Today was different. I had purchased the furniture from Brown Elephant so I had to play the "waiting game" for the delivery. I cleaned up the dining room as that where the two pieces would be placed. They were right on time, shortly after 2 PM. I straightened the room and had a very strange feeling. I like the pieces especially the buffet which I have wanted forever. I am going to place my linens-now the wrong color for this room with its browns and reds. But they will do till I can replace them over time. Where is the JC Penny catalog when I need one. The furniture is just the right size. However I bought chairs with arms-wicker and they are too tall to fit under this table. But that is okay, I like them. I have a feeling that I am going to offer Dow the coffee table back at some point. I am not sure I want it or have room for it. I will have to see over the coming months. I purchased two lamps today on sale. They are Tiffany like, one torchiere and a matching table lamp. I will put the torchiere near my computer and the table lamp on the computer table. It will be nice in the far east part of the room; the TV/computer corner.
I thought "What if I get a position in another city? What will I do with all this stuff?" I am not sure I am ready to think about it, but I am open when I turn 66 and will retire. Ah, Well I refuse to think that far ahead. I need only trust for today.
After the room was semi-organized I felt funny. A sadness mixed with the pleasure of seeing a very nice dining room. The sadness coming from a sense of "The marriage is over, this is my my dining room where I will entertain." I think one gets divorced through such acts as today. Claiming my power and authority to create my own living space for the first time in my 64 years of life. I have always lived with others and made accommodations as needed. I even grew up with two brothers sleeping in the same bedroom till I was a teen.
Dow always put my being Polish down. He was always proud of all things Scottish and being a Scott. Jason taught Dow to deny his Polish heritage. Humor can be deadly, "I'm only joking" was his reply and the damage was done. Since I have moved into the apartment I have been determined to learn more about my heritage. We have a wonderful "Roman Catholic Polish Union" museum here in Chicago. When Connie was here for her birthday a couple of weeks ago; Sylvia, she and I went to a paper cutting workshop at the Museum. We had a great time.
Today I decided I would treat myself the Museum was having a "Book signing and Polish food tasting" for free! I had a fantastic dinner of pirogi, golabki(cabbage rolls), pastries to die for one especially filled with cream cheese and apricot preserves, a cheese blintz and ...dark chocolate covered strawberries that had to be 4 oz a piece. I was in Polish heaven. There were plates of all kinds of Polish sausage that I skipped, lots of cheeses that I sampled. It was a true delight for the taste buds!
The book is "Polish Chicago: Our History and Our Recipes" by Joseph W. Zurawski. It is a wonderful way to learn history and what a contribution Polish immigrants have made to our country. Plus the food... I was so happy I attended and feel wonderful about being Polish. I am so sorry that our mother and dad didn't teach us to speak Polish or teach us the traditions. I have my faith, that is a great gift.
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
Monday, July 30, 2007
And Then a Garden...
On Sunday I attended a circle of Cosmic Contemplators. We meet during the warm months on the shores of Lake Michigan. 7 women in their 50's and 60's sitting silently in the circle. We pray for peace for the planet, its healing and for all who live upon it. Before we met I took my exercise walk for 30 minutes on the shore paths and again visited the bird sanctuary at the site. It is so beautiful and filled my heart with the prairie flowers and water (runs all summer, turned off in winter) bubbling up with birds and rabbits everywhere. I was at peace in this place which is becoming more special to me each visit.
I thought you might enjoy the poem that we read for reflection at the beginning and end of our hour:
Woman at the Beach
by Ellen Olinger (taken from Womenpsalms)
Summer in Chicago:
Sky, water, sounds of the traffic,
Different tongues
and there you sit
Knitting on a rock with
Your bicycle near by,
Your light cotton dress,
White hair in a ponytail
And your youthful back---
All the young people pass by
Laughing
Carousing
Caressing
Wouldn't they be surprised
To know what you observe
As you sit quietly knitting
In the face of changing sky?
And won't they be saddened
To learn what you found out
A decade or three ago?
But they will be happy to
Return to this spot of summer
When their pain too has been
Absorbed by Another and they
Have enough serenity to sit
Knitting on a rock with their
Bicycles nearby.
We did not see the moon rise as we meet at 7 for an hour. But we were reassured by our leader that next month we would as the day will be a measure shorter by late August. Behind us I saw a bridal party coming to the shore to have photos taken. I had "felt" part of the circles of life as we had begun to meditate. Circles of worship this morning when I presided, when I sat with a friend for lunch at an outside table which was round. Then as we began the meditation the great circle of the earth's orbit that holds the moon in its place around it.
Profound in simple truth, the cycle of the planet and the moon, and the cycles of life: birth, death, marriage the beginning and divorce the end. A dance of life-children playing everywhere around us. Families talking in many languages. A young man flew his model airplane above our heads and the ice cream truck sang out "Hello." A cool breeze gently cooled our skin and ruffled our white hair on our heads.
We made our plans to meet again next month and I headed home filled with a deep peace and feeling of belonging to myself and the universe. This morning I had an appointment with my spiritual director whom I have not been able to see in four months. Schedules just could not be made to fit. I headed down Lakeshore and began to think about what I had experienced yesterday and what I had denied myself all during the marriage to Dow. Simple pleasures which hold and support me. My role in marriage was the support of Dow in what he wanted to do at work and for leisure. Not developing my own interests or sharing them with Jason or sharing in Jason's interests was my lot of "denial of self for the other"-that is Dow, never Jason. I thought I was doing the right thing, instead I was lost and the relationships were destructive within the family.
