An Addendum to the Request for Maintenance

This happened a while back now-received the notice on June 21. I wanted to include it because I want to record how Dow's anger is expressed. I believe I wrote that when I asked for maintenance, via my lawyer who recommended it because "I don't know how long this divorce process is going to take", Dow immediately closed the joint checking and joint credit cards. I thought "Okay, that is really punitive and an angry response." So be it. If I have to live on peanut butter and jelly my peace of heart and soul is worth it!

I was NOT expecting the anger to keep spilling out! Next Dow is asking for sanctions against me!
"This honorable court enter an order requiring Catherine to pay the attorney's fees and costs of Dow based upon Catherine's untrue pleading set forth within paragraph.... (C) For any and all relief in equity as this honorable court deems fit and just.

I was stunned, dismayed and plunged into anxiety. Met with my lawyer. "What kind of trouble are we in?" I asked anxiously. He had not ever read the letter with attention. I live on $1700 a month. Dow's $1000 in maintenance "which he deigned to pay" does not even cover my rent. My lawyer had never heard of a request for sanctions in a divorce before! Neat uh? I am now in uncharted waters, depending on the judge to rule whether I have to pay over $5000 in Dow's court costs! Dow is angry because of the language of the petition "The allegations are the opinions and conclusions of Catherine unsupported by any fact whatsoever and should be stricken by the court." Actually they are the words of my lawyer who admitted "I speak strongly on behalf of my clients in court." I thought Scott you need to use the delete button or as Dear Ann Landers used to say, "Write and rip it up."

So here I am in the stew and the wait feeling like 9 months before delivery-this month to come stretches out ahead. Thank God I have my ministry and I am speaking for peace at two different events. I am helping in the plan for a peace morning at the local parish in Sept/Oct. I continue to preside once a month within my small faith community. I am attending non-violence training for the first time. I am sure Godde will provide "distractions."

My therapist insists that this delay is time to explore my own power and authority. Within the marriage, because of the mental and emotional abuse, I gave all up and plunged into depression and grief and anxiety for 30 years. I lost my will and Jason almost lost his life to the domination of Dow over our family relationships: spiritual, mental, emotional and financial. Dow who is unconscious of his own feelings and motivations. Dow who calls feelings "Bullshit, they don't solve problems." Sure, feelings don't solve problems! They are, instead, the very essence of the human experience of being alive. They call us to celebrate and share them or recognize the pain and work to change the situation so that we can be happy. I can only change the situation if I am healthy emotionally which because of my own childhood abuse and abandonment of my first husband I was vulnerable to Dow's emotional manipulation and domination. Not ever recognized clearly enough because it was always "my responsibility and fear." Even going through joint counseling I came away feeling lost and Dow the winner as the counselors always sided with Dow "I had the problem with the relationship; it was up to me to solve it."

I did "solve my problem and responsibility," I ended the relationship. I am resurrected. The feelings I have include both regret and peace, sorrow and joy and most of all freedom to walk in the sunlight of my own inner conscience and integrity. Most of all I am thankful, so deeply thankful into my bones and soul-to the very center of my psyche, to be alive and to be able to feel deeply and honor my own feelings. It is the gift of life itself. At 64, my therapist said this past visit, "You are looking good." Can't get any better than that an honest assessment of where I am at emotionally-good words from the man who has travelled so far with me these last 8 years and we never leave his office! I feel as if the stress keeps falling away, like layers are being peeled away so that I might "be in the world as I truly am" Godde is showing me the way, as Thich Nat Hahn says, "We make the path with each step." The steps can be minuscule, but I am taking them. :-)

On Tuesday I see my spiritual director. A wise Roman Catholic nun that I haven't seen in months due to scheduling conflicts. We will listen and hear to what Godde is speaking