August 16, 2008 (an entry from my personal journal)
One very interesting day, today. Really like no other in my 65 years of living. I must admit like most Americans I am ignorant of the Iraqi culture and roles for men and women. Today I met two Iraqi refugees in my neighborhood spending time with both. Totally different experiences with each. How much is culture? How much is the person?
We are in the midst of planning for our 4th Peace conference as Pax Christi at St. Gertrude’s to be held September 20. We have about 50 folks show up from the different parishes and peace groups active in the neighborhood. This year we are planning:
Witness to War: Hope for Reconciliation and Healing
- Clips from Winter Soldier and a presentation by an IVAW
- Speaker from the Iraqi refugees (now being permitted to come to the US and many are being resettled in Chicago.)
- Speaker from an agency that is working to resettle families from Iraq in Chicago
I had met an Iraqi refugee earlier this spring and she had given me her card. When looking for speakers I immediately thought of Mary (I have changed her name to protect her privacy) and called her. She enthusiastically said yes. I knew she had lost both her spouse and son in Iraq, I didn’t know the details until today. Carolyn, myself and Mary three members of our Pax Christi group were present for her introduction.
Mary is 40 years old and an Iraqi Christian. She was living in London with her son Mark(name changed) age 10 and husband Roger (name changed) a MD. In 2007 Roger wanted to go to Iraq to “provide medicine for Mary’s people.” She pleaded with Roger not to go to Iraq. “It is too dangerous.” He took Mark with him. They arrived at the Baghdad airport August 14. Roger and Mark and the American soldier(s) escort were killed by a roadside bomb on their way to the city.
Mary trusted us enough to tell her story. She said she spends her time in work and study and does not share her own journey with many people.
Unbeknowest to us when we met today it was in the anniversary week of their deaths. Mary is devastated by their deaths. Wanting only to help the people of Iraq, her husband and son lost their lives to random violence in war. We met to plan our peace conference. Instead it became a grief support group as we attempted to hold Mary in her great suffering. Some of her sharing:
- Mary continually talks to her spouse and child “as if they were here” She prepares meals for them too. We spent much of our time “normalizing” her feelings of grief and reactions.
- Mary has difficulty accepting they are dead. She feels she will receive a phone call “We are okay.” (a very normal reaction for sudden death)
- Mary was sent to the US by the United Nations as she feared violence from her spouse’s family. They blame her for the deaths, their only son and grandson. Mary has family in Iraq.
- Mary has dedicated her life to helping others to keep the memory of her husband and son alive. “This is why they went to Iraq. I must do the same.”
- She was a lawyer in Iraq. She is studying law here and wants to be a Human Rights lawyer.
- Mary spends much of her time with Iraq refugees attempting to provide for their resettlement as their number increases in Chicago. She is overwhelmed and under resourced for the job. Catholic Charities only provides 3 months of financial assistance and Medicaid the same for health care.
- Mary is excited about speaking at our peace conference. She will be a great resource for the peace and Iraqi community. She has a healthy balance of tears and laughter one year into her grieving/holding her great loss.
- Mary does not want to be “near men nor children. I do not want to be remarried.” (a normal reaction to such great loss. Why get married, have children to suffer loss once again?)
I think we were all drained emotionally and spiritually after hearing her story. She will tell a little of the story at the conference-that which she is comfortable with. Mary will tell many stories of the Iraqi refugees and their needs. She told us of a lawyer and a MD and their struggles. The stories are unbelievable in their sadness and suffering caused by war. These are educated urban refugees looking for work and a new start. Their struggles are overwhelming. Every day Mary hears, “Send me back to Iraq. I will die there where I know the culture and the language.”
For me God keeps putting these opportunities to be of service in my life. I am overwhelmed with the possibilities. My goodness I never thought my 60’s would look like this. The door on marriage is shutting, the door on ministry grows ever wider. And I am a perceiver and making choices is NOT my strong suit! To work with Iraqi refugees for their healing! Unbelievable.
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Let me now juxtapose this experience with my later this morning meeting of another Iraqi refugee-a man named Walter (name changed) age 35, a Sunni Muslim.
After our Pax Christi meeting I headed out to exercise. I work out weekly at the armory about 5 blocks away from my apartment. I had seen this man before but we hadn’t spoken. He looks Middle Eastern. Dark short cut hair and deep brown skin. Brown green-hazel eyes. A body built like a soldier or someone who works out to be strong physically. Dressed in long black shorts and tee shirt, he presents as a man you would not like to mess with.
As usual I struggled with the bicep/tricep machine. Busily talking on his cell phone quite loudly-actually sounded angry, Walter came to me and easily moved the arm of the machine to its up position needed to do tricep work. He laughed and kissed me on the cheek saying multiple times “Mommie.” This action, of course, threw me into “What is going on land?”
