A Must See Movie: CSNY/Deja Vu in theatres now

I marched against the Vietnam War when I attended college in the 60's as a single parent. I knew that "War is not healthy for children or any living thing."

Much music of this war protest era was written and performed by Crosby, Stills and Nash and Neil Young. Linda Englund a MFSO mother soon off to see her own Army son in Germany, called me today, "I have just seen a new movie out now. You have to see it. It is intense. I cried." I had been thinking of heading to the movies this afternoon so...off I went to see it.

It is a balance of music from Vietnam and reprieves from their 2006 tour "Freedom of Speech" Neil Young was the planner of the tour as he created new music in protest of this war. It is so powerful with clips from the 60's and new music Neil has written for today.

Iraq veterans are important actors in this movie as they tell the story of the tragedy of this war. I know two of the soldiers of this story-one living, one deceased. One is Darrell Anderson who now lives in KY. I was on the podium with Darrell and his mother at a Memorial Service for deceased soldiers created by the AFSC: Eyes Wide Open in Chicago in 2007. Darrell's mother is a member of MFSO-Military Families Speak Out. He suffers greatly from PTSD. Darrell went AWOL to Canada, returned, charged by the Army but finally discharged with honor. His mother is fighting valiantly to get the mental health services Darrell continues to need. She reaches out to other soldiers who are protesting the war as we all do.

Another soldier's story is that of Lt. Ken Ballard killed in Iraq 2004. I met his mother while at Walter Reed. Karen wanted to talk to Jason as he and Ken were in the same tank commander class. Ken was killed during his tour of duty extension for three months. I met Karen at Ken's graveside in Arlington National Cemetery Memorial Day 2006. She invited me to come to the memorial she holds each year, "There is no better place for me to be here at the graveside of my only son, my only child." She pours beer on his grave and tells the story of her son and his service and his death. Her interview in the movie made me weep with her sorrow and with my sorrow for the lives lost because of this war.

The music itself caused me to weep as it "bridged time" between Vietnam and Iraq and the suffering caused by war. I hadn't listened to the songs for such a long time. I recommend the album. I recommend the movie, "Ask your local theater to show it." We must end this war NOW and we cannot bomb or invade Iran. This president is war mad and our children and families suffer and lose their lives.

Hold our soldiers, veterans and their families in your thoughts. The movie CSNY/Deja Vu honors them highly.

A Blog Comment I Never Read-till today

Catching up on blogging this morning, I visited CaptJason.blogspot.com for the first time since I don't know when. I found this comment from almost a year ago. I want to share it with you:

I am so relieved that Jason is doing well. I know his battle is not over; nor will it be for a while. But you have all survived the worst with great strength and dignity. God Bless Jason and all his family, especially his parents. (Signed:) devildog6771 Wednesday, November 28, 2007

I felt this to be an ironic find as I am posting his comment on my blog about the reasons for, the process of and emotional and spiritual effects of our divorce. I feel truly blessed by his comment. May Dow and I both grow emotionally and spiritually to find peace within ourselves, family and all the circles of our lives.

Everything that happens in life has meaning for our lives. I do believe that my finding this comment is an affirmation of my divorce process and my growth over the last 3 years. I experience God as blessing me continually throughout this painful, necessary process.

Happy and Sad (Kali and Wholeness)

Had a nice phone visit with my daughter Lisa (lives in Fl) this morning.

My heart is happy for Lisa and Jason (my estranged son.) They will meet this Thursday in Orlando while Jason is visiting his fiance Jodi who is going to school there. Lisa talked about the beautiful blue diamond ring Jason gave Jodi for their engagement on July 4. Jodi did not want a solitaire diamond so I understand it has other stones around it. I am sad because I am excluded from a happy, joyous time in Jason's and Jodi's lives.

My last memories of being with Jason are all of the pain and suffering at Walter Reed and from his wounds of war. I cry even today as I remember how alone and abandoned I felt as I sat for 12 hours (was told the surgery would be 5 hours) as the surgeons rebuilt the right side of Jason's face. Each minute was an hour. I sat in terror and fear as I knew Jason's body was so very seriously injured that he might die on the operating table, under anesthesia for so long. One of my many such experiences at Walter Reed. (See Captjason.blogspot.com, begin reading Oct 2005, when Jason arrived at Walter Reed.)

After we hung up I began to reflect on Kali-the Hindu Goddess who is the best metaphor for the great powers/mystery of creation. Kali has skulls for a necklace and represents "Mother who gives and takes life" My therapist had invited me to reflect on the Black Madonna images or the dark side (shadow for Jung) of the feminine psyche while I was in therapy a number of years ago. I was always seeking the light. I felt that the clerical patriarchy of the RC church and Dow were the dark/shadow side of life.

