Christmas Letter 2008-Sent Only to Jodi Bower, Jason's Fiance

I thought I would share my Christmas letter I sent in an email reply to Jodi. My note to family and friends sent with Holiday greetings this year announced my divorce as that was the Event of the year for me, an emotional and spiritual milestone. This is the "news" version of my life for 2008.

Hello Ms. Katy,

School has finished and if all goes well, (this means if UCF doesn't do something crazy) I should have my diploma in 6 weeks! Exciting! I have moved back to Gainesville (before I was in Orlando at my sister's house) and all is well. How was your thanksgiving with Lisa and the Kids?

It was a wonderful time in that being in the sun and seventy for 10 days is balm for my frozen Midwest body and soul. My sister Connie joined us for 4 days, so we cooked the feast and ate the feast and then ate turkey, and more turkey till I don’t want turkey any more! For at least a little while.

Connie had not played WII before so we all enjoyed it. Connie has much better eye/hand coordination than I so she beat her older sister! Sigh. We all worked together to make the banner that hung over the table. I had taken the kids on a walk and gathered different natural materials to spell “Give Thanks” each letter on a different piece of construction paper. I must say, “We did a good job” and I am proud of my grandchildren. I try to give my grandkids as many hugs as I can get away with-you need 8 hugs a day to be “human.” The more the better as I wear a button “Licensed to hug” as a chaplain and my dad was known for his hugs!

We went to see Bolt, the boys were “bored” but we ladies enjoyed girl has dog, girl looses dog, dog finds girl. My kind of story. Then Connie went off to see a soccer game in Orlando with Jonathan, they lost but gave it their all. Lisa and I spent time cleaning out the garage for the grandkids ping pong table that will soon arrive. We found the books of my childhood which Judy had been looking for for 10 years! Connie had sent them to Lisa so we sent Judy a “Hanukah and Christmas gift.”

I think one of the best parts of our visit together was I found this version of bingo called Feast for kids. We used mellow cream pumpkins for markers to cover the calls. They were pictures of Pilgrim boy, girl, pumpkin pie, turkey etc. The rule was “who won the round got to eat ONE pumpkin.” At the end of the session, “Everyone who lost got to eat one.” The kids were great and didn’t sneak too many that I saw during the week. Personally after the first session and all the mauling, I thought, ‘Gross, I am not eating any more” as we re-bagged and reused the same pumpkins. Charlie didn’t play till late in the visit and the first words out of his mouth when he realized what we were playing with were, “We are not eating these are we?” The kids just looked at him like “Huh? What are you asking?” J I had to smile, I thought they are all family germs, can’t be too bad? Good to gross out your dad sometimes.

It was a great break from hospice ministry: to be at the beginning of life with all the exuberant energy of youth.

How is everything in life?

That is a difficult question to answer so I will tell you about “my life”

1. I have been trying to establish connection with my 100% Polish roots. My grandparents on both sides were born in Poland. When they arrived in the USA via Ellis Island in the late 19^th and early 20 centuries; they wanted their children to “be American” so they did not pass down traditions except the wonderful foods. One tradition that my mother kept was that the Christmas tree was not to be seen by the kids until Christmas morning. She would stay up all night setting the tree, wrapping gifts, cooking to “make Christmas come.” It was a truly wonderful gift given to me. That is why I love Christmas so much. So I decided this year to join the Polish American Museum-lucky for me-in Chicago and it is active! This fall I attended a pierogi (like ravioli) making class. Basically we ate our way through two hours of watching others do the work! It was a hoot as everyone but me knew Polish and whenever our poor male 20something cook would say, “This is how to do it.” All the women would immediately begin speaking to each other in Polish! I am sure saying, “Mom never did it that way! etc.” We ate so many pierogi there were plates left over. Then I attended a paper cutting decoration class. If you go to Lisa’s and look in the office, I hung it on the wall. I really enjoyed it but it takes time for a neophyte like me. Finally I went to a Wiegela, the traditional Polish meal on Christmas Eve. (I never had one when I was growing up) Because Poles are RC, they ate no meat but from the sea, the land, the field, forest. So pierogi, and dumplings, and beets, and fish, and mushroom soup with pasta, and fruit compote. Again we ate until we were full to overflowing. Polish folks love to eat! So I can say “I have already eaten my Christmas dinner!”

2. I was on the planning committee for Roman Catholic women ordinations here in Chicago, 11/1. About 300 people attended. This was exciting as I had been to 6 prior to being on the planning end. The planning committee worked well together. However the womenpriests in admin positions, following the oppressive model of the RCC undermined what we were trying to do. Being non-violent long time protestors in the RCC, after the ordinations were complete we came back together wrote up our feedback and sent it to the three administrative priests. We are asking for face to face time in Jan/Feb. So we will see if Roman Catholic women priests will say “yes” Rome always says “No” to folks who want to dialogue on the issue of power. That is why we started ordaining women. “To be continued…” It is true that those oppressed take on the characteristics of the oppressor if come to positions of power, the model they have learned as they lived. Women are no different.

3. In August I attended another ordination at which a RCC priest in good standing Fr Roy B (see SOAWATCH) concelebrated. He is now in the process of being excommunicated. I wrote him a letter and offered to work with him on Peace and justice issues-especially the ordination of women in the RCC. BTW, I read the Gospel at the Janice’s ordination, so I am excommunicated, probably my 1000th time. We ain’t going; we defect in place and invite others to do the same. It is very difficult to change a system from the outside. Some folks are working from the outside creating alternatives such as Women Church.

4. PEBO (FBI, I think, for President Elect Barack Obama) as you know lives in Chicago-S side. A group VCNV (Voices for Creative Non Violence) with Kathy Kelly at the lead, proposed Camp Hope 2009 (www.Camphope2009.org) from 1/1 to 1/19 outside PEBO’s home in S. Chicago. We couldn’t get too close, we are in a park about 2 blocks away near a train stop, I understand. We will be present there and around the city with different presentations etc focusing on “8 promises” PEBO made during the campaign. We will try to be present from 8 AM to 6 PM each day. I will be attending 3 different times at least: a. with my small “alternative RC” faith community after church on 1/11, the day to stop torture as American policy. We will also sponsor a showing of the Taxi to the Dark Side at the local parish. I hope to find a Guantanamo guard, we have two in the area, to aid our discussion. b. as a member of Pax Christi on the afternoon of 1/6. We plan on having postcards for folks to write a letter to PEBO on one of the 8 promises, their choice. 3. As a member of Kairos-a group of college students that focus on non-violent systemic change in church and society and living a simple life-style. They let “Grandma Katy” attend. I thank them for their indulgence; they struggle to find their true selves and to build a better future for all the children of the world. So that will fill my January. I do not plan to go to DC for the inauguration. I don’t have tickets to get close and I don’t take the cold like I used to be able to do. I might see the Obama family closer at Camp Hope as we are present in his neighborhood.

5. My Christmas plans include taking the “polar express” over to Ann Arbor where Connie my sister lives. I arrive at Midnight with Christmas. We will get up, go to traditional mass (Connie’s choice), make Christmas dinner-so far chicken soup and homemade bread and pierogi (I purchased from the Polish Museum class and froze). Connie and I will eat with my mother’s remaining sibling-Aunt Theresa Borkowski who is failing. It will be the three of us and hoping to catch her memories of Christmas past. Then on Saturday we will cook and head to Tina and Mike’s to enjoy an open house for our brother Joe’s (deceased) three children and kids. Don’t know if anyone else will come. Connie wants to attend a play so maybe we will also do that. The best thing about Connie’s is that she belongs to this fabulous Fitness center part of the local community college and we head for the pool every chance we get. Of course it may be closed because school is down for the holidays. I am sure we will find plenty to do with visits here and there. Connie has to work ½ day on Friday. I may be writing Christmas cards as I am no where being done. First time in my life I will be late. We will visit with whoever is available and then I reverse the Polar Express on Tuesday and head home to Chicago. Back to work on New Year’s Eve. Camp Hope begins 1/1/09 so it will be out in the cold for New Year’s and my 66th birthday which is the 3^rd. I am thinking of taking a cake to Camp Hope and sharing with anyone who walks by! “Let them eat cake!” as a famous French queen once said.