I began to cry for all the years of self-denial and isolation. I thought"Where am I now spiritually and emotionally as the divorce approaches?" It is not good to do such meditation while driving on Lakeshore Drive in traffic. The image filled my field of vision within my consciousness. A beautiful garden of "prairie/wild flowers" in full bloom. I was a VanGogh figure bending over and tending the flowers. (I think from the "Harvesters") I could not see my face, only my back and bonnet covered in sunlight. (I want to paint the picture!) It was magnificent. And I was pleased what has been nurtured within myself this past 20 months since I decided to leave the relationship with Dow.
Sr. Pat and I spent most of the hour discussing the meaning of the image. I had a dream at Walter Reed where I left a room of spider webs, weapons, and an unseen menacing figure and walked into the sunlight. The garden is now the fullness of that decision. Sr. Pat said the flowers are each a gift/strength/ability/aspect of self that is growing into fullness. These flowers will bear fruit-seeds for the next generation. Sr. Pat said maybe this is the reason for the delay in the divorce proceedings. Or this is why it has taken this long till I was 63 to say no to Dow. "what had been planted was only dormant seeds earlier." Now the garden is in full bloom. I never want to leave it. God/de and I created it and it IS enough. I am successful on the journey home to my God. I feel like shouting out, "Whee" and dancing through the flowers.
After my meeting for spiritual direction, I met my friend Maura and we literally walked the prairie of the Morton Arboretum. We are now mid-blooming and I saw plants I have never seen, rattlesnake grass, iron plant, dock, lots of Joe Pyeweed and Queen Anne's lace. Flowers taller than Maura and me. We took a picture, Maura didn't know what it was. The prairie grasses are now coming into their own. Blooming everywhere. One was so thick on the prairie it wrapped itself around the ankles of horses and cows heading West and caused them to fall and break legs. Butterflies fluttered all around. A hawk overhead. Internal and external reality ONE. I sink into the peace of my life and am thankful of the gift God/de gives me every moment. It is all blessing.
I am so thankful that Maura kept inviting me to come out and explore the arboretum. I never "made time"-denying myself again. Until now when I am free to choose what pleases me the most, where my heart and soul sings. It is so good to "walk in the sun" of my soul. I feel so blessed with life at long last. I am free, truly free to be who God created me to be.
I thought you might enjoy the poem that we read for reflection at the beginning and end of our hour:
Woman at the Beach
by Ellen Olinger (taken from Womenpsalms)
Summer in Chicago:
Sky, water, sounds of the traffic,
Different tongues
and there you sit
Knitting on a rock with
Your bicycle near by,
Your light cotton dress,
White hair in a ponytail
And your youthful back---
All the young people pass by
Laughing
Carousing
Caressing
Wouldn't they be surprised
To know what you observe
As you sit quietly knitting
In the face of changing sky?
And won't they be saddened
To learn what you found out
A decade or three ago?
But they will be happy to
Return to this spot of summer
When their pain too has been
Absorbed by Another and they
Have enough serenity to sit
Knitting on a rock with their
Bicycles nearby.
We did not see the moon rise as we meet at 7 for an hour. But we were reassured by our leader that next month we would as the day will be a measure shorter by late August. Behind us I saw a bridal party coming to the shore to have photos taken. I had "felt" part of the circles of life as we had begun to meditate. Circles of worship this morning when I presided, when I sat with a friend for lunch at an outside table which was round. Then as we began the meditation the great circle of the earth's orbit that holds the moon in its place around it.
Profound in simple truth, the cycle of the planet and the moon, and the cycles of life: birth, death, marriage the beginning and divorce the end. A dance of life-children playing everywhere around us. Families talking in many languages. A young man flew his model airplane above our heads and the ice cream truck sang out "Hello." A cool breeze gently cooled our skin and ruffled our white hair on our heads.
We made our plans to meet again next month and I headed home filled with a deep peace and feeling of belonging to myself and the universe. This morning I had an appointment with my spiritual director whom I have not been able to see in four months. Schedules just could not be made to fit. I headed down Lakeshore and began to think about what I had experienced yesterday and what I had denied myself all during the marriage to Dow. Simple pleasures which hold and support me. My role in marriage was the support of Dow in what he wanted to do at work and for leisure. Not developing my own interests or sharing them with Jason or sharing in Jason's interests was my lot of "denial of self for the other"-that is Dow, never Jason. I thought I was doing the right thing, instead I was lost and the relationships were destructive within the family.
I began to cry for all the years of self-denial and isolation. I thought"Where am I now spiritually and emotionally as the divorce approaches?" It is not good to do such meditation while driving on Lakeshore Drive in traffic. The image filled my field of vision within my consciousness. A beautiful garden of "prairie/wild flowers" in full bloom. I was a VanGogh figure bending over and tending the flowers. (I think from the "Harvesters") I could not see my face, only my back and bonnet covered in sunlight. (I want to paint the picture!) It was magnificent. And I was pleased what has been nurtured within myself this past 20 months since I decided to leave the relationship with Dow.
Sr. Pat and I spent most of the hour discussing the meaning of the image. I had a dream at Walter Reed where I left a room of spider webs, weapons, and an unseen menacing figure and walked into the sunlight. The garden is now the fullness of that decision. Sr. Pat said the flowers are each a gift/strength/ability/aspect of self that is growing into fullness. These flowers will bear fruit-seeds for the next generation. Sr. Pat said maybe this is the reason for the delay in the divorce proceedings. Or this is why it has taken this long till I was 63 to say no to Dow. "what had been planted was only dormant seeds earlier." Now the garden is in full bloom. I never want to leave it. God/de and I created it and it IS enough. I am successful on the journey home to my God. I feel like shouting out, "Whee" and dancing through the flowers.
