An Important Insight/lesson into Myself Discovered

I sent a copy of yesterday's blog to my therapist Carolyn. She called me this morning with important feedback and words of wisdom for me. "Why" of Dow's behavior is the wrong question for you to ask." His behavior is illogical and irrational. My response was appropriate, contact the lawyer and let them sort his actions out through legal measures. End of story.

However it is not the end for my question gave me insight to Dow's and my relationship. I always asked myself "why" is Dow doing a, b, or c. I NEVER asked Dow nor demanded a clear concise answer from him on his motives and feelings DRIVING his behavior. For 30 + years I stayed stuck in the neurotic, co-dependent behavior of "IF I know why Dow is doing this, we can address it."

I am here to tell you folks, "It does not work, don't stay stuck in the "why." Address it head on or get out of the relationship. That is what I am doing way, way too late. Dow continues his behaviors.

Now I feel much better, thank you Carolyn, you are a blessing in my life.
Have a great weekend, I am looking forward to relaxing in the 90 degree heat of MN.
I have to carry an umbrella for shade! This 65 year old skin can't take the sun.

Dow's Motto: Don't Get Mad, Get Even

My problem is "I don't know what Dow is mad about and why he feels he must get even?"

I am sure you have read about my entry about how neither Dow nor his lawyer nor the signed documents showed up in court on what I had been told was the day "For the divorce to be finalized by the judge." (See August 14/15 blog entry.)

I got the traumatic shock of my life today. I can say it was my intuition or my guardian angel. I am going off to protest for peace at the RNC in MN. For the last couple of days my intuition has been tugging at my mind, "you need more money for the trip." Now I always check my balance when I use the ATM machine. On the way to my first hospice visit this morning, I almost miss the bank, but I recover and head to the machine. Take out the money and ask for a balance.

When I read it my heart drops, "Whoa, $2500 less than what I thought I had!" Now I don't run million dollar balances, so I immediately begin to panic. I used that money to pay my rent for September and try to pay down some of the godawful balance I have on my Visa card. 18 months of living on $2500 a month has ended up in huge deficits for me.

$%@ I thought what is going on? I call the bank in a panic. I wend my way through a perk voice tree which I am not in any mood for and reach a real person. He makes me do the identification drill and I assume gets my account on the screen. "I need you to speak to another person." He puts me on hold and I sit in my car. &*@$# I was trying to do this on the way to visit another patient. I wait and wait, decide I can do better. Hang up and call back hoping to get another person who may be more user friendly!

A woman's voices takes me through the ID drill again, reaches the same conclusion. I beg her not to put me on hold as I was left "literally hanging" from the last call. She promises she won't but transfers me to a woman who handles returned checks in deposits. Quite nicely, but very firmly, she informs me that the check has been returned because "Dow Scott placed a stop-payment on it. I sent you a notice, didn't you receive it?" (I found it later when I got home at 8PM tonight after a very long day on the road.) I couldn't believe it!! In shock, I ask, "Do you think I should call my lawyer?" She calmly replies, "I think you should do that."

I hang up and sit there reeling, "My rent check is going to bounce, my payments for insurance, utilities everything is going to bounce!" I call my lawyer immediately, Godde is good, as I get a human person instead of VM. I begin shakily, "Scott, Dow stopped payment on my maintenance check!" I break into tears. "I'll call his lawyer."

In a few minutes, Scott calls me back. Dow and his lawyer met last week. Dow informed her that he had stopped the check. To the woman's credit she told Dow she needed a check immediately. He wrote her one for the payment. Ms Avery informed my lawyer today "I have the check I will bring to court." Scott said, "No, my client needs the money NOW." So Dow's lawyer said, "I will put the check in the mail today." (Famous last line you have heard before)

Now we all know that I am going out of town, Monday is a holiday and the law requires that she send the check to my lawyer who is also out of town next week. So I will get the check... your guess. I spend the rest of the day as "basket case Exhibit 2" #1 being on the 14th when they didn't show up.

