A Settlement Letter is Written

Dow is in Idaho with Lisa and Ellie visiting family. They will celebrate Lisa's 41st birthday on June 10. Dow's lawyer sent his latest response to Scott Gordon. We talked today and agreed to the terms. I feel anti-climatic, we have been at this negotiating 1 1/2 years. We have been separated 2 1/3 years.

Dow has not grown emotionally or spiritually. I am very saddened by this but it is not unexpected. He walked away from his first marriage "No, never thought about it." That should have been a huge red flag for me. Again my woundedness blocked my bringing to mind my own unconscious material that controlled my relating to Dow during our relationship. Sad to say "Dow's unconscious and my unconscious issues were toxic for Jason, Dow and myself." Nothing was healthy for our interactions. When Jason was injured all he could reply to Lisa's question, "Dad how are you feeling?" was "I feel like you do." Dow is not able to access feelings nor express them nor identify them and honor them in another person. Therefore no emotional intimacy with Dow can be achieved.

I always accepted the responsibility that somehow I needed to do something so Dow could access and express feelings. Wasted 30 years being neurotic, fearful and depressed because I could not find "the key" to Dow's inner self. Only Dow can do that. I knew that intellectually but I lived a different life emotionally.

Well, today I coasted through the visits; my mind half on my hospice patients, half on the "What does it mean to be a single woman age 65?" The stock market lost 330 points, gas is well over $4 a gallon, my job my be cut at any time. I have no personal friends-no can't say that. I have two nuns who are my friends and my spiritual director also a nun. Yet I find my life to be interesting and challenging. What should I do? I know I want to work and live for peace. How best to do that? I need to be about looking for ways to live in community and live for peace.

Being a hospice chaplain, I know I can receive a terminal diagnosis the next time I visit my MD. No guarantees. I feel as if every breath I take is precious. Like I felt after I saw Jason at Walter Reed, every breath of his life is precious. All is gift. Life is sacred. May my life honor it! At the same time I feel a deep peace. I know that when the divorce is signed, I will feel even more at peace. The door will be shut on Dow's abuse of me. He needs to grow I could not help him, I hindered my own growth. May we both grow into the people we have the potential to be. May Jason be healed of body and mind and soul so that he might grow to his fullest potential as human. May from his great pain come great compassion. It is the way.

At a nursing where we had a patient a couple of years ago, she is still alive, her loving spouse caught me "Hi, I couldn't let you by. We are moving to FL. " He had purchased a home, never sold it and as an avid golfer wants to be where the sun is all year. His daughter had a bout of cancer-now in remission, his son an opera singer, both in their 20's. So he is moving his wife to a nursing home in the town, "10 minutes" away. He sees her everyday. He is relaxed and comfortable. His wife sits in her wheel chair and smiles and cannot say a word. I got his address and promised to stay in touch by mail "the old fashioned way." We prayed for blessings on their move.

May your dreams be of peace, good memories and a bright future.