I think what Dr Cwik was trying to get me to understand was this duality of creation. The forces of creation and destruction are within each of us. Christianity has separated these aspects of Godness/qualities of God. "Creation is of God" "Destruction is the devil" (an individual projects the devil onto the "other" whoever she/he/they may be). "I am not evil/destructive-she/he/they are evil" is our human stance supported by the values of church/culture/media/family, etc.

I projected my shadow/woundedness/brokenness (evil) onto Dow. I knew I was broken/limited/wounded however I was unconscious as to how the dark force was being lived within my/our relationship. It could not be healed as Dow does not believe in the spiritual or emotional experiences of human life. Therefore, we lived a hurtful emotional pattern of being in relationships.

So let us get back to Kali. She is the author of life and the destroyer of life. No duality permitted within the Godhead for Hindus. As God in human form in the world, we are each daughter and son expressions of the living God or the Force which is life. We each must own our behaviors both life-giving and life-taking. Or else I/we get in trouble from our projections-all the way to going to war and destroying nations.

Jason went to war and was wounded seriously. I warred with Dow in my marriage all done unconsciously. Dow and I continued the wounding of each other (wounds created in our own childhood) and all with whom we interacted especially our children. Our emotional life was a battleground. The struggle was a universal one being played out as it is in all humans: Choose life or death. We do it every second of our lives through every decision we make and through every interaction with another/other.

So today I say "I am Kali" life bearer and life taker. First I must give life to my very self expression of being a daughter of Godde, life giver, nurturer, one who enjoys and take delight in the beauty of creation.

I am life-taker, that is I confronted Dow in marriage counseling and when he said, "Feelings are bullshit" I agreed to divorce pushed/pulled Dow into this emotional process of delinking. Now on August 14 the legal and emotional relationship "this is why people leave their parents and become bonded to one another, and the two become one flesh"* will be severed into halves-male and female, individuals separate and distinct. The true/real boundaries of our individuality returned after 32 years of co-dependency and emotional/spiritual battle. The relationship will be acknowledged as being destroyed/dead/over. Kali's force has done her work of destruction. The story does not end with death. (The truth of the Christian story ending in resurrection and new life)

Now Kali is a human metaphor for the Circle of Life. Once destruction has taken place something new will grow. If I listen to Godde's promptings within my own heart/soul/emotions, what will grow is Godde's plan for my life. Even as I approach 66 years of age, I know the work of growth that I am involved in is eternal for time does not exist in the spiritual/emotional realm-the unconscious whether that be my own or the collective-in Christianity named the Kindom of Godde. Or as many teachers call Nirvana, paradise, heaven or any other metaphor for human wholeness of spiritual and psychological being.

My prayer is that Jason chooses life for himself and Jodi after undergoing "death and destruction caused by war" not only in Iraq but from his childhood. Join me in praying for many blessings in their lives from now till they part through death.

This day reminds me of the reading from Ecclesiastes and I offer it as a prayer for Jason and Jodi:

There is a time for everything,
a season for every purpose under heaven:
a season to be born and a season to die;
a season to hurt and a season to heal;
a season to mourn and a season to dance;*

May their engagement be a "season to dance." Amen.

One of the lessons I have learned is my human experience will contain all "the seasons." It is a gift of life to grow on, to gain wisdom from. All is blessing. May your life be rich in such blessings so you may grow completing your emotional and spiritual wholeness of who you are uniquely called to be.

(*Readings from Genesis 2:22-24 and Ecclesiastes 3:1-4)

My Heart Hurt Today

I am a hospice chaplain and today I did a talk-to with a son and his wife signing the consents for his 94 year old mother to come into hospice. Yesterday I did the same with another son also with a 90 year old mother who had declined dramatically in the last week.

Two men, both retired tenderly caring for their mothers. Both of the patients are unresponsive as they prepare to cross the River Styx into eternity. Both men had spent years providing support and being present to their mothers in their declining years.

I felt my heart hurt. My son would never do this for me. We are estranged. I thought, "I did not love my son so that he could grow and return love to me." I was so happy for these men even in their sorrow and impending loss. They had experienced good relationships with their mothers. I am so glad that other mothers are successful where I have not been.

I never knew my own spiritual and emotional woundedness until I saw the total devastation of Jason's body. Jason's body imaged the wounding of my soul. I could no longer deny the suffering of my own life. I had to stop it.
I filed for divorce after Dow refused to look into his own life and emotional wounding.

I cry as I type this for the empty years of my life and for Jason who grew up without loving parents. May we both heal so that love can renewed in the circle of life.