6. I continue in therapy once a month and visiting my spiritual director once a month. My therapist is an alternative therapy woman who works with emotional pain experienced in the body. My spiritual director is most important to me now as I attempt to discern what my immediate future will look like as I face decisions in 2009.

7. As part of my grief work I am distributing ornaments from 50 years of collecting them. They will decorate others trees as I will have no longer have one that permits me the use of five boxes of ornaments and decorations. Sad, yet at the same time I feel happy that I can select who gets the decorations from my memories. Part of the letting go of who I was to opening the door to who I will become. Life is a journey and I have found that one of the most difficult challenges is the letting go.

8. The world of health care is disaster. Medicare is writing out the role of spiritual care for hospice patients (to save money, even as Hospice saves $ as patients don’t continue aggressive treatment to the end of life.) So I am looking at next step for me as I enter full senior status at 66 according to Social Security on January 3, 2009. 2008 was momentous change as we ended a marriage of 32 years. 2009 will most likely find me changing my work situation and possible move as Fr. Roy, if he were to say yes to my offer, presently lives in Columbus outside of Ft. Benning. If not I must downsize to cheaper rent as I can’t afford the $1100+ I pay now. My lease is up 4/1. I am looking at house sharing in Chicago, my RCC ordained friend Janice, mentioned above wants me to move to KY…So all options are on the table. For sure what is: change will happen. As we all must learn that life is change: emotionally, spiritually, physically, socially, and economically; that is in all aspects of human living. If one accepts that life is about the challenge to grow as a human (Jungian psychology), no wonder it is about change. As we face the challenges of our lives, we must change or we will not grow emotionally. How we accept this truth of human existence affects all dimensions of our life and being and relationships with others. If we remain ignorant of the need for growth and change we are a “failed experiment” of humanity, such were the Neanderthals.

Thank you Jodi for asking about my life,

Wishing I could be with you and Jason for the holidays.

Best wishes for your family and have a great celebration with friends

Make good and very happy memories for you and Jason,

Love, Katy

A Hospice Christmas Story

As you know I am a hospice chaplain. This week I visited a senior with advanced Parkinson's disease. Some time Mary (name changed) can connect with conversation, sometimes not. We began to talk about the Christmas story. Mary said, "I wonder what heaven will be like?" Because this is hospice, I take such questions very seriously as folks often ask such questions because death is approaching. I asked "what do you think?" "I can't imagine"a reply most seniors would give as they learned that "Heaven, a place of eternal reward, is beyond anything we can imagine."

I reconnected to the Christmas story, "When you get to heaven, Mary, do you think Jesus whom you will meet will be an adult or will he be a baby like the one in the stable?" I had given Mary a small creche and we had talked about the figures whom she can still identify. Mary looked rather taken aback. "Mary, you could bounce him on your knee as you did your own son when he was small." Her eyes and smile lit up (Mary has one child a son) this she could relate to, "Wouldn't that be wonderful." I knew that Mary was holding her son/Jesus on her lap as she had done so many years ago.

Mary was in heaven, holding the Babe in her lap. It is the truth of our Christmas story.

Christmas blessings to each of you and your family and friends.

Sorry Folks, Norton Did Me In.

I haven't been able to go to my blog because Norton updated its security settings and "set me" out of the blog! So it cost me $130 and 2 hours of the local computer geek's time to straighten it all out.
Including the set up of a web cam-I got one for the grandkids so we will "see each other!" Not sure how it will work but I know we will figure it out.

So what has been going on in my life?
Had a great time in Florida at Thanksgiving.
The retirement monies have not been released by the financial corporations holding them, so I don't know how much I will receive but who wants to read any thing from the market, Heh?

I still have not packed up the ornaments to send to relatives; but "tomorrow, tomorrow" I hope.

I need to get serious about a lower rental for myself after 1/1/09, I hope I can find one.

May you holidays be filled with many blessings and many good happenings in 2009!

Contrast in Family Dynamics

As a hospice chaplain, I have had the privilege of experiencing many different kind of relationships and family dynamics. As hospice professionals we know we cannot "fix" relationships nor is that our role. We accompany the family and patient into their last goodbyes and the family beyond for a year as they grieve and "grow into new roles and understanding" of who each person is now that a family member/friend has left their presence for ever.

Friday I met two new families and their family members who were their patients. In both instances it was "dad/husband" who is in the dying process. Both families made deep impressions touching on themes from my own spiritual and emotional life. The challenges of both families are deep and the struggle to hope/let go is strong.

The first family gave me the gift of a man prepared for death, accepting death although "young-60" and a family who loves him and is at his side. In my six years of hospice chaplaincy I have met so few the number of those persons so full of faith that death "carries no sting" that I can count them on one hand. This man I will call him Joe as was Chicago's Cardinal Joe Bernadine who taught us so much about dying. A man who challenges me to live deeply each day so that I may let go and into God without looking back when my death waits.

Joe talked of his love for his wife as she wept by his bedside. Joe had already talked to his four sons and told them, "Take care of your mother." He said, "They will take care of her." I wept too. His faith and his love for his wife is so strong, I know I wept for the relationship his family was loosing in the loss of his presence.

More though, I wept for what I did not have in my own marriage relationship and only recognized at Jason's bedside and Dow's and my interactions at Walter Reed. We were never emotionally connected or intimate. It was clear when one of us would die similar words would not be said. I honor the love between a man and a woman-the sign of wholeness within each of us. This couple achieved it, the blessing of a life well loved; one a painter one a cleaning woman. Wholeness comes with the living of life deeply not money, nor position nor ethnic group.

To honor their love and fidelity and their grief in losing each other, we had a communion service at bedside. I offered the pix to each and invited husband and wife to give the "Body of Christ" to each other. "Your love is the Body of Christ for one another and for the world," I commented as my tears weld up. It was all I could offer to honor who they are, sign of God's loving compassionate presence in the world.

To contrast with this loving scene:
I called another family I will call the patient Phil and his son Phil Jr. to introduce myself and to see if I could make a visit. I was very hesitant as this family "is difficult" as we say in hospice. The visit turned out to be over 2 hours long as I listened to the son's story.

The patient was an active alcoholic. The son, an only child, is estranged, angry, hostile. "I do what I have to do" he repeated. As he told me the horrors of his father's alcoholic behavior. Now his father is bedridden and death is quickly approaching. Phil Jr. cannot admit it but he grieves the loss of a father he never had but who he dreams of and a mother still alive but now with dementia. He called her "evil" at one point in the conversation.

I identified with Phil Jr's emotional position. I saw myself so clearly in his behavior as having walked for all my adult life in his shoes. Resentment and anger bubbling over directed by me at myself, Dow and Jason. Arising from my childhood wounds, I was not placed on the road to healing until I stood at Jason's bedside at Walter Reed. Now I try to take care of and love and get to know that wounded child within me. I have let go of the negative feelings and live in peace within myself and all whom I meet. I pray for healing for Jason and Lisa and my grandchildren. I could not judge Phil Jr as I am Phil Jr. I behaved like he is, I saw myself in him. I knew that if I could be an ally to him, I was really being an ally for myself. I knew I would walk with him as long as he permitted me to. I walked into and out of Walter Reed, I could walk with Phil Jr as he accompanies and provides for his father as he dies.

Phil Jr accused me of "leaving and judging him and analyzing his behavior and coming to conclusions." I reassured him I was not judging his behavior as he related how a home health agency had reported the care of his parents. The police had come and taken the parents to a hospital. No abuse was found but this incident has made Phil Jr mistrust all agency personnel.

He is hostile toward religion and "God stuff." However, both his parents were RC's. One of their wishes was to receive the Sacrament of Anointing. I promised that I would pursue this for the patient and his wife. I was successful and received a call from the parish priest saying that he had given the sacrament to the patient this morning (Saturday). I was very grateful for this blessing for the patient's wife as this is the only statement she made to me during the two hours, "Can he receive the Last Rites?"

The son decided during my visit that "You can come back and speak to her by yourself. I will leave the room. She may want to talk to you without me." I had given the spouse a very small three piece Nativity scene of porcelain (I try to give something away each year to my patients-a sign of God's presence with them.) She was very pleased and her smile was my reward.

