Dow's goal in life is to amass all the money he can for "retirement."
Today's decline in the market will strike at the heart of his "life's purpose."
How sad I spent my marriage supporting a trust in the idol of money as security and life's purpose. I did it unconsciously, but did it never the less with emotional and spiritual disaster for myself and Jason.
I do not know, like any of us, what the future will hold. I know Americans must change our lifestyles and it is now. Just in time for an election and a 1-3 trillion dollar war that has driven our economy into depression. I figure I can always live with Connie and we can pool our resources, whatever they turn out to be. Or another family member to help out with bills or a senior here in Chicago or where ever Godde leads me.
I live today consciously trying to live in peace with myself and all my brothers and sisters, all 6 billion of you, and all life on planet earth our only home. My quote for the day from Edith Stein: Self Portrait in Letters (pg 315):
I wonder: will we live to see the events of our days become "history"? I have a great desire to see all this sometime in the light of eternity. For one realizes ever more clearly how blind we are toward everything. One marvels at how mistakenly one viewed a lot of things before, and yet the very next moment one commits the blunder again of forming an opinion without having the necessary basis for it.
I am heading off to Costa Rica with a group of travel agents. What a vacation report I hope to be able to write when I return July 7. Have a great 4th of July and great vacations wherever, whatever you plan to do this summer for re-creation. They are calling the travel alternative "staycation" So for those who are enjoying your homes and environment, blessings! Do take good care of yourselves and renew/make friendships, reconnect with family.
Friday, June 27, 2008
Thursday, June 26, 2008
And my signature, really initials, is added to the document, "Blue Ink, Please" & I Get My Sense of Humor Back
In the middle of a horrendous work week, I made a mad dash this afternoon to my lawyer's office to sign:
1. Quit claim deed to the condo so Dow can lock in a 4% equity loan rate.
2. Settlement that will be presented to Dow by his lawyer for his initials
while I am on vacation so then we three (2 lawyers and me) will go before a judge most likely while Dow is in Australia doing...
I started out in black ink but the lawyer requested I use blue, "I can't tell copies from the original unless you use blue." I had to think about that for a second, we are required to do everything in black for medical records. He said I did not have to keep anything except the settlement signed by the judge. He keeps all letters on computer file and the last financial documents.
What upset me greatly was that he took all the money owed him out of the settlement. I thought "Scott you#$@% that is why you didn't push for Dow to provide for me, you knew you were getting your money, why worry about your client!" Pitiful!!! He who has the money gets more, while the woman looses. I can see why every woman I have talked to feels the same way, that the divorce was unfair to her.
But the upside of the day was a blessing of unimaginable happening:
After I was fighting with the lawyer about the cost of this divorce for me, I came to a line that Gordon said, "You have to sign this, not initial. It was a line for my signature, underneath reading: Catherine M. Scott, wife________________. I looked at it, signed it and asked with a straight voice and face, "Scott, am I to write the title "wife? I have to use my credentials when I sign anything for work!"Honestly, I stopped a lawyer a man who makes his living with words; his mouth sorta fell opened, he turned beet red. I laughed out loud, open and spontaneously for the first time in years.
The depression and fear and anxiety I carried throughout my marriage is lifted! I made a funny and my quick wit and response has returned. I remember how we used to laugh and make fun as a child and teen. I lost it in my silencing by Dow. He used to tell me all the time, "You take everything so seriously." Well, living in a toxic marriage is serious, I am so sad to say.
I think as painful as it is to say the marriage is over, actually signing the document was freeing, as in my dream "I walked out of the dark web room and into the sunlight!" I think this is the psychological and spiritual impact of signing the divorce settlement.
No matter the financial effects on my lifestyle; I can't take the money as I stand before the throne of God, I can take the change in me that stood up to emotional and spiritual abuse. I can take everything that I learned from Jason's wounding, my time at Walter Reed, my challenging Dow in marriage counseling, leaving Dow, living on my own for this last year. Speaking out for peace. Willing to live with the cost of Jason's severing ties with me. I know that is what should have happened between Dow and myself years ago. Oh how we should have battled. It is tragic my speaking out affected Jason also. I had to brake the silence, it had to happen or else I would still be trapped in loss of self-esteem and my identity. I am called to live and work for peace.
I think it is very psychologically telling that Dow "is out of the country" while the divorce is being finalized. It is a synchronicity (that is we don't control the event, but it supports our psychical position.) Dow broke his arm right after bringing one set of boxes to my apartment after promising me, "I will be glad to help you move." Another synchronicity. Dow is so unconscious. I wish I was healed of my spiritual and emotional blindness so much earlier in our relationship.
1. Quit claim deed to the condo so Dow can lock in a 4% equity loan rate.
2. Settlement that will be presented to Dow by his lawyer for his initials
while I am on vacation so then we three (2 lawyers and me) will go before a judge most likely while Dow is in Australia doing...
I started out in black ink but the lawyer requested I use blue, "I can't tell copies from the original unless you use blue." I had to think about that for a second, we are required to do everything in black for medical records. He said I did not have to keep anything except the settlement signed by the judge. He keeps all letters on computer file and the last financial documents.
What upset me greatly was that he took all the money owed him out of the settlement. I thought "Scott you#$@% that is why you didn't push for Dow to provide for me, you knew you were getting your money, why worry about your client!" Pitiful!!! He who has the money gets more, while the woman looses. I can see why every woman I have talked to feels the same way, that the divorce was unfair to her.
But the upside of the day was a blessing of unimaginable happening:
After I was fighting with the lawyer about the cost of this divorce for me, I came to a line that Gordon said, "You have to sign this, not initial. It was a line for my signature, underneath reading: Catherine M. Scott, wife________________. I looked at it, signed it and asked with a straight voice and face, "Scott, am I to write the title "wife? I have to use my credentials when I sign anything for work!"Honestly, I stopped a lawyer a man who makes his living with words; his mouth sorta fell opened, he turned beet red. I laughed out loud, open and spontaneously for the first time in years.
The depression and fear and anxiety I carried throughout my marriage is lifted! I made a funny and my quick wit and response has returned. I remember how we used to laugh and make fun as a child and teen. I lost it in my silencing by Dow. He used to tell me all the time, "You take everything so seriously." Well, living in a toxic marriage is serious, I am so sad to say.
I think as painful as it is to say the marriage is over, actually signing the document was freeing, as in my dream "I walked out of the dark web room and into the sunlight!" I think this is the psychological and spiritual impact of signing the divorce settlement.
No matter the financial effects on my lifestyle; I can't take the money as I stand before the throne of God, I can take the change in me that stood up to emotional and spiritual abuse. I can take everything that I learned from Jason's wounding, my time at Walter Reed, my challenging Dow in marriage counseling, leaving Dow, living on my own for this last year. Speaking out for peace. Willing to live with the cost of Jason's severing ties with me. I know that is what should have happened between Dow and myself years ago. Oh how we should have battled. It is tragic my speaking out affected Jason also. I had to brake the silence, it had to happen or else I would still be trapped in loss of self-esteem and my identity. I am called to live and work for peace.
I think it is very psychologically telling that Dow "is out of the country" while the divorce is being finalized. It is a synchronicity (that is we don't control the event, but it supports our psychical position.) Dow broke his arm right after bringing one set of boxes to my apartment after promising me, "I will be glad to help you move." Another synchronicity. Dow is so unconscious. I wish I was healed of my spiritual and emotional blindness so much earlier in our relationship.
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Negotiations Continue: Timing is Everything
I faxed the updates to my lawyer this morning.
He called and said that he had received the financial info and Dow's lawyer and he were talking.
I told him I could sign a quit claim deed late Thursday if Dow's lawyer could prepare it.
Dow was pushing for a quit claim as he wants to get his equity loan at the rate it was offered.
Dow is here next week so he could get the loan if she gets the quit claim to me ASAP.
What we don't get done this week will have to wait for when Dow gets back, no way around it.
Scott asked "Where you going?" as he wanted to fax me papers. I said, "Sorry I am going to the rainforest of Costa Rica." It was to be the "new beginning after the divorce" now it is not over. Scott said, "It really is over, you are in the paperwork phase."
Emotionally:
I could not sleep last night. I kept feeling "You are on your own for the first time in your life!" Freeing yet scary to be in this place. I keep remembering all the widows/widowers I have ministered with. All coping with different family support, finances, health issues, etc. I keep remembering the dream at WR where I walked out of the "dark web room into the sunlight" with a small child at my side. I am truly getting out of the dark room and I know Godde will give me lots of sunlight!
On the other hand:
For the first time in my 6 years as hospice chaplain I received a reprimand from a supervisor. I left a 4 hour meeting to take co-workers who are leaving the hospice to lunch. Both women were strong professional supporters and personal support for me during this horrendous transitional year. I am now very worried because this office terminated a chaplain, a friend of mine. I am thinking, "I have to know the rules of this management/combat zone." I told only one person a RN that I was going to lunch. This RN was involved in the dismissal of the previous chaplain. I am thinking, "I may retire before 1/3/09." So I plan to speak to my supervisor first asking for a meeting with the RN. We will see how it goes!
Also for the first time since I started with hospice I was denied time off, "a psych-social person has already requested those days." Really upsets me as they have a full-time chaplain who would do a call for me, I only work 3 days. If it is her vacation days it would be less a "bug in my eye" but if it is a social worker-I would never do a social worker call so... Again, are they trying to upset me so I will quit? Doing a good job if they are!
From the frying pan to the fire! or Godde does have other plans for me? At this stage of my life I am willing to see how this unfolds but I will not be silent in the face of injustice.
A positive: with the change of my work schedule I am able to attend the Peace Vigil downtown twice a month. I have really missed my peace circle! And am looking forward to being at Federal Plaza handing out peacemaking materials once again! Yes, and the weather is great!
He called and said that he had received the financial info and Dow's lawyer and he were talking.
I told him I could sign a quit claim deed late Thursday if Dow's lawyer could prepare it.
Dow was pushing for a quit claim as he wants to get his equity loan at the rate it was offered.
Dow is here next week so he could get the loan if she gets the quit claim to me ASAP.
What we don't get done this week will have to wait for when Dow gets back, no way around it.
Scott asked "Where you going?" as he wanted to fax me papers. I said, "Sorry I am going to the rainforest of Costa Rica." It was to be the "new beginning after the divorce" now it is not over. Scott said, "It really is over, you are in the paperwork phase."
Emotionally:
I could not sleep last night. I kept feeling "You are on your own for the first time in your life!" Freeing yet scary to be in this place. I keep remembering all the widows/widowers I have ministered with. All coping with different family support, finances, health issues, etc. I keep remembering the dream at WR where I walked out of the "dark web room into the sunlight" with a small child at my side. I am truly getting out of the dark room and I know Godde will give me lots of sunlight!
On the other hand:
For the first time in my 6 years as hospice chaplain I received a reprimand from a supervisor. I left a 4 hour meeting to take co-workers who are leaving the hospice to lunch. Both women were strong professional supporters and personal support for me during this horrendous transitional year. I am now very worried because this office terminated a chaplain, a friend of mine. I am thinking, "I have to know the rules of this management/combat zone." I told only one person a RN that I was going to lunch. This RN was involved in the dismissal of the previous chaplain. I am thinking, "I may retire before 1/3/09." So I plan to speak to my supervisor first asking for a meeting with the RN. We will see how it goes!
Also for the first time since I started with hospice I was denied time off, "a psych-social person has already requested those days." Really upsets me as they have a full-time chaplain who would do a call for me, I only work 3 days. If it is her vacation days it would be less a "bug in my eye" but if it is a social worker-I would never do a social worker call so... Again, are they trying to upset me so I will quit? Doing a good job if they are!
From the frying pan to the fire! or Godde does have other plans for me? At this stage of my life I am willing to see how this unfolds but I will not be silent in the face of injustice.
A positive: with the change of my work schedule I am able to attend the Peace Vigil downtown twice a month. I have really missed my peace circle! And am looking forward to being at Federal Plaza handing out peacemaking materials once again! Yes, and the weather is great!