Divorce Date is Set

The final Court date is Aug. 14 at 9:00am in Courtroom 2103(A) at the Daley Ctr., Chicago

--
M. Scott Gordon (my lawyer)

I feel as if I am preparing to walk out of a nightmare and into the sun.
Concretizing into physical reality the dream I had while at Walter Reed in January 2006:

A man/creature is in a loft about 3/4ths of the image. The man/creature is in a spider web shaped like a tunnel. I know he is there and ready to pounce. The loft is hung with black and weapons, the lower floor may also be the same. I am standing on the floor below and looking up into the scene. I know I have fought and won (this morning’s session with Dr. M where I spoke my feelings honestly) I was to fight again. A child is with me. I decide ‘No, I do not need to fight.” I turn and walk away. I turn to my right and step out into the sunshine and blue sky.

During this dream I felt scared and frightened and exhausted.
I knew I did not want to fight emotional battles with Dow any longer.
I could choose and I did. This is the first lucid dream I have ever had.

After the dream I knew the attacker was Dow and the web filled room was my depression, fear, anxiety as the result in living in a toxic marriage that I help sustain because I could not "get out."
Jason's wounding which blinded him; healed me so that I could for the first time see the reality of my emotional and spiritual life.

Now I am not afraid nor exhausted but wait on my God to walk with me into God's future.
I am in God's hands. I don't know if life is an adventure but I do know that I will have surprises given to me by God to live for. And when God calls me into eternity I will be at rest.

Thursday, August 14-A Tentative Court Date

After 1 1/2 years of divorce process struggle, my lawyer called late this afternoon and informed me that a court date will be set tomorrow with the August 14 date available.

As usual Dow comes out ahead. He is off for the summer and professors are on a flex schedule, I must take time off from work. So I will lose a half day's pay at least. The court is in downtown Chicago and I work in Palatine for the IDT meeting that is held on Thursday. I may not make it to work that day at all, it depends on the time of the judge's availability. Dow doesn't have to appear but I do. Again Dow gets off without energy expended. As usual I show up to take responsibility as I did throughout our marriage. What a way to waste 32 years of one's life. Don't do it! Fight for your values and your faith and most importantly your feelings. These all are the core experience of being human, of being alive.

However, I could not believe it, but I must; Dow finessed Jason into signing off the time-shares something I had tried to have Jason do for 2 years. When Jason said he didn't want one of the time-shares, I asked him to sign off, sent papers but, of course, being as passive/aggressive as his father, I got no action nor comment. They are both emotional stone walls-except for anger.
Feelings so repressed, ignored, denied; both are unconscious of the experience of being human, that is owning and feeling and expressing emotions. Of course I was part of the problem as I held my own feelings in "to be a good Catholic Christian wife and mother."

I am both excited and sad as the day approaches.
Soon being single at age 65 1/2 will be my reality.
I know what I face, falling financial stability and changing life circumstances.
Yet, I trust in Godde as I always have done.
I know Godde and I will make a path where there has been none.
Doors will open where there is no door.

I have learned my lesson of life. I must take action if the emotional situation is hurting me. Doing nothing is deadly-it almost cost Jason his life and myself horrible emotional and spiritual suffering for over 30 years. Some days I can't believe that I am still standing. I consider it a miracle.

Rest in peace this night.
It is soon to be over. It is enough.

Response from the Lawyer

I contacted my lawyer to follow up-Thursday update call.
Scott said that he was trying to force the issue about getting Jason to sign off his ownership of the timeshares. So that I can give title to Lisa. I told Scott that the court had no control over Jason, nor Dow, nor I. Let us be realistic. Jason is a seriously wounded Iraq veteran who hasn't spoken to me in a year, why would he agree to help bring this marriage to a close? No one is going to make Jason do anything especially where I am concerned.

If Dow doesn't influence Jason to sign and it looks like he didn't succeed while Jason was living with him; I want Dow to sign a statement releasing me from this settlement issue as it is now impossible for me to meet his demand into the foreseeable future. I figure I will die before Jason signs it over to Lisa.

So that is where the divorce process stands. I was hoping it would be over before Dow got back from Australia but it ain't looking so good.

Two Tasks I Can't Bare to Do But Must

I have been procrastinating so long. I must do two tasks that "give closure" to this relationship.

1. For 50 years I collected Christmas ornaments. I must give them away as I know I will never have another tree as beautiful as the ones I decorated in Blacksburg, VA. I have always loved Christmas. It is a magical time. In the Michigan of my childhood snow covers the ground and Santa can really come. Mother would work literally all Christmas Eve night; putting up the tree, wrapping gifts, cooking. It was one day that she enjoyed the results of hours of work. It is among the few good memories I have of my childhood years.

2. I have boxes of photos from my lifetime and marriage. I must go through them and sort them, send them to folks who would like them. It is like a funeral for me. I listen to the widows and senior women mourn the loss of their homes when they must downsize. It comes to us all, now it is my turn and it makes me cry. I know the reason is the loss of a lifetime not the "why" of the loss. I don't know why this is such an important process for me but it is. I think because I took the photos.