After my meeting for spiritual direction, I met my friend Maura and we literally walked the prairie of the Morton Arboretum. We are now mid-blooming and I saw plants I have never seen, rattlesnake grass, iron plant, dock, lots of Joe Pyeweed and Queen Anne's lace. Flowers taller than Maura and me. We took a picture, Maura didn't know what it was. The prairie grasses are now coming into their own. Blooming everywhere. One was so thick on the prairie it wrapped itself around the ankles of horses and cows heading West and caused them to fall and break legs. Butterflies fluttered all around. A hawk overhead. Internal and external reality ONE. I sink into the peace of my life and am thankful of the gift God/de gives me every moment. It is all blessing.
I am so thankful that Maura kept inviting me to come out and explore the arboretum. I never "made time"-denying myself again. Until now when I am free to choose what pleases me the most, where my heart and soul sings. It is so good to "walk in the sun" of my soul. I feel so blessed with life at long last. I am free, truly free to be who God created me to be.
Saturday, July 28, 2007
My Intuition Said...
One of the effects of being emotionally abused is that I did not for 30 years; until now, trust my own intuition. My own sense of "this feels right," or "this feels wrong." Today, a Saturday, I got up and went for a walk in the early morning-7 AM before it got to muggy.
I did my laundry and not trusting my intuition put the upstairs neighbor's laundry in the dryer "to help out" but put it on high. It all looked like cottons to me. My neighbor was furious, "I don't want to talk about it" was her reply when I apologized. I feel badly, something was telling me "use low heat," but I thought "Nah, they're cotton." So I hope they don't move out in August on a sour note.
All morning as I was doing laundry, washing dishes for the week (no dishwasher anymore, sigh) etc. I kept being urged by my intuition to "go to the Brown Elephant." I finished my liturgy for tomorrow, I preside and then I began to read the latest Harry Potter (I can't believe there will be no more). Now the sense to go to the Brown Elephant was overwhelming. It was almost as if it wasn't me in control. Looked up the address and headed down to the store on Halstead. I want to buy used if I can, I cannot see using new resources when I can easily use "good second hand." I feel better all around when I buy used. And the money goes for health care for those who cannot afford it.
The Brown Elephant is a second hand store in a huge warehouse type building. It has a great deal of furniture and clothes and books... I was looking for a small buffet for the dining room-for bills, etc. as I don't have anything to store stuff in and was trying to figure out how to do it. I have bought literally three different shapes of boxes, thinking I would store stuff on my bookcase, not that I wanted to but I felt I didn't have a choice. Storage for me is at a premium. I also wanted a dining room table. When I got to the store-low and behold-a 50% off sale! I could not believe it. I got an all-wood dining table and an older just the right size buffet for my dining area for $80.01. Yup, that is what I paid for both! What a deal. I will have to pay to have them delivered but "no problem." The Brown Elephant has a guy "on contract" that will be glad to do it for a reasonable fee.
I feel great. Today I re-learned "Trust my intuition." Once I didn't and got in trouble with my neighbor; once I did and got good quality all wood furniture, half off a already reasonable price.
I liked being able to make my own decisions about furniture. I had purchased chairs from Pier 1 and found neat pillows to sit on. Got those from Linens and Things. The back pillow has read flower embroided on it to match the solid red seat pillow. I like them in my dining room and know they will go well with the buffet.
By evening I was happy. So I celebrated by going to see the Harry Potter movie! Thought I should see this one before I read the final "chapter" of Harry. I need to check and see if Jason has the book; if not send him money for one. I already sent JC a copy, he is my 10 year-old grandson. I thought reading it would be a great way to end the summer as they begin school late August in Tampa FL.
Trust your intuition as the "Cause is always in the future."
I did my laundry and not trusting my intuition put the upstairs neighbor's laundry in the dryer "to help out" but put it on high. It all looked like cottons to me. My neighbor was furious, "I don't want to talk about it" was her reply when I apologized. I feel badly, something was telling me "use low heat," but I thought "Nah, they're cotton." So I hope they don't move out in August on a sour note.
All morning as I was doing laundry, washing dishes for the week (no dishwasher anymore, sigh) etc. I kept being urged by my intuition to "go to the Brown Elephant." I finished my liturgy for tomorrow, I preside and then I began to read the latest Harry Potter (I can't believe there will be no more). Now the sense to go to the Brown Elephant was overwhelming. It was almost as if it wasn't me in control. Looked up the address and headed down to the store on Halstead. I want to buy used if I can, I cannot see using new resources when I can easily use "good second hand." I feel better all around when I buy used. And the money goes for health care for those who cannot afford it.
The Brown Elephant is a second hand store in a huge warehouse type building. It has a great deal of furniture and clothes and books... I was looking for a small buffet for the dining room-for bills, etc. as I don't have anything to store stuff in and was trying to figure out how to do it. I have bought literally three different shapes of boxes, thinking I would store stuff on my bookcase, not that I wanted to but I felt I didn't have a choice. Storage for me is at a premium. I also wanted a dining room table. When I got to the store-low and behold-a 50% off sale! I could not believe it. I got an all-wood dining table and an older just the right size buffet for my dining area for $80.01. Yup, that is what I paid for both! What a deal. I will have to pay to have them delivered but "no problem." The Brown Elephant has a guy "on contract" that will be glad to do it for a reasonable fee.
