"It is OVER. What will happen next? How well will I be financially? How long will my health remain good so I can be active?" I have butterflies but they are because of the excitement of the changes in my life to come. I am not anxious but filled with patient expectation for the future. I do not fear it but know that I am held by Godde/the universe.
Our marriage, a tragic mistake for each of us will be acknowledge publicly. We were so wounded we could not love each other or our children. Neither of us left because our relationship and its dynamic was all unconscious. We did not support our children, especially Jason. We did not teach our children to feel authentic feelings and to express them. We did not build their identity, self-esteem or teach them skills for good decision making. All our decisions were based on unconscious patterns of interaction and relationships
I became neurotic, depressed, angry, fearful, anxious. Dow is unable to experience his feelings or to express them. He does express anger. When after 32 years, I forced the issue of feelings during our joint marriage counseling prior to our mutual decision to divorce, Dow replied, "Bull-----, bull----." I knew hope for change in our relationship was over. I filed for divorce. Now the State will declare 32 years of financial, marital, emotional relationship null and void. Dow is free to marry again. I believe he will as he was married when we met in graduate school.
I am in therapy with a Social worker and had a session with Carolyn for the first time in about 2 months. I want to try to present the session. Carolyn works with a "guided therapy" technique.
I wanted to work with the sorrow I experience because Jason did not contact me while he lived 5 minutes away for two months in Chicago. He returned to FL 6/27.
I shared the following dream with Carolyn. I knew that Jason was gone and that I would not hear from him before I went to CR.
July 2, 2008
I am in the condo. But it is not the condo. The hallway with the 3 bedroom doors and the bathroom door are gone. The right side where doors were is now a wall of white plaster. In reality the hall leads to the front room. In the dream the hall ends in a wall. So it is like a “tunnel.” There are no windows in the hall but it is filled with a soft light.
Dow’s office door is open. The only door to the right in the hall. (In the condo this is the room right before the living room. There is no wood in sight when the actual room is filled with crown molding, etc. Wooden desk, bookcases, computer desk , etc. It does have windows, it does not have a fireplace.)
The room like the hall is a soft white. I walk into the room and it has a long couch to my immediate right. I am standing at its back. Jason is lying on the couch. He lifts his head up to look at me over the back of the couch, “
I wake up. I feel at peace.
Katy: I find myself on the ranch in Costa Rica (I have just returned from vacation) overlooking a bay that leads to the Pacific Ocean. It is all green except the bay which is gray about a 1000' away and down a slope from where I stand.
C: Where in your body do you feel the sorrow of the loss of your relationship to Jason?
(We discussed Jodi informing of their engagement and my feeling of probably not being invited to the wedding as things stand now)
K: After thinking, "In my legs, they feel so heavy."
C: Go back to a time when you first felt your legs to be heavy.
K: after thinking, "I have not felt this way before."
C: What does the heaviness feel like? or is there an image?
K: after thinking, "I have an image of dresser drawers. The heaviness is in the drawers."
C: What does it look like?
K: It doesn't look, it is heavy space.
C: Can you take the drawers and place them out side of yourself?
K: Yes, they are stacked in front of me. (The drawers are from the two dressers I have in my bedroom)
C: Can you release the heaviness from the drawers?
K: Yes, it looks like a little tornado, a cyclone being released from the drawers, going up.
C: How do you feel?
K: My legs feel much lighter now. I take the brown from the dressers and wash myself with the color. I feel connected to the earth.
I wanted to work with the divorce court date, after the judge has signed the papers. At this time I think it will be done while Dow is in Australia so I will be alone in the court. Dow is not required to come, only his lawyer.
C: Find yourself in a safe place.
K: I am in Daley Plaza after the divorce papers are signed.
C: How do you feel?
K: Happy, relieved, a little scared of what my unknown future holds. I am wearing a brightly colored dress, the sky is blue with no clouds and the sun is shining. I am alone amongst the busy people crossing the plaza.
C: Do you want to put a frame around yourself in the scene?
K: Yes, I do but how can I do that as I am walking away from the court?
C: Just think of the frames/pictures in Harry Potter.
K: (That works for me.) I frame the scene in one of the ornate frames from HP.
C: What is the color?
K: It is an ornate, golden color.
C: Take the color and wash yourself.
K: I do this and feel "ALIVE" in all parts of me. (I keep this feeling of "alive expectation" the rest of the day)
I wanted to bring freedom from pain for my Aunt Theresa and sister Connie.
C: Go to a safe place, imagine your Aunt T with you.
K: I am in Costa Rica and Aunt T is with me in a wheel chair. We are overlooking the Pacific from the ranch where we stayed for horse riding and bird watching.
(The pain is so great she cannot walk-it is in her lower back. I assume vertebrae are collapsing. The MD said he could not do surgery, probably pain control through medications. She cannot figure out a way to get to the office to have the required MRI for further diagnosis. Aunt Theresa is my mother's youngest sister. Aunt T was the mother to me that my own mother could not be because of her own addiction to alcohol. We have talked as long as two hours on the phone. We have monthly "phone visits" I will miss her so very much when she dies. Aunt T is 81 and has told me, "I do not want to be alone. When Aunt Irene dies I will go shortly thereafter." Aunt Irene died earlier this year. As Aunt T told me today, "I feel as if I am imploding." She has many other chronic illnesses-diabetes, high blood pressure, arthritis, breast cancer survivor-5 years. Aunt T told me today that her bones ache everywhere. I thought "I wonder if the cancer has returned?" Being a hospice chaplain, such thoughts come to mind. Or it could be the osteoporosis or arthritis. She has made a pact with the God that she wants to see her only granddaughter graduate from college. Sometime death waits but not always.)
C: Can you wash her with a color?
K: Yes I wash her with the greens of the grass and trees and blues of the ocean.
C: Tell her thank you for being in your life. For all she has done for you.
K: I begin to tell her in my mind then think "I will write her a letter" so Aunt can read her eulogy now. She is thankful for my love and prayers.
We discuss Connie's situation and the pain she is experiencing. She will have a hip replacement scheduled for 8/5. Connie is a very sweet, gentle loving sister. She is the very best Aunt for all her nieces, nephews and grand nieces and nephews. Connie has never been married. Of my six siblings I am closest to her emotionally, we are 3 years apart.
C: Go to a safe place, find Connie there.
K: I am on the path in Costa Rica that we walked by the Pacific Ocean.
C: How is Connie?
K: We are walking after her surgery and rehabilitation. She is smiling and enjoying the monkeys and the sloth eating her lunch of leaves above. (I saw all of this) I am so happy for her healing.
C: What are the colors present?
K: Green and brown.
C: Wash Connie with the colors
K: I wash Connie and she is relieved and ready for her surgery.
Our session comes to a close.
I will not make another appointment until the court date is set.
I tell Carolyn we need to explore "What is next for my life?" because the Medicare changes to hospice will most likely cause me to loose my job early next year. It is time for me to retire and to work full time for peace for all the world's children until Godde calls me home to be with my family and all the patients I have accompanied into eternity. I know they are with me now and it will be so good to see them face to face once again.
Blessings of peace everyone,
Katy
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