Monday, June 23, 2008
Lawyers Writing Final Settlement
Came home this evening, message on machine "Fax me the latest amounts from your accounts. The data I have is old" said my lawyer. I leave on Friday, my lawyer leaves the 1st, Dow leave on the 9th. I had sent the quit claims to him to have Jason and Dow sign. Will the settlement be signed before Dow leaves for Australia?
The paper chase is on. I had written to Margaret earlier today that I had wanted my vacation to be a gentle healing of the divorce/process but I didn't think that it would happen. Now it sounds like it may except for the actual physical signatures and visit to the judge.
I do not feel that my lawyer has represented me well. I should not have had any debt from this year and one/half. I am $5000 in debt. Dow lived well at my expense. Dow lived on 100,000 plus. He paid me $6000 in support giving me the high amount of $35, 000. Bah, humbug. He who has the money gets more. Ladies believe me when I say the process is not fair. My lawyer would "compromise" so Dow would sign early as pushed by the judge. Well, I am saying as clearly and as loudly as I can "It doesn't work!" It took a year and 1/2!!!! My lawyer started with 70% of property and $3000 in maintainence. Ha! He let the judge give away my future support while Dow has received two raises since we began the divorce process. I don't get any of his income increases considered in my support. Bah, the law works for those who have money and are willing to lie about their income and expenses.
I truly will be glad when it is over and I can give my life over to God. I am scared financially but I know I will not take money with me. It is what I do with my life that is important. We all die.
The paper chase is on. I had written to Margaret earlier today that I had wanted my vacation to be a gentle healing of the divorce/process but I didn't think that it would happen. Now it sounds like it may except for the actual physical signatures and visit to the judge.
I do not feel that my lawyer has represented me well. I should not have had any debt from this year and one/half. I am $5000 in debt. Dow lived well at my expense. Dow lived on 100,000 plus. He paid me $6000 in support giving me the high amount of $35, 000. Bah, humbug. He who has the money gets more. Ladies believe me when I say the process is not fair. My lawyer would "compromise" so Dow would sign early as pushed by the judge. Well, I am saying as clearly and as loudly as I can "It doesn't work!" It took a year and 1/2!!!! My lawyer started with 70% of property and $3000 in maintainence. Ha! He let the judge give away my future support while Dow has received two raises since we began the divorce process. I don't get any of his income increases considered in my support. Bah, the law works for those who have money and are willing to lie about their income and expenses.
I truly will be glad when it is over and I can give my life over to God. I am scared financially but I know I will not take money with me. It is what I do with my life that is important. We all die.
The Dream of Sophia
I am part of a women's movement within the Roman Catholic Church to bring forth a new relationship of power-to ordain women as priests, bishops, cardinals or Pope. You might have heard/read about Rome's issuing a degree stating that anyone who helps women be ordained is excommunicated.
I have been part of this movement since I joined the board of Women's Ordination Conference http://www.womensordination.org/ in 1999. (Before the board I was a member for many years, except I lived in SW VA and was the only woman on the roles.) I left the month Jason was injured in the Iraq war, October 2005. During that time 7 women took the audacious step to be ordained on the Danube. Mary Rammerman was ordained in Rochester; a "seminary" was set up in Austria, all done by email and visits. Bishop Patricia Friesan comes to the United States frequently during the year to ordain women here. This year an American RCC woman bishop has been ordained. (http://www.post-gazette.com/pg/06212/709922-85.stm for Pat Friesan)
These efforts to reform the RCC around its misogynist, discriminatory, power over, anti-Christian way of being have met with ever more resistance.
I continue to support the efforts of women who are attempting to "take down the dragon who devours women" the male hierarchy/monarchy of the Roman Catholic Church. Yesterday a gathering occurred at a retreat center in Chicago. It was a group of women already ordained by Roman Catholic Women Priests (RCWP) and women who are thinking about joining them.
We started with a liturgy concelebrated by 4 of the womenpriests and attended by the Chicago deacon who will be ordained here November 1, 2008. Sophia was strongly present. I feel Her by a "movement" spiritually in the room. It was a confirmed by Maura a powerful Irish spiritual director also saying the same thing! Sophia, Spirit of renewal, life, Ruah that moved over the waters in Genesis at the beginning of time, was present. I knew again that women's energy and wisdom is what is required in this time and place for the RCC to find itself again on the path to follow Jesus. After we ate dinner together and spent the rest of the time sharing the stories of women and our "crazy call" to the priesthood. The RCC official position is that women "can never hear the call to priesthood." We are deranged/mentally/spiritually ill if we do. Isn't that nice to have men tell us we feel/think/limit our lives? Haven't we heard the same from cultures across the world? Which happen to be hierarchal patriarchal cultures across the world?
Maureen another friend and I both commented on the sad continuance of exclusive language in the day's liturgy. Use of "lord and he" for God IS not the way to inclusiveness. The RCC requires male only language for God in all public prayer and ritual. One can not use "male and female, men and women" one must use only "men" for the collective. Sorry this leaves me out!
I have been part of this movement since I joined the board of Women's Ordination Conference http://www.womensordination.org/ in 1999. (Before the board I was a member for many years, except I lived in SW VA and was the only woman on the roles.) I left the month Jason was injured in the Iraq war, October 2005. During that time 7 women took the audacious step to be ordained on the Danube. Mary Rammerman was ordained in Rochester; a "seminary" was set up in Austria, all done by email and visits. Bishop Patricia Friesan comes to the United States frequently during the year to ordain women here. This year an American RCC woman bishop has been ordained. (http://www.post-gazette.com/pg/06212/709922-85.stm for Pat Friesan)
These efforts to reform the RCC around its misogynist, discriminatory, power over, anti-Christian way of being have met with ever more resistance.
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I continue to support the efforts of women who are attempting to "take down the dragon who devours women" the male hierarchy/monarchy of the Roman Catholic Church. Yesterday a gathering occurred at a retreat center in Chicago. It was a group of women already ordained by Roman Catholic Women Priests (RCWP) and women who are thinking about joining them.
We started with a liturgy concelebrated by 4 of the womenpriests and attended by the Chicago deacon who will be ordained here November 1, 2008. Sophia was strongly present. I feel Her by a "movement" spiritually in the room. It was a confirmed by Maura a powerful Irish spiritual director also saying the same thing! Sophia, Spirit of renewal, life, Ruah that moved over the waters in Genesis at the beginning of time, was present. I knew again that women's energy and wisdom is what is required in this time and place for the RCC to find itself again on the path to follow Jesus. After we ate dinner together and spent the rest of the time sharing the stories of women and our "crazy call" to the priesthood. The RCC official position is that women "can never hear the call to priesthood." We are deranged/mentally/spiritually ill if we do. Isn't that nice to have men tell us we feel/think/limit our lives? Haven't we heard the same from cultures across the world? Which happen to be hierarchal patriarchal cultures across the world?
Maureen another friend and I both commented on the sad continuance of exclusive language in the day's liturgy. Use of "lord and he" for God IS not the way to inclusiveness. The RCC requires male only language for God in all public prayer and ritual. One can not use "male and female, men and women" one must use only "men" for the collective. Sorry this leaves me out!
Saturday, June 21, 2008
The Kindom of God #1
I thought I would begin to add the spiritual experience of being in the Kindom of God since I left my abusive marriage (You can define Kindom of God as healthy emotional/spiritual space. Emotional and Spiritual life are the same continuum of human experience.) On Friday I realized that at 7 PM Marianne Williamson, see http://www.marianne.com/ was to speak in a suburb way on the west side of Chicago about 30 miles from home. I prayed, "Dear God, if I am to be able to see Marianne, make it happen as I am in Lake county today." I had done a talk-to before, called in from my regular schedule to make a visit.
Now the new office where I report in for hospice ministry is in Palatine 26 miles from home. There was no way I could visit patients on my side of town and be in Schaumburg in time for the talk. So I thought I will not be able to make it to her speech. I wanted to go because she was to talk on the Promise of Possibility-Establishing a Department of Peace at the Cabinet Level. You can find out more about the Department at http://www.thepeacealliance.org/ It has about 70 sponsors in the house, none in the Senate.
Marianne was in a conflict with her very large faith community in Detroit because she spoke out against the Iraq War. She was asked to leave the pulpit, a very sad day for my sister who had attended the church for a number of years, because of her teaching especially a Course in Miracles. I think her faith would be considered "New Age Christianity" or Post Christianity. But on the issue of peacemaking I am with her 100%. And Marianne has paid the cost as Liz McAllister told me, "Don't count the cost." My psychologist for a number of years said, "Marianne is well thought of," when I asked him after hearing her speak for the first time.
I was up in Zion visiting my patient, a Vietnam era veteran when I got the call! "We need you to make a presentation to a new patient in Arlington Heights." AH is right next to Palatine/Schaumburg. I was ecstatic, I could attend! And the miles and time to get there would be paid by my employer! The hotel was actually 6 miles from my office. I finished the consent signing with time to spend in the office catching up on paperwork. 6 PM and I headed out! YWYH is good. I must listen to my intuition and ask for help from Divine Providence and doors will open where there are no doors. I do not know the way, as Thich Nhat Hanh says, "We make the path as we travel."(http://www.plumvillage.org/) It is enough.
I wanted to hear about this effort to create a Department of Peace, I have not been involved in it in any way. About 50 people attended. The notice had said, "Open to the public." So I thought a free will offering would be collected. Instead I was told, "$40" which is way over my budget! I thought "I can't have come all this way to not be able to go in." I gave what I could and the woman behind me gave a generous donation. The woman at the table said, "Don't worry she made up for you!" I felt good as I headed for the room to hear Marianne speak.
Marianne does not talk in soft terms. She talked of our need to evolve consciousness beyond the present. Within 50 years if we do not solve global warming we will have 200 million environmental refugees. If we do not end war we will have a nuclear holocaust with destruction of the planet. We must choose now to change our behavior from a never ending grab for more, an unsustainable lifestyle to sharing the earth's resources in pursuit of justice. Marianne focuses on taking care of the children.
I do disagree with her support for a military. We have spent $1 trillion on a war that has stripped our ability to address health, housing, education, infrastructure needs, rebuilding of New Orleans, etc, etc. However Marianne argues there are evil folk who are out to destroy. For me the traditional understanding of humanity is one of separateness "the other" Jung said we have to "own our issues/the shadow within" then we do not have to worry about the other. We live in the Kindom, in peace. Even if we die-like Jesus who is my Way. That is how consciousness is raised and human evolution continues. We are 98% primate DNA, we have a long way to go to be "fully human" with our own DNA.
So we have little deaths to the ignorance we live in now and rise to a new awareness of relationships. Below is my poem from when Jason was in Iraq. A reporter was embedded with Jason's platoon. I had marched against the war in Vietnam. I was in denial, my son would never participate in war. The interview told of how Jason gave the order and men died.
Now the new office where I report in for hospice ministry is in Palatine 26 miles from home. There was no way I could visit patients on my side of town and be in Schaumburg in time for the talk. So I thought I will not be able to make it to her speech. I wanted to go because she was to talk on the Promise of Possibility-Establishing a Department of Peace at the Cabinet Level. You can find out more about the Department at http://www.thepeacealliance.org/ It has about 70 sponsors in the house, none in the Senate.
Marianne was in a conflict with her very large faith community in Detroit because she spoke out against the Iraq War. She was asked to leave the pulpit, a very sad day for my sister who had attended the church for a number of years, because of her teaching especially a Course in Miracles. I think her faith would be considered "New Age Christianity" or Post Christianity. But on the issue of peacemaking I am with her 100%. And Marianne has paid the cost as Liz McAllister told me, "Don't count the cost." My psychologist for a number of years said, "Marianne is well thought of," when I asked him after hearing her speak for the first time.
I was up in Zion visiting my patient, a Vietnam era veteran when I got the call! "We need you to make a presentation to a new patient in Arlington Heights." AH is right next to Palatine/Schaumburg. I was ecstatic, I could attend! And the miles and time to get there would be paid by my employer! The hotel was actually 6 miles from my office. I finished the consent signing with time to spend in the office catching up on paperwork. 6 PM and I headed out! YWYH is good. I must listen to my intuition and ask for help from Divine Providence and doors will open where there are no doors. I do not know the way, as Thich Nhat Hanh says, "We make the path as we travel."(http://www.plumvillage.org/) It is enough.