I feel great. Today I re-learned "Trust my intuition." Once I didn't and got in trouble with my neighbor; once I did and got good quality all wood furniture, half off a already reasonable price.
I liked being able to make my own decisions about furniture. I had purchased chairs from Pier 1 and found neat pillows to sit on. Got those from Linens and Things. The back pillow has read flower embroided on it to match the solid red seat pillow. I like them in my dining room and know they will go well with the buffet.
By evening I was happy. So I celebrated by going to see the Harry Potter movie! Thought I should see this one before I read the final "chapter" of Harry. I need to check and see if Jason has the book; if not send him money for one. I already sent JC a copy, he is my 10 year-old grandson. I thought reading it would be a great way to end the summer as they begin school late August in Tampa FL.
Trust your intuition as the "Cause is always in the future."
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
A Tuesday in July
I thought that I had the day booked However, yesterday I got a call from my spiritual director, one of us put down the wrong day, we both had the same time. So we could not meet. That bumped a lunch with a friend I had planned. Maura lives near to my spiritual director so...
I woke up feeling out of sorts. Jason is in England with his dad. How I wish I would be the one who is enjoying time with Jason (and Jodi). So I got up at 6AM as usual but fussed and didn't get going, I got on the computer-never do that if you need to catch the l...
I got to our Peace vigil at the Federal Building Plaza a 1/2 late to find that almost no one was there! Vacation time is taking its toll. I headed to the NE corner of the market and began to hand out the flyer for the day-"Broken Hearts-broken lives" all about the families and dreams of the Iraqi people torn apart by this war. I handed them out saying "Good morning" and "Peace to you." No curses in reply this morning. I felt alone-then "This is where I should be," bubbled up from deep inside me and I began to cry. I cry as I type this hours later.
An answer given, not with Jason, no where else but here in this place and time. This is where I am called to be. I often experience this time and space as Sacred-touching the numinous. It happened again today, moving beyond the "now" into Kyros-sacred time and space. I thought "Yes, my heart is broken, I am separated from my son as in the story of the flyer" But it is the truth of my life. I am where I am called to be as Moses before the burning bush, as the shepherds in the stable.
When our hour was done I delivered the flyers to our Senator Durbin's and Obama's offices. The security guards were very nice today. Not the mad lineups of the last "passport debacle" most of the summer. There was no one to go for coffee so I thought I will head to the main Chicago library a couple of blocks away. My reward: The latest Harry Potter! I snatched it from the shelf and happily checked it out! I don't know when I will find time to read it-but I have the feeling I will not be getting much sleep :-)
I woke up feeling out of sorts. Jason is in England with his dad. How I wish I would be the one who is enjoying time with Jason (and Jodi). So I got up at 6AM as usual but fussed and didn't get going, I got on the computer-never do that if you need to catch the l...
I got to our Peace vigil at the Federal Building Plaza a 1/2 late to find that almost no one was there! Vacation time is taking its toll. I headed to the NE corner of the market and began to hand out the flyer for the day-"Broken Hearts-broken lives" all about the families and dreams of the Iraqi people torn apart by this war. I handed them out saying "Good morning" and "Peace to you." No curses in reply this morning. I felt alone-then "This is where I should be," bubbled up from deep inside me and I began to cry. I cry as I type this hours later.
An answer given, not with Jason, no where else but here in this place and time. This is where I am called to be. I often experience this time and space as Sacred-touching the numinous. It happened again today, moving beyond the "now" into Kyros-sacred time and space. I thought "Yes, my heart is broken, I am separated from my son as in the story of the flyer" But it is the truth of my life. I am where I am called to be as Moses before the burning bush, as the shepherds in the stable.
When our hour was done I delivered the flyers to our Senator Durbin's and Obama's offices. The security guards were very nice today. Not the mad lineups of the last "passport debacle" most of the summer. There was no one to go for coffee so I thought I will head to the main Chicago library a couple of blocks away. My reward: The latest Harry Potter! I snatched it from the shelf and happily checked it out! I don't know when I will find time to read it-but I have the feeling I will not be getting much sleep :-)
Sunday, July 22, 2007
Sunday July 22: A Day at Home in the Apartment
I have a some time before my overnight guest arrives. I was a pastoral coordinator in the mid '90's in Christiansburg Va, a community next to Blacksburg where we lived and Jason grew up till he went to college. My guest is Fr. Louis Benoit, priest of the Diocese of Richmond soon to retire. His family owns a farm in the western suburbs. We have stayed in touch these past 11 years since we left the New River Valley and Louie will spend the night before heading to his farm for the week. He wants to go out to dinner and to catch up on my story. I spent the day at home because I wasn't sure when his plane was going to come in at first-late 5:00 PM I find. So it was a relaxing day but with some tension, I think normal for this long pre-divorce time.
I was feeling down today as I had to go to the condo to pick up some items and to drop off some others. I knew Dow was in England with Jason and friends-four in all for the week to walk Hadrian's Wall. The abyss between Jason and myself is a wound like no other.
I arrived at the condo after liturgy and my heart was filled with dread and anguish, even being in the condo brought back all the feelings, the hurt, the pain of the marriage and relationship to Dow. I left the sun outdoors and entered the darkness once again. I wanted to flee as fast as I could. The house is empty and is not "my space." How weird as I remember how happy I was when I found it over the protestations of the realtor. Lake Michigan beach behind and a beautiful front yard, "by Loyola University." (Now being turned into a track-yech I am glad I won't see that when I sit in my front room.) I dread having to return to the condo and don't want to. Except I have to clean the storage items out. I know Dow will redecorate and "make it his own" and all memories of me will be gone from him forever. I guess it won't be long before another woman visits regularly or moves in.