I go home and head to the computer and the phone to call my Visa account manager to see if I can change the payment scheduled for next week. The very nice woman, who had had a messy divorce herself in the 80's, commiserated with me and walked me through the process of changing the payment and making sure it was registered so that I would not be penalized! Whew! Computers come in handy. I call my sister and cry on her shoulder for awhile. Her comment was a couple of "Why would Dow do that?" "That's weird."

I could only reply, "I am so mad, frustrated, upset I would like to haul his little @$% into court and have him explain to the judge "Why I stopped my wife's maintenance check which the court ordered!" And his lawyer knew she had to fix it because that is what I would have done, without a second's hesitation. Basically with this maneuver Dow broke a legally binding contract.

My lawyer has a mantra which he is repeating quite a lot in our last conversations, "Katy it will soon be over, you won't have to deal with Dow." September 8th in the morning, tentative date for the judge to sign. Every time I talk with Scott, I tell him, "I won't show in court unless everything is in your hands prior to my stepping in that court room." Stay tuned.

While I Wait for a Date "with the judge"-I am off to MN.

August 14th was a no show for Dow's lawyer and required documents before the judge to finalize the settlement. August 15th my lawyer wrote Ms Avery asking her to complete the work she obviously hadn't done and was the reason for her no show on "The final court date."

It is in process. I have gotten a VM from my lawyer saying the possibility of two dates: Sept 4 or Sept 8 both in the morning. (I am hoping for the 8th as the 4th is a work day for me, the 8th is a scheduled day off.) Mr. Gordon also left me a message saying "We need to talk about a couple of things." My ultimatum to him, remember was, "I don't walk into court until you have in hand all documents needed to finalize this settlement." I will not spend anymore money to entertain Ms. Avery's unprofessionalism!

On Friday I travel to the RNC, well at least outside of it :-), to spend time with peace and justice groups who will march in a protest of the policies of this administration and proposed policies of their candidate for office. This will held on Labor Day itself.
Other activities include:

• Saturday 2 PM Potluck to Welcome "Witness Against War" walkers from Voices for Creative Non-Violence who made the pilgrimage from Chicago to St. Paul. They have been walking since July 12 across IL, WI and MN. Kathy Kelly, nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize leads the merry band.
• I may try to get into the IVAW and VFP dinner Saturday night if any seats are open.
  
• Sunday at 10 AM Vets for Peace: Veterans Memorial March
• Sunday at 2 PM Dinner with MFSO members (Military Families Speak Out)
• Sunday at 2 PM A fast and vigil at Sacred Heart Roman Catholic Church sponsored by Veterans for Peace will go on for 24 hours. I may try to attend in the afternoon for a while.
  
• Monday, March against the Policies of the Republican Administration and Congress:
  

1. US out of Iraq NOW.
2. Money for human needs, not for war
3. Say no to the Republican agenda
4. Demand Peace, Justice and Equality
   

Rally is at 11 AM, March at 1 PM and closing rally at 6 PM. This should be a very interesting day as the weather is supposed to be close to 90 degrees! Sun hat and sunscreen definitely needed! Oh and every policeman/woman in St. Paul now has his/her own tazer, got them just in time for the march.

While in St. Paul I will stay with retired Air Force Col. Martha Turner and her husband Chuck. She is a very dear friend who provided wonderful care to Jason when he was at Walter Reed and opened up her heart to him and to myself. I am forever in her debt. Martha is one of the rocks who held my life and soul together in the darkest days of my life. It will be good to see her again as the last time I saw her was over 2 years ago.

So everyone have a wonderful Labor Day weekend, summer flew past didn't it?
Now we are into the serious political season. Everyone, have a wonderful holiday.

A "Name" Change

I had the strangest experience yesterday. I am a hospice chaplain and make visits to folks at home, in nursing homes where ever they might be. As a record of my visit I write out a Spiritual Care Visit Note and sign it. One copy for the medical facility, one copy for the office. They must be signed by me and verified by a person on site. Over my 6 years as a chaplain/spiritual care coordinator, I have signed 1000's of them as I visit about 15-20 folks a week in my three days of ministry.