Phil Jr kept saying, "You look at me directly. You look as if you are listening. I will trust you, I do not expect anything from other people." I think I won his trust for the day. I hope that having the priest come and give the sacrament to his parents provided support for Phil Jr. It is what we do in hospice. Walk the journey offering resources and support. And maybe an opportunity to heal relationships before they end in death.

Blessings everyone,
Hug those you love and tell them so.
Ask for forgiveness if necessary.
Grant forgiveness today.
Don't wait, do it now.
For you never know tomorrow you may die.

What kind of family do you want to leave to speak of you?
One that cries because you are leaving? or one that is angry and hostile?
One that says, "There are no good memories?"
Or won that cries while laughing about the good and happy memories.

We have a choice, we need to do the work.

I Know it Has Been a While!

I left for Florida ten days ago. I had a wonderful "spring/winter" break in the sunny seventies with only one day of rain. I arrived back with snow on the ground and 20 degree weather with the forecast "20's and sleet" for tomorrow as I return to the drive around Lake county and my patients. What an ending to my week with the grand kids. Last time I saw them it was Easter.

I spent the time with Lisa mostly as the kids were in school until Wednesday before Thanksgiving and returned on Monday. Connie, my sister came from Ann Arbor and also basked in the warm weather. They have gotten more snow than Chicago. Wednesday we all went to see "Bolt" a cute "girl and her dog" story just right for Ellie age 7, the boys were definitely nonplussed by it. Girl has dog, looses dog, dog finds way home! Have we heard that story before? Hmmm?

The downer came on my last day with Lisa and family. Don't know if you saw the "lining up" of Jupiter, Venus and the moon into a wonderful triangle! Won't happen again for about 50 years. They think this might have been the "Christmas star" seen at the birth of Jesus. I thought "that is interesting."

The phone rang and a voice spoke, I had turned on the speaker. I didn't know who it was, I asked, "Who is this?" A voice said, "Mom, I need to speak to Lisa right away!" Lisa had come into the room and said, "That's Jason, mom." He said nothing more as I gave the phone to Lisa. Jason had called to tell Lisa about the stargazing opportunity. I didn't even recognize his voice after two years! I felt so hurt. But as I thought about it, "This is Jason and our relationship does not exist." I must accept the behavior as logical for him. I pray that we will reconcile, will we? I will never know until we do.

On the upside, I answered a call from Dow's sister Nancy looking for Jason and we chatted for a few moments. There was no animosity in her voice and she said, "Good talking to you."

One More Day for Obama

I headed out this morning
1. Attended the Tuesday morning peace vigil at the plaza. The Federal building is located at Dearborn and Jackson in downtown Chicago. I looked at the streets surrounding the building. They were lined with Homeland Security white SUV's on the Federal building side. Then it hit me, by the end of today, the office of the next president of the USA may be located in this building. That is why all the HS boys in black outfits with guns, radios, etc. I wish I had a camera. It became real to me. This is election day and the next president might be from Chicago, Illinois!

Both Senators Durbin and Obama have offices there. Every Tuesday we take 2 copies of the weekly flyer to them. This morning Br. Brian and Sr. Mary Kay were escorted by three security folks to the offices and down. Mary Kay told them, "We are not planning an action this morning." They replied, "That's okay mam." Stuck to them like glue. I thought what a hoot. Two folks from our peace group have been making that trip for 7 years!

Br Brian and I had a good laugh about "being excommunicated" for attending the ordinations of the women on Saturday. I asked Brian, a brother in the RCC, "Brian, how does it feel?" He quickly replied, "Freeing!" All the feedback I have received has been very positive except for the exclusive language of the hymns. (They cut and paste the words with out cleaning them up. It will be my feedback to the planning committee.)

Four of us went off to have coffee before heading home. Mostly we talked about the election!

2. Then on to the MD's for a check on my hemoglobin which is low. I have to keep taking the 18mg of iron each day until she gets the results back from the blood tests. My blood pressure was up but I said, "It is the excitement of the election day!" She decided to give me my flu shot because I hadn't received it from work yet.

3. On to the Dominick's grocery to get a shingles vaccine shot, recommended for we over 65. That little puppy cost $214 with a copay of $30 for me. But I know how painful shingles can be and I do not ever want to get a case of them. Hospice patients frequently get shingles because their immune systems are weakened. So get your vaccine if you don't already have it and are over 65!!

4. I had gotten some bulbs I wanted to force. After a discussion with my sister Judy and a call to a local flower/plant shop, I planted them in a dish and tucked them into the refrigerator for the mandatory 2 month cooling down period. Obviously if I wanted them for my birthday January 3, I should have started the process much sooner! Sigh. I will see if I will be successful. I know my mother of the green thumb always was, darn it. The remainder I tucked into the garden. Hopefully they will bloom next year. The bulbs I planted last year had already sprouted, dug a couple up by mistake. This is not good. They shouldn't sprout till next spring!

5. Then I decided, after reading my email, that I could spend some time making calls for Obama-they were focusing on Indiana after I personally voted. So off to the polls. Only one other voter there. Great time to vote immediately after lunch. I walked to the local state reps office about a mile away and got a list of voters to call. I made the third call to each number. After we finished with Indiana we started on PA but we ran out of time at 5:30. Everyone wanted to head to the Grant Park party for Obama!

6. I needed to come home and begin to clean and pack for this weekend when I will attend the Call to Action national conference in Milwaukee. I will facilitate a caucus "Support our Veterans, Support our Families." But here I am typing this blog and not doing the chores!

Prayers for the Election and Our Country

Our local Pax Christi offered to sponsor an Hour of Prayer for the Elections at St. Gertrude's here on the NE side of Chicago. Seven people came to the hour of prayer. The lighting was subdued in a RC church 100 years old. One small candle burned on a cloth in the front of the church. A side altar was filled with photos honoring the dead (The feast of All Souls and All Saints was this weekend.)

We had planned for a song, 1/2 hour of silence, a prayer, then a song and prayer to close on the hour. Our musician, who is a chaplain at a Children's Memorial did not come. I read my prayer of St. Francis for peace. Then we sat in silence.

I did not know what I would experience in prayer and the beautiful silence filled with peace just as on Saturday during the ordinations. An image of Jesus by my side appeared and "we were to walk the land asking blessings upon our country." It wasn't really an image but a "feeling/sense" that Jesus was present with me. I found us at the collapse of the Twin Towers just as I had 9/11 during prayer. Jesus held my hand as we asked for the blessing and healing of our country at this site. I began to weep, tears streamed down my face throughout the prayer which lasted about 30 minutes.

Next we headed to MA, I had seen whales off of Boston and we blessed the creatures of the sea. We had visited an Audubon Bird Sanctuary where my sister Judy had worked years ago, I think CT, we returned there to bless the birds of the air. We blessed the East coast, tide pools and the ocean. Then to Rochester NY where I attended Mary Ramerman's ordination. Blessing Niagara Falls in all their beauty.

Philadelphia where I attended a Matthew Fox week long seminar on Creation Spirituality. On to Michigan and my birthplace-Detroit, Southfield of my childhood, the Mackinac bridge, Taquamenan Falls. We went to WI and the beauty of the Lake where I heard my first loons, and saw the great migration of Canada geese-wave after wave over head. To IL and the beauty of Chicago, and the huge lake of lotus found in S. IL. Headed to Mt Rushmore and the beauty of S. Dakota. The mountains of Montana and the hot springs. Washington State and Mt St. Helen's. Down to CA and the redwoods and the Pacific ocean. The mountains and lava beds of Idaho.

Jesus and I blessed each place, all sacred ground. Prayers for our country had become prayers for the earth itself. Down to New Orleans, I graduated from LU-NO with my masters in theology. Ft. Stewart in GA where Jason was stationed with the 3rd ID. Down to FL to Gainesville and Jason and Jodi-blessings on their engagement. To Tampa and blessings for Lisa and her family.

Then I found myself back at Walter Reed, walking the halls of the hospital and praying for all the wounded soldiers and their families and friends. Our country is so beautiful and its people need a vision and leadership worthy of them. It was good to be able to hold our country in my prayers and in my heart.