I wonder what I will remember over time. What events, what happenings will my memory serve up in moments of grief and loss of what could have been and will never be. Sometimes I feel alone but not lonely, I am too happy to be free of Dow's control and constant demands on me. I feel so light from laying down the burden of being faithful to marriage vows without being loved emotionally, intimately in return. I have been in the desert. It is good to be with Living Waters flowing.
Today early I heard a crow outside my apartment. I always think of my dad who had a crow for a pet when I hear one. I also think of death. Fitting during this long wait to divorce and with two deaths for Lisa in this last week. The crow is also my protector. His symbolism is two edged for me: the love of a father who hugged me and death for the crow eats carrion.
So I did garden therapy this afternoon, not much to fertilize or to weed, but it took about an hour overall in the warm 80 degree sunshine/shade. I watered them with Miracle Grow which my mother used so many years ago. Good enough for me but I am going to have to find a cheaper brand next year. Going through it to fast.
After Louie leaves tomorrow morning, I will go make visits for the afternoon. I normally don't work on Monday but I have another friend coming in on Wednesday to see a play she has been trying to see for months. Margaret will arrive from Lapeer MI early afternoon. We will eat dinner, then go to the play. Then she wants to the ride a speedboat on Thursday before heading back to MI by train in the afternoon.
I feel as if I am having all my company this summer in two weeks! I hope more folks will take me up on "time in Chicago" as the year goes by. I extend the invitation to everyone and hope some will come. I feel pretty settled into my apartment after having Connie and Sylvia visit last week to celebrate Connie's birthday. I purchased four chairs from Pier 1 yesterday, had to take one back as it was missing its floor protector so was wobbly. The nice young 20 something male clerks happily fixed it with glue and a new "foot." I thought "Ah they will make a good husband/roommate some day." Dow hates to do anything around the house "I'll work and hire someone" is his lived statement.
I wish I had the tools as I need to hang some plant hangers and have asked the landlord-but that is not going to happen anytime soon. One of the peace folks has a relative who could help but lives on the South side of Chicago so I can't ask until I am ready to move furniture, hang paintings, etc. I hope within the month I will have the 2nd bedroom cleaned out and ask for help.
I was feeling down today as I had to go to the condo to pick up some items and to drop off some others. I knew Dow was in England with Jason and friends-four in all for the week to walk Hadrian's Wall. The abyss between Jason and myself is a wound like no other.
I arrived at the condo after liturgy and my heart was filled with dread and anguish, even being in the condo brought back all the feelings, the hurt, the pain of the marriage and relationship to Dow. I left the sun outdoors and entered the darkness once again. I wanted to flee as fast as I could. The house is empty and is not "my space." How weird as I remember how happy I was when I found it over the protestations of the realtor. Lake Michigan beach behind and a beautiful front yard, "by Loyola University." (Now being turned into a track-yech I am glad I won't see that when I sit in my front room.) I dread having to return to the condo and don't want to. Except I have to clean the storage items out. I know Dow will redecorate and "make it his own" and all memories of me will be gone from him forever. I guess it won't be long before another woman visits regularly or moves in.
I wonder what I will remember over time. What events, what happenings will my memory serve up in moments of grief and loss of what could have been and will never be. Sometimes I feel alone but not lonely, I am too happy to be free of Dow's control and constant demands on me. I feel so light from laying down the burden of being faithful to marriage vows without being loved emotionally, intimately in return. I have been in the desert. It is good to be with Living Waters flowing.
Today early I heard a crow outside my apartment. I always think of my dad who had a crow for a pet when I hear one. I also think of death. Fitting during this long wait to divorce and with two deaths for Lisa in this last week. The crow is also my protector. His symbolism is two edged for me: the love of a father who hugged me and death for the crow eats carrion.
So I did garden therapy this afternoon, not much to fertilize or to weed, but it took about an hour overall in the warm 80 degree sunshine/shade. I watered them with Miracle Grow which my mother used so many years ago. Good enough for me but I am going to have to find a cheaper brand next year. Going through it to fast.
After Louie leaves tomorrow morning, I will go make visits for the afternoon. I normally don't work on Monday but I have another friend coming in on Wednesday to see a play she has been trying to see for months. Margaret will arrive from Lapeer MI early afternoon. We will eat dinner, then go to the play. Then she wants to the ride a speedboat on Thursday before heading back to MI by train in the afternoon.
I feel as if I am having all my company this summer in two weeks! I hope more folks will take me up on "time in Chicago" as the year goes by. I extend the invitation to everyone and hope some will come. I feel pretty settled into my apartment after having Connie and Sylvia visit last week to celebrate Connie's birthday. I purchased four chairs from Pier 1 yesterday, had to take one back as it was missing its floor protector so was wobbly. The nice young 20 something male clerks happily fixed it with glue and a new "foot." I thought "Ah they will make a good husband/roommate some day." Dow hates to do anything around the house "I'll work and hire someone" is his lived statement.
I wish I had the tools as I need to hang some plant hangers and have asked the landlord-but that is not going to happen anytime soon. One of the peace folks has a relative who could help but lives on the South side of Chicago so I can't ask until I am ready to move furniture, hang paintings, etc. I hope within the month I will have the 2nd bedroom cleaned out and ask for help.