As the day went on, I wrote about 7 notes yesterday, I began to look at my signature: Catherine M. Scott, MPS, SCC. I felt, "Who is CMS?" This signature is no longer mine. It is as if the identity once known as Catherine M. Scott, which I have written for over 32 years is no more. I thought, "Why am I writing this strange/foreign name?" I have really disconnected from this identity, my legal name. I thought "What strange evidence that the divorce has already been finalized, no matter what the day the judge signs the paper."

I have been divorced before but kept the last name because Lisa was a young child and they said it makes it easier for schools, medical, etc. This time I really want my "own name" back. I want to dissociate myself from the destructive relationship Dow's and my marriage was. What I think has occurred is that the emotional "hook" of the relationship is lessening in power. I do not feel I need to be married, in fact I never want to be married again and can't even begin to imagine a male/female relationship. I have no desire ever to enter into such a relationship; that was destroyed by this "marriage."

A Random Act of Kindness

Yesterday driving home I decided to "cut through a sub" to get to Golf Rd, the main road I take to home when I get to Skokie. I headed east on the road. The problem is I have a GPS built into the Prius. So I was focusing on the GPS "telling me where to go" and didn't stop at a stop sign!

Wouldn't you know it, a police car was sitting on the cross road. I looked over and here he comes! Drat! I pull over and this "stereotypical (lots and lots of Dunkin donuts eaten, if you get the drift.)" policeman gets out of the car.

"License and auto insurance" he says to me. He is about mid 30's, 5'10 inches, white. So I think "This guy could be my son."

"When did you get your last ticket?" I thought "This is a novel approach, like I would tell him the truth?" So I tell him the truth, "Haven't got a ticket since I moved to IL 12 years ago!" So I guess it works. I go on, "To be honest, I think I was watching my GPS cause I was lost and missed the stop sign." I figure go for all the truth, why not? He replies, "Just like everybody else, cutting through to get to Golf. " I think, "You got me there!" He knows the routine, now I know why he has the stakeout where he was!

"I could give you a $300 ticket for not stopping." I choke, just what I need when I am $10 grand in debt. "You must stop at stop signs. Don't do it again." I figure he thinks, "I can't give this old lady a ticket, it would be like ticketing my own mother." So maybe being 65 has its advantages, when you run stop signs on the way home and the policeman is young enough to be your son!

Which leads me to a story when Jason was learning how to drive. We lived in Blacksburg VA and he was behind the wheel. We were at an intersection on Main and Jason needed to make a left turn. He hesitates, "it is okay Jason, make the turn." Jason looks sheepish and makes the turn. Sure enough we get pulled over by a cop, I swear not much older than Jason!

He gets out comes over, looks at Jason's license and sees he's learning. "You know you can't turn on the orange. It does mean stop." Jason, upset, replies, "My mother told me to turn." I look, "Jason is telling the truth, I did tell him to turn. I thought you could on an orange light. " "No mam you cannot turn!" says the youngest policeman ever.

Then the punch line, he tells Jason, "Always do what your mother says, EXCEPT when you are driving!" Makes me laugh as I type and it happened over 15 years ago. So, I have fond memories of that policeman and hope he is doing well. I will add the one I encountered yesterday and thank God for Random Acts of Kindness.

When I left the police stop yesterday, I burst into tears. My life has been hell and a stranger's kindness reduces me to tears of thankfulness. Blessings.

While I Wait for a New Court Date

Two weekends ago I was in Lexington KY to participate in an ordination of friend as a Roman Catholic Woman Priest. See RCWP.org for the organization. The Sunday after the ordination of Janice, one of the woman had heard from a drummer at the ordination that a group met weekly at 6PM to Drum for Peace. So off we went to a park. Janice and I gave the drums a try. I had never seen a drum circle like this one.

A woman sexually dressed (pretty much showing her breasts and belly) "belly danced" to the drums. Another carried burning balls on the end of chains. Another woman used the streamer at the end of a stick (like they do in the Olympics) All this was free flowing, in and out of the circle. It was fun but because of the arthritis in my hands I could not beat the drums too long. The folks who organize it said that sometimes up to 200 folks come out to listen, dance, drum. What a very neat way to spend a summer evening.