Then on to creating a new life after the court date: will, POA for medical and finance, transfer of ownership of auto, changing may name on everything from auto to tax records.

Then discernment of what direction I am to follow.

At the Therapist-Loss/Grief/Healing for Connie and Aunt Theresa

After I read the email from the lawyer, I was filled with many feelings.
"It is OVER. What will happen next? How well will I be financially? How long will my health remain good so I can be active?" I have butterflies but they are because of the excitement of the changes in my life to come. I am not anxious but filled with patient expectation for the future. I do not fear it but know that I am held by Godde/the universe.

Our marriage, a tragic mistake for each of us will be acknowledge publicly. We were so wounded we could not love each other or our children. Neither of us left because our relationship and its dynamic was all unconscious. We did not support our children, especially Jason. We did not teach our children to feel authentic feelings and to express them. We did not build their identity, self-esteem or teach them skills for good decision making. All our decisions were based on unconscious patterns of interaction and relationships

I became neurotic, depressed, angry, fearful, anxious. Dow is unable to experience his feelings or to express them. He does express anger. When after 32 years, I forced the issue of feelings during our joint marriage counseling prior to our mutual decision to divorce, Dow replied, "Bull-----, bull----." I knew hope for change in our relationship was over. I filed for divorce. Now the State will declare 32 years of financial, marital, emotional relationship null and void. Dow is free to marry again. I believe he will as he was married when we met in graduate school.

I am in therapy with a Social worker and had a session with Carolyn for the first time in about 2 months. I want to try to present the session. Carolyn works with a "guided therapy" technique.
I wanted to work with the sorrow I experience because Jason did not contact me while he lived 5 minutes away for two months in Chicago. He returned to FL 6/27.

I shared the following dream with Carolyn. I knew that Jason was gone and that I would not hear from him before I went to CR.

July 2, 2008 Costa Rica Dream
I am in the condo. But it is not the condo. The hallway with the 3 bedroom doors and the bathroom door are gone. The right side where doors were is now a wall of white plaster. In reality the hall leads to the front room. In the dream the hall ends in a wall. So it is like a “tunnel.” There are no windows in the hall but it is filled with a soft light.

Dow’s office door is open. The only door to the right in the hall. (In the condo this is the room right before the living room. There is no wood in sight when the actual room is filled with crown molding, etc. Wooden desk, bookcases, computer desk , etc. It does have windows, it does not have a fireplace.)

The room like the hall is a soft white. I walk into the room and it has a long couch to my immediate right. I am standing at its back. Jason is lying on the couch. He lifts his head up to look at me over the back of the couch, “Hi Mom.” On the other side of Jason is a fireplace, similar to the one in the actual living room and it has fire in it. I can’t describe other furniture (if there is any) or anything else in the room. The light is soft, no windows.
I wake up. I feel at peace.

Carolyn: "Go to a safe place." (I close my eyes, both feet on the floor and my hands resting in my lap. She places her right hand behind my back. I close my eyes. At times her hand will feel very warm.
Katy: I find myself on the ranch in Costa Rica (I have just returned from vacation) overlooking a bay that leads to the Pacific Ocean. It is all green except the bay which is gray about a 1000' away and down a slope from where I stand.
C: Where in your body do you feel the sorrow of the loss of your relationship to Jason?
(We discussed Jodi informing of their engagement and my feeling of probably not being invited to the wedding as things stand now)
K: After thinking, "In my legs, they feel so heavy."
C: Go back to a time when you first felt your legs to be heavy.
K: after thinking, "I have not felt this way before."

C: What does the heaviness feel like? or is there an image?
K: after thinking, "I have an image of dresser drawers. The heaviness is in the drawers."
C: What does it look like?
K: It doesn't look, it is heavy space.
C: Can you take the drawers and place them out side of yourself?
K: Yes, they are stacked in front of me. (The drawers are from the two dressers I have in my bedroom)

C: Can you release the heaviness from the drawers?
K: Yes, it looks like a little tornado, a cyclone being released from the drawers, going up.
C: How do you feel?
K: My legs feel much lighter now. I take the brown from the dressers and wash myself with the color. I feel connected to the earth.

I wanted to work with the divorce court date, after the judge has signed the papers. At this time I think it will be done while Dow is in Australia so I will be alone in the court. Dow is not required to come, only his lawyer.