We gathered in a small circle, held hands and asked God's blessings as we vote tomorrow.
I am so thankful to have taken the time for prayer for our country.

Work for Obama, Vote for Obama!

I headed out to Gary Indiana this morning to go door-to-door for Obama.
I had two different partners: Darryl, in his 30's, African American. His son attended the same pre-school as Obama's daughter. Darryl met Michelle at school functions. The second a single mom Pam; my age with a daughter who had to move from New Orleans because of Katrina. She is living in Atlanta but wants to go "home" to NO. She too is an African American. We all found common ground on economic justice issues.

We went to a third world part of the city.
I had my camera but was ashamed to take a photo.
My heart wept for the good people of America forced to live like in broken down homes
because we as a nation do not believe that the "common good" exists.
So many were seniors.
I know how much they need to have help to maintain and remain in their own homes.
One of the windows had a bullet hole.
Most folks would not come to their door but spoke through it.

There were burned out homes, boarded up homes, few kept up lawns or wooden parts of their homes like porches, front doors.

Obama brings the promise of change because he has lived and worked in such places as these. He has visited Kenya. AND Obama does not deny his roots but says, "Let us work together so all children can reach the position I have today."

I was so happy to be in this neighborhood. My heart said, "America needs to reawaken to its communitarian roots. We need to learn that we are all one and to live it." I call it Christianity. What a way to spend the day. It brought back my own living in poverty in the Michigan of my childhood. My father was a janitor and we had a family of seven children.. We had no hot water till my teens. We drove to Hamtramack each week so my mother could wash clothes and we could take baths. My mother and dad grew our food.

I wanted to take them all in. To work together to rebuild the broken homes, so many people are homeless, these homes are needed. Obama has his work cut out for him. I think he is up to it. We have our work cut out for us. We ARE up to it! Let us change the paradigm of selfishness to sharing. The future is ahead of us and I have hope.

You still have a day, get out and help his campaign however you can.
So many of the people we contacted had already voted,
help folks in your neighborhood get to the poles.

Four Women were Ordained Today

I have been a member of the Roman Catholic Church all of my life.
I have been a member of the Women's Ordination Conference for at least 30 years.
I was a board member from 1999 to 2005.
I have been called to the RC priesthood since the early 1980's.

In the year 2002 seven women were ordained on the Danube. Rome immediately excommunicated them (Rome never excommunicated pedophiles nor the bishops that moved them from parish to parish-to victim after victim)

I have been to 7 ordinations of women. Two at Rochester NY, Canada, KY, MN, MO, and now Today for the first time Chicago! We have 3 more candidates preparing in the Chicago area.

The ceremony was held at St. Paul's UCC church in Lincoln Park. The music was outstanding. About 375 people came! The most poignant moments for me were in that part of the ritual called the "Laying on of hands." This is done in total silence. First the bishop lays her hands on the four ordinands, then all priests and clergy who have been invited, then members of the congregation invited to do so by each ordinand. The congregation became silent, the quiet deepened as each of the persons called forth gently layed his/her hands on the head of each women. Blessing upon blessing as we decended into the reality of kindom of Godde being made manifest. What a gift of Peace for my soul. In the quiet stillness of my soul, Godde's love poured out and forth to all whom shared the very same space. I prayed especially for Jason and Jodi and their coming marriage one year from now.

It is the experience of Christmas and Easter and reconciliation and healing all at the same time. The fullness of being. That wonderful gift of Godde.

October 14, 2008 3rd Anniversary of Wounding of Jason

The Perfect Fall Weekend! October 11-12, 2008

It is Sunday evening.
I thought I would write about this weekend.
Saturday was the 6 th anniversary of Congress authorizing the Bush administration to go to war.
About 20 marches were held around the country. To keep the focus on ending this war before the candidates at the local and national level. I was on the ad hoc planning committee in Chicago.

We decided to go to the Pakistani/Indian community in N Chicago, a neighborhood called Rogers Park. Police presence was minimal, the weather in the 70's and the sun was in a clear blue sky. See the photos:

[ http://chicago.indymedia.org/newswire/display/84181/index.php ]

I am the woman in a sunhat at the far left of #7 photo of three folks. I am holding a yellow sign that says, "Bring the troops home now."

The march was a short one; less than a mile. The speakers at both opening and ending rally were wonderful. A very diverse group of folks almost all from the neighborhood itself. For the first time we permitted political candidates. Only the Green Party candidates would agree to our condition that they must support our demands 100%. So we had local GP candidates speak.

This is a portion of our flyer for the event:

Stop War For Empire Bring ALL Troops Home Now!
Out of Iraq, Afghanistan, Pakistan • No War on Iran • End the Occupation of Palestine

OCTOBER 11TH marks SIX YEARS since Congress gave President Bush a blank check
authorization to invade Iraq. Hundreds of thousands of occupying forces remain there, and
the Democratic and Republican Presidential candidates are committed to permanent U.S.
military bases in the country, despite the wishes of the Iraqi people.

It’s been six years since the Iraq War authorization and the wars have gotten wider still. Over 1 million Iraqis are dead, and this year more U.S. troops have been killed in Afghanistan than any year since that war began. American special forces are operating inside Iran as the U.S. makes repeated threats of full scale war against that country.Now U.S. troops are invading and launching missiles into Pakistan against the express wishes of the Pakistani people and government.

At the end of June Congress gave $162 billion for the wars in Iraq and
Afghanistan, and now is on the eve of giving an astounding $700 billion
more to bail out Wall Street. They are using the billions from our taxes for
war funding and corporate bailouts, rather than funding jobs, health care,
education, and other social services for all. Instead, they are scapegoating
immigrant communities with government raids and deportations.

Help us make a pre-election demand of ALL candidates running this election year:
• No more death & destruction — bring ALL the troops home now!
• Legalize the undocumented / Stop the raids and deportations
• Fund human needs, not wars abroad and Wall Street bailouts at home.

Initiated by the October 11th Ad Hoc Mobilization for Peace

______________

After the march, I and a friend from one of the peace groups-Near West side for Peace and Justice- John had never been on Devon before checked out a couple of the stores while we waited for the time of the Post-MN debrief/dinner at a local Indian restaurant. The serving was family style and a surprise for the planners over 50 of us showed up to hear the report about the government's abolishment of the the Bill of Rights before the RNC. They had a wonderful photo of two of the riot police standing with billy clubs ready before the State Capital with the caption "Minnesota: Land of Free Speech" NOT.

We talked and share our own experiences while in MN (Sorry I cannot get my MN entry to post. I get an HTML error). But what excited me most was a report from Matt who had just returned from Honduras and a gathering of peace and justice workers there. He said the people of SA/CA want to be in solidarity with us as we resist unjust laws and actions by the USA. They made plans (thank Godde for the Internet for quick communications) to surround/protest at US embassies in their countries when peace and justice workers are arrested HERE! Isn't this amazing! Can you feel the emotional and spiritual "net of relationships" being built? I call it building bridges between peoples!

I am awed at the actions of the suffering people of SA/CA to stand with us. I thought, "America is not being seen as a leader of the free world, but an oppressor of its own people" like the people of SA/CA have experienced since Europeans found their shores. *

We were fed both body and heart and about 7 PM it was time to head home for a good read of a murder mystery, my favorite relax past time! I couldn't put it down and wound up reading to midnight which leads to puffy eyes in the morning.

Sunday:

Time to head for church, I woke up early and finished the mystery, I couldn't believe I did that. Being single has its advantages! I jumped out of bed, showered and headed to my small faith community of reformed RC's who meet in a Lutheran Uptown Ministry. Our circle is filled with the needs of humanity:

• A mother praying for her son's appeal for new sentencing to be given this Friday
• An immigration lawyer celebrating her latest victory for an illegal immigrant and putting them on the path to legal status in the US
• A prison worker praying for a woman prisoner and her suffering
• Prayers for family members who are ill, who will undergo surgery
  
• Prayers for the unemployed, homeless
• Prayers by one of our regular members-off the street but who might loose his housing
• Prayers for peace and healing from war-especially for myself and Jason
• Prayers for the election; for good leaders
  
• Prayers for the environment; our responsibility and its healing
  
• Prayers to celebrate the march on Saturday and the diversity of peoples of our nation
  

I love my faith community and our humanity in its goodness and failings. It truly is a feast-the theme of today's Good News. When we pass the bread I always say, "We are the Body of Christ" and "We are the Blood of Christ" for the juice. Try it, it is a radical, revolutionary theology of God and Godness in us! No other way to understand the Mystery of God. As the Hindus say, "Nemaste" "The God in me greets the God in you."