I wanted to hear about this effort to create a Department of Peace, I have not been involved in it in any way. About 50 people attended. The notice had said, "Open to the public." So I thought a free will offering would be collected. Instead I was told, "$40" which is way over my budget! I thought "I can't have come all this way to not be able to go in." I gave what I could and the woman behind me gave a generous donation. The woman at the table said, "Don't worry she made up for you!" I felt good as I headed for the room to hear Marianne speak.
Marianne does not talk in soft terms. She talked of our need to evolve consciousness beyond the present. Within 50 years if we do not solve global warming we will have 200 million environmental refugees. If we do not end war we will have a nuclear holocaust with destruction of the planet. We must choose now to change our behavior from a never ending grab for more, an unsustainable lifestyle to sharing the earth's resources in pursuit of justice. Marianne focuses on taking care of the children.
I do disagree with her support for a military. We have spent $1 trillion on a war that has stripped our ability to address health, housing, education, infrastructure needs, rebuilding of New Orleans, etc, etc. However Marianne argues there are evil folk who are out to destroy. For me the traditional understanding of humanity is one of separateness "the other" Jung said we have to "own our issues/the shadow within" then we do not have to worry about the other. We live in the Kindom, in peace. Even if we die-like Jesus who is my Way. That is how consciousness is raised and human evolution continues. We are 98% primate DNA, we have a long way to go to be "fully human" with our own DNA.
So we have little deaths to the ignorance we live in now and rise to a new awareness of relationships. Below is my poem from when Jason was in Iraq. A reporter was embedded with Jason's platoon. I had marched against the war in Vietnam. I was in denial, my son would never participate in war. The interview told of how Jason gave the order and men died.
A poem of sorrow:
A mother waits
A messenger comes to her door
The sun stops in its course across the sky
And plunges her world into night.
Sorrow so deep
Her wail so strong
It broke my heart
Here in
Joined together forever are we
One son gave an order
One son died
We are one in our tears.
“I am sorry our cultures say, “War is the answer.”
“I am sorry my son says, “Fire”
I hold your son in my arms
And pray for your healing
And may the world be reconciled
To understand we are one.
Katy (Scott) Zatsick
June 2005
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
Strawberry Moon: Full Moon Today
The full moon is today. Traditionally it is called Strawberry Moon. A group of earth-centered women meet at Lakeside to honor the moon's connection to the earth and ours to all the universe each full moon. Six of us met at 7:00 PM sitting in our lawn chairs, facing East. The moon rises over the lake, it is beautiful We sit at Montrose Harbor. Today, a low cloud bank kept us from seeing the rising moon. We sat in silence listening to the sounds of the city and park.
Many birds including sparrows, gulls and swallows were in our vision and hearing. The deep blue of Lake Michigan was covered with sailboats for an "after work sail." Middle Eastern music came to us from our backs across the drive, maybe on a boat at dock.
I experienced watching a baby sparrow way to big to be fed being fed by its mother. It was quite cold this evening going down to the 50's so I had layered up and brought a blanket to cover myself. Sr. Bernie sitting next to me was chilly so I spread my blanket over her too.
At the end of the silence we read Psalm 148:
Praise the Blessed One!
Give praise from the heavens,
and from all ends of the earth!
Give praise all you angels,
Angels of the earth and of heaven!
Give praise, sun and moon,
Give praise, all you shining stars!
Give praise, all universes,
The whole cosmos of creation!
Praise the Blessed One!
For through Love all was created
and firmly fixed for ever and ever;
Yes, the pattern of creation
was established.
(Nan C. Merrill, Psalms for Praying)
After our leader broken open strawberries and
we ate the delicious treat until they were all gone!
It was so good to sit with prayerful feminist earth centered women in the Great City of Chicago by a beautiful God-given lake. I hope that you too can begin summer with friends and strawberries "all around." Blessings, Katy
PS You could do the same ritual in your own home town. Gather some friends, sit in a circle of silence, listen and look for creation in front of you on July's "Thunder" Moon.
Many birds including sparrows, gulls and swallows were in our vision and hearing. The deep blue of Lake Michigan was covered with sailboats for an "after work sail." Middle Eastern music came to us from our backs across the drive, maybe on a boat at dock.
I experienced watching a baby sparrow way to big to be fed being fed by its mother. It was quite cold this evening going down to the 50's so I had layered up and brought a blanket to cover myself. Sr. Bernie sitting next to me was chilly so I spread my blanket over her too.
At the end of the silence we read Psalm 148:
Praise the Blessed One!
Give praise from the heavens,
and from all ends of the earth!
Give praise all you angels,
Angels of the earth and of heaven!
Give praise, sun and moon,
Give praise, all you shining stars!
Give praise, all universes,
The whole cosmos of creation!
Praise the Blessed One!
For through Love all was created
and firmly fixed for ever and ever;
Yes, the pattern of creation
was established.
(Nan C. Merrill, Psalms for Praying)
After our leader broken open strawberries and
we ate the delicious treat until they were all gone!
It was so good to sit with prayerful feminist earth centered women in the Great City of Chicago by a beautiful God-given lake. I hope that you too can begin summer with friends and strawberries "all around." Blessings, Katy
PS You could do the same ritual in your own home town. Gather some friends, sit in a circle of silence, listen and look for creation in front of you on July's "Thunder" Moon.
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
Been to Milwaukee!
Headed to Milwaukee on Sunday. I wanted to "check out the town" as a possible move. Marquette University has a Center for Peace, about a year old. I was hoping to meet with staff but both were out of town. However a professor connected to the Center let me in to see the space. I also talked for 10 minutes in his ethics class, 13 students. I focused on my own decision to speak out against war and for creating a culture of peace.
He showed a made for TV movie called "Soldiers of Conscience" that followed 4 Iraq vets as they changed from soldiers to Conscientious Objectors to war. Very interesting as the movie gave each soldier plenty of time to express their own experiences and decision-making process. Great movie, don't miss it when it airs on PBS this fall. Three out of four soldiers were court-martialed, one Evangelical Christian was discharged-no repercussions.
After I spent a good deal of the afternoon with a social worker from Dept of Aging for the county trying to gather information about county services for those 65 plus. However, the department focuses on services for fragile seniors and I am not there yet! She told me that Wisconsin has a plan for drugs for seniors that is not income tested. I thought "cool will save me $30" in insurance a month. Milwaukee is a very nice city-the traffic is minimal around the university. I was surprised it is nothing like downtown Chicago.
I stayed at Marjorie's, a friend from WOC. She has been divorced for 20 years and has suffered the loss of her young son from severe retardation and its physical complications. She has a recessive gene mutation, did not pass on to her son who has 4 children. It was something that happened to her, no one else in the family has it. What genetic testing can tell us. It comes with the female gene so her son does not have it. She has a beautiful 100 year-old home but financially cannot retain it so she is planning to sell as soon as the market improves. I thought I might propose that I rent a room from her. The bedroom I stayed in is huge! Probably 15/15 feet with a bath next door. I thought my bed, computer, chair to read in and two dressers would have no problems fitting and with room to spare. I thought I could pay half of what I am now and she could use the money to fix up the house to sell! That would get me acclimated to the city and be ready to move to an apartment when I needed to!
The rents are more reasonable. Don't know about food, gas was 30 cents cheaper than Chicago. Rents were cheaper than Chicago. The streets were empty of cars and very few folks were on the sidewalks. It was definitely not like downtown Chicago! It looks like there are not many office buildings downtown. The major new city center is the huge conference complex. I have been there every year for the Call to Action weekend. I have been trying to see movies on the weekend for relaxation. The show for seniors was $6.50. She let me choose so I decided "Why not" and we went off to see Indiana Jones and the Chrystal Skull. A really good "swashbuckling-no blood" movie. One chase after madcap chase. And as usual the ending was "out there" leave it to Spielberg and Lucas. The special effects were great. I hope Ford does another one. Me being a senior and all. He even gets the girl at the end! What a hoot!
What really surprised me was how emotionally relaxed I was visiting Milwaukee on my own. I was out of Chicago and away from Dow's and Jason's presence and the trauma of our relationships. I have never felt that way in all of my adult years! What the feelings affirmed for me was that it is right that I move from Chicago for "my heart's sake." I had told Marjorie this when she asked me, "Why do you want to leave, Chicago has so many things to offer?" I said, "It is the pain of all that has gone on in my emotional life while I have lived here." Sometimes it does take a physical move to "begin again with a new life." The wounding of Jason, the end of our toxic marriage will forever be "Chicago memories" for me. They are connected with this place. I felt free knowing I would not see Jason or Dow in this place.
I do not know if a volunteer peace center position can be created for me. Will my life and work be an asset for the center in its 2nd year? I will not move to Milwaukee unless I can be involved in work of the center. I thought I need to negotiate two things with the center: 1. Parking permit and 2. Access to the fitness center on campus. I couldn't find anywhere to work out. I figure I would need to drive to a suburb and that I really didn't like! Although a couple of the apartment complexes advertised a fitness center.
What bummed me out was for the first time in 1 1/2 years of speaking, I forgot my notes! I felt as if speaking in this class was a mini job interview and I blew it. I also didn't clearly connect Jason going to the army and my own coming to consciousness on how I felt/believed about the war. The ethical decision to speak out against war and for peace with the "cost" that Jason does not speak to me.
He showed a made for TV movie called "Soldiers of Conscience" that followed 4 Iraq vets as they changed from soldiers to Conscientious Objectors to war. Very interesting as the movie gave each soldier plenty of time to express their own experiences and decision-making process. Great movie, don't miss it when it airs on PBS this fall. Three out of four soldiers were court-martialed, one Evangelical Christian was discharged-no repercussions.
After I spent a good deal of the afternoon with a social worker from Dept of Aging for the county trying to gather information about county services for those 65 plus. However, the department focuses on services for fragile seniors and I am not there yet! She told me that Wisconsin has a plan for drugs for seniors that is not income tested. I thought "cool will save me $30" in insurance a month. Milwaukee is a very nice city-the traffic is minimal around the university. I was surprised it is nothing like downtown Chicago.
I stayed at Marjorie's, a friend from WOC. She has been divorced for 20 years and has suffered the loss of her young son from severe retardation and its physical complications. She has a recessive gene mutation, did not pass on to her son who has 4 children. It was something that happened to her, no one else in the family has it. What genetic testing can tell us. It comes with the female gene so her son does not have it. She has a beautiful 100 year-old home but financially cannot retain it so she is planning to sell as soon as the market improves. I thought I might propose that I rent a room from her. The bedroom I stayed in is huge! Probably 15/15 feet with a bath next door. I thought my bed, computer, chair to read in and two dressers would have no problems fitting and with room to spare. I thought I could pay half of what I am now and she could use the money to fix up the house to sell! That would get me acclimated to the city and be ready to move to an apartment when I needed to!
The rents are more reasonable. Don't know about food, gas was 30 cents cheaper than Chicago. Rents were cheaper than Chicago. The streets were empty of cars and very few folks were on the sidewalks. It was definitely not like downtown Chicago! It looks like there are not many office buildings downtown. The major new city center is the huge conference complex. I have been there every year for the Call to Action weekend. I have been trying to see movies on the weekend for relaxation. The show for seniors was $6.50. She let me choose so I decided "Why not" and we went off to see Indiana Jones and the Chrystal Skull. A really good "swashbuckling-no blood" movie. One chase after madcap chase. And as usual the ending was "out there" leave it to Spielberg and Lucas. The special effects were great. I hope Ford does another one. Me being a senior and all. He even gets the girl at the end! What a hoot!