C: Find yourself in a safe place.
K: I am in Daley Plaza after the divorce papers are signed.
C: How do you feel?
K: Happy, relieved, a little scared of what my unknown future holds. I am wearing a brightly colored dress, the sky is blue with no clouds and the sun is shining. I am alone amongst the busy people crossing the plaza.
C: Do you want to put a frame around yourself in the scene?
K: Yes, I do but how can I do that as I am walking away from the court?
C: Just think of the frames/pictures in Harry Potter.
K: (That works for me.) I frame the scene in one of the ornate frames from HP.
C: What is the color?
K: It is an ornate, golden color.
C: Take the color and wash yourself.
K: I do this and feel "ALIVE" in all parts of me. (I keep this feeling of "alive expectation" the rest of the day)

I wanted to bring freedom from pain for my Aunt Theresa and sister Connie.
C: Go to a safe place, imagine your Aunt T with you.
K: I am in Costa Rica and Aunt T is with me in a wheel chair. We are overlooking the Pacific from the ranch where we stayed for horse riding and bird watching.
(The pain is so great she cannot walk-it is in her lower back. I assume vertebrae are collapsing. The MD said he could not do surgery, probably pain control through medications. She cannot figure out a way to get to the office to have the required MRI for further diagnosis. Aunt Theresa is my mother's youngest sister. Aunt T was the mother to me that my own mother could not be because of her own addiction to alcohol. We have talked as long as two hours on the phone. We have monthly "phone visits" I will miss her so very much when she dies. Aunt T is 81 and has told me, "I do not want to be alone. When Aunt Irene dies I will go shortly thereafter." Aunt Irene died earlier this year. As Aunt T told me today, "I feel as if I am imploding." She has many other chronic illnesses-diabetes, high blood pressure, arthritis, breast cancer survivor-5 years. Aunt T told me today that her bones ache everywhere. I thought "I wonder if the cancer has returned?" Being a hospice chaplain, such thoughts come to mind. Or it could be the osteoporosis or arthritis. She has made a pact with the God that she wants to see her only granddaughter graduate from college. Sometime death waits but not always.)

C: Can you wash her with a color?
K: Yes I wash her with the greens of the grass and trees and blues of the ocean.
C: Tell her thank you for being in your life. For all she has done for you.
K: I begin to tell her in my mind then think "I will write her a letter" so Aunt can read her eulogy now. She is thankful for my love and prayers.

We discuss Connie's situation and the pain she is experiencing. She will have a hip replacement scheduled for 8/5. Connie is a very sweet, gentle loving sister. She is the very best Aunt for all her nieces, nephews and grand nieces and nephews. Connie has never been married. Of my six siblings I am closest to her emotionally, we are 3 years apart.
C: Go to a safe place, find Connie there.
K: I am on the path in Costa Rica that we walked by the Pacific Ocean.
C: How is Connie?
K: We are walking after her surgery and rehabilitation. She is smiling and enjoying the monkeys and the sloth eating her lunch of leaves above. (I saw all of this) I am so happy for her healing.
C: What are the colors present?
K: Green and brown.
C: Wash Connie with the colors
K: I wash Connie and she is relieved and ready for her surgery.

Our session comes to a close.
I will not make another appointment until the court date is set.
I tell Carolyn we need to explore "What is next for my life?" because the Medicare changes to hospice will most likely cause me to loose my job early next year. It is time for me to retire and to work full time for peace for all the world's children until Godde calls me home to be with my family and all the patients I have accompanied into eternity. I know they are with me now and it will be so good to see them face to face once again.

Blessings of peace everyone,
Katy

The Time is Coming Closer

Got an email today from my lawyer you can read from the bottom up:

Snag. I reminded Dow's attorney (again) that certain funds are due at the final court date. She said we were being unreasonable, etc. Obviously, that is the agreement, but Dow left the country without writing a check to you. I am being asked if you will agree that he can pay the money to you upon his return. It is your decision; he has agreed to start paying the higher maintenance amount starting today.

From:

I will be gone July 22, August 8, 11, 12

Mondays and Tuesdays work best for me as I am not scheduled to work.

These are good dates:

Mondays: July 28, August 4

Tuesdays: July 29, August 5

I can make any other day, but I work on Wed, Thurs, Fri. and will have to take time off.

Katy

Please let me know any dates you can NOT come to court between July 22 and August 15.

Scott

So as you can see Dow's attorney supports his continued emotional and financial abuse of myself. Why wouldn't she have told Dow, "Bring a check book, you'll need to write a check for Katy in order for your divorce to be final?" I wrote to Scott to have it taken out of Dow's equity loan. Because after the judge signs I have zip leverage with Dow and I don't have money to keep hauling his behind into court to have the settlement implemented. Dow is the most passive aggressive person I have ever met. Jason is the same.

May Godde be With Us or "May the Saints Preserve Us"

I was scheduled to preside this morning and with the Witness for Peace walking two women visiting, my own walking 9 miles yesterday and life after vacation...I wanted to have a very low key but spiritually challenging liturgy today.