Then the court disaster on Thursday.

What is surprising is what happened on this past Sunday. The local Catholic Worker House was going to take a ride on the "L" having a "L table" instead of their monthly round table discussion of a peace and justice topic. No one had prepared any kind of data on mass transportation. I also found out that it was to get everyone into the cool air conditioned train car as the CWH doesn't have air. They had packed a dinner of grilled cheese sandwiches and Pecan Sandie cookies, small ones with some kind of icing in the middle. We shared them with the other riders on the train, most everyone said, "Thanks" and took a couple.

We also read a flyer that had been given out all weekend at the Air & Water show which millions come to Chicago to see. Being from the CWH, the flyer is anti military recruitment which is what the A&W is: a glorification of all things military. So our trip on the red/brown line around the loop only took an hour. One of the men was lobbying for us to go out to the burbs. When we were done, I agreed with him as our ride was "too short."

When we returned to the house, most of the folks decided to stay there. However, Erin invited me to go to...a drum circle! I couldn't believe it! It seems that a group of drummers meets on the Lake Shore across from Argyle (if you know Chicago) on each full moon from May to October. Being Chicago the circle was much larger and the "flaming" entertainment was much more, more...flaming.

I would say over the course of the hour that Erin and I were there, about 20 different folks used the flaming torches (I don't know what to call them. See Spunn.com on the web.) The torches on a chain come in all different versions. One was a large hula loop with about 8 torches mounted on it. A woman used that one. Flames at the end of chains, one in each hand. Flames at the end of battens, some 2 feet long, some 6 feet. Flames in a sheet, one for each hand (I really don't know what that looked like not burning) but it looked as if he was twirling ribbons of flame. One man had a bola about 6 feet long and he threw it up in the air and caught it. People used them as the rolled on the ground. Even had a couple of women dressed in belly dancing costumes. All the spangles sparkled in the fire's reflection. It was amazing! Even had a flame swallower. They use tiki torch oil. (Yech it would make me retch if I tried it). One of the men said, "The ball is made of Kevlar!" yup the same stuff used in body armor, then soaked in a fireant. They light the torches with a small blowtorch. Not for the faint hearted. Every Thursday night they have practice! So join them if you are so inclined!

Beside the drums the Chicago group also had, I am sure, an improvisation of instruments who sort just played to the beat of the drums!

I thought this is one show I am not taking pictures of for the grand kids. I am sure they would "jump on the idea!" They are boys heading for 12 and 11.

I had a call into my lawyer-gone this week. Caught him for minute. "Can't I file a complaint?" Gordon "It is not worth it, it would be lawyer against lawyer argument" at this moment. "Let's get the divorce finished." I thought "Good idea, why did it take you so long to think of it?" Gordon makes more in one hour than I do in a full day of being a chaplain for hospice. He did promise the name/address of the IL Bar Assoc. so I can file a report on her unprofessional behavior. I also want to send a copy to the judge we go before, Delgado is his name.

I thought "My marriage was emotional and spiritual chaos, why should it end in an orderly fashion?" I do believe Dow chose a lawyer like himself, therefore, all kind of acting out especially passive-aggressive behavior. I got my 2nd maintenance check today of 120 total. I am trying to pay down the credit card debt. I hope to be able to pay about $3000 on it this month. Then I will pay the lawyer, actually he takes his money off the top before I get my settlement check from Dow. Then I have to put away dollars to pay the taxes on the monthly check as it is pre-tax for Dow which really upsets me.

During therapy this month I was fighting "the creature of ignorance" again during a guided meditation. It is from a dream I had about 6 years ago. Mine and Dow's ignorance is at the core of our relationship. So ignorant we were of hidden feelings and hidden motives that our son almost lost his life.

I must work on freeing myself from this battle. I thought I had when I filed for divorce but obviously the image/energy is still active. I told Jason and Dow at bedside while Jason was at Walter Reed that "I want peace." I need peace both in my inner and outer life. Much healing work still needs to be done. Pray for each of us, I will pray for you.