What really surprised me was how emotionally relaxed I was visiting Milwaukee on my own. I was out of Chicago and away from Dow's and Jason's presence and the trauma of our relationships. I have never felt that way in all of my adult years! What the feelings affirmed for me was that it is right that I move from Chicago for "my heart's sake." I had told Marjorie this when she asked me, "Why do you want to leave, Chicago has so many things to offer?" I said, "It is the pain of all that has gone on in my emotional life while I have lived here." Sometimes it does take a physical move to "begin again with a new life." The wounding of Jason, the end of our toxic marriage will forever be "Chicago memories" for me. They are connected with this place. I felt free knowing I would not see Jason or Dow in this place.
I do not know if a volunteer peace center position can be created for me. Will my life and work be an asset for the center in its 2nd year? I will not move to Milwaukee unless I can be involved in work of the center. I thought I need to negotiate two things with the center: 1. Parking permit and 2. Access to the fitness center on campus. I couldn't find anywhere to work out. I figure I would need to drive to a suburb and that I really didn't like! Although a couple of the apartment complexes advertised a fitness center.
What bummed me out was for the first time in 1 1/2 years of speaking, I forgot my notes! I felt as if speaking in this class was a mini job interview and I blew it. I also didn't clearly connect Jason going to the army and my own coming to consciousness on how I felt/believed about the war. The ethical decision to speak out against war and for peace with the "cost" that Jason does not speak to me.
Saturday, June 14, 2008
A Random Act of Kindness
This was a busy Saturday. I spent the morning in reflection and prayer knowing I would have to prepare a talk for Monday at Marquette University in Milwaukee WI. I am always collecting more material and never know what to add where. This time I speak to an Ethics class and the prof's second vocation is establishing Vet2Vet groups of Iraq veterans to provide an avenue of healing for soldiers with PTSD. I want to find out more about the program as we would like to do the same here in Chicago. The suicide rate for our veterans is at about 120 successful suicides a week, 1000 attempts reported by the VA. The true cost of war is born by soldiers and civilians. I work to end war.
So I headed out, stopped at the local hairdresser who is Spanish and who spent the whole time cutting my hair while she spoke in Spanish to a friend who was visiting. I wish I knew Spanish, a project for when I get on with my life. Then to the library and the crux of the story. I have had a horrible time with the "automated high tech" reserve a book, be notified it is in, go pick it up system. I am supposed to get a phone call, never had. I have been hassled by this process for over a year. The Chicago Public Library web site is no better, I can't navigate it with any success. So I need to do this every month as I belong to a book club and the books have to be found and reserved within the system. Sigh.
I went to the library, I happened to have my check book because I needed to pay for the haircut but I had no cash as I was doing errands on the way to the armory to sweat on the treadmill and use the weight machines. I went to the reference desk, new lady for me and asked if I could reserve a book. She took the name and attempted however I had a "book fine" and was locked out until I paid the fine. The book was the Bagavhad Gita that I had been reading during my weekly visits with a Hindu lady. She died this past week so I no longer needed it. (Her son had kept her alive way too long on an IV. Finally thank God her veins collapsed and it could no longer be inserted. She was blind and able to eat only minimally. We had trouble controlling her pain, always present. She was non-verbal, bound to the bed, needed help for everything.) She would reach out and hold our hand, not wanting to let go.
I owed 60 cents in fines cash only. Yikes, I couldn't get the book ordered unless I paid the fine. I asked, "Can I write a check?" Response by the nice lady behind the counter, "Only if it is $5." I knew mine would not be that much. I had to do this. The counter lady asked the supervisor who happened to know the story of my difficulties with the system and book reserving. She said, "No, you can't write a check for $.60" Then the random act of kindness "I will pay the fine for her." I said, "Thank you so much but I really do want to write a check for the library." She said, "Write it to the Friends of the Library." So the head librarian paid my fine and I gave a donation to the Library! I told her, "Thank you so very much for your kindness."
I then went back to the reference library and ordered my book. It is very popular. The name is something like, "Eat, pray and Love" by a Gilbert.
I came home and made banana bread my favorite when I have too ripe bananas. I will take it and offer it to the class on Monday. I figure college students are always good for snacks. Then I headed to the garden to apply 5 bags of mulch to the annual bed. I "tuck them in" but it got dark too quick and I could not give them a drink of fertilizer as I had hoped. I will have to do that on Tuesday. As I need to do it for sure before my vacation.
Then I made dinner; a recipe from Whole Foods: risotto with basil and tomato, asparagus spears
and scallops a favorite of mine. Today it made 5 meals of a cup of each. I eat one and freeze the rest. So good... I had made chicken soup earlier so I have about 10 meals frozen. It really helps as I come home at 7 PM three days a week. Thank goodness for microwaves. I make a Tupperware bowl of salad, usually lasts me most of the week and so it is easy to make a complete quick supper when I get home.
Tomorrow I am off to Milwaukee after liturgy at the Harold. I have a new patient on the way so I may try to see him. He is a twin and his brother is devastated. I actually got a call while I was on night call this week. I rarely get them which is good as I get paid only $10 a night to "carry the beeper" actually my cell phone. A woman whose spouse died today wanted the other chaplain. So I left her a phone message. Easy enough!
So I headed out, stopped at the local hairdresser who is Spanish and who spent the whole time cutting my hair while she spoke in Spanish to a friend who was visiting. I wish I knew Spanish, a project for when I get on with my life. Then to the library and the crux of the story. I have had a horrible time with the "automated high tech" reserve a book, be notified it is in, go pick it up system. I am supposed to get a phone call, never had. I have been hassled by this process for over a year. The Chicago Public Library web site is no better, I can't navigate it with any success. So I need to do this every month as I belong to a book club and the books have to be found and reserved within the system. Sigh.
I went to the library, I happened to have my check book because I needed to pay for the haircut but I had no cash as I was doing errands on the way to the armory to sweat on the treadmill and use the weight machines. I went to the reference desk, new lady for me and asked if I could reserve a book. She took the name and attempted however I had a "book fine" and was locked out until I paid the fine. The book was the Bagavhad Gita that I had been reading during my weekly visits with a Hindu lady. She died this past week so I no longer needed it. (Her son had kept her alive way too long on an IV. Finally thank God her veins collapsed and it could no longer be inserted. She was blind and able to eat only minimally. We had trouble controlling her pain, always present. She was non-verbal, bound to the bed, needed help for everything.) She would reach out and hold our hand, not wanting to let go.
I owed 60 cents in fines cash only. Yikes, I couldn't get the book ordered unless I paid the fine. I asked, "Can I write a check?" Response by the nice lady behind the counter, "Only if it is $5." I knew mine would not be that much. I had to do this. The counter lady asked the supervisor who happened to know the story of my difficulties with the system and book reserving. She said, "No, you can't write a check for $.60" Then the random act of kindness "I will pay the fine for her." I said, "Thank you so much but I really do want to write a check for the library." She said, "Write it to the Friends of the Library." So the head librarian paid my fine and I gave a donation to the Library! I told her, "Thank you so very much for your kindness."
I then went back to the reference library and ordered my book. It is very popular. The name is something like, "Eat, pray and Love" by a Gilbert.
I came home and made banana bread my favorite when I have too ripe bananas. I will take it and offer it to the class on Monday. I figure college students are always good for snacks. Then I headed to the garden to apply 5 bags of mulch to the annual bed. I "tuck them in" but it got dark too quick and I could not give them a drink of fertilizer as I had hoped. I will have to do that on Tuesday. As I need to do it for sure before my vacation.
Then I made dinner; a recipe from Whole Foods: risotto with basil and tomato, asparagus spears
and scallops a favorite of mine. Today it made 5 meals of a cup of each. I eat one and freeze the rest. So good... I had made chicken soup earlier so I have about 10 meals frozen. It really helps as I come home at 7 PM three days a week. Thank goodness for microwaves. I make a Tupperware bowl of salad, usually lasts me most of the week and so it is easy to make a complete quick supper when I get home.
Tomorrow I am off to Milwaukee after liturgy at the Harold. I have a new patient on the way so I may try to see him. He is a twin and his brother is devastated. I actually got a call while I was on night call this week. I rarely get them which is good as I get paid only $10 a night to "carry the beeper" actually my cell phone. A woman whose spouse died today wanted the other chaplain. So I left her a phone message. Easy enough!
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
Lisa's Birthday, June 10, 2008
Lisa was born June 10, 1967. She was a beautiful baby. So tiny like a doll. My mother called her "my pocket Venus" as Lisa is not quite 5'1" I loved her immediately. I had to go back to the hospital as I was bleeding out after birth. I have a "lazy uterus" that in other lands and times, I would have bled to death after birth.
I had no plans for her future except to love her. I wanted to be a better mother than my own. I remember one blessed moment when she was about 2. My sisters had gone to a bowling alley, they were always babysitting her as I was working at night at Bank of Detroit and going to school also. Lisa came out the door, threw open her arms and yelled, "Momma" it was the a wonderful moment in my life. She loved me and I loved her since before she was born and love her still. I wanted her to be happy and to enjoy life. I hope she does. We moved a lot, as I worked my way through undergraduate school. Seems like the women we lived with just didn't fit our needs as we were all struggling with our emotional states and financial straights.
She and I went camping and doing the simple daily things of life. With lots of visits to family at holidays. My mother and dad babysat her while I worked and went to school. Lisa became especially close to my dad, her surrogate father as Joe's 2nd wife wanted nothing to do with Lisa. I think she is competition for her own 2 children. Lisa wanted to have a relationship with Joe but it never transpired and he hurt her a lot. Dow adopted Lisa and she loves him as her father.
1967 was a tumultuous year. Bobby Kennedy, Rev Martin Luther King were assassinated. The Vietnam War protests were beginning to take place. The Baby Boomers were challenging the traditional American culture. The time of the Beatles, hippies, and pot. I remember being afraid that summer because of the pictures of riots taken place in Detroit. Those riots would change the city forever and it still has not recovered. (I believe the present mayor is under a recall attempt.)
Joe and I had dated since high school. He had gotten another girl pregnant in high school and often cheated on me. But I loved Joe, he was a blond Italian with green eyes-a hunk in my teen age heart. I spent all my time at his parent's home a short way from ours in Southfield Mi. There home was so much nicer than my own with my violent alcoholic mother.
During my pregnancy, Lisa's father was having an affair with his present wife and asked me for a divorce on the day of her Baptism about 6 weeks after Lisa was born. I was in shock, I knew something was going on for Joe was never home but I never realized it was an affair. (Wanting to stay in ignorance) He would stay out all night and come home to change his clothes and go to work. We lived in Orchard Lake Michigan at the time. Joe walked through all of our savings. I stayed in the cabin for a year and moved out in 1968 to live with my Aunt Wanda (mother's sister) and her husband David and cousin Mike Theakston. Joe would pay me $30 a week child support and pay for Lisa's health care insurance.
I started college-one class in the evening in the fall of 1967. It would lead me to a bachelor's degree in Business Administration in 1973 from Wayne State University. I planned to go into bank management as women were just entering such positions. The economy was in the pits, inflation was high as well as gas prices. Jimmy Carter was president. Then on to Michigan State for a Master's degree in Labor and Industrial Relations where I met Dow. I specialized in a program for the unemployed called "CETA" Comprehensive Employment and Training Act, run by States and counties to train the large numbers of unemployed. It became a boondoggle. I would be a single mother for almost 10 years. Dow and I got married in 1976 the bicentennial of the USA.
Lisa is in Idaho with Ellie this week visiting Dow's family and friends. I called her to wish her "happy birthday" but got her voice mail; I left a message. I feel a little down that I couldn't wish her Happy Birthday to her. But can only hope she had a wonderful day and knows that I do love her. Blessings to you Lisa today and everyday and to your beautiful children. May your life be filled with happiness and peace and continued growth of mind, body and soul. May the love between you and Charlie deepen and provide a strong foundation for your children. May you live to see your children's children and on to the 5th generation.
I love you, happy birthday. Momma
I had no plans for her future except to love her. I wanted to be a better mother than my own. I remember one blessed moment when she was about 2. My sisters had gone to a bowling alley, they were always babysitting her as I was working at night at Bank of Detroit and going to school also. Lisa came out the door, threw open her arms and yelled, "Momma" it was the a wonderful moment in my life. She loved me and I loved her since before she was born and love her still. I wanted her to be happy and to enjoy life. I hope she does. We moved a lot, as I worked my way through undergraduate school. Seems like the women we lived with just didn't fit our needs as we were all struggling with our emotional states and financial straights.