We hold our liturgies in a store-front church in a very poor section of Chicago called Uptown. It has never recovered from the white-flight of the 1960's. However during the construction boom the neighborhood has been gentrifying, as we say in Chicago. Once we had many persons from homeless shelters in the neighborhood, now we have a couple of regulars. (Names have been changed for privacy)

Ed, ex-felon and drug addict now working for a large supermarket. A very solid man in his 40-50's. Ed has attended the Harold for the 12 years I have been in Chicago. Chuck, a drug user (I believe he was high this morning) and Sam a man suffering from a TBI or something. But can only speak with his fingers in his mouth or squeezing his face with his hands. Both of these men I have met within the last year.

I worship in a circle of about 12 folks and most of them are living on the "forefront of theology." Most of our congregation are RC nuns. These nuns have spent their lives working for justice and peace, writers and civil resisters, prophets all. Today was going to try their lives of non-violence. The gospel was the traditional "hear the word of God" are you "a rocky soil, a thorn bush or good soil" for the seed of Godde's word to grow in? I wanted to challenge the good Sisters and my own thinking. Every Sunday we have a dialog homily, that is we share how we experience/what we have learned/heard from the readings of the day. Today I replaced the 2nd reading with this selection:

From the words of the Balinese shaman and healer Katut
Katut says he knows one meditation that takes him “to up.”
“The meditation takes me seven places in universe.
Last place I go is heaven.”
“What is it like?” Elizabeth asks.
“Everything beautiful is there. Every person beautiful is there.
Everything beautiful to eat is there. Everything is love there.
Heaven is love,” Katut replies.

Katut says he knows another meditation. “To down.”
Elizabeth asks, “If you go up to heaven in the first meditation,
then, in the second meditation you must go down to….?”
“Hell” Katut finishes the statement.
“You have been to hell?”
He smiles. Of course he’s been there.
“What is it like in hell?” Elisabeth asks.
“Same like heaven,” Katut replies. He sees my confusion.
“Universe is a circle” Katut says, “To up, to down—all same, at end.”

“How can you tell the difference between heaven and hell?”
“Because of how you go.
Heaven, you go up, through seven happy places.
Hell you go down, through seven sad places.
That is why it better for you to go up.” Katut laughs.

Elisabeth asks, “You might as well spend your life going upward, through the happy places, since heaven and hell—the destination—are the same thing anyway?”
“Same-same” Katut responds,
“Same in end, so better to be happy on journey.”
Elizabeth ponders, “If heaven is love, then hell is…”
“Love, too” Katut answers.

( Adapted from: Eat, Pray, Love, by Elizabeth Gilbert, Pgs 261-263)

There is a process for reflection that I have used in the past. I selected it this morning because I wanted to control the discussion of this reading. I didn't know who would be present and I wanted us to "listen and be fertile soil for the Word of God" contained in this shaman's wisdom. Well, from this group, expect the unexpected. The process is done in three rounds, with no response or discussion. I call it a nominal group process. It is to open us to the Spirit-Sophia.

Read the passage then,
1. Choose the word or phrase that caught my attention. Meditate in silence. Share the word with no responses or challenges from others.

Read the passage again, alternating male and female, then:
2. From what I have heard and shared: What does God want me to do or be this week? How does God invite me to change? Again no responses or cross talk.

Read the passage again, then:
3. Going around the circle each person prays for the person on his/her right. For them to fulfill what Godde is calling them to this week.

Chuck as usual has come in late to the service. He is clean, well dressed, constantly in motion, his eyes are dilated. Chuck always enters and begins speaking out loud "sorry I am late, etc." always disrupting the service and becoming the center of attention. So normal.

I begin to explain the process. I do not believe that Chuck was present for the first reading of the passage which I would have done as the second reading. He was present as I read the steps which he has a copy to read along and refer to.

I begin the first round. I start so that I can model the behavior and then facilitate/control the responses. When it is Chuck's turn he goes ballistic, "You are reading, not telling me what line, where it is!" I try to explain, he gets more upset. "What is this? I don't like this!" He refuses to "choose" a thought/word. "Just go by me!" Erin sitting next to him tries to explain again, he is not buying this reflective process. He cannot try something new.

The good sisters are upset for this is a "challenging reading," and I know they like it by their body language. I am praying like crazy, knowing Godde is present and is in control. We continue around the circle and all goes as instructed.

Second round, as the reading progresses, Chuck leaves the room as he usually does and I think, "Okay, no more disruptions" but he returns. I model my answer on personal meaning, Carrie says, "I pass" and then it is Chuck's turn. Because he was out of the room, I thought he won't participate and ask Erin to respond. Definitely an opening for Chuck to be disruptive and in control. "Why didn't you ask me?" I honestly replied "Because you have been out of the room." He rants and raves. I apologize and say, "We are in step 4, would you like to say a personal meaning for a word or phrase." "I don't understand this process, I am confused. I don't understand the reading" etc. etc. Erin agrees with him, "The reading is difficult. I understand your confusion." He has been listened to by Erin. This permits Chuck to “have the last word” and he is mollified.

