At the Bank; An Identity Shift Occurred: One Month Out

For our 35 year relationship Dow controlled all our finances and "I make the income" controlled our family decisions as well. Unconscious this vulnerable, no-control position undermined my self esteem until I became silent in "our" home. Dow was not a "benevolent dictator" emotionally and spiritually. He often talked about being a "king of his castle." Looking back he was.

I had this dream about Jason, Dow and I after the divorce was final:

Three refrigerators were sitting in a garage. The garage lights were on. Extra locks had been added to each one of them. Jason and I were there. The friges made an L shape. Jason was standing next to them and I was looking at them and Jason. Jason had his arm and eye, lost almost 3 years ago (10/14/05) N of Baghdad to an IED.

I think the friges are ourselves and relationships within our family. We lived in a cold, locked world within ourselves. Not able to be open because of the emotional and spiritual coldness in our family. "Locked away" in a frigid world. And so we are to this day. Each of us separate from the other.

This week I received a check for 1/2 the value of the condo which Dow and I had completely paid off. I think he never had the value re-reevaluated because of the 11 other condo owners. I received probably 30% more than I could have under today's market prices. Although the condo is strategically located all the condos in Chicago have lost money. Dow did not want to be the first to devalue his property. He has to live with these folks and was the President of the Condo Board for many years. Also he might have gotten a higher amount loan and is using it for his own expenses, ie replacing some of his retirement account. All played to my benefit.

With the check in my hands, I looked at it and said, "Holy shit, I am in control of this money for the first time since 1974" and best invest it wisely. So first an email to my financial planner. I had seen an add for 4% CD for 6 months at Citigroup. She said, "Good idea put it there for now."
So I headed to the bank as I want to leave some money in the checking to pay off bills, etc.

A light bulb went off, or my intuition, or my financial guardian angel whispered, "Ask Harris what they can do for me." So I stepped up to the window and asked, "Citigroup is offering 4%. Can you beat that?" The teller looked at the check, I am sure the largest he had seen this morning and said, "I'll get you our officer."

I head to the desk and was warmly greeted by this "kid" who looked about 21. I thought, "I should trust my life savings to him?" Harris is owned by the Bank of Montreal a conservative institution and he promised did not have the debt exposure that American banks have. We chatted he gave me 4.25% for 7 months, reinvesting the interest. I put Lisa's name on the account so if I die, the money can pay for her children's college, at least some of it.

I felt very good about my transaction.
I felt very good about myself!
I don't know why I feel free,
I made a major financial decision on how to save these dollars for now and I am okay with it!
For so long I felt as if I had no right to make decisions, this one has me standing tall.

The sun is shining, I am heading for a peace march.
I am alive and thankful for this beautiful blue sky day.

I am also in the "giving away stage of my life."
I can't believe how easily it has been for me to give away my houseplants this week.
Some I brought with me from Blacksburg VA 12 years ago.

I gave two to a forming small intentional faith community.
I gave my mums in pots to one of the MFSO dads who just took them.
John said, "My daughter is on a rampage cleaning house, she's 17, and I dare not bring anything into the house!" His wife returns this week and if anything is left, I will offer to her.