She and I went camping and doing the simple daily things of life. With lots of visits to family at holidays. My mother and dad babysat her while I worked and went to school. Lisa became especially close to my dad, her surrogate father as Joe's 2nd wife wanted nothing to do with Lisa. I think she is competition for her own 2 children. Lisa wanted to have a relationship with Joe but it never transpired and he hurt her a lot. Dow adopted Lisa and she loves him as her father.
1967 was a tumultuous year. Bobby Kennedy, Rev Martin Luther King were assassinated. The Vietnam War protests were beginning to take place. The Baby Boomers were challenging the traditional American culture. The time of the Beatles, hippies, and pot. I remember being afraid that summer because of the pictures of riots taken place in Detroit. Those riots would change the city forever and it still has not recovered. (I believe the present mayor is under a recall attempt.)
Joe and I had dated since high school. He had gotten another girl pregnant in high school and often cheated on me. But I loved Joe, he was a blond Italian with green eyes-a hunk in my teen age heart. I spent all my time at his parent's home a short way from ours in Southfield Mi. There home was so much nicer than my own with my violent alcoholic mother.
During my pregnancy, Lisa's father was having an affair with his present wife and asked me for a divorce on the day of her Baptism about 6 weeks after Lisa was born. I was in shock, I knew something was going on for Joe was never home but I never realized it was an affair. (Wanting to stay in ignorance) He would stay out all night and come home to change his clothes and go to work. We lived in Orchard Lake Michigan at the time. Joe walked through all of our savings. I stayed in the cabin for a year and moved out in 1968 to live with my Aunt Wanda (mother's sister) and her husband David and cousin Mike Theakston. Joe would pay me $30 a week child support and pay for Lisa's health care insurance.
I started college-one class in the evening in the fall of 1967. It would lead me to a bachelor's degree in Business Administration in 1973 from Wayne State University. I planned to go into bank management as women were just entering such positions. The economy was in the pits, inflation was high as well as gas prices. Jimmy Carter was president. Then on to Michigan State for a Master's degree in Labor and Industrial Relations where I met Dow. I specialized in a program for the unemployed called "CETA" Comprehensive Employment and Training Act, run by States and counties to train the large numbers of unemployed. It became a boondoggle. I would be a single mother for almost 10 years. Dow and I got married in 1976 the bicentennial of the USA.
Lisa is in Idaho with Ellie this week visiting Dow's family and friends. I called her to wish her "happy birthday" but got her voice mail; I left a message. I feel a little down that I couldn't wish her Happy Birthday to her. But can only hope she had a wonderful day and knows that I do love her. Blessings to you Lisa today and everyday and to your beautiful children. May your life be filled with happiness and peace and continued growth of mind, body and soul. May the love between you and Charlie deepen and provide a strong foundation for your children. May you live to see your children's children and on to the 5th generation.
I love you, happy birthday. Momma
Sunday, June 8, 2008
Sunday June 8, 2008
This turned out to be an interesting day.
I went to my small RC faith community this morning and met Charlotte. I hadn't seen her in a couple of weeks. After liturgy we went to the cafe across the street and she updated me on her story. She has not been able to find work after 1 year of unemployment. If you have a job available for a trained accountant, not CPA in the Chicago area; do let me know. She is under a great deal of stress.
She has been volunteering for the local politicians and collapsed at work on Monday. They took her to NWMH downtown where she was placed in ICU because her heart stopped. I found out her heart is enlarged because of childhood rheumatic fever. She has episodes like this before. She had to apply for Medicaid because she has no insurance. She will have to move. I know that she is proud and is alone. She had no one to call when she was in the hospital-till Thursday. I said, "Charlotte, why didn't you call me?" She said she didn't have my number.
I want to help her but my own situation is in transition. This economy is the pits. I asked her about her family-East Coast. She said, "We don't come to each other when in trouble. I don't like it when people fuss over me. I work to pay my bills." She couldn't believe it when I told her, "Let the community pay your hospital bills, you worked for all your adult life, you would be working now if jobs were available." "I can't do that" was her reply. Why not is my thought.
I think "I wonder where my journey as divorced woman at 65 will take me?" Who will I turn to in time of trouble? Where will I go? Very sobering questions after my divorce. Yet so many older Americans live alone. Our culture stinks. We should be in community, with family. This idiocy of "American individualism" is a horrendous fantasy bought into by Americans for the profit of the few. The social network has been dismantled. This country is "stuff orientated." Very sad as the economy will not let us any longer focus on "stuff I own." A major rethinking, re-prioritizing will go on, I hope. Family and friends are the most important. Our relationships make us human, we have given up relationships for stuff.
So after taking Charlotte downtown to Watertower, didn't ask her why. I headed home where my landlord came over to fix my back door lock. This is the city of Chicago folks and I haven't been able to lock my door for two days. Something in it moved. It took the landlord over an hour to "gerrymander" it back together. Wouldn't buy a new lock, duct tape came in handy for him. But now I can get in and out, that is all that counts. Oh and lock the door at night. I think, "My guardian angel must have gray feathers by now, protecting me." I think I am protected by the hospice patients I accompanied on their journey into the next life. I feel I have powerful saints to call on for help and protection. Actually I feel safe in this apartment and neighborhood. And since I don't feel 65, I don't "act old." My body may be getting there, but it isn't yet.
I spent not quite 2 hours talking to my aunt Theresa on the phone. We have these long telephone visits about 2 times a month. I really appreciate her. She is my godmother and the mother I never had. Aunt T is so very proud of all her nieces and nephews. So I wiled away the day between landlord and Aunt T and got no housework done.
Then it was on to WOC business. Met with the ladies who will be ordained this fall. The pope this week declared that anyone who is ordained is excommunicated. All those who help them be ordained are too. So...I am in deep do do and loving it. I said, "We must do this for our granddaughters sake." This is discrimination plain and simple. God is male and female and Mystery. We met for 2 1/2 hours and shared our stories. Kari just beginning the journey, Fran retired theologian who attended the first Women's Ordination Conference in Detroit, Laura pregnant with her third child.
We talked about resources and tasks to come. They want to have a Mary Magdala service in July. I will be away so can't do it. It is only 5 weeks away so we need to get planning. I think it will work. We need to invite the folks from CTA, Dignity, WOC, Corpus to meet the priests to be. Barbara wants to keep it under George's radar because I guess the NYC Cardinal put pressure on the Christian church where their ordinations were to be held and it had to be moved. Barbara said we have to have three sites, she has two churches that have volunteered but if they get pressure from George, we have to have a non-church back up also. This is in November so holding it outside is not an option. This will prove to be a very interesting time.
We will see what Sophia will put together. All we do is have to trust and do the work. So it was 9:30 by the time I got home, a really full day. Worship, ministry with the unemployed, chores, bringing the dream of Vatican II into the light of reality. To enflesh the dream of Sophia, that is what I like to say.
I went to my small RC faith community this morning and met Charlotte. I hadn't seen her in a couple of weeks. After liturgy we went to the cafe across the street and she updated me on her story. She has not been able to find work after 1 year of unemployment. If you have a job available for a trained accountant, not CPA in the Chicago area; do let me know. She is under a great deal of stress.
She has been volunteering for the local politicians and collapsed at work on Monday. They took her to NWMH downtown where she was placed in ICU because her heart stopped. I found out her heart is enlarged because of childhood rheumatic fever. She has episodes like this before. She had to apply for Medicaid because she has no insurance. She will have to move. I know that she is proud and is alone. She had no one to call when she was in the hospital-till Thursday. I said, "Charlotte, why didn't you call me?" She said she didn't have my number.
I want to help her but my own situation is in transition. This economy is the pits. I asked her about her family-East Coast. She said, "We don't come to each other when in trouble. I don't like it when people fuss over me. I work to pay my bills." She couldn't believe it when I told her, "Let the community pay your hospital bills, you worked for all your adult life, you would be working now if jobs were available." "I can't do that" was her reply. Why not is my thought.
I think "I wonder where my journey as divorced woman at 65 will take me?" Who will I turn to in time of trouble? Where will I go? Very sobering questions after my divorce. Yet so many older Americans live alone. Our culture stinks. We should be in community, with family. This idiocy of "American individualism" is a horrendous fantasy bought into by Americans for the profit of the few. The social network has been dismantled. This country is "stuff orientated." Very sad as the economy will not let us any longer focus on "stuff I own." A major rethinking, re-prioritizing will go on, I hope. Family and friends are the most important. Our relationships make us human, we have given up relationships for stuff.
So after taking Charlotte downtown to Watertower, didn't ask her why. I headed home where my landlord came over to fix my back door lock. This is the city of Chicago folks and I haven't been able to lock my door for two days. Something in it moved. It took the landlord over an hour to "gerrymander" it back together. Wouldn't buy a new lock, duct tape came in handy for him. But now I can get in and out, that is all that counts. Oh and lock the door at night. I think, "My guardian angel must have gray feathers by now, protecting me." I think I am protected by the hospice patients I accompanied on their journey into the next life. I feel I have powerful saints to call on for help and protection. Actually I feel safe in this apartment and neighborhood. And since I don't feel 65, I don't "act old." My body may be getting there, but it isn't yet.
I spent not quite 2 hours talking to my aunt Theresa on the phone. We have these long telephone visits about 2 times a month. I really appreciate her. She is my godmother and the mother I never had. Aunt T is so very proud of all her nieces and nephews. So I wiled away the day between landlord and Aunt T and got no housework done.
Then it was on to WOC business. Met with the ladies who will be ordained this fall. The pope this week declared that anyone who is ordained is excommunicated. All those who help them be ordained are too. So...I am in deep do do and loving it. I said, "We must do this for our granddaughters sake." This is discrimination plain and simple. God is male and female and Mystery. We met for 2 1/2 hours and shared our stories. Kari just beginning the journey, Fran retired theologian who attended the first Women's Ordination Conference in Detroit, Laura pregnant with her third child.
We talked about resources and tasks to come. They want to have a Mary Magdala service in July. I will be away so can't do it. It is only 5 weeks away so we need to get planning. I think it will work. We need to invite the folks from CTA, Dignity, WOC, Corpus to meet the priests to be. Barbara wants to keep it under George's radar because I guess the NYC Cardinal put pressure on the Christian church where their ordinations were to be held and it had to be moved. Barbara said we have to have three sites, she has two churches that have volunteered but if they get pressure from George, we have to have a non-church back up also. This is in November so holding it outside is not an option. This will prove to be a very interesting time.
We will see what Sophia will put together. All we do is have to trust and do the work. So it was 9:30 by the time I got home, a really full day. Worship, ministry with the unemployed, chores, bringing the dream of Vatican II into the light of reality. To enflesh the dream of Sophia, that is what I like to say.
Saturday, June 7, 2008
Kung Fu Panda
After reading all the reviews I decided I couldn't wait to see the movie with my grandkids, they living in FL and I not knowing when I will get to visit them. I assume by then it will be on DVD. So I decided I would head to the theater. Not having anyone I could call and ask to come with me, it made the decision easy. Senior prices in Chicago-$8.50 a pop plus $2 to park, but I didn't mind the $2 as I was charged $19 for 30 minutes when I went in for my shot on Thursday.
So onto the movie. One of the reviewers told the story of the animation clip that was done to show the producer? funder? whoever. It is definitely a must see! The panda and his master a raccoon (I think) have a chop stick battle over Chinese dumplings! Best animated footage I ever saw! I will watch the movie again when it comes out on DVD just to see that sequence. Another cute idea is the use of the animals for the martial arts postures themselves: Crane, tiger, monkey and a praying mantis (which reminded me of Jiminy Cricket). I don't know of any panda pose so I am not sure how he got chosen to be the long awaited Warrior. And I am not sure why the villagers were pigs and geese. The villain looked like a snow leopard. The background scenery was very well done. The moral of the story: All you need to be is who you are. Sigh...How I wish I understood that well before entering into relationships with men.