Then after church I took one of the homeless/unemployed woman to lunch at the Cafe next door. We talked about her job prospects which are poor and her need to find a new apartment as she is in the process of being evicted for not paying rent. This IS our economy and it sucks except for the wealthiest Americans. There is no safety net, no community of helping the least amongst us. I had my Peach smoothie, soon it will be too cold for that but today it was another sun-filled autumn day, almost 80 degrees.

At 1 PM I was found at the Polish Museum of America on Milwaukee Ave for Polish Heritage Day! Polishmuseumofamerica.org/english/ActivePagesPMAHomeEnglish.htm

Yes! I wish I had begun to explore my Polish heritage so much sooner. There are Polish schools held on Saturdays in Chicago where children from kindergarten 12th grade learn Polish, the arts, etc. Once a year for the last ten years, the PMA celebrates their achievements and honors their volunteers, friends etc. We end with a wonderful...Polish meal! cooked by Kashi's a famous Polish restaurant. I skipped lunch to prepare myself-leaving lots of room to eat a sampling of it all! Peroigi, gawumki (sp) -pigs in the blanket, blintzes, potatoes and cheese-I can't think of the name but my mother's could not be beat!, veal cutlet, cooked baby carrots, bread and butter, desert was crushekes (sp)

The children were wonderful: the dancers-two troops dressed in traditional costumes were lovely. Poetry was read in Polish, a Chopin piece played well. But the piece-De-resistance was 30 young violinists dressed as "cowpokes" playing "Turkey in the Straw" We clapped along and watched them as the did "dance while playing" in bare feet. It was truly too precious! That's what happens with assimilation into a culture done well! :-) Recognition for artistic efforts was given-3 for each age cohort through high school. The art was cute to amazing, one by a middle schooler was an impressionistic garden and cottage. A special award for a wood burning of the Polish eagle, very well done.

At dinner I sat at my assigned table and met a couple probably well into their 70's. I'll call them Mary and Joe to protect their privacy. They were supporters of the museum's art program. Live in Lake county so don't get to many of the events. She was wearing a beautiful necklace of amber and earrings to match. We introduced ourselves and Joe began to tell me his story to my question about his connection to Poland. "I was a resister against the Nazi's sent to the concentration camps. I was 17." Joe was caught smuggling a sub machine gun. His camp was first Auschwitz then he was moved to one in Austria.

He described the cruelty of the camps:

You may have seen the camp pictures: 1000 inmates to a cell, 7 people slept "only room to sleep on your side" three levels high, on platforms made of wooden planks. The clothes you were wearing when you came in were the only clothes you would ever have.

Guards who would hit the prisoners with wooden "planks" to make them move quickly out in the morning. Some died that way. Guards who used screwdrivers to kill prisoners. Guards who used their hands to break necks. "They had no guns, they used weapons they created."

Guards who would throw cigarettes into the "dead zone" between the two fences that surrounded the camp. Prisoners would think they could quickly jump the low fence, grab the cigarette and get back. They died in their attempts, for a cigarette; the guards shot the prisoners-more kills meant more days off.

Joe lived because he did not give away his bread. Prisoners who traded bread for cigarettes died of starvation. Joe said, "I quit smoking the day I walked into the camp."

He talked of having to carry bags of cement as heavy as himself. "If I had had to carry that bag another day, I would have died." His jobs rotated throughout the camp.

He saw other resisters, then Joe never saw them again.

He said, "I have lived a very interesting life." After the war Joe worked for GE on secret communication systems for the US. Family members in the US found him through the Red Cross. Being liberated happened like this: one day the Germans were gone from the camp. The Americans had not yet arrived. Joe walked out and didn't look back. He made his way to England and on to the US.

I thought "This is not the conversation I expected during dinner." My chaplain experience said, "Listen and hold his grief." That is what I tried to do. I thanked Joe for sharing his experience. I thought of the PTSD he must have. Joe was able to smile, he has done well financially and they have travelled the whole world and visited every state in America.

I told him, "I have also suffered the trauma of war." I told them the story of Jason and my time at Walter Reed. It in no way compares with what Joe experienced, yet secondary PTSD for me was horrific. I know the memory of my time at Walter Reed will never be forgotten, the memory is as alive as Joe's 60 years after his experience of WWII concentration camps. Some experiences burn the soul as the wood burning of the art exhibit.

After the dinner was complete and BTW Polish affairs always include door prizes. Yep, they had drawings for donated items. We had "entered" by writing our names on the back of our dinner tickets. I thought, "This is a crazy custom." It reminded me of wedding and baby showers. We Polish are a funny lot. Everyone attending definitely looked middle class and really didn't need a "pen, pad of paper, a kit with aspirin and band aides and museum postcard."-our table favor.

It was about 4 PM and I had planned on going to the Lakeshore park at Montrose and take one last walk on the beach. The weather is to turn cool later this week. I drove the 5 miles upshore and easily found a place to park. I changed my shoes, put on my sunhat and began to walk: through the bird sanctuary filled with small migrating birds this afternoon. I headed for the roped off dune rehab area. I hadn't walked there all summer. Today it was filled with leg attacking burrs, shades of my childhood, walk-pick them off, walk-pick them off, nasty, nasty way for seeds to grab a ride!

One surprising discovery: Mushrooms grow on sand dunes. I am serious. I even took a picture because I didn't think anyone would believe me. I found them once, then I found them again! Small and a deeper brown than the sand itself. I cannot figure out how the mushroom spore got there and waited patiently until the rains came and "up it popped." Mother Nature is truly awesome and humbling.

I am so thankful to be alive. To be here in this time and place. I give thanks for life in this week that holds the anniversary of Jason almost loosing his life in war.

Blessings and may your fall days be filled with beauty.

*(Columbus Day is Monday-we are having protests to abolish it and replace it with Indigenous People's Day. I encourage you to have one in your town! Columbus didn't discover the continents; millions of people already lived here for 1000's of years. The Europeans did a great job of wiping them out mostly through disease and war for gold.)

At the Bank; An Identity Shift Occurred: One Month Out

For our 35 year relationship Dow controlled all our finances and "I make the income" controlled our family decisions as well. Unconscious this vulnerable, no-control position undermined my self esteem until I became silent in "our" home. Dow was not a "benevolent dictator" emotionally and spiritually. He often talked about being a "king of his castle." Looking back he was.

I had this dream about Jason, Dow and I after the divorce was final:

Three refrigerators were sitting in a garage. The garage lights were on. Extra locks had been added to each one of them. Jason and I were there. The friges made an L shape. Jason was standing next to them and I was looking at them and Jason. Jason had his arm and eye, lost almost 3 years ago (10/14/05) N of Baghdad to an IED.

I think the friges are ourselves and relationships within our family. We lived in a cold, locked world within ourselves. Not able to be open because of the emotional and spiritual coldness in our family. "Locked away" in a frigid world. And so we are to this day. Each of us separate from the other.

This week I received a check for 1/2 the value of the condo which Dow and I had completely paid off. I think he never had the value re-reevaluated because of the 11 other condo owners. I received probably 30% more than I could have under today's market prices. Although the condo is strategically located all the condos in Chicago have lost money. Dow did not want to be the first to devalue his property. He has to live with these folks and was the President of the Condo Board for many years. Also he might have gotten a higher amount loan and is using it for his own expenses, ie replacing some of his retirement account. All played to my benefit.

With the check in my hands, I looked at it and said, "Holy shit, I am in control of this money for the first time since 1974" and best invest it wisely. So first an email to my financial planner. I had seen an add for 4% CD for 6 months at Citigroup. She said, "Good idea put it there for now."
So I headed to the bank as I want to leave some money in the checking to pay off bills, etc.