Meet an Iraqi Woman. Meet an Iraqi Man: The Human Cost of War

August 16, 2008 (an entry from my personal journal)

One very interesting day, today. Really like no other in my 65 years of living. I must admit like most Americans I am ignorant of the Iraqi culture and roles for men and women. Today I met two Iraqi refugees in my neighborhood spending time with both. Totally different experiences with each. How much is culture? How much is the person?

We are in the midst of planning for our 4^th Peace conference as Pax Christi at St. Gertrude’s to be held September 20. We have about 50 folks show up from the different parishes and peace groups active in the neighborhood. This year we are planning:

Witness to War: Hope for Reconciliation and Healing

• Clips from Winter Soldier and a presentation by an IVAW
• Speaker from the Iraqi refugees (now being permitted to come to the US and many are being resettled in Chicago.)
• Speaker from an agency that is working to resettle families from Iraq in Chicago
  

I had met an Iraqi refugee earlier this spring and she had given me her card. When looking for speakers I immediately thought of Mary (I have changed her name to protect her privacy) and called her. She enthusiastically said yes. I knew she had lost both her spouse and son in Iraq, I didn’t know the details until today. Carolyn, myself and Mary three members of our Pax Christi group were present for her introduction.

Mary is 40 years old and an Iraqi Christian. She was living in London with her son Mark(name changed) age 10 and husband Roger (name changed) a MD. In 2007 Roger wanted to go to Iraq to “provide medicine for Mary’s people.” She pleaded with Roger not to go to Iraq. “It is too dangerous.” He took Mark with him. They arrived at the Baghdad airport August 14. Roger and Mark and the American soldier(s) escort were killed by a roadside bomb on their way to the city.

Mary trusted us enough to tell her story. She said she spends her time in work and study and does not share her own journey with many people.

Unbeknowest to us when we met today it was in the anniversary week of their deaths. Mary is devastated by their deaths. Wanting only to help the people of Iraq, her husband and son lost their lives to random violence in war. We met to plan our peace conference. Instead it became a grief support group as we attempted to hold Mary in her great suffering. Some of her sharing:

• Mary continually talks to her spouse and child “as if they were here” She prepares meals for them too. We spent much of our time “normalizing” her feelings of grief and reactions.
• Mary has difficulty accepting they are dead. She feels she will receive a phone call “We are okay.” (a very normal reaction for sudden death)
• Mary was sent to the US by the United Nations as she feared violence from her spouse’s family. They blame her for the deaths, their only son and grandson. Mary has family in Iraq.
• Mary has dedicated her life to helping others to keep the memory of her husband and son alive. “This is why they went to Iraq. I must do the same.”
• She was a lawyer in Iraq. She is studying law here and wants to be a Human Rights lawyer.
• Mary spends much of her time with Iraq refugees attempting to provide for their resettlement as their number increases in Chicago. She is overwhelmed and under resourced for the job. Catholic Charities only provides 3 months of financial assistance and Medicaid the same for health care.
• Mary is excited about speaking at our peace conference. She will be a great resource for the peace and Iraqi community. She has a healthy balance of tears and laughter one year into her grieving/holding her great loss.
• Mary does not want to be “near men nor children. I do not want to be remarried.” (a normal reaction to such great loss. Why get married, have children to suffer loss once again?)

I think we were all drained emotionally and spiritually after hearing her story. She will tell a little of the story at the conference-that which she is comfortable with. Mary will tell many stories of the Iraqi refugees and their needs. She told us of a lawyer and a MD and their struggles. The stories are unbelievable in their sadness and suffering caused by war.

These are educated urban refugees looking for work and a new start. Their struggles are overwhelming. Every day Mary hears, “Send me back to Iraq. I will die there where I know the culture and the language.”

For me God keeps putting these opportunities to be of service in my life. I am overwhelmed with the possibilities. My goodness I never thought my 60’s would look like this. The door on marriage is shutting, the door on ministry grows ever wider. And I am a perceiver and making choices is NOT my strong suit! To work with Iraqi refugees for their healing! Unbelievable.

______________________

Let me now juxtapose this experience with my later this morning meeting of another Iraqi refugee-a man named Walter (name changed) age 35, a Sunni Muslim.