So I had a good afternoon, I went to the show because the heat and humidity and my apartment is not that well cooled, one wall air conditioner in the dining room definitely does not cool the house. I have a standing fan in my bedroom and a ceiling fan also. But I think I will turn on the air conditioner tonight.
Sleep cool tonight. Lisa said that it was in the 60's in Idaho and 40's at night. Good weather for me.
So an interesting day for the First Day of the Rest of my Life
So onto the movie. One of the reviewers told the story of the animation clip that was done to show the producer? funder? whoever. It is definitely a must see! The panda and his master a raccoon (I think) have a chop stick battle over Chinese dumplings! Best animated footage I ever saw! I will watch the movie again when it comes out on DVD just to see that sequence. Another cute idea is the use of the animals for the martial arts postures themselves: Crane, tiger, monkey and a praying mantis (which reminded me of Jiminy Cricket). I don't know of any panda pose so I am not sure how he got chosen to be the long awaited Warrior. And I am not sure why the villagers were pigs and geese. The villain looked like a snow leopard. The background scenery was very well done. The moral of the story: All you need to be is who you are. Sigh...How I wish I understood that well before entering into relationships with men.
So I had a good afternoon, I went to the show because the heat and humidity and my apartment is not that well cooled, one wall air conditioner in the dining room definitely does not cool the house. I have a standing fan in my bedroom and a ceiling fan also. But I think I will turn on the air conditioner tonight.
Sleep cool tonight. Lisa said that it was in the 60's in Idaho and 40's at night. Good weather for me.
So an interesting day for the First Day of the Rest of my Life
The First Day of the Rest of My Life
Sorta crazy. I feel like THIS is the first day of the rest of my life. Even though lots of paper work and going to court must take place. Emotionally and spiritually, I feel I am in a new "place."
It is hard work to disconnect thoughts and feelings from Dow. I see something and it triggers "Dow" for example right now the streets are filled with bikers, Dow's favorite past time. I know this will fade in time however it is disconcerting to me. I know it is part of the grief process made more difficult by the actuality that Dow is alive. So "the unfinished business of the relationship" is a reality and the grief is ongoing and will be for sometime.
Part of my response is for the first time in my life I feel a real need to move physically from "Dow's space" as I consider Chicago. We moved here for Dow's position at Loyola University, I hated to leave the beauty of SW Virginia, the mountains and weather were perfect for me. I often thought before we left 12 years ago, "Is this move for me or Dow?" I think that the move was ultimately for me spiritually and emotionally. Here I found like minded RC's, became involved in Women's Ordination, studied for and became a hospice chaplain.
Dow was removed from his chair of the department 1 1/2 years after our arrival. Dow has struggled with his career and his consulting which he counted on to supplement his income as a professor. However he did achieve becoming a full-professor, part of his criteria for coming. I can see Dow moving from Chicago if he can find a position in a town he likes where biking takes place all year, that is what he liked about Blacksburg. I think Dow has given up "creating a consulting company" His research is dated and the economy count against consulting, I think. It is up to Dow to do what he will and become who he will on this "First Day of the Rest of His Life." Dow doesn't believe in God, so I can't say, "God go with you." So I guess I will say, "May the Force (of evolution) be with you." It is enough.
I attended a monthly meeting of the local church affiliated Pax Christi this morning. I have been connected with them since I returned to Chicago from Walter Reed. We were discussing, "Who are we?" Do it periodically so that we can "ground ourselves in our commitment to peacemaking in this moment." It was so good to be able to be with other peacemakers. I love it, I feel at home when I am with them or with anyone working for justice and peace. This is my true home-spiritual and emotional, not the physical place. From hospice I know the physical is temporary, the values and meaning live forever. May my life become a witness to the values, I believe are Gospel values-peace, healing, reconciliation and justice making.
Then I spent 1/2 hour on the phone with Michael Duffey, prof at Marquette University and connected to the Center for Peacemaking which was funded by a retired graduate who came back, got his PHD and endowed the Center. Used his dissertation as the basis for a book "Gandhi's and Jesus-The Saving Power of Nonviolence" by Terrence J. Rynne.
Michael is really committed to the healing of veterans from PTSD. I didn't get to ask him if he was a veteran. They have trained listeners to gather with veterans, he says the veterans are not yet seeking the sessions out. I said, "It is like bereavement, you have to offer the space, who comes will be those who are ready."
So next weekend I will travel to Milwaukee to meet with Michael, the associate director of the center, and...he asked that I attend a class and be part of the discussion. I thought "I would love to be a speaker to the students" that is one of my goals-anti recruitment, don't have to say anything, just tell the story of a family suffering because of war. Let the young men and women decide. So I will take my photo albums and memories and tell the story.
It is hard work to disconnect thoughts and feelings from Dow. I see something and it triggers "Dow" for example right now the streets are filled with bikers, Dow's favorite past time. I know this will fade in time however it is disconcerting to me. I know it is part of the grief process made more difficult by the actuality that Dow is alive. So "the unfinished business of the relationship" is a reality and the grief is ongoing and will be for sometime.
Part of my response is for the first time in my life I feel a real need to move physically from "Dow's space" as I consider Chicago. We moved here for Dow's position at Loyola University, I hated to leave the beauty of SW Virginia, the mountains and weather were perfect for me. I often thought before we left 12 years ago, "Is this move for me or Dow?" I think that the move was ultimately for me spiritually and emotionally. Here I found like minded RC's, became involved in Women's Ordination, studied for and became a hospice chaplain.
Dow was removed from his chair of the department 1 1/2 years after our arrival. Dow has struggled with his career and his consulting which he counted on to supplement his income as a professor. However he did achieve becoming a full-professor, part of his criteria for coming. I can see Dow moving from Chicago if he can find a position in a town he likes where biking takes place all year, that is what he liked about Blacksburg. I think Dow has given up "creating a consulting company" His research is dated and the economy count against consulting, I think. It is up to Dow to do what he will and become who he will on this "First Day of the Rest of His Life." Dow doesn't believe in God, so I can't say, "God go with you." So I guess I will say, "May the Force (of evolution) be with you." It is enough.
I attended a monthly meeting of the local church affiliated Pax Christi this morning. I have been connected with them since I returned to Chicago from Walter Reed. We were discussing, "Who are we?" Do it periodically so that we can "ground ourselves in our commitment to peacemaking in this moment." It was so good to be able to be with other peacemakers. I love it, I feel at home when I am with them or with anyone working for justice and peace. This is my true home-spiritual and emotional, not the physical place. From hospice I know the physical is temporary, the values and meaning live forever. May my life become a witness to the values, I believe are Gospel values-peace, healing, reconciliation and justice making.
Then I spent 1/2 hour on the phone with Michael Duffey, prof at Marquette University and connected to the Center for Peacemaking which was funded by a retired graduate who came back, got his PHD and endowed the Center. Used his dissertation as the basis for a book "Gandhi's and Jesus-The Saving Power of Nonviolence" by Terrence J. Rynne.
Michael is really committed to the healing of veterans from PTSD. I didn't get to ask him if he was a veteran. They have trained listeners to gather with veterans, he says the veterans are not yet seeking the sessions out. I said, "It is like bereavement, you have to offer the space, who comes will be those who are ready."
So next weekend I will travel to Milwaukee to meet with Michael, the associate director of the center, and...he asked that I attend a class and be part of the discussion. I thought "I would love to be a speaker to the students" that is one of my goals-anti recruitment, don't have to say anything, just tell the story of a family suffering because of war. Let the young men and women decide. So I will take my photo albums and memories and tell the story.
Friday, June 6, 2008
A Settlement Letter is Written
Dow is in Idaho with Lisa and Ellie visiting family. They will celebrate Lisa's 41st birthday on June 10. Dow's lawyer sent his latest response to Scott Gordon. We talked today and agreed to the terms. I feel anti-climatic, we have been at this negotiating 1 1/2 years. We have been separated 2 1/3 years.
Dow has not grown emotionally or spiritually. I am very saddened by this but it is not unexpected. He walked away from his first marriage "No, never thought about it." That should have been a huge red flag for me. Again my woundedness blocked my bringing to mind my own unconscious material that controlled my relating to Dow during our relationship. Sad to say "Dow's unconscious and my unconscious issues were toxic for Jason, Dow and myself." Nothing was healthy for our interactions. When Jason was injured all he could reply to Lisa's question, "Dad how are you feeling?" was "I feel like you do." Dow is not able to access feelings nor express them nor identify them and honor them in another person. Therefore no emotional intimacy with Dow can be achieved.
I always accepted the responsibility that somehow I needed to do something so Dow could access and express feelings. Wasted 30 years being neurotic, fearful and depressed because I could not find "the key" to Dow's inner self. Only Dow can do that. I knew that intellectually but I lived a different life emotionally.
Well, today I coasted through the visits; my mind half on my hospice patients, half on the "What does it mean to be a single woman age 65?" The stock market lost 330 points, gas is well over $4 a gallon, my job my be cut at any time. I have no personal friends-no can't say that. I have two nuns who are my friends and my spiritual director also a nun. Yet I find my life to be interesting and challenging. What should I do? I know I want to work and live for peace. How best to do that? I need to be about looking for ways to live in community and live for peace.
Being a hospice chaplain, I know I can receive a terminal diagnosis the next time I visit my MD. No guarantees. I feel as if every breath I take is precious. Like I felt after I saw Jason at Walter Reed, every breath of his life is precious. All is gift. Life is sacred. May my life honor it! At the same time I feel a deep peace. I know that when the divorce is signed, I will feel even more at peace. The door will be shut on Dow's abuse of me. He needs to grow I could not help him, I hindered my own growth. May we both grow into the people we have the potential to be. May Jason be healed of body and mind and soul so that he might grow to his fullest potential as human. May from his great pain come great compassion. It is the way.
At a nursing where we had a patient a couple of years ago, she is still alive, her loving spouse caught me "Hi, I couldn't let you by. We are moving to FL. " He had purchased a home, never sold it and as an avid golfer wants to be where the sun is all year. His daughter had a bout of cancer-now in remission, his son an opera singer, both in their 20's. So he is moving his wife to a nursing home in the town, "10 minutes" away. He sees her everyday. He is relaxed and comfortable. His wife sits in her wheel chair and smiles and cannot say a word. I got his address and promised to stay in touch by mail "the old fashioned way." We prayed for blessings on their move.
May your dreams be of peace, good memories and a bright future.
Dow has not grown emotionally or spiritually. I am very saddened by this but it is not unexpected. He walked away from his first marriage "No, never thought about it." That should have been a huge red flag for me. Again my woundedness blocked my bringing to mind my own unconscious material that controlled my relating to Dow during our relationship. Sad to say "Dow's unconscious and my unconscious issues were toxic for Jason, Dow and myself." Nothing was healthy for our interactions. When Jason was injured all he could reply to Lisa's question, "Dad how are you feeling?" was "I feel like you do." Dow is not able to access feelings nor express them nor identify them and honor them in another person. Therefore no emotional intimacy with Dow can be achieved.
I always accepted the responsibility that somehow I needed to do something so Dow could access and express feelings. Wasted 30 years being neurotic, fearful and depressed because I could not find "the key" to Dow's inner self. Only Dow can do that. I knew that intellectually but I lived a different life emotionally.
Well, today I coasted through the visits; my mind half on my hospice patients, half on the "What does it mean to be a single woman age 65?" The stock market lost 330 points, gas is well over $4 a gallon, my job my be cut at any time. I have no personal friends-no can't say that. I have two nuns who are my friends and my spiritual director also a nun. Yet I find my life to be interesting and challenging. What should I do? I know I want to work and live for peace. How best to do that? I need to be about looking for ways to live in community and live for peace.