A light bulb went off, or my intuition, or my financial guardian angel whispered, "Ask Harris what they can do for me." So I stepped up to the window and asked, "Citigroup is offering 4%. Can you beat that?" The teller looked at the check, I am sure the largest he had seen this morning and said, "I'll get you our officer."

I head to the desk and was warmly greeted by this "kid" who looked about 21. I thought, "I should trust my life savings to him?" Harris is owned by the Bank of Montreal a conservative institution and he promised did not have the debt exposure that American banks have. We chatted he gave me 4.25% for 7 months, reinvesting the interest. I put Lisa's name on the account so if I die, the money can pay for her children's college, at least some of it.

I felt very good about my transaction.
I felt very good about myself!
I don't know why I feel free,
I made a major financial decision on how to save these dollars for now and I am okay with it!
For so long I felt as if I had no right to make decisions, this one has me standing tall.

The sun is shining, I am heading for a peace march.
I am alive and thankful for this beautiful blue sky day.

I am also in the "giving away stage of my life."
I can't believe how easily it has been for me to give away my houseplants this week.
Some I brought with me from Blacksburg VA 12 years ago.

I gave two to a forming small intentional faith community.
I gave my mums in pots to one of the MFSO dads who just took them.
John said, "My daughter is on a rampage cleaning house, she's 17, and I dare not bring anything into the house!" His wife returns this week and if anything is left, I will offer to her.

Money being transferred today

Got a message from my lawyer. Dow's loan for 1/2 the condo has been approved. The company sent the check to my lawyer. My lawyer called me, "The check is too large for the mail. If I don't get it tomorrow, I will be away (I assume for the Jewish holidays) You can pick it up next week."

So I need to complete the divorce process:
1. 1/2 of the ever more shrinking retirement accounts to come.
2. Proof of insurance for the maintenance should Dow die before 10 years.
3. Access to photographs-one box which I could not lift from the storage unit.

I visited my Spiritual Director yesterday-1st time since the divorce.
She remarked on the difference of my energy "So positive" my posture, "You are standing tall" My smiles and my demeanor, all proof of the emotional and spiritual changes that have taken place in me over the last 3 years. Especially since the divorce was final during this last month.

I was even laughing as I told a friend about Jason's wedding on a Disney cruise October 31 2009
From what I was told by Lisa who talked to him.
Folks get on the boat Thursday or Friday.
They party-bachelor and bachelorette parties starting at Midnight.
The ship cruises to Nassau, everyone gets out to the sand, marriage ceremony takes 10 minutes
Then back to the boat to go to a Disney Island for the day.
Arrive FL next morning-I think Sunday.

I do not know if I will be invited.
I thought if I were to be invited; "I don't drink and I have never partied; what will I do?"
I will bring books to sit and read on the deck in the sun/shade.
Enjoy the outings.
Be a polite guest along with my ex-spouse. (Good to write that)
Wish and pray only the very best for two young people
who deserve only the very best in their lives.
Holding Jason and Jodi in my heart ever so tenderly.

I don't know what I will get them for their present whether I attend or not.
I have a year to "think on it."

Sat in October-one month out from the divorce

Next week it will be a month for the divorce to be final.
The first month of the rest of my life.

I have been working 2 part time jobs as a Chaplain for hospice.
I like my second PRN position in that the team is very small and we meet once every two weeks and cover our 15 patients. I am hoping to be able to retire in January 2009 and work less.
This hospice reminds me of my years working in Blacksburg Va to start a hospice there.

I continue to look to change my living situation. Very difficult to pursue alternative housing in Chicago. I can't get a hold of the person who manages "House sharing" for the City. I really would like to do that.

I am busy with the preparation for the ordination of 4 women as Roman Catholic priests and deacons which will take place November 1 in Chicago. I cannot believe that we have only October meetings to go! 2 to be exact. Right now it looks like about 250 folks will attend. A nice congregation.

I am busy with the planning of a March for October 11, the anniversary day of the authorization for Bush to go to war in 2001. I feel so sad as I approach the 3rd anniversary of Jason's wounding in Iraq, October 14. Being part of a march for peace brings comfort for my grief. It is so hard because Jason has not talked to me for almost 2 years. So all my memories of him are those at Walter Reed. I have no memories to replace those days, each one a year of my life, at his bedside praying that Jason would live. As I type, I cry, it is okay for it means that my heart is tender with love for my only son and all those injured in war throughout time.

I am human, I can feel the suffering. I dedicate my life to ending war. I will speak for peace at DePaul University on the 20th. Telling the story of my activism, another way to heal the grief. To put out the call for others to join me in healing the world of war.

At the same time I am trying to finish the "financial transfers" required by the divorce. Of Course, Dow is doing nothing to finish the process. He hasn't gotten a loan for 1/2 the condo, while I gave him a quit claim the first week of July. Dow hasn't gotten to me a life insurance policy that provides me with maintenance should he die. I haven't heard anything about 1/2 of his retirement funds. I found I can't change my name on one of the accounts. I have to have a special medallion approval from a banker. I went to the bank...not so fast, she needed a copy of the account on which I would change my name! Back again I must go next week.

Also have a meeting with the SS folks to see how much I would receive under Dow's credits if I retire in January. I know my life style must change but I sure do like the freedom I have!

So...the divorce is still not over with all this paper work hanging out.

I will go to a fall gathering of the Corpus priests and their wives tomorrow way out in the suburbs. It is good to be with folks who followed the call of the Spirit in their personal lives. It gives me courage to follow the Spirit Sophia in my own.

Blessings everyone.

After Divorce: A Fall Saturday

I thought I would write about my "typical" Saturday as a 65 year old single woman, gray haired and a bushy tailed grandma of 3!

I slept in till 7:30, a real treat as most days I am up at 6 AM.

My bank had dropped my daughter's name off my checking account so spent time chasing them on the phone to see if I could correct it. They promised me they would "get right on it." I tell you changing my name on accounts is really taking a lot of extra time. Nothing is done easily.

I must give Social Security credit, that bureaucracy knows how to move! I have both my new social security Catherine Borkowski-Zatsick and my medicare card! Arrived today. I love my name but don't sign it, too long for most of the little boxes. So I am signing it Catherine Zatsick-the first shall be last and the last first! So they got them to me in less than 3 weeks! Great jobs all you SS'ers.

The mail came in and included a letter from LU-C setting up a COBRA account if I want it for $400 a month. Can't afford and so glad I am on Medicare with AARP supplemental for Part B and D (drugs.)

The squirrels got into my potted plants on the porch again! This time 4 pots! I mistakenly did an act of kindness and put out peanuts for them. So the little devils went digging to plant them. The thing is I have not found peanuts in the pots so... Never again until the frost takes my annuals! So repot, clean up, rewater for an hour.

I ate a leisurely breakfast of Kashi sweetened cereal and bottled Starbucks Mocha Frappucino, my only addiction-one a day all year round.

Then on to work. Because of the divorce I had not made any visits for my part, part time chaplain position with a woman who is trying to start her own hospice. I have spent hours on the phone this week "for telephone visits" but I needed to be out and about. I hadn't visited all the month of September. I feel a lot of Catholic guilt about my patients.

So I headed to a nursing home 20 miles away to visit with 3 folks with dementia. Two are non-verbal, but one woman is what we call in hospice, "Pleasantly confused." She was waiting for her brother, her daughter. She was a dear this morning but her attention lasts about 2 minutes and any movement distracts her. As people with dementia regress in learning through the decades I thought, "Ms E. you have the attention span of a two year old." She is still able to feed herself but is confined to a wheel chair. We had a very pleasant "in the moment" visit. Ms E was "thankful for the visit" and wants me to return. Tomorrow I will visit some patients in another nursing home.

Then on to the fitness connection in the armory nearby. I spent an hour and 1/2 on the elliptical walker and weight machines. I really enjoy this fitness connection as it is small and I usually have the place to myself. Today however, being Saturday there where about 5 rowdy young teens, cute as the dickens but really giving the machines and themselves a workout. They couldn't stay on the machine long but would do the max, then move to another. I really enjoyed watching and listening to them but it was definitely not a "quiet time to read my magazine" as I am want to do when I work out.

