Happy and Sad (Kali and Wholeness)

Had a nice phone visit with my daughter Lisa (lives in Fl) this morning.

My heart is happy for Lisa and Jason (my estranged son.) They will meet this Thursday in Orlando while Jason is visiting his fiance Jodi who is going to school there. Lisa talked about the beautiful blue diamond ring Jason gave Jodi for their engagement on July 4. Jodi did not want a solitaire diamond so I understand it has other stones around it. I am sad because I am excluded from a happy, joyous time in Jason's and Jodi's lives.

My last memories of being with Jason are all of the pain and suffering at Walter Reed and from his wounds of war. I cry even today as I remember how alone and abandoned I felt as I sat for 12 hours (was told the surgery would be 5 hours) as the surgeons rebuilt the right side of Jason's face. Each minute was an hour. I sat in terror and fear as I knew Jason's body was so very seriously injured that he might die on the operating table, under anesthesia for so long. One of my many such experiences at Walter Reed. (See Captjason.blogspot.com, begin reading Oct 2005, when Jason arrived at Walter Reed.)

After we hung up I began to reflect on Kali-the Hindu Goddess who is the best metaphor for the great powers/mystery of creation. Kali has skulls for a necklace and represents "Mother who gives and takes life" My therapist had invited me to reflect on the Black Madonna images or the dark side (shadow for Jung) of the feminine psyche while I was in therapy a number of years ago. I was always seeking the light. I felt that the clerical patriarchy of the RC church and Dow were the dark/shadow side of life.

I think what Dr Cwik was trying to get me to understand was this duality of creation. The forces of creation and destruction are within each of us. Christianity has separated these aspects of Godness/qualities of God. "Creation is of God" "Destruction is the devil" (an individual projects the devil onto the "other" whoever she/he/they may be). "I am not evil/destructive-she/he/they are evil" is our human stance supported by the values of church/culture/media/family, etc.

I projected my shadow/woundedness/brokenness (evil) onto Dow. I knew I was broken/limited/wounded however I was unconscious as to how the dark force was being lived within my/our relationship. It could not be healed as Dow does not believe in the spiritual or emotional experiences of human life. Therefore, we lived a hurtful emotional pattern of being in relationships.

So let us get back to Kali. She is the author of life and the destroyer of life. No duality permitted within the Godhead for Hindus. As God in human form in the world, we are each daughter and son expressions of the living God or the Force which is life. We each must own our behaviors both life-giving and life-taking. Or else I/we get in trouble from our projections-all the way to going to war and destroying nations.

Jason went to war and was wounded seriously. I warred with Dow in my marriage all done unconsciously. Dow and I continued the wounding of each other (wounds created in our own childhood) and all with whom we interacted especially our children. Our emotional life was a battleground. The struggle was a universal one being played out as it is in all humans: Choose life or death. We do it every second of our lives through every decision we make and through every interaction with another/other.

So today I say "I am Kali" life bearer and life taker. First I must give life to my very self expression of being a daughter of Godde, life giver, nurturer, one who enjoys and take delight in the beauty of creation.

I am life-taker, that is I confronted Dow in marriage counseling and when he said, "Feelings are bullshit" I agreed to divorce pushed/pulled Dow into this emotional process of delinking. Now on August 14 the legal and emotional relationship "this is why people leave their parents and become bonded to one another, and the two become one flesh"* will be severed into halves-male and female, individuals separate and distinct. The true/real boundaries of our individuality returned after 32 years of co-dependency and emotional/spiritual battle. The relationship will be acknowledged as being destroyed/dead/over. Kali's force has done her work of destruction. The story does not end with death. (The truth of the Christian story ending in resurrection and new life)

Now Kali is a human metaphor for the Circle of Life. Once destruction has taken place something new will grow. If I listen to Godde's promptings within my own heart/soul/emotions, what will grow is Godde's plan for my life. Even as I approach 66 years of age, I know the work of growth that I am involved in is eternal for time does not exist in the spiritual/emotional realm-the unconscious whether that be my own or the collective-in Christianity named the Kindom of Godde. Or as many teachers call Nirvana, paradise, heaven or any other metaphor for human wholeness of spiritual and psychological being.

My prayer is that Jason chooses life for himself and Jodi after undergoing "death and destruction caused by war" not only in Iraq but from his childhood. Join me in praying for many blessings in their lives from now till they part through death.

This day reminds me of the reading from Ecclesiastes and I offer it as a prayer for Jason and Jodi:

There is a time for everything,
a season for every purpose under heaven:
a season to be born and a season to die;
a season to hurt and a season to heal;
a season to mourn and a season to dance;*

May their engagement be a "season to dance." Amen.

One of the lessons I have learned is my human experience will contain all "the seasons." It is a gift of life to grow on, to gain wisdom from. All is blessing. May your life be rich in such blessings so you may grow completing your emotional and spiritual wholeness of who you are uniquely called to be.

(*Readings from Genesis 2:22-24 and Ecclesiastes 3:1-4)