Being a hospice chaplain, I know I can receive a terminal diagnosis the next time I visit my MD. No guarantees. I feel as if every breath I take is precious. Like I felt after I saw Jason at Walter Reed, every breath of his life is precious. All is gift. Life is sacred. May my life honor it! At the same time I feel a deep peace. I know that when the divorce is signed, I will feel even more at peace. The door will be shut on Dow's abuse of me. He needs to grow I could not help him, I hindered my own growth. May we both grow into the people we have the potential to be. May Jason be healed of body and mind and soul so that he might grow to his fullest potential as human. May from his great pain come great compassion. It is the way.
At a nursing where we had a patient a couple of years ago, she is still alive, her loving spouse caught me "Hi, I couldn't let you by. We are moving to FL. " He had purchased a home, never sold it and as an avid golfer wants to be where the sun is all year. His daughter had a bout of cancer-now in remission, his son an opera singer, both in their 20's. So he is moving his wife to a nursing home in the town, "10 minutes" away. He sees her everyday. He is relaxed and comfortable. His wife sits in her wheel chair and smiles and cannot say a word. I got his address and promised to stay in touch by mail "the old fashioned way." We prayed for blessings on their move.
May your dreams be of peace, good memories and a bright future.
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
Joint Commission Accredidation
I mentioned that I am helping a very small hospice as a 1 hour a week chaplain. Today before the surveyor left she told Bernice "You have passed with flying colors." Bernice just called me to let me know. I am happy for her. Bernice really believes in and lives hospice. I know Dr. Cicely Saunders is proud of her.
Jason has agreed to sign off on the timeshares. I have to collect the forms for quick claim deeds and send them off to Dow to forward to Jason. Legal procedure has to be followed. I do not want any future complications.
Jason has agreed to sign off on the timeshares. I have to collect the forms for quick claim deeds and send them off to Dow to forward to Jason. Legal procedure has to be followed. I do not want any future complications.
Monday, June 2, 2008
June 2, 2008 Monday: Down and Up
Well I was wrong.
Lisa did not tell me about going to Tampa until I asked her, "Heard Dow was going to ID. Anybody going?" She didn't ask "Who told you?" Was pretty matter of fact about the trip. Said, "She was along for the visit with Ellie, didn't have to plan, but things were being planned." I assume they will touch base with all the local family, Sue is not coming up from CA. Probably go to Jim Stevens, a long time friend of Dow's who has retired to the Priest River area. Has a fabulous place according to Dow. I didn't ask if Jason was going with them, didn't think of it.
We talked about changing over the time share and my trying to get Jason off ownership. It will cost me some bucks but I guess that is what I get for not having my own checking account and having Dow control all the money. The county clerk in Tennessee said she would create the "quick claim deed" so Dow could sign with a notary and relinquish any marital right to the property. I also asked her to make one for Jason so he could also come off ownership. She said she would this week and send it on to me.
What makes me so angry is that Dow was adamant about not buying the timeshare now he has control of the process. The Tenn. time share folks were astounded the judge ordered the case settled like this. She argued that Dow cannot legally change ownership of the timeshare, real estate law doesn't work that way. Opens up the way to get Jason off the timeshare, so Lisa doesn't have to deal with his passive aggressive behavior(like his dad) in the future. So I am not complaining really, except for the money it is costing me.
Got a call from my lawyer, "I am getting off the plane at Midway. Been away since Friday. I'll call you from the office tomorrow after I read the emails, etc." So nice that he is called me...? So Scott comes back and Dow leaves, now you know why this divorce is in its 19th month and counting.
But on the up side:
I have been working one hour a week for a very small hospice-5 patients. The owner is trying to get Medicare certified through a process by a review board with the initials of JAHCO. Don't ask me what they stand for, Joint Accreditation... The poor woman has been waiting for a year for them to come. She has mortgaged her home, borrowed from everyone to the max.
Well to make a long saga short...JAHCO arrived TODAY at 7 AM! One surveyor who will be with at the office for two days. She went on a joint visit with the CNA today, the RN tomorrow. She wants to talk to the Social Worker and myself and the MD tomorrow. She will attend our IDT meeting where we present all the patients, usually an hour. So it will be interesting. I once took a surveyor out on a visit with me. She was a social worker and "took over the visit!" She had a great time and I passed with flying colors. I remember the patient very well, named Mary in a nursing home. Went home and lived for 3 years on hospice. I know the surveyor today asked "About washing hands and communication with the RN" I also do bereavement and I am sure she will ask about contact and follow-up.
So tomorrow is a new day and I hope to "help my supervisor pass inspection" I helped start a hospice in Blacksburg VA in the late 70's with a good friend Cindy Massie who was a RN. Bernice is just like Cindy but with even more energy! She knows nursing and health care cold and the regs are memorized. I can't imagine us not getting certified. I am bringing fresh fruit and Bernice is bringing string cheese.
So I wish Bernice the very best and it has been a "trip down memory lane." Except this time I have a lot of actual hospice experience under my belt and feel relaxed instead of anxious about the survey visit tomorrow. Then on to work my regular ministry position.
So I feel that I am tying up the loose ends on the divorce and looking to the future, where ever Godde leads me. Did a lot of chores today: washed clothes including blankets, post office, exercise on the treadmill and with weights for 1 hour, sent out about 10 cards for folks, to the bank, recycled plastic-special drop off.
Godde bless us everyone,
Lisa did not tell me about going to Tampa until I asked her, "Heard Dow was going to ID. Anybody going?" She didn't ask "Who told you?" Was pretty matter of fact about the trip. Said, "She was along for the visit with Ellie, didn't have to plan, but things were being planned." I assume they will touch base with all the local family, Sue is not coming up from CA. Probably go to Jim Stevens, a long time friend of Dow's who has retired to the Priest River area. Has a fabulous place according to Dow. I didn't ask if Jason was going with them, didn't think of it.
We talked about changing over the time share and my trying to get Jason off ownership. It will cost me some bucks but I guess that is what I get for not having my own checking account and having Dow control all the money. The county clerk in Tennessee said she would create the "quick claim deed" so Dow could sign with a notary and relinquish any marital right to the property. I also asked her to make one for Jason so he could also come off ownership. She said she would this week and send it on to me.
What makes me so angry is that Dow was adamant about not buying the timeshare now he has control of the process. The Tenn. time share folks were astounded the judge ordered the case settled like this. She argued that Dow cannot legally change ownership of the timeshare, real estate law doesn't work that way. Opens up the way to get Jason off the timeshare, so Lisa doesn't have to deal with his passive aggressive behavior(like his dad) in the future. So I am not complaining really, except for the money it is costing me.
Got a call from my lawyer, "I am getting off the plane at Midway. Been away since Friday. I'll call you from the office tomorrow after I read the emails, etc." So nice that he is called me...? So Scott comes back and Dow leaves, now you know why this divorce is in its 19th month and counting.
But on the up side:
I have been working one hour a week for a very small hospice-5 patients. The owner is trying to get Medicare certified through a process by a review board with the initials of JAHCO. Don't ask me what they stand for, Joint Accreditation... The poor woman has been waiting for a year for them to come. She has mortgaged her home, borrowed from everyone to the max.
Well to make a long saga short...JAHCO arrived TODAY at 7 AM! One surveyor who will be with at the office for two days. She went on a joint visit with the CNA today, the RN tomorrow. She wants to talk to the Social Worker and myself and the MD tomorrow. She will attend our IDT meeting where we present all the patients, usually an hour. So it will be interesting. I once took a surveyor out on a visit with me. She was a social worker and "took over the visit!" She had a great time and I passed with flying colors. I remember the patient very well, named Mary in a nursing home. Went home and lived for 3 years on hospice. I know the surveyor today asked "About washing hands and communication with the RN" I also do bereavement and I am sure she will ask about contact and follow-up.
So tomorrow is a new day and I hope to "help my supervisor pass inspection" I helped start a hospice in Blacksburg VA in the late 70's with a good friend Cindy Massie who was a RN. Bernice is just like Cindy but with even more energy! She knows nursing and health care cold and the regs are memorized. I can't imagine us not getting certified. I am bringing fresh fruit and Bernice is bringing string cheese.
So I wish Bernice the very best and it has been a "trip down memory lane." Except this time I have a lot of actual hospice experience under my belt and feel relaxed instead of anxious about the survey visit tomorrow. Then on to work my regular ministry position.
So I feel that I am tying up the loose ends on the divorce and looking to the future, where ever Godde leads me. Did a lot of chores today: washed clothes including blankets, post office, exercise on the treadmill and with weights for 1 hour, sent out about 10 cards for folks, to the bank, recycled plastic-special drop off.
Godde bless us everyone,
Sunday, June 1, 2008
June 1, 2008 A Sacred Morning
I was to preside today as Patricia asked me to switch, not quite sure why. It is summer in the city and I felt no one would be at the liturgy. I baked Parker House rolls for our Eucharist and prepared my thoughts for our dialog homily. I headed off to the Harold, located in the Uptown Ministry on Sheridan and thought "no body will be here." The pastor has recently quit and so often the storefront church is closed. Much to my delight one of our members was there to let me in and help set up. Erin and I went about setting up 12 chairs in a circle. A Lutheran member sends fresh flowers each week, so unwrapping them and setting them out is always a nice surprise.
Our regulars arrived:
Ernest (ex-felon) and Laura (developmentally disabled, lives in a nursing home),
Don(senior served in Korea) from the Catholic Worker
Surprise Mary Kay and Patricia arrived-said they couldn't go camping because of the weather.
Carl came in and left-does the same routine every week.
Another gentleman came in stayed a while, then left.
Carol BVM was back from Africa after a month.
A real surprise, Renny Goldman, not sure of her order, hadn't seen her since last fall, she winters in AZ arrived. She is a published poet, very interested in SA/CA justice issues.
Then 2 women, African American and maybe her adult daughter. I never got their relationship.
Sr. Bernie lawyer for immigrant rights.
Erin-8th Day Center for Justice
and myself as presider.
There was a lot of movement in and out of the circle of worship. I cannot believe how much I am at peace with it all. It is in "the hands of God" I am not oblivious, but more and more "I trust that Godde is in charge" and let "Godde be" I really don't preside, we all do. I oversee the flow of the prayers but Godde truly is in charge.
The gospel was the story from Jesus of building our home on sand or a solid foundation. As I had just read an article about PTSD and healing our soldiers and ourselves I substituted quotes from the article for the second reading.
After communion, Mary stood in the center by our altar table and we each placed our hand on her or on another who was touching her. I began, "Loving God, heal Mary in mind, body and Spirit. We know that you want wholeness for her. May she receive all the support she needs in the coming time." Many others offered prayers for her support and comfort and peace and healing. We told her to come back and worship with us anytime. Mary was thankful for our care and concern for her.
I only pray that my children reach consciousness before they are told like Mary, "It is time for hospice." Lisa is on her way via family life. Jason I think has mountains to climb before he is healed. I hold him in my heart.
After Liturgy:
I had to go to the grocery store to get some food as I needed to make a dish for 3 bean stew to take to a 50th birthday potluck. As I was walking the aisles, I felt the anxiety that I connect with Dow. What a change in the force field/emotional field 30 years of anxiety can do. I thought, "Is Dow or Jason shopping? Am I going to meet them?" I walked into an aisle and there was Sue a neighbor that lives in our condo building. I had presided at her father's funeral earlier this year. We said, "Hello" and then I said, "Sue, I have to ask a personal question, have you seen Jason?" I had not been told but assumed that Jason was living with Dow during his internship in Chicago.
Sue replied, "I have seen Jason a couple of times. Once in a suit (she looked surprised at this) and once "as if he had been out for a hike." Sue had talked to Dow and he told her that the internship in Orlando didn't work out. Dow had asked Jodi, Jason's girlfriend, "Will you take him back?" Jodi replied "Yes" so Dow "let" Jason come. Sue said, "Jason looks good." I was so glad to hear Sue's report even as my heart breaks to have Jason so close yet on the "other side of the moon."
Dow is planning on going to Idaho from 6/6 to 6/15. (I was surprised at this because I thought Lisa and family were going with Dow, but now I don't think so as Lisa did not tell me this. I think she would.) Sadly, that is what attracted me to Dow-his pictures of Idaho. I thought we would move there after being married. Dow never went back until his mother was in a nursing home. I know he went back last year, took the grandkids camping. Not sure what is happening this year.