The next person says, "I don't understand the passage at all." It has really challenged her. Her son is in prison and she is struggling so much. The nuns have understandable responses. Sam is contorting as he tries to speak. He struggles so hard I cannot understand him. He does not address the reading as he came in late. My heart breaks for him. But he is accepted in this circle of worship.

We come to Lily who is developmentally challenged. Her mother placed her in a nursing home because of challenges. She is in her 40's. Before liturgy she had told me that "I am with God. I have been praying every day, I have been to confession." She has an inner glow. I am happy for her. I congratulate her on her experience of Godde. She is to speak next. Lily says, "God is beyond love." That is all. We all look at her. What did she say? We are heart struck. Sr Renny who is next is stunned. "I can't respond. I want to ponder what Lily has said, "God is beyond love." Then she continues, "God is mystery. Beyond love, hell, heaven, up/down/forward. God is mystery." I had felt the same as I expressed it in the term "paradox" that is where we find God.

We have come to the heart of our relationship with God. We can spend our lives in relationship to God and ultimately it is Mystery, the Sacred Mystery in which we move and have our being and which accepts us in love at death.

Ed brings us back to earth, to this time and place. Ed is very straight in his response with strong feeling; "I don't get this at all. How can heaven and hell be the same? be love?"

I am about ready to laugh: the rocky soil, the thorns, the good soil within the hearts of this congregation, of all of humanity when the seeds of understanding are sown. We shared from our depths. I am happy, Sophia is alive and present and active in those who seek to listen and to hear the Word of God. Awe fills my heart as I have taken the time to reflect this afternoon writing these notes. I know that Godde is very pleased with our reflection! It is true adoration and praise. We held each other in inclusive love which is God. Beyond heaven, beyond hell. It is enough.

Blessings to each of you where ever you find yourself on the journey of life which is a spiritual journey. We are created to know Godde however that might be for each of us.

What a day!:-) The peace walkers have just called, they want to take me out to dinner. So I am off to dinner with two new friends from Ohio. They will walk one more day then return home on Tuesday. When I return to the peace vigil at the Federal Plaza building for the first time since the beginning of the year. How I have missed my friends and fellow peacemakers.

Jason and Jodi are Engaged!

I received and read this email when I returned from my vacation in Costa Rica last Monday:

Hi!

I have news for you!! On the fourth of July Mr. Jason Scott proposed to me. We are engaged!

For the wedding we are thinking of doing it on a Disney cruise. This is not set in stone, but it would be a great vacation for everyone if we do. Disney needs a year in advance so we have to decide by Oct, since I would like to get married in that month. (2009).

Jason is in school for the last part of the summer, he is in Gainesville. I am in Orlando now living with a group of our friends.

Jodi

I met Jodi at bedside at Walter Reed in October 2005 (see www.captjason.blogspot.com). When she would come to visit one weekend a month Jason would say, "You can go mom" not wanting me to talk to her. Jason has not spoken to me for 1 1/2 years. I am happy that Jodi informed me but at this time I feel Jason will not permit me to attend the wedding.

I sent her this note in reply:
Jodi and Jason,
I am so happy for both of you.
Jason is very lucky that you said, “Yes.”

Jodi, you are truly a very special and remarkable young woman.
Jason, I wish you both only the best life has to offer.

May your engagement time be filled with making happy plans and “together memories.”

I hold you both tenderly in my heart,
With wishes and prayers for your life of happiness together.

Katy

This is all I can do. I continue to pray for the healing of Jason, myself and our relationship. You do the same.

A Journey Begins with a Single Step or We Make the Path as We Walk

The company that I needed to go home to plan for on Friday were two women, Josie and Danielle from Ohio. They were in Chicago to walk for three days on the 450 mile Witness Against War:2008 sponsored by Voices for Creative Non-Violence (VCNV.org for more info and updates) The walk is to include civil resistance in Racine WI, Ft. McCoy and at the Republican National Convention where the walk ends in St. Paul MN. The total walk is to be about 50 days with a day off each week. Kathy Kelly said that they have places each night and almost every night they will make a presentation to a group offering hospitality.

I cannot walk all of the walk but I committed myself no matter what was happening in my personal life, to walk this first segment of the walk. Yesterday we walked a "day before" walk of 9 miles from Daly Plaza to St. Gertrude's in Edgewater Chicago. I had never walked from downtown to home (as St. Gertrude's is 5 minutes from my apartment) About 50 were in attendance at the rally in Daly Plaza. (Fox News reported on it but I couldn't find a site today. Also heard from folks that it was reported on the radio many times during the day.) This included an Imam who spoke at the rally and a good number of IVAW against the war, VFP also including Ray Parrish a counselor for vets who have been receiving calls from soldiers in Iraq who want help in getting out of the military. Someone had written his phone/name in Baghdad.