He moved away and began working out again. Okay, I thought “Strange but we are in a public space-nobody else in the room-what could happen?” Well I would find out…and here it gets difficult to record because it was too emotional and just “I am a fish out of water or I am in over my head" here experience. So I will write it and you can ponder it.
I thought I should introduce myself to him. I said, “Thanks for the help. My name is Katy.” My name is Walter. “What country are you from?” My intuition was telling me “Iraq” I can’t say why, probably because of the meeting I had just left and events in my life happen like this. “Iraq” was his reply. “Are you a refugee?” “Yes,” He told me of his wife and two children. And that they were from Baghdad. That he was a Sunni and that “They(meaning USA, I assume) had to save me.” Walter said, “I tell people I am Muslim: Shiite is (thumb up) good, Sunni (He puts his finger to his head like a gun)”
Walter says, “I like you. You have fair skin and blue eyes and a nice smile.” He touches my gray hair and smiles! He kisses me on my cheek again. I say, “Would your wife like you to kiss me?” I say “If I were your wife, I would not like it all!” Walter is continually calling me “Mommie, mommie.” He would never stop calling me this during our conversation. It really throws me off, “How is he experiencing me?” I know men in the Middle East kiss each other but as far as I know not men/women in public. Does my being 65 change the rules of physical engagement? Does my being “Mommie” change it?
Walter tells me of his family. One brother is in Syria, one sister in Emirates. One sister at home with his mother who is owner of a number of homes. His mother might come to America in “5 months” but she is “working in Iraq” and might not come.
I tell Walter of Jason’s wounding in Iraq and (I think that might effect our speaking.) I know that my heart is reacting to Walter as if he were my own son. I tell him of my work for peace and what we are trying to do. I learn that he is 35 and tell him my own son Jason is 31, “You are the same age.” He looks as if he does not comprehend what I am saying. He puts his arm around me and says, “I am sorry for you and your son, Mommie.” Walter does not react like I imagined he would. It is a soldier’s response I feel or someone who has experienced a lot of death. He tells me 400 Iraqis die each day, “women, children, men.” He moves his hand as if the bodies are covering the ground. ( I think again “Iraq is suffering the loss of the Twin Towers each week” The estimates of a million Iraqis dead is accurate.)
I begin to weep, “Walter, I am truly sorry for your country and for you.” I tell him that peace is my passion. He holds me once again. We begin to exercise and he explains about core strengthening and touches my stomach as I am doing crunches. This makes me very uncomfortable and I move away. He asks if he will see me and I tell him I work and maybe on the weekend if I come to exercise. I gave him my email and invited him to work with us to help Iraqi refugees. Walter tells me that he needs a job and asks “Do I have one?” I tell him, “Walter, I wish I had a million jobs for you, the refugees and Americans who need them!”
At the end of our encounter he asks me “Do you love me or like me?” I look at him, he asks again. I know this is an important question. I answer honestly, “Walter you are like my son ( I don’t say “my soldier son”), I like you.” He replies, “I love you.” He smiles.
We part and I leave wondering, “What have I just experienced?”
Here I am a 65 year old grandmother of three, in the process of divorce.
Two cultures and two different gender roles/expectations have encountered each other.
Was this a sexual encounter or not?
The hugs were too strong for a man/mother hug, at least in the American culture. But maybe not from the Iraqi one?
Walter continually used the word “Mommie” Was I taking the place of his mother of whom I am sure he is very worried for her safety and the role of oldest son to provide? Walter said nothing of his father (I presume dead either under Saddam or the war)
Was I a sexy American light skinned blue eyed, no matter my age? (my culture says I am old, maybe not his?) Was I safe because I was 65?
Was I sexual because I had my exercise shorts and top on (I am thinking the modesty of Muslim women)?
What an experience of opposites coming after the deep sharing of Mary’s suffering.
Personally I don’t think I really need this kind of experience to learn of the Iraqi culture.
What did I learn?
-The male and female world of encounters is something of which I am totally naïve.
-The intensity of feeling and physical presence in this man was very great. The living in the violence which is Iraq is unimaginable to me and the resulting changes within a person. Of course, this could be who Walter is and nothing to do with Iraq/war/culture/life. (It highlighted the reality of the lack in my relationship with Dow. I did not experience Dow’s presence nor the intensity of his emotional being at this level.)
-Keep the emotional and physical space between a man and woman clarified and in MY comfort zone.
-Don’t meet this man in any place except a public one for my own safety as I don’t know the signals Walter received and how he interprets our encounter.
Would you care to add any other insights? Send me a comment.
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