An Addendum to the Request for Maintenance
This happened a while back now-received the notice on June 21. I wanted to include it because I want to record how Dow's anger is expressed. I believe I wrote that when I asked for maintenance, via my lawyer who recommended it because "I don't know how long this divorce process is going to take", Dow immediately closed the joint checking and joint credit cards. I thought "Okay, that is really punitive and an angry response." So be it. If I have to live on peanut butter and jelly my peace of heart and soul is worth it!
I was NOT expecting the anger to keep spilling out! Next Dow is asking for sanctions against me!
"This honorable court enter an order requiring Catherine to pay the attorney's fees and costs of Dow based upon Catherine's untrue pleading set forth within paragraph.... (C) For any and all relief in equity as this honorable court deems fit and just.
I was stunned, dismayed and plunged into anxiety. Met with my lawyer. "What kind of trouble are we in?" I asked anxiously. He had not ever read the letter with attention. I live on $1700 a month. Dow's $1000 in maintenance "which he deigned to pay" does not even cover my rent. My lawyer had never heard of a request for sanctions in a divorce before! Neat uh? I am now in uncharted waters, depending on the judge to rule whether I have to pay over $5000 in Dow's court costs! Dow is angry because of the language of the petition "The allegations are the opinions and conclusions of Catherine unsupported by any fact whatsoever and should be stricken by the court." Actually they are the words of my lawyer who admitted "I speak strongly on behalf of my clients in court." I thought Scott you need to use the delete button or as Dear Ann Landers used to say, "Write and rip it up."
So here I am in the stew and the wait feeling like 9 months before delivery-this month to come stretches out ahead. Thank God I have my ministry and I am speaking for peace at two different events. I am helping in the plan for a peace morning at the local parish in Sept/Oct. I continue to preside once a month within my small faith community. I am attending non-violence training for the first time. I am sure Godde will provide "distractions."
My therapist insists that this delay is time to explore my own power and authority. Within the marriage, because of the mental and emotional abuse, I gave all up and plunged into depression and grief and anxiety for 30 years. I lost my will and Jason almost lost his life to the domination of Dow over our family relationships: spiritual, mental, emotional and financial. Dow who is unconscious of his own feelings and motivations. Dow who calls feelings "Bullshit, they don't solve problems." Sure, feelings don't solve problems! They are, instead, the very essence of the human experience of being alive. They call us to celebrate and share them or recognize the pain and work to change the situation so that we can be happy. I can only change the situation if I am healthy emotionally which because of my own childhood abuse and abandonment of my first husband I was vulnerable to Dow's emotional manipulation and domination. Not ever recognized clearly enough because it was always "my responsibility and fear." Even going through joint counseling I came away feeling lost and Dow the winner as the counselors always sided with Dow "I had the problem with the relationship; it was up to me to solve it."
I did "solve my problem and responsibility," I ended the relationship. I am resurrected. The feelings I have include both regret and peace, sorrow and joy and most of all freedom to walk in the sunlight of my own inner conscience and integrity. Most of all I am thankful, so deeply thankful into my bones and soul-to the very center of my psyche, to be alive and to be able to feel deeply and honor my own feelings. It is the gift of life itself. At 64, my therapist said this past visit, "You are looking good." Can't get any better than that an honest assessment of where I am at emotionally-good words from the man who has travelled so far with me these last 8 years and we never leave his office! I feel as if the stress keeps falling away, like layers are being peeled away so that I might "be in the world as I truly am" Godde is showing me the way, as Thich Nat Hahn says, "We make the path with each step." The steps can be minuscule, but I am taking them. :-)
On Tuesday I see my spiritual director. A wise Roman Catholic nun that I haven't seen in months due to scheduling conflicts. We will listen and hear to what Godde is speaking
I was NOT expecting the anger to keep spilling out! Next Dow is asking for sanctions against me!
"This honorable court enter an order requiring Catherine to pay the attorney's fees and costs of Dow based upon Catherine's untrue pleading set forth within paragraph.... (C) For any and all relief in equity as this honorable court deems fit and just.
I was stunned, dismayed and plunged into anxiety. Met with my lawyer. "What kind of trouble are we in?" I asked anxiously. He had not ever read the letter with attention. I live on $1700 a month. Dow's $1000 in maintenance "which he deigned to pay" does not even cover my rent. My lawyer had never heard of a request for sanctions in a divorce before! Neat uh? I am now in uncharted waters, depending on the judge to rule whether I have to pay over $5000 in Dow's court costs! Dow is angry because of the language of the petition "The allegations are the opinions and conclusions of Catherine unsupported by any fact whatsoever and should be stricken by the court." Actually they are the words of my lawyer who admitted "I speak strongly on behalf of my clients in court." I thought Scott you need to use the delete button or as Dear Ann Landers used to say, "Write and rip it up."
So here I am in the stew and the wait feeling like 9 months before delivery-this month to come stretches out ahead. Thank God I have my ministry and I am speaking for peace at two different events. I am helping in the plan for a peace morning at the local parish in Sept/Oct. I continue to preside once a month within my small faith community. I am attending non-violence training for the first time. I am sure Godde will provide "distractions."
