Contrast in Family Dynamics

As a hospice chaplain, I have had the privilege of experiencing many different kind of relationships and family dynamics. As hospice professionals we know we cannot "fix" relationships nor is that our role. We accompany the family and patient into their last goodbyes and the family beyond for a year as they grieve and "grow into new roles and understanding" of who each person is now that a family member/friend has left their presence for ever.

Friday I met two new families and their family members who were their patients. In both instances it was "dad/husband" who is in the dying process. Both families made deep impressions touching on themes from my own spiritual and emotional life. The challenges of both families are deep and the struggle to hope/let go is strong.

The first family gave me the gift of a man prepared for death, accepting death although "young-60" and a family who loves him and is at his side. In my six years of hospice chaplaincy I have met so few the number of those persons so full of faith that death "carries no sting" that I can count them on one hand. This man I will call him Joe as was Chicago's Cardinal Joe Bernadine who taught us so much about dying. A man who challenges me to live deeply each day so that I may let go and into God without looking back when my death waits.

Joe talked of his love for his wife as she wept by his bedside. Joe had already talked to his four sons and told them, "Take care of your mother." He said, "They will take care of her." I wept too. His faith and his love for his wife is so strong, I know I wept for the relationship his family was loosing in the loss of his presence.

More though, I wept for what I did not have in my own marriage relationship and only recognized at Jason's bedside and Dow's and my interactions at Walter Reed. We were never emotionally connected or intimate. It was clear when one of us would die similar words would not be said. I honor the love between a man and a woman-the sign of wholeness within each of us. This couple achieved it, the blessing of a life well loved; one a painter one a cleaning woman. Wholeness comes with the living of life deeply not money, nor position nor ethnic group.

To honor their love and fidelity and their grief in losing each other, we had a communion service at bedside. I offered the pix to each and invited husband and wife to give the "Body of Christ" to each other. "Your love is the Body of Christ for one another and for the world," I commented as my tears weld up. It was all I could offer to honor who they are, sign of God's loving compassionate presence in the world.

To contrast with this loving scene:
I called another family I will call the patient Phil and his son Phil Jr. to introduce myself and to see if I could make a visit. I was very hesitant as this family "is difficult" as we say in hospice. The visit turned out to be over 2 hours long as I listened to the son's story.

The patient was an active alcoholic. The son, an only child, is estranged, angry, hostile. "I do what I have to do" he repeated. As he told me the horrors of his father's alcoholic behavior. Now his father is bedridden and death is quickly approaching. Phil Jr. cannot admit it but he grieves the loss of a father he never had but who he dreams of and a mother still alive but now with dementia. He called her "evil" at one point in the conversation.

I identified with Phil Jr's emotional position. I saw myself so clearly in his behavior as having walked for all my adult life in his shoes. Resentment and anger bubbling over directed by me at myself, Dow and Jason. Arising from my childhood wounds, I was not placed on the road to healing until I stood at Jason's bedside at Walter Reed. Now I try to take care of and love and get to know that wounded child within me. I have let go of the negative feelings and live in peace within myself and all whom I meet. I pray for healing for Jason and Lisa and my grandchildren. I could not judge Phil Jr as I am Phil Jr. I behaved like he is, I saw myself in him. I knew that if I could be an ally to him, I was really being an ally for myself. I knew I would walk with him as long as he permitted me to. I walked into and out of Walter Reed, I could walk with Phil Jr as he accompanies and provides for his father as he dies.

Phil Jr accused me of "leaving and judging him and analyzing his behavior and coming to conclusions." I reassured him I was not judging his behavior as he related how a home health agency had reported the care of his parents. The police had come and taken the parents to a hospital. No abuse was found but this incident has made Phil Jr mistrust all agency personnel.

He is hostile toward religion and "God stuff." However, both his parents were RC's. One of their wishes was to receive the Sacrament of Anointing. I promised that I would pursue this for the patient and his wife. I was successful and received a call from the parish priest saying that he had given the sacrament to the patient this morning (Saturday). I was very grateful for this blessing for the patient's wife as this is the only statement she made to me during the two hours, "Can he receive the Last Rites?"

The son decided during my visit that "You can come back and speak to her by yourself. I will leave the room. She may want to talk to you without me." I had given the spouse a very small three piece Nativity scene of porcelain (I try to give something away each year to my patients-a sign of God's presence with them.) She was very pleased and her smile was my reward.

Phil Jr kept saying, "You look at me directly. You look as if you are listening. I will trust you, I do not expect anything from other people." I think I won his trust for the day. I hope that having the priest come and give the sacrament to his parents provided support for Phil Jr. It is what we do in hospice. Walk the journey offering resources and support. And maybe an opportunity to heal relationships before they end in death.

Blessings everyone,
Hug those you love and tell them so.
Ask for forgiveness if necessary.
Grant forgiveness today.
Don't wait, do it now.
For you never know tomorrow you may die.

What kind of family do you want to leave to speak of you?
One that cries because you are leaving? or one that is angry and hostile?
One that says, "There are no good memories?"
Or won that cries while laughing about the good and happy memories.

We have a choice, we need to do the work.