After our Pax Christi meeting I headed out to exercise. I work out weekly at the armory about 5 blocks away from my apartment. I had seen this man before but we hadn’t spoken. He looks Middle Eastern. Dark short cut hair and deep brown skin. Brown green-hazel eyes. A body built like a soldier or someone who works out to be strong physically. Dressed in long black shorts and tee shirt, he presents as a man you would not like to mess with.

As usual I struggled with the bicep/tricep machine. Busily talking on his cell phone quite loudly-actually sounded angry, Walter came to me and easily moved the arm of the machine to its up position needed to do tricep work. He laughed and kissed me on the cheek saying multiple times “Mommie.” This action, of course, threw me into “What is going on land?”

He moved away and began working out again. Okay, I thought “Strange but we are in a public space-nobody else in the room-what could happen?” Well I would find out…and here it gets difficult to record because it was too emotional and just “I am a fish out of water or I am in over my head" here experience. So I will write it and you can ponder it.

I thought I should introduce myself to him. I said, “Thanks for the help. My name is Katy.” My name is Walter. “What country are you from?” My intuition was telling me “Iraq” I can’t say why, probably because of the meeting I had just left and events in my life happen like this. “Iraq” was his reply. “Are you a refugee?” “Yes,” He told me of his wife and two children. And that they were from Baghdad. That he was a Sunni and that “They(meaning USA, I assume) had to save me.” Walter said, “I tell people I am Muslim: Shiite is (thumb up) good, Sunni (He puts his finger to his head like a gun)”

Walter says, “I like you. You have fair skin and blue eyes and a nice smile.” He touches my gray hair and smiles! He kisses me on my cheek again. I say, “Would your wife like you to kiss me?” I say “If I were your wife, I would not like it all!” Walter is continually calling me “Mommie, mommie.” He would never stop calling me this during our conversation. It really throws me off, “How is he experiencing me?” I know men in the Middle East kiss each other but as far as I know not men/women in public. Does my being 65 change the rules of physical engagement? Does my being “Mommie” change it?

Walter tells me of his family. One brother is in Syria, one sister in Emirates. One sister at home with his mother who is owner of a number of homes. His mother might come to America in “5 months” but she is “working in Iraq” and might not come.

I tell Walter of Jason’s wounding in Iraq and (I think that might effect our speaking.) I know that my heart is reacting to Walter as if he were my own son. I tell him of my work for peace and what we are trying to do. I learn that he is 35 and tell him my own son Jason is 31, “You are the same age.” He looks as if he does not comprehend what I am saying. He puts his arm around me and says, “I am sorry for you and your son, Mommie.” Walter does not react like I imagined he would. It is a soldier’s response I feel or someone who has experienced a lot of death. He tells me 400 Iraqis die each day, “women, children, men.” He moves his hand as if the bodies are covering the ground. ( I think again “Iraq is suffering the loss of the Twin Towers each week” The estimates of a million Iraqis dead is accurate.)

I begin to weep, “Walter, I am truly sorry for your country and for you.” I tell him that peace is my passion. He holds me once again. We begin to exercise and he explains about core strengthening and touches my stomach as I am doing crunches. This makes me very uncomfortable and I move away. He asks if he will see me and I tell him I work and maybe on the weekend if I come to exercise. I gave him my email and invited him to work with us to help Iraqi refugees. Walter tells me that he needs a job and asks “Do I have one?” I tell him, “Walter, I wish I had a million jobs for you, the refugees and Americans who need them!”

At the end of our encounter he asks me “Do you love me or like me?” I look at him, he asks again. I know this is an important question. I answer honestly, “Walter you are like my son ( I don’t say “my soldier son”), I like you.” He replies, “I love you.” He smiles.