After our conversation, my "anxiety" or heightened awareness dissipated immediately. I find it very interesting that this "energy field disturbance" takes place and I can feel it. It expands beyond Dow and Jason now to those who interact with them. Consciousness is so much more than what we understand. Or the range of feelings and energy is greater than we understand. I do not know, I only experience it. Sue said, "Stay in touch, I love you." And I felt blessed by her friendship. I told her that Jason and I had not talked. She seemed to know that and offered, "Maybe I will be devil's advocate and ask him if I get the opportunity, "Have you seen your mom while you have been in town? See what he replies."
Part of me thinks that Jason was "brought to Chicago" to "address our relationship" I do not know, I only feel it. I certainly know it is part of his healing process.
Peace everyone
Our regulars arrived:
Ernest (ex-felon) and Laura (developmentally disabled, lives in a nursing home),
Don(senior served in Korea) from the Catholic Worker
Surprise Mary Kay and Patricia arrived-said they couldn't go camping because of the weather.
Carl came in and left-does the same routine every week.
Another gentleman came in stayed a while, then left.
Carol BVM was back from Africa after a month.
A real surprise, Renny Goldman, not sure of her order, hadn't seen her since last fall, she winters in AZ arrived. She is a published poet, very interested in SA/CA justice issues.
Then 2 women, African American and maybe her adult daughter. I never got their relationship.
Sr. Bernie lawyer for immigrant rights.
Erin-8th Day Center for Justice
and myself as presider.
There was a lot of movement in and out of the circle of worship. I cannot believe how much I am at peace with it all. It is in "the hands of God" I am not oblivious, but more and more "I trust that Godde is in charge" and let "Godde be" I really don't preside, we all do. I oversee the flow of the prayers but Godde truly is in charge.
The gospel was the story from Jesus of building our home on sand or a solid foundation. As I had just read an article about PTSD and healing our soldiers and ourselves I substituted quotes from the article for the second reading.
A reading from the article “Heal the Warrior, Heal the Country: Breaking the Cycle of War Making” by Dr. Edward Tick. (“Yes” magazine, Summer 2008)
The Warrior’s Path
Throughout history, the only reason for fighting that has survived moral scrutiny is a direct attack with real immediate threat to one’s people. PTSD is, in part, the tortured conscience of good people who did their best under conditions that would dehumanize anyone.
War abroad foster war at home. When we go to war, we inevitably bring its violence and horror back to our homes and streets. We cannot help it…war echoes down the generations. Known or hidden, we all carry the wounds of war…When a veteran has PTSD, his or her entire family and community are inevitably affected. The individual symptoms of PTSD-sleep disturbances, substance abuse, depression, and problems with intimacy, employment and authority—are the same symptoms that are epidemic in our society. When we take a close and unprotected look, we see: We are a nation and a planet of wounded warriors, their offspring, and their neighbors.
The severity and extent to which veterans suffer with PTSD is a direct response to our culture’s blindness about war’s true cost. PTSD is the expression of the anguish, dislocation, and rage of the self as it attempts to cope with its loss of innocence, reformulate a new personal identity and cultural role, and awaken from massive denial… We can better understand PTSD as an identity disorder and soul wound rather than a stress and anxiety disorder, as it is presently classified.
Warriors in traditional societies served the need for protection, and all that was done was done in the tribe’s name. They had rituals transferring responsibility for actions during warfare from veterans to the entire culture. Ultimately leaders, not ordinary troops, were held responsible for the results of the battle and the deaths that occurred.
Our veterans cannot heal unless society accepts responsibility for its war making. To the veterans, our leaders and people must say, “You did this in our name, because you were subject to our orders, and because we put you in untenable and even atrocity-producing situations. We lift the burden of your actions from you and take it onto our shoulders. We are responsible for you, for what you did, and for the consequences.”
We cannot heal from war without involving the entire community and society, and without invoking transpersonal help. We must develop modern rituals that acknowledge the additional wounds caused by war fought for non-defense reasons.
When we return to our veterans their silenced voices, when we accept our true responsibility as individuals and communities, we will no longer see war as an adventure or a legitimate tool of power politics.
I began the homily with this reflection:
Today’s Gospel reminds us that we best find and use a solid foundation for our house. I have brought the brick to concretize a “solid foundation.” Today we understand “House” in psychological terms that is the metaphor for the total human person, the self, myself, ourselves. Jesus calls us fools if we do not build our house, ourselves on solid ground. Jesus is saying “We create the solid ground by basing our actions on what Jesus has taught, not culture, media, politicians, not family, not even church.”
The first reading addresses the same theme, set this time in the context of the Hebrew testament-obedience to the law, the Torah. The Jewish people are told to follow the commandments and enjoy a blessing, turn away and be subject to a curse. The people are told not “to follow other gods.”
I argue that the
How is this storm and ruin coming about?
The latest facts concerning our soldiers is that 120
As a nation we can build again on solid ground by accepting what our soldiers have done in our name and joining with them in the process of healing. We will help them choose a blessing not a curse and we shall be healed as persons, communities and a nation.
In our time and place we must choose: either a blessing or a curse. To follow Jesus or be subject to “complete ruin.” Let us choose life! Let us say “Yes to following the Way of Jesus.” Let us build our homes on solid ground.
End of my reflection starter
I asked the folks in the circle to turn to a neighbor and share their reactions/challenges/insights from what they had just heard. I turned to the woman on my right. She was probably in her 40's, teeth and gums in very poor condition but she was clean, with hair straightened. Her hands were misshapen, most likely with arthritis. I'll call her "Mary" to protect her privacy. Mary said, "Your words were so powerful. I didn't know this (about PTSD)" She had raised two nephews both now serving in the Army, one in Iraq his second tour. Mary talked about raising him and how when he was told he was going to Iraq called her and cried, "I am afraid." She told him "Be a man" and my heart broke (I did not tell her about Jason). I offered her support. Mary said when her nephew came home from Iraq he would awake screaming, when she would ask "Why?" he would reply, "I saw so many people be killed. I am okay." My heart broke again. With PTSD he has returned to Iraq.
We all shared our reflections and continued the service. After we stood in a circle, holding hands and saying the "Our Mother, our father..." together, Mary spoke again. "I am terminally ill. I am being placed in hospice this week." Even for our worship community, this was an announcement of some importance. Silence filled the room. Patricia and Mary Kay are both social workers-long time. They began to gently ask probing questions to see if Mary was on the street or had a place. She has a place. When I hugged Mary during the sign of peace, I asked, "Mary would you permit us to pray for you?" She agreed.After communion, Mary stood in the center by our altar table and we each placed our hand on her or on another who was touching her. I began, "Loving God, heal Mary in mind, body and Spirit. We know that you want wholeness for her. May she receive all the support she needs in the coming time." Many others offered prayers for her support and comfort and peace and healing. We told her to come back and worship with us anytime. Mary was thankful for our care and concern for her.
I am so thankful for this Roman Catholic community of worship. It has been a blessing in my life. I have grown so much within this community and by their example of compassion for each other and for the world. Truly when we gather it is Sacred Ground. I felt so deep peace this morning and even yesterday as I prepared the service. The more "I let go and let Godde," the more I am at peace.
I know at the deepest part of my soul that human living is a spiritual journey first. We are each called to take a part in evolving humanity beyond who we are now. I do believe Teilhard de Chardin. We are to evolve into the image of God presented to us in Jesus. It is enough for me to have finally stood up to the emotional/spiritual abuse of Dow's ignorance. I feel that I have completed the task set out for my life.I only pray that my children reach consciousness before they are told like Mary, "It is time for hospice." Lisa is on her way via family life. Jason I think has mountains to climb before he is healed. I hold him in my heart.
After Liturgy:
I had to go to the grocery store to get some food as I needed to make a dish for 3 bean stew to take to a 50th birthday potluck. As I was walking the aisles, I felt the anxiety that I connect with Dow. What a change in the force field/emotional field 30 years of anxiety can do. I thought, "Is Dow or Jason shopping? Am I going to meet them?" I walked into an aisle and there was Sue a neighbor that lives in our condo building. I had presided at her father's funeral earlier this year. We said, "Hello" and then I said, "Sue, I have to ask a personal question, have you seen Jason?" I had not been told but assumed that Jason was living with Dow during his internship in Chicago.
Sue replied, "I have seen Jason a couple of times. Once in a suit (she looked surprised at this) and once "as if he had been out for a hike." Sue had talked to Dow and he told her that the internship in Orlando didn't work out. Dow had asked Jodi, Jason's girlfriend, "Will you take him back?" Jodi replied "Yes" so Dow "let" Jason come. Sue said, "Jason looks good." I was so glad to hear Sue's report even as my heart breaks to have Jason so close yet on the "other side of the moon."
Dow is planning on going to Idaho from 6/6 to 6/15. (I was surprised at this because I thought Lisa and family were going with Dow, but now I don't think so as Lisa did not tell me this. I think she would.) Sadly, that is what attracted me to Dow-his pictures of Idaho. I thought we would move there after being married. Dow never went back until his mother was in a nursing home. I know he went back last year, took the grandkids camping. Not sure what is happening this year.
After our conversation, my "anxiety" or heightened awareness dissipated immediately. I find it very interesting that this "energy field disturbance" takes place and I can feel it. It expands beyond Dow and Jason now to those who interact with them. Consciousness is so much more than what we understand. Or the range of feelings and energy is greater than we understand. I do not know, I only experience it. Sue said, "Stay in touch, I love you." And I felt blessed by her friendship. I told her that Jason and I had not talked. She seemed to know that and offered, "Maybe I will be devil's advocate and ask him if I get the opportunity, "Have you seen your mom while you have been in town? See what he replies."
Part of me thinks that Jason was "brought to Chicago" to "address our relationship" I do not know, I only feel it. I certainly know it is part of his healing process.
Peace everyone
Friday: Fighting for Life-The Movie
I was sick on Friday-either sinus or a cold so I stayed home and drank tea, OJ, water, juice...
I was feeling good enough to head for the showing of Fighting for Life, a movie wherein Jason and I are interviewed while we were at Walter Reed. See CaptJason.blogspot.com, I would say sometime in May of 2006. About 18 folks, 10 RN students from Un. of IL at Chicago (UIC) and their professor were most of the audience.
Everyone really liked the movie and wanted to know "How can we get it on TV? or Shown in Chicago?" I wrote Terry Saunders, the Oscar winning producer who responded:
I was feeling good enough to head for the showing of Fighting for Life, a movie wherein Jason and I are interviewed while we were at Walter Reed. See CaptJason.blogspot.com, I would say sometime in May of 2006. About 18 folks, 10 RN students from Un. of IL at Chicago (UIC) and their professor were most of the audience.
Everyone really liked the movie and wanted to know "How can we get it on TV? or Shown in Chicago?" I wrote Terry Saunders, the Oscar winning producer who responded:
Good to hear from you and hope you're well.
I'm working on getting Fighting For Life into more movie theaters, including Chicago. I'm also working on getting it broadcast nationally early next year.
Please direct people to the website www.fightingforlifethemovie.com which has information when it's available.
The film has gotten wonderful reviews and audience reactions wherever it has played. Check out reviews on the website: www.rottentomatoes.com by typing in the title of the film.
Best,
Terry
I was surprised at seeing myself on the screen, I had first seen the movie in May 2007 at a special preview at the Smithsonian-so a little over a year ago. I haven't changed but my heart felt a tug as I haven't seen Jason in so long. To hear his voice is a blessing. If you live in Chicago and would like to see the movie I have my own personal copy and would be glad to "bring it on over and watch it with you." Long as you serve popcorn. :-)
I was surprised at seeing myself on the screen, I had first seen the movie in May 2007 at a special preview at the Smithsonian-so a little over a year ago. I haven't changed but my heart felt a tug as I haven't seen Jason in so long. To hear his voice is a blessing. If you live in Chicago and would like to see the movie I have my own personal copy and would be glad to "bring it on over and watch it with you." Long as you serve popcorn. :-)
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