My therapist insists that this delay is time to explore my own power and authority. Within the marriage, because of the mental and emotional abuse, I gave all up and plunged into depression and grief and anxiety for 30 years. I lost my will and Jason almost lost his life to the domination of Dow over our family relationships: spiritual, mental, emotional and financial. Dow who is unconscious of his own feelings and motivations. Dow who calls feelings "Bullshit, they don't solve problems." Sure, feelings don't solve problems! They are, instead, the very essence of the human experience of being alive. They call us to celebrate and share them or recognize the pain and work to change the situation so that we can be happy. I can only change the situation if I am healthy emotionally which because of my own childhood abuse and abandonment of my first husband I was vulnerable to Dow's emotional manipulation and domination. Not ever recognized clearly enough because it was always "my responsibility and fear." Even going through joint counseling I came away feeling lost and Dow the winner as the counselors always sided with Dow "I had the problem with the relationship; it was up to me to solve it."
I did "solve my problem and responsibility," I ended the relationship. I am resurrected. The feelings I have include both regret and peace, sorrow and joy and most of all freedom to walk in the sunlight of my own inner conscience and integrity. Most of all I am thankful, so deeply thankful into my bones and soul-to the very center of my psyche, to be alive and to be able to feel deeply and honor my own feelings. It is the gift of life itself. At 64, my therapist said this past visit, "You are looking good." Can't get any better than that an honest assessment of where I am at emotionally-good words from the man who has travelled so far with me these last 8 years and we never leave his office! I feel as if the stress keeps falling away, like layers are being peeled away so that I might "be in the world as I truly am" Godde is showing me the way, as Thich Nat Hahn says, "We make the path with each step." The steps can be minuscule, but I am taking them. :-)
On Tuesday I see my spiritual director. A wise Roman Catholic nun that I haven't seen in months due to scheduling conflicts. We will listen and hear to what Godde is speaking
Monday, July 16, 2007
A Non-event Pretrial
Dow and I were to meet with the judge today at 8:30. Actually the lawyers were to meet with the judge and we were to wait in the courtroom. Then he was to come out, and give his "recommendations" euphemism for "If we were in court, the settlement would be..." 85% of folks settle after "hearing the news" from the judge.
So I had been up most of the night trying to get to sleep but too anxious to get any more than a cat-nap. I think I fell asleep at 12:30 and woke before 5 AM. I was red-eyed and exhausted in court so am very glad "I didn't have to think and be rational over financial dickering" between the lawyers. Dow is DEMANDING that I find a full-time position, so he doesn't have to pay alimony. "Hello" I am pushing 65 and haven't had a full-time position since 1979 when we moved to Blacksburg Va and I became "Dow's support person" for his career. A role I played for all our marriage.
Scenario:
I arrive about 8:15, go up to the 16th floor of the Daley Center. Dow is sitting on a bench, one of many around the halls that lead to doors of various court rooms. I say "Hello" and walk away. I was looking for a restroom (being almost 65-bladder filling is an issue). I come out and know I am not going to sit anywhere near Dow so I head down a hall toward 1605. I arrive and it is darkened. A young woman sits outside on her bench. I feel safe and content to sit next to her.
She is here because she has young children and is required to take a parenting class. however she is broke and needs the judge's signature so the fee can be waved so she can take the class which she must do for her divorce to move forward. I am thinking, "The woman is caught in a do loop." Thankful I have the money in the moment to pay my lawyer and for a class if it had been needed. I wish her well. My lawyer shows up and tries the door: locked.
Now Scott had been reassuring me that the judge is a "working judge" never late, early arriver, moves the hearing, etc. So "Where is the judge?" Someone from the inside comes to open the door and turns on the lights. There are two women sitting in the dark. "Weird" I think. They must have been the 8 AM appointment. The Clerk of the Court "the judge's right hand man" according to Scott comes out from the inner sanctum somewhere. He and Scott talk, "It is not good, the judge is late for 'personal reasons.'" I am thinking "heart-attack?" (my daughter's father in law died suddenly of a heart attack on Friday while swimming in the gulf near Tampa-a shock to the whole family although he was 86 and had a history of heart trouble. Smoked heavily all his life.)
We are marching through the 1/2 hour of court time allotted to us. Dow and his lawyer are in the room, Dow with me and the lawyer Mary near the front talking with Scott and the Clerk. They have to reschedule the hearing as you don't push back appointments of other folks during the day. Between Dow and Jason going to Europe for the next two weeks, my lawyer's taking his summer vacation, etc. We don't appear before the judge till August 21. So today was a non-event. I thought "Let's see, at $250 an hour per lawyer we just got hit with about $500 worth of lawyer time to "reschedule an appointment!" Getting divorced is very expensive.
I did talk to Dow:
Asked Dow if he knew when the funeral for Jim was-Wednesday.
Asked Dow to ask Jason to please change his phone number with the Orlando VA. They are still leaving ticklers for Jason's appointments on the cell. We got the cell for our time at Walter Reed and Jason gave out the number there as he didn't have a cell phone for a while. I now use it exclusively for work. I have repeatedly asked Jason to change the phone via email with no response, obviously. Jason never picks up the phone when I call, so I send email. It's easier as it doesn't hurt my heart as much as knowing Jason looks at whose calling and doesn't pick up because it is me. (It makes me cry as I write this. The grief of Jason's rejection of me is so very strong into my bones.)
Asked Dow when he and Jason were going to England-Dow leaves on Saturday. Don't know if that is to Orlando then on to Europe or will the four men meet in England. They will walk Hadrian's wall and do whatever. I am not privy to any of the plans.
Asked Dow about paying the lawyer as he wants to be paid from a joint account Dow created with the money I earned from DOD while at Walter Reed for helping Jason.
