In the middle of a horrendous work week, I made a mad dash this afternoon to my lawyer's office to sign:
1. Quit claim deed to the condo so Dow can lock in a 4% equity loan rate.
2. Settlement that will be presented to Dow by his lawyer for his initials
while I am on vacation so then we three (2 lawyers and me) will go before a judge most likely while Dow is in Australia doing...
I started out in black ink but the lawyer requested I use blue, "I can't tell copies from the original unless you use blue." I had to think about that for a second, we are required to do everything in black for medical records. He said I did not have to keep anything except the settlement signed by the judge. He keeps all letters on computer file and the last financial documents.
What upset me greatly was that he took all the money owed him out of the settlement. I thought "Scott you#$@% that is why you didn't push for Dow to provide for me, you knew you were getting your money, why worry about your client!" Pitiful!!! He who has the money gets more, while the woman looses. I can see why every woman I have talked to feels the same way, that the divorce was unfair to her.
But the upside of the day was a blessing of unimaginable happening:
After I was fighting with the lawyer about the cost of this divorce for me, I came to a line that Gordon said, "You have to sign this, not initial. It was a line for my signature, underneath reading: Catherine M. Scott, wife________________. I looked at it, signed it and asked with a straight voice and face, "Scott, am I to write the title "wife? I have to use my credentials when I sign anything for work!"Honestly, I stopped a lawyer a man who makes his living with words; his mouth sorta fell opened, he turned beet red. I laughed out loud, open and spontaneously for the first time in years.
The depression and fear and anxiety I carried throughout my marriage is lifted! I made a funny and my quick wit and response has returned. I remember how we used to laugh and make fun as a child and teen. I lost it in my silencing by Dow. He used to tell me all the time, "You take everything so seriously." Well, living in a toxic marriage is serious, I am so sad to say.
I think as painful as it is to say the marriage is over, actually signing the document was freeing, as in my dream "I walked out of the dark web room and into the sunlight!" I think this is the psychological and spiritual impact of signing the divorce settlement.
No matter the financial effects on my lifestyle; I can't take the money as I stand before the throne of God, I can take the change in me that stood up to emotional and spiritual abuse. I can take everything that I learned from Jason's wounding, my time at Walter Reed, my challenging Dow in marriage counseling, leaving Dow, living on my own for this last year. Speaking out for peace. Willing to live with the cost of Jason's severing ties with me. I know that is what should have happened between Dow and myself years ago. Oh how we should have battled. It is tragic my speaking out affected Jason also. I had to brake the silence, it had to happen or else I would still be trapped in loss of self-esteem and my identity. I am called to live and work for peace.
I think it is very psychologically telling that Dow "is out of the country" while the divorce is being finalized. It is a synchronicity (that is we don't control the event, but it supports our psychical position.) Dow broke his arm right after bringing one set of boxes to my apartment after promising me, "I will be glad to help you move." Another synchronicity. Dow is so unconscious. I wish I was healed of my spiritual and emotional blindness so much earlier in our relationship.
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