And Then a Garden...

On Sunday I attended a circle of Cosmic Contemplators. We meet during the warm months on the shores of Lake Michigan. 7 women in their 50's and 60's sitting silently in the circle. We pray for peace for the planet, its healing and for all who live upon it. Before we met I took my exercise walk for 30 minutes on the shore paths and again visited the bird sanctuary at the site. It is so beautiful and filled my heart with the prairie flowers and water (runs all summer, turned off in winter) bubbling up with birds and rabbits everywhere. I was at peace in this place which is becoming more special to me each visit.

I thought you might enjoy the poem that we read for reflection at the beginning and end of our hour:

Woman at the Beach
by Ellen Olinger (taken from Womenpsalms)

Summer in Chicago:
Sky, water, sounds of the traffic,
Different tongues
and there you sit
Knitting on a rock with
Your bicycle near by,
Your light cotton dress,
White hair in a ponytail
And your youthful back---
All the young people pass by
Laughing
Carousing
Caressing
Wouldn't they be surprised
To know what you observe
As you sit quietly knitting
In the face of changing sky?
And won't they be saddened
To learn what you found out
A decade or three ago?
But they will be happy to
Return to this spot of summer
When their pain too has been
Absorbed by Another and they
Have enough serenity to sit
Knitting on a rock with their
Bicycles nearby.

We did not see the moon rise as we meet at 7 for an hour. But we were reassured by our leader that next month we would as the day will be a measure shorter by late August. Behind us I saw a bridal party coming to the shore to have photos taken. I had "felt" part of the circles of life as we had begun to meditate. Circles of worship this morning when I presided, when I sat with a friend for lunch at an outside table which was round. Then as we began the meditation the great circle of the earth's orbit that holds the moon in its place around it.

Profound in simple truth, the cycle of the planet and the moon, and the cycles of life: birth, death, marriage the beginning and divorce the end. A dance of life-children playing everywhere around us. Families talking in many languages. A young man flew his model airplane above our heads and the ice cream truck sang out "Hello." A cool breeze gently cooled our skin and ruffled our white hair on our heads.

We made our plans to meet again next month and I headed home filled with a deep peace and feeling of belonging to myself and the universe. This morning I had an appointment with my spiritual director whom I have not been able to see in four months. Schedules just could not be made to fit. I headed down Lakeshore and began to think about what I had experienced yesterday and what I had denied myself all during the marriage to Dow. Simple pleasures which hold and support me. My role in marriage was the support of Dow in what he wanted to do at work and for leisure. Not developing my own interests or sharing them with Jason or sharing in Jason's interests was my lot of "denial of self for the other"-that is Dow, never Jason. I thought I was doing the right thing, instead I was lost and the relationships were destructive within the family.

I began to cry for all the years of self-denial and isolation. I thought"Where am I now spiritually and emotionally as the divorce approaches?" It is not good to do such meditation while driving on Lakeshore Drive in traffic. The image filled my field of vision within my consciousness. A beautiful garden of "prairie/wild flowers" in full bloom. I was a VanGogh figure bending over and tending the flowers. (I think from the "Harvesters") I could not see my face, only my back and bonnet covered in sunlight. (I want to paint the picture!) It was magnificent. And I was pleased what has been nurtured within myself this past 20 months since I decided to leave the relationship with Dow.

Sr. Pat and I spent most of the hour discussing the meaning of the image. I had a dream at Walter Reed where I left a room of spider webs, weapons, and an unseen menacing figure and walked into the sunlight. The garden is now the fullness of that decision. Sr. Pat said the flowers are each a gift/strength/ability/aspect of self that is growing into fullness. These flowers will bear fruit-seeds for the next generation. Sr. Pat said maybe this is the reason for the delay in the divorce proceedings. Or this is why it has taken this long till I was 63 to say no to Dow. "what had been planted was only dormant seeds earlier." Now the garden is in full bloom. I never want to leave it. God/de and I created it and it IS enough. I am successful on the journey home to my God. I feel like shouting out, "Whee" and dancing through the flowers.

After my meeting for spiritual direction, I met my friend Maura and we literally walked the prairie of the Morton Arboretum. We are now mid-blooming and I saw plants I have never seen, rattlesnake grass, iron plant, dock, lots of Joe Pyeweed and Queen Anne's lace. Flowers taller than Maura and me. We took a picture, Maura didn't know what it was. The prairie grasses are now coming into their own. Blooming everywhere. One was so thick on the prairie it wrapped itself around the ankles of horses and cows heading West and caused them to fall and break legs. Butterflies fluttered all around. A hawk overhead. Internal and external reality ONE. I sink into the peace of my life and am thankful of the gift God/de gives me every moment. It is all blessing.

I am so thankful that Maura kept inviting me to come out and explore the arboretum. I never "made time"-denying myself again. Until now when I am free to choose what pleases me the most, where my heart and soul sings. It is so good to "walk in the sun" of my soul. I feel so blessed with life at long last. I am free, truly free to be who God created me to be.