I returned home to return a call to my sister Connie who is recovering beautifully from her right hip replacement. She talked of how she enjoyed the beautiful day at the market in Ann Arbor as it was filled with all of the bounty of the Fall harvest. Connie said, "It is truly wonderful to walk without pain." The miracle of modern medicine. Way to go Docs! Connie met a friend from church who is going off with her boyfriend to Northern Michigan to start organic farming. Connie has one week left of her sick leave (w/o pay) and then must return to work.

Connie and I both would love to be involved in such an endeavor. In fact I was thinking about a possible move to KY to be near a woman peace maker-friend. With global warming becoming ever more serious. and the economy collapsing, I have been thinking that working in a community garden with help for growing local food would be a nice way to retire. Then I could go to jail regularly to resist war and injustice and come home to eat wonderful food. Both Connie and I talk about the wonderful food we had as children. We lived on an acre and my parents farmed 1/2 of it. Tomatoes, cukes, corn, beans, squash, pears, apples, grapes, cherries. Oh my, oh my what healthy good tasting food.

We talked of the debate last night. She felt McCain is a forceful speaker on foreign policy but Obama was no slouch! I saw the very last part of it as I had attended a movie called "The Power of Forgiveness." See it if you can. The stories of forgiveness will knock your socks off. And you will learn what power love is. We showed it as part of our Pax Christi monthly evening of the Conscientious Projector Friday night.

Connie and I talked about 40 minutes sharing how beautiful our Midwestern fall is. I don't know if it is or it is beautiful because the divorce is finalized and I feel protected from Dow's dominance and abuse. Life is awesome.

I preside at a small Roman Catholic Faith community-usually about 12 folks. As I have written I am part of a Roman Catholic Women Priests-not that I am ordained, I think about it ever so often. One of the candidates to ordination must practice preaching so asked me if she could join us. I said, "Sure!" Alta has attended our service before so I know she knows she may be interrupted by people from the streets. But anyway I had to go out to make copies of the program and readings for the day. So off to Kinko's I went.

Then back home to make the bread for the service. There is an "authorized" bread that members make. Small loaves so it can be frozen. However, I like my own "real bread" that tastes like bread! I make cottage cheese dinner rolls. It makes 24 rolls, so I take half to give away and half I freeze. We use two of the rolls for the service.

I had planned to clean the kitchen but by 8:30 I was pooped so I thought I would take the time to record my "Fall Saturday" I will read a fun murder mystery before bed-the hero is a cookie baker that runs a shop called the "Cookie jar" and finds bodies around town; then lay my head on a pillow for sleep. Must get up early to gather things and pick up donuts for after the liturgy and Alta on the way. We arrive about 1/2 hour early so we can help set up.

Hope your Saturday was as beautiful as mine and as filled with blessings of hope and joy and sunshine wherever you call home!

The divorced life is a blessing for me.

I, an Iraqi Citizen, "Died" Today

At a meeting on Sunday, I heard of a witness for peace action today. We are planning a peace march in Chicago for October 11. It will be replicated all across America in towns large and small. The national peace community wants to draw attention to ending the war in Iraq, Afghanistan and Pakistan NOW. And to take care of our veterans when they come home especially for the mental health.

I participated in this witness for peace last year, I think about the same time.
The action is sponsored by the American Friends Service Committee (AFSC). Its regional offices are located in Grace Place downtown Chicago. All you need is a white sheet and the ability to lay quietly on granite in the Federal Plaza for about 1/2 hour.

The 50 "bodies" got in position spread out across the plaza, maybe 12 to a row.
The gong (from a Buddhist community) sounded once.
We all laid down and covered ourselves up from head to toe with the sheets.
(Having done this before most of us had something to lay our heads on, I used my backpack.)
The day was warm so the granite cooled me from the sun's heat.
A red carnation was placed on each of us.

I began to cry when Chris Inserra with her beautiful voice chanted the names of family members and ages-from pregnacy, to birth to their 80's, up to 25 members of Iraqi families killed throughout this war. I cried because I thought, "Among the names Chris is reading today, maybe included are persons killed by my son Lt. Jason and his men when they were in Iraq." I felt there were. My heart cried for their communities, families and for them; all casualties of this war. After each name was read, a gong was sounded.

Estimates are 1,000,000 Iraqis have died. This year American soldiers' names were not chanted, only Iraqis to focus the listener's attention on the human death and destruction we are responsible for. Speakers from Iraq whom I have personally heard have said, "There is not a woman, man or child living in Iraq who have not seen a dead body in the streets."

Micheal (AFSC) spoke of the "Surge not working" The numbers of deaths are down from 2007 but not 2003 or 2004. A study just released from UCLA (www.envplan.com/abstract.cgi?id=a41200) presents "light evidence" that is satellite photos that show in areas in Baghdad where the "surge is working" there are no people. The night photos show no lights which would be on if people lived there. It states up to 80% of the area has no lights.

After 30 minutes, the plaza grew quiet.
The names stopped.
Michael thanked us for our participation and said we could stand up.

I stood up and looked.
Police lined the street immediately in front of us.
They had their golf carts and semi-riot gear.
My heart twinged as I remembered the police brutality of St. Paul and the RNC.
I felt saddened again for those all those who loose their lives to violence-here, Iraq and throughout the world.

A woman was giving out extra carnations. I took another; one for each of my precious children as I remember the children of Iraq whose lives have been taken by war.

May you work for and be peace for others this day.
See you in the streets until we and the world are at peace.
For ourselves and our children down to the 7th generation.

What's It Like? Being Divorced?

I thought I would write a quick note as I have been away visiting my sister in Ann Arbor who is recovering very nicely from a hip replacement in early August. Connie can return to work October 6. However the downside in the news is: Probably another hip replacement in the spring of 2009, the other leg "Is just as bad" said the MD on Connie's check-in this past week. Connie is now feeling the discomfort in that leg as the other one is healing so nicely. That was Connie's first reaction after surgery: "I can't feel any pain!" Got to give it to the MD's and their hi-tech surgery, it only took an hour to "cut and paste" a liner to the hip joint, take off the top of the femur and replace it with a nice porcelain one!

"Shame on you" to the BC/BS of Michigan who refused to send her to a rehab center but sent Connie home 4 days after she came off the surgery table.

What I feel most about being divorced is that I am no longer afraid/fearful. I feel as if the divorce degree is a protective barrier around me, protecting me from Dow's emotional and spiritual abuse that I experienced during our marriage. I truly feel free. It is hard to put into words. Everyday I wake up and say, "THIS is my life!" I look forward to each day praying that I will be the Compassion of Jesus to all whom I meet. That is all I want to be to each and every person God puts in my life's path for the day and to the earth herself. It truly is enough for me. I hope that when I die my family and friends will say, "Katy lived the Compassion of Christ."

As I type I weep,
For all of my life I lived in the dark night of my soul.
Now I am not.
My life is filled with many blessings,
May your life be filled with many blessings, too.
This first day of autumn.
It is beautiful here in Chicago.
Sunny and 70.

September 8, 2008 10:50 AM: This is the First Day of the Rest of My Life

"What a day this has been..."

Up at 6:30 AM for a breakfast of Kashi, Starbucks Frappucino and vitamins. Off to the train where I saw a young woman with an Obama button. When I see one I say, "Thank you for wearing it." And usually a passionate conversation follows. Today was no different. The woman's parents were long time Republican voters. Became supporters of Hillary, when she didn't get it and McCain chose Palin they both returned to the Republican fold without a "looksee at her policies." I thought "How crazy can this get?" "Sarah in no way is a Hillary" to paraphrase.

Anyway, we both got off at Monroe and I headed to the Corner Bakery as I got downtown way to early for the 9 AM meeting with Judge Boyd. I sat at a table and made out a list of all the places I needed to change my name. (Just thought of another one, Amtrak Rewards) I headed to the 1600 floor and Dow was sitting on a bench without his lawyer.

Sad to say, I was loud and blunt, "Dow please sign the auto title and another form" to transfer ownership to me. I asked him about the photos-only thing left in the condo storage unit. He said he didn't know and didn't plan on going down there for at least a month. I gave Dow the condo keys and the storage keys as I had signed over the quit claim deed to the condo. I didn't feel right keeping the keys and honestly didn't want them anymore. I want to "be free of it/ and all that connects me to Dow Scott." I told him the settlement gives me 30 days to get everything out of the condo, Dow said, "Katy, I won't do anything." I replied, "All I have is your behavior" referring to Dow stopping payment on the maintenance check as an indicator of his behavior.

