Sunday July 22: A Day at Home in the Apartment

I have a some time before my overnight guest arrives. I was a pastoral coordinator in the mid '90's in Christiansburg Va, a community next to Blacksburg where we lived and Jason grew up till he went to college. My guest is Fr. Louis Benoit, priest of the Diocese of Richmond soon to retire. His family owns a farm in the western suburbs. We have stayed in touch these past 11 years since we left the New River Valley and Louie will spend the night before heading to his farm for the week. He wants to go out to dinner and to catch up on my story. I spent the day at home because I wasn't sure when his plane was going to come in at first-late 5:00 PM I find. So it was a relaxing day but with some tension, I think normal for this long pre-divorce time.

I was feeling down today as I had to go to the condo to pick up some items and to drop off some others. I knew Dow was in England with Jason and friends-four in all for the week to walk Hadrian's Wall. The abyss between Jason and myself is a wound like no other.

I arrived at the condo after liturgy and my heart was filled with dread and anguish, even being in the condo brought back all the feelings, the hurt, the pain of the marriage and relationship to Dow. I left the sun outdoors and entered the darkness once again. I wanted to flee as fast as I could. The house is empty and is not "my space." How weird as I remember how happy I was when I found it over the protestations of the realtor. Lake Michigan beach behind and a beautiful front yard, "by Loyola University." (Now being turned into a track-yech I am glad I won't see that when I sit in my front room.) I dread having to return to the condo and don't want to. Except I have to clean the storage items out. I know Dow will redecorate and "make it his own" and all memories of me will be gone from him forever. I guess it won't be long before another woman visits regularly or moves in.

I wonder what I will remember over time. What events, what happenings will my memory serve up in moments of grief and loss of what could have been and will never be. Sometimes I feel alone but not lonely, I am too happy to be free of Dow's control and constant demands on me. I feel so light from laying down the burden of being faithful to marriage vows without being loved emotionally, intimately in return. I have been in the desert. It is good to be with Living Waters flowing.

Today early I heard a crow outside my apartment. I always think of my dad who had a crow for a pet when I hear one. I also think of death. Fitting during this long wait to divorce and with two deaths for Lisa in this last week. The crow is also my protector. His symbolism is two edged for me: the love of a father who hugged me and death for the crow eats carrion.

So I did garden therapy this afternoon, not much to fertilize or to weed, but it took about an hour overall in the warm 80 degree sunshine/shade. I watered them with Miracle Grow which my mother used so many years ago. Good enough for me but I am going to have to find a cheaper brand next year. Going through it to fast.

After Louie leaves tomorrow morning, I will go make visits for the afternoon. I normally don't work on Monday but I have another friend coming in on Wednesday to see a play she has been trying to see for months. Margaret will arrive from Lapeer MI early afternoon. We will eat dinner, then go to the play. Then she wants to the ride a speedboat on Thursday before heading back to MI by train in the afternoon.

I feel as if I am having all my company this summer in two weeks! I hope more folks will take me up on "time in Chicago" as the year goes by. I extend the invitation to everyone and hope some will come. I feel pretty settled into my apartment after having Connie and Sylvia visit last week to celebrate Connie's birthday. I purchased four chairs from Pier 1 yesterday, had to take one back as it was missing its floor protector so was wobbly. The nice young 20 something male clerks happily fixed it with glue and a new "foot." I thought "Ah they will make a good husband/roommate some day." Dow hates to do anything around the house "I'll work and hire someone" is his lived statement.

I wish I had the tools as I need to hang some plant hangers and have asked the landlord-but that is not going to happen anytime soon. One of the peace folks has a relative who could help but lives on the South side of Chicago so I can't ask until I am ready to move furniture, hang paintings, etc. I hope within the month I will have the 2nd bedroom cleaned out and ask for help.