Thursday, August 14-A Tentative Court Date

After 1 1/2 years of divorce process struggle, my lawyer called late this afternoon and informed me that a court date will be set tomorrow with the August 14 date available.

As usual Dow comes out ahead. He is off for the summer and professors are on a flex schedule, I must take time off from work. So I will lose a half day's pay at least. The court is in downtown Chicago and I work in Palatine for the IDT meeting that is held on Thursday. I may not make it to work that day at all, it depends on the time of the judge's availability. Dow doesn't have to appear but I do. Again Dow gets off without energy expended. As usual I show up to take responsibility as I did throughout our marriage. What a way to waste 32 years of one's life. Don't do it! Fight for your values and your faith and most importantly your feelings. These all are the core experience of being human, of being alive.

However, I could not believe it, but I must; Dow finessed Jason into signing off the time-shares something I had tried to have Jason do for 2 years. When Jason said he didn't want one of the time-shares, I asked him to sign off, sent papers but, of course, being as passive/aggressive as his father, I got no action nor comment. They are both emotional stone walls-except for anger.
Feelings so repressed, ignored, denied; both are unconscious of the experience of being human, that is owning and feeling and expressing emotions. Of course I was part of the problem as I held my own feelings in "to be a good Catholic Christian wife and mother."

I am both excited and sad as the day approaches.
Soon being single at age 65 1/2 will be my reality.
I know what I face, falling financial stability and changing life circumstances.
Yet, I trust in Godde as I always have done.
I know Godde and I will make a path where there has been none.
Doors will open where there is no door.

I have learned my lesson of life. I must take action if the emotional situation is hurting me. Doing nothing is deadly-it almost cost Jason his life and myself horrible emotional and spiritual suffering for over 30 years. Some days I can't believe that I am still standing. I consider it a miracle.

Rest in peace this night.
It is soon to be over. It is enough.