We part and I leave wondering, “What have I just experienced?”
Here I am a 65 year old grandmother of three, in the process of divorce.
Two cultures and two different gender roles/expectations have encountered each other.
Was this a sexual encounter or not?
The hugs were too strong for a man/mother hug, at least in the American culture. But maybe not from the Iraqi one?
Walter continually used the word “Mommie” Was I taking the place of his mother of whom I am sure he is very worried for her safety and the role of oldest son to provide? Walter said nothing of his father (I presume dead either under Saddam or the war)
Was I a sexy American light skinned blue eyed, no matter my age? (my culture says I am old, maybe not his?) Was I safe because I was 65?
Was I sexual because I had my exercise shorts and top on (I am thinking the modesty of Muslim women)?

What an experience of opposites coming after the deep sharing of Mary’s suffering.
Personally I don’t think I really need this kind of experience to learn of the Iraqi culture.

What did I learn?

-The male and female world of encounters is something of which I am totally naïve.

-The intensity of feeling and physical presence in this man was very great. The living in the violence which is Iraq is unimaginable to me and the resulting changes within a person. Of course, this could be who Walter is and nothing to do with Iraq/war/culture/life. (It highlighted the reality of the lack in my relationship with Dow. I did not experience Dow’s presence nor the intensity of his emotional being at this level.)

-Keep the emotional and physical space between a man and woman clarified and in MY comfort zone.

-Don’t meet this man in any place except a public one for my own safety as I don’t know the signals Walter received and how he interprets our encounter.

Would you care to add any other insights? Send me a comment.

Today the Divorce? Not so Fast

This is an email I sent to my friends and family:

Dear Family
I ask that you keep me in your thoughts and prayers.
Pray for strength, courage and wisdom for me.

Today the Judge was to grant me a divorce from my marriage of 32 years.
The divorce has been in process for almost 2 years.
I am deeply in debt from the process to lawyer and credit card.

Dow returned from Australia this past Monday.
My lawyer called Dow’s lawyer this week and was assured “all was well and papers prepared.”

Esq Gordon and I arrived at the court in the Daley Center in downtown Chicago at promptly 9AM. Neither Dow’s lawyer, Dow nor documents were present. Another lawyer from Dow’s lawyer’s office was present. She knew absolutely nothing about the court date today. She contacted Dow’s lawyer who messengered the documents over. They probably arrived by 9:30.

However, we were informed that Dow did not agree to the terms of the settlement. He is requiring updated information on the retirement accounts. The lawyer from Dow’s office talked to his lawyer. I don’t think that my lawyer ever talked to her. We waited, and waited. Finally about 10:45 my lawyer dismissed me saying, “We must provide the documents as requested by Dow.”

No date has been set for the next appointment with the judge.

I feel as crushed, abused, emotionally and spiritually battered as I did when I walked into Walter Reed almost 3 years ago. I am powerless and a non-entity, just like at Walter Reed. I lost a day’s ministry because there is no way I can offer support to hospice patients and their families today.
Katy with a heavy heart and many tears

This is the email that I sent to my lawyer after I thought about this horrifying experience:

Katy I am so very sorry! My heart goes out to you. I think before the next court date your lawyer needs to call Dow's lawyer to make sure you are both on the same page as far as court date & time & documents needed to proceed.

Scott (my lawyer's name),
This is from a friend of mine who went through a divorce. I refuse to go to court again unless you have in hand all documents, etc. signed. She can have them delivered to you the day before court.

I spent your fees today and lost a day's work because of the morning's emotional toll on me. Solely because of Dow's behavior and his lawyer's complicity in his behavior. She didn’t even have the decency to call you last night and tell you Dow’s demands so we could cancel this morning. Can you bill Dow for your fees and my lost wages?

I see no reason for either of us to encourage a repeat of Dow's abuse of either you or I. We need to stop his out of control behavior. That is why I am getting a divorce to end my participation in it.
Katy

I Began to Work on Closure of 35 Years of Relationship with Dow

Well I fussed and fidgeted and did some more paperwork, but this evening my living room has about 6 boxes with family names on them and 1 to give to the Salvation Army. I opened up the first of 4 boxes of ornaments to distribute them amongst the family.

I had not decorated a tree in 12 Christmases. I am surprised that many are still in good condition after spending those years in boxes in the condo basement storage area. Hot, cold, damp, dry all kinds of conditions not the best for glass or glue.