I went into the courtroom, Dow's lawyer showed up with Rebecca the colleague with the cell phone from 8/14. I told her that my lawyer called and said he would be late and we should get a courtroom and go to it. At that point, Scott came in. He got a check for $4125 which is the amount from the furniture and $1000 toward my Visa which Dow said he would pay. (This syncronistically is the same amount I owe my lawyer. I wondered if Scott knew this but I don't think so.)

At this point we all moved to the 19th floor-Dow and his two lawyers, me and Scott. The room was cool and I was glad I had a jacket and my rain coat to keep me warm. Dow was reading a news magazine with a suit jacket and open dress shirt. The new judge was Elizabeth Loredo-Riveria, Hispanic. The lawyers all signed in to present their cases. Dow sat down next to a woman soldier in fatigues. My eyes teared, "Jason" my heart said. Three active duty soldiers would be divorced this session.

My lawyer came over to me with "Child Support Forms" said, "You have to complete as best you can." Why, who knows I filled out the names of my children and as much info as I knew about Dow. BTW, the forms use an actual sheet of carbon paper. I thought, "Whoa, this place is far behind the times or this is the most efficient way to do it." Sometimes the old ways work!

The clerk who ordered the cases was a middle age woman an exact opposite of the court reporter in her twenties and a knock out. Long black hair, a silk blouse thing with a bow. She wore a bright smile and when I came before the bench a skirt that showed her well above the knees. I thought, "The judge certainly knows how to give the men something to focus their minds on."

Another surprise was the ordering of the cases. Both of our lawyers were bright young white- man and woman. The court staff were of color. Both of the white lawyers were miffed. The judge heard cases from Hispanics, the soldiers, Cambodian-with translator, Asian, women alone, a man alone and still the white lawyers waited. Scott made a grimace at Dow's lawyer "Like I don't know what the Judge is doing." Ah that "old white privilege" didn't work in this courtroom! I loved it. About 10:30 Dow and his lawyer left the courtroom not returning. Everything had been signed and agreed to. I didn't think Dow would stay as he has never taking responsibility for anything in our relationship. The divorce was a mutual decision, but I am sure he left to show his "disapproval" or he didn't want to officially be there to recognize the end of our legal relationship. Dow no longer controls me. Rebeca, the step-down lawyer stood in at the bench for Dow.

At 10:50 I was done answering "YES" in a loud voice to Scott's review of the provisions of the settlement so the cute court reporter could type it all up. The judge declared I had met the requirements of the law and the divorce was granted me.

Scott gave me the check I signed it over to him to pay his bill. (This would hit a snag, when he took it to deposit it, Scott was told he could not without my being there. I now have to write a new check and drop by his office on Wed morning and pick up Dow's check and deposit it. Sigh, nothing about this divorce is easy.)

He also gave me the copy of the order that divides the retirement money's in half. However as I read it after Scott had left, I saw that Dow's lawyer once again had sloppy technique and listed Christine Scott as the "alternate payee" No, I am definitely not Christine. Yipes, I called Scott and left a message on his phone. Then thought, "Wait a minute this belongs to Dow and we are divorced." I had no problem in calling his number and leaving a message. Dow said he caught the error the last time they met but obviously the lawyer failed to change it. Don't know how long it will take to correct this as Scott called me back and said, "She tried to correct it but the judge had gone to lunch." I doubt it not the way she has played this game. That woman is a consummate "lie directly in your face." She is definitely why lawyers have such a bad name.

I am going to complain about her conduct during this case, especially the 14 of August.

I headed home in the rain, it rained steadily all day. I thought, "Rain of tears or Rain to quench the fire of the experience of marriage and divorce." While I sat in Corner Bakery, Johnny Cash sang, "Ring of Fire" and I thought of the image of fire I experienced when I left Walter Reed. The rain is to quench the fire of my crucible experience. I needed to grow and it was only through the fire of life's experience that I have.

On the VM was a message from my daughter to whom I have not spoken since before I headed to St Paul and the RNC protests. My eyes teared as I had not expected her to call. She said, "How was it?" when I told her I had just gotten back from divorce court. I do believe she didn't call before cause she didn't want to face the fact that it is a reality, our marriage is over. I told her, "It was hard" and my voice choked.

People have asked "Why did it take so long?"
My answer has been "1. The universe wanted to give Dow time to grow emotionally and spiritually, he obviously chose not too or cannot grow. or 2. The negative energy of our toxic relationship continued to play itself out until there was no other option-his stopping the support check."

BTW I had asked my lawyer "How can I be protected from Dow Stopping Payment randomly just to harass me as he obviously did this time?" After the divorce was granted, I asked Scott again as he had not given me an answer. Scott said, "I have put in a court order. The money will be automatically deducted from Dow's paycheck and sent to the state which sends to you. This does mean it will take a couple of days longer to get your money. But you will get it." Scott also warned, "I have asked Dow to pay you directly for September as the order won't be able to take effect that quickly." So I thought "Dow gets a second chance to screw with me." Yech, somethings don't change-quickly enough. So I thought I had better be cautious with my money until the state gets its ducks in a row.

Also, Dow's lawyer informed Scott that Dow has NOT gotten an equity loan. My mouth fell open. Before Dow left for Australia-2nd week in July he demanded I give him a quit claim on the condo so he could apply for an equity loan! That was two whole months ago! So I did not get 1/2 of the condo money today. I thought, "What is it with Dow?" The man IS an unknown. I have no idea what his motives are. As my therapist told me, "Don't get stuck in Dow's $#@. Take action for his behavior (stop payment of check)." I know what I did all of our co-dependent nightmare of a relationship, I was stuck in his ignorance and unconsciousness. I assume at this point I will have to go back into court to get my money from the condo. I think Scott will have life-long employment as my lawyer.

After I headed out for the name changing tasks!
1. I knew I had to start with my driver's license as that is the ID of America. I had fun as the place is a maze. I walked in nothing is clearly marked and looked for someone who could help me. I went to a desk, "I am lost." "I am Bill" came the reply. He sent me to a "number man" who gave me a number-"You're 65 so you will get called quicker" Thanks, being 65 has advantages!

Then back to...Bill who was now sitting behind a desk for seniors and disabled. "Want to register?" 'Yes" "Want to donate your organs?" "Yes" Lots of Yes answers as with the judge. He gave me an eye test which was sorta funny. I could read the left/right sets of three numbers but not the center 3 so well. Oh well I passed and was sent to the cashier to pay my $10.

Then on to the photo section. First to a man who did something with paperwork, not quite sure what. Then on to the photoman who had me sign my name on a credit card signature, you know like target. Then a quick shot, "Sit down till we call you." In about 20 minutes there it was with my new/old name "Catherine M. Zatsick" I had to write it a couple of time today and did start with "SC..." than caught myself and corrected it. I don't think it will take too long as it is my name for the first 21 years of my life. It feels so good to leave Scott behind, I had come to anguish over the weight of that name for me.

With my drivers license in hand a stop at the library, oh you need a bill with your address too. She really had a hard time with the name change. Finally powwowing with another employee they decided the easiest for them would be to give me a new card. Meanwhile a line was forming behind me. But after about 20 minutes I got the new card with my new name.

I headed to the grocery to get a couple of items and realized "I hadn't had lunch" and it was about 4PM. Back home for a dinner then off to the book club.

We discussed a book called "Muldoon" This book speaks to a ghost in a RCC parish. What was neat one of the priests, now a bishop who experiened the ghost was present. Also the widow of the author once a priest and stationed at the church was present for the discussion. Really neat. Do you believe in ghosts? I do believe in the Communion of Saints. And my hospice patients experience the presence of those who have died. The author's wife has experiened his presence after his death. Two other people have had experiences with ghosts. They are all very similar. Ringing doorbells, moving clocks, toys, sounds. Just like the book relates.

It is getting late and I must get up early to work tomorrow.
So I am off to bed. All in all an eventful "first day of the rest of my life."
Blessings