About 1 PM we started our walk North. The weather was cloudy off and on but the threatened storms did not appear. We had plenty of water as the humidity was very high and I honestly sweated the whole way. We had a police escort(lots of police on those golf cart thingees) all the way up the Magnificent Mile, then a much smaller -one car, one police person on a sequeway through Lakeview, then only the police car all the way to St. Gertrude's. They did stop traffic at each intersection which is a blessing for the "slower of us."

Only three negative incidents one on the "magnificent mile"

A twenty-something was shouting at us, "______the Iraqis" I replied, "My son lost and eye and arm in Iraq." The man had the decency to say "We are from the United Emirates." As if that explained his behavior. The seeds of violence planted, grow and grow.

As we were crossing the street heading toward the MM, a policeman was calling, "Hurry up, hurry up" obviously not looking at the group crossings the street. At 65, I was one of them but my friend Barbara a lifelong peace activist nearing 70 years must now walk with a cane. She was being helped by a friend and accompanied by her developmentally challenged son age 31. I looked at the policeman and said, "Look who you are trying to hurry up, I am 65." He was quiet after my words.

We were on the sidewalk in Lincoln Park-a Gold Coast neighborhood. At each intersection, we would gather letting those who couldn't walk as fast catch up. Then all of us would proceed across the street. We were "blocking" the entrance to an office building. The manager(?) came out "Move on YOU are blocking my building, people want to come in." A person had entered the building but we had easily stepped aside. I am sure he complained and the manager went out to "move the rabble." However, the manager upset our police escort on his sequeway. You don't mess with the Chicago police, "These folks have a right to be on the sidewalk, they moved out of the way and will move out of the way so people can enter." Basically "don't get yourself in a twit." Police officers cannot afford to live in the Gold Coast. He shook his head and we continued across the street a few minutes later.

Spent the time talking to folks along the way. This walk the horns were honking to support us, many gave the peace sign, many folks said, "We are with you." Everyone was surprised that we were walking to MN and the RNC as a Witness for Peace.

We ended the evening with a potluck for about 50 people in the fellowship hall. Kathy Kelly spoke again along with some folks who had made multiple visits to Iraq since Voices started in 1996. I had snuck home to take a shower and to take an Advil. My feet hurt so much as I have old tennis shoes that have no support left. I thought, "Why didn't I wear my true hikers?" Josie and Danielle came back to the apartment, took showers, had some tea and it was lights off at about 10. We needed to get up at 7-7:30 to start our Sunday.

I hope to catch up with Voices in MN. I plan to take the train over on Friday a couple of days before they arrive. Before that I will be attending my sister's 62 birthday in Detroit next weekend and the ordination of a woman friend in Lexington KY in August. So the summer still has days of being with family and friends to look forward to.

Dow is in Australia to August 9, Jason is in school working on his MBA.

Godde's Blessings

Friday I started the day praying that I would make my visits as I had scheduled them. I had company coming on Saturday and needed the evening to prepare my liturgy for Sunday. I have been called away from my schedule to do a "talk to" about hospice twice in the past month on Fridays. (When we were Hospice Partners chaplains were never utilized in this manner, so it has been an adjustment for me.) If I were asked to do one, it would most likely be in Palatine about a 2 hour drive across Chicagoland from where I make visits. I had scheduled my last visit in Wilmette about 1/2 from apartment if the traffic is moving. I finish visits at 6PM.

Godde is very good as I made all my visits exactly as planned! No calls from central office. I got home and the VM only held a request for financial assistance from a friend who has been out of work for over a year. Mary (not her real name) is being evicted (I think) because of inability to pay rent. I struggled as it is a substantial request. I prayed about it throughout the day and knew I would provide the money even though I am personally in debt about $10K from this long protracted divorce. I know compared to her situation I am very wealthy, a rich person. I know she has been struggling and actively pursuing work.

Mary has congenital heart trouble and found herself in the ICU about a month ago. She passed out where she volunteers. The stress is very great for her. Raised to be independent by her military family she "cannot ask them" "we are not whiners," for help even though she says her brother is a very successful MD on the East Coast.

I will help her as I can but I am very honest about my finances with her. With my hope to retire and work for peace full time I will no longer be able to help her as I have up till now. She again said today that she had a positive interview with a non-profit on the S side of Chicago. I pray 'Wouldn't it be wonderful if Mary got the job and found an apartment near by!" She could move and start "a new life." Let us pray for this blessing for her!

It is a beautiful day in Chicago. High Mid Summer. All the annuals and the daylillys in full bloom.