What surprised me was that I could not remember the ornaments, of course, I am working with a box of regular, fill in the branches kind. I have boxes of special ones to open and divide. I didn't realize how many I had that are not made of glass. They are fun objects and shapes and sizes. I will distribute especially to those family members with younger children. I will try to list some of my treasures as I find them once again.

I downloaded the form Dow must sign to give me the Prius. Had to spend $700 for new front brakes and tire alignment. Chicago and the burb roads are full of pot holes. It is a wonderful car still regularly getting 45+ miles even as I drive slowly on the traffic jammed roads that make up "Chicago auto paths" or should I say "parking lots" especially on the Edens.

My Computer has been Down!

Haven't been able to post all week. Norton Security let me down and I wound up with all kinds of viruses till Norton said, "Go Save Mode" So off to computer repair the old machine went. It is a 10 year old Dell and I was panicked. I hadn't backed up since April 08. I thought, "I am sure a virus ate my computer!" However, I was very, very lucky but I just got my computer back at 11:30 PM last night!

So the computer whiz said, "Get rid of Norton, use Avast instead." He installed the anti-virus so I will see what it will do. It is free. Kris feels that Norton slows down the machine. He thought my computer would last up to 5 years but "it's already ancient as computers go-it is 8 years old" I use Windows 98 which will be defunct 1/09.

Today was very interesting.
1. I presided at my RC faith community. The Gospel is Jesus feeding the 5000. I talked about my sister's upcoming hip replacement surgery on Tuesday. Just got off the phone with her and she will have a plastic cup for the new ceramic head of her femur. The surgeon told her they are doing it because she is "active-dancing and hiking." Not using metal that is. So Connie needs to be fed spiritually and emotionally as she prepares for this surgery. She is a 5 year breast cancer survivor. Keep her and her complete, easy recovery in your thoughts and prayers.

2. Later in the afternoon I attended a meditation circle hosted by a friend who visited Brazil earlier this year. She has had back problems all of her life. The healer is named John of God and channels St. Ignatius Loyola as a healer. She saw him perform both emotional and physical surgery not using any instruments. She experienced improvement during her two week stay and continues to hold the healing.

The meditation includes prayer about every 20 minutes for an hour. Soft music plays in the background. The state to achieve is one of thanksgiving, gratitude, including the healing that you might be seeking. I prayed for Connie and also my friend Janice who will be ordained as a RC Womanpriest this Saturday in Lexington KY. I will read the Gospel at her ordination. She has lived the priestly ministry working for women's ordination and peacemaking, serving three months in Federal prison for committing civil resistance at Ft. Benning GA.

During the meditation, I at one point looked at my watch and it was 6:05, I "awoke" by a gentle touch at 6:25. I did not experience myself as sleeping but as in a "quiet reflective zone" aware of my surroundings yet in this very peaceful state within myself. It was a blessing as that is what I came to seek.

Preparing emotionally and spiritually for the final court date of 8/14 has me unquiet inside. On the surface I look/feel fine, yet I know I am experiencing deep emotional loss over how I have lived my life. I seek healing for my wounds, faults, my ignorance, my inability to find the truth earlier in life. I seek forgiveness for the hurts I have caused others especially Jason. I have not made any headway in cleaning the apartment-pictures or Christmas items. I feel as if I am "hanging," suspended. Only 10 more days in this limbo and then it will be over. I am relieved.

Janice's ordination takes place this weekend and I will stay and "Look over Lexington" as a possible place to live. I need to see cost of living versus Chicago and Senior services. And most importantly Janice's plan for the future. What is she going to do? Will she be open to having an inclusive faith community and working for peace? Will Janice and Bob move? I need to find out.
I really like Chicago it has so much to offer, I hate to leave. The situation will have to be really good. For me the challenge of Lexington is how do I get to an airport to get to Tampa to see the grandkids? Looking at the map it is not too bad a drive to reach the Detroit area, probably not much more than from Chicago-about 6 hours. I am hoping to be able to catch a train out of maybe Cincinnati and I wouldn't need to drive all the way to Detroit. I am hoping that is a possibility. Chicago has access to planes and trains which I love.

Everyone have a great week.