So that was the extent of the conversation. Scott and I talked for a few moments after in the courtroom, Dow and his lawyer outside the courtroom. I walked passed them without saying a word or looking at them. It is enough. To leave the emotional battlefield that was our "marriage" is enough. I don't have any words or feelings for Dow. They were burned up in the hell of Jason's wounding and my living at Walter Reed.
So I had been up most of the night trying to get to sleep but too anxious to get any more than a cat-nap. I think I fell asleep at 12:30 and woke before 5 AM. I was red-eyed and exhausted in court so am very glad "I didn't have to think and be rational over financial dickering" between the lawyers. Dow is DEMANDING that I find a full-time position, so he doesn't have to pay alimony. "Hello" I am pushing 65 and haven't had a full-time position since 1979 when we moved to Blacksburg Va and I became "Dow's support person" for his career. A role I played for all our marriage.
Scenario:
I arrive about 8:15, go up to the 16th floor of the Daley Center. Dow is sitting on a bench, one of many around the halls that lead to doors of various court rooms. I say "Hello" and walk away. I was looking for a restroom (being almost 65-bladder filling is an issue). I come out and know I am not going to sit anywhere near Dow so I head down a hall toward 1605. I arrive and it is darkened. A young woman sits outside on her bench. I feel safe and content to sit next to her.
She is here because she has young children and is required to take a parenting class. however she is broke and needs the judge's signature so the fee can be waved so she can take the class which she must do for her divorce to move forward. I am thinking, "The woman is caught in a do loop." Thankful I have the money in the moment to pay my lawyer and for a class if it had been needed. I wish her well. My lawyer shows up and tries the door: locked.
Now Scott had been reassuring me that the judge is a "working judge" never late, early arriver, moves the hearing, etc. So "Where is the judge?" Someone from the inside comes to open the door and turns on the lights. There are two women sitting in the dark. "Weird" I think. They must have been the 8 AM appointment. The Clerk of the Court "the judge's right hand man" according to Scott comes out from the inner sanctum somewhere. He and Scott talk, "It is not good, the judge is late for 'personal reasons.'" I am thinking "heart-attack?" (my daughter's father in law died suddenly of a heart attack on Friday while swimming in the gulf near Tampa-a shock to the whole family although he was 86 and had a history of heart trouble. Smoked heavily all his life.)
We are marching through the 1/2 hour of court time allotted to us. Dow and his lawyer are in the room, Dow with me and the lawyer Mary near the front talking with Scott and the Clerk. They have to reschedule the hearing as you don't push back appointments of other folks during the day. Between Dow and Jason going to Europe for the next two weeks, my lawyer's taking his summer vacation, etc. We don't appear before the judge till August 21. So today was a non-event. I thought "Let's see, at $250 an hour per lawyer we just got hit with about $500 worth of lawyer time to "reschedule an appointment!" Getting divorced is very expensive.
I did talk to Dow:
Asked Dow if he knew when the funeral for Jim was-Wednesday.
Asked Dow to ask Jason to please change his phone number with the Orlando VA. They are still leaving ticklers for Jason's appointments on the cell. We got the cell for our time at Walter Reed and Jason gave out the number there as he didn't have a cell phone for a while. I now use it exclusively for work. I have repeatedly asked Jason to change the phone via email with no response, obviously. Jason never picks up the phone when I call, so I send email. It's easier as it doesn't hurt my heart as much as knowing Jason looks at whose calling and doesn't pick up because it is me. (It makes me cry as I write this. The grief of Jason's rejection of me is so very strong into my bones.)
Asked Dow when he and Jason were going to England-Dow leaves on Saturday. Don't know if that is to Orlando then on to Europe or will the four men meet in England. They will walk Hadrian's wall and do whatever. I am not privy to any of the plans.
Asked Dow about paying the lawyer as he wants to be paid from a joint account Dow created with the money I earned from DOD while at Walter Reed for helping Jason.
So that was the extent of the conversation. Scott and I talked for a few moments after in the courtroom, Dow and his lawyer outside the courtroom. I walked passed them without saying a word or looking at them. It is enough. To leave the emotional battlefield that was our "marriage" is enough. I don't have any words or feelings for Dow. They were burned up in the hell of Jason's wounding and my living at Walter Reed.
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
Meet with the lawyer: Hmmmm
Today I met with my lawyer to prepare for the pre-trial hearing with the judge scheduled for next Monday at the Daley Center in downtown Chicago. "It's the building with the Picasso" we say. So if you've seen pictures, you know where I'll be 8:30 am.
Except it sounds like a non-event. The procedure will look like this:
Dow and I sit in the audience-behind the bar. Scott said the place will probably be empty at that hour but to arrive early as I must now go through security.
The lawyers are present.
The judge comes out.
The judge calls only them into his chambers.
The judge leads the discussion, asks his questions.
Makes his decision.
Comes back to court.
Presents it to both Dow and I and...waits.
Dow can say, "I want to think about it."
I can say, "I want to think about it."
We can "Come to agreement right then."
We can "Meet later."
Dow/I can say "See you at trial."
However, the trial judge will not be the same judge.
So I figure he must give "the average judge decision" knowing the facts of the case
Issues are
1. Non-marital property. I say my mother's inheritance to me is non-marital, Dow disagrees.
2. Value of property-bank accounts, retirement, etc.
3. Life insurance on Dow so I can get alimony if he dies.
4. Amount of alimony/maintenance and for how long, i.e. permanent?
Scott said this is not a difficult settlement to negotiate, i.e. pretty much set by law.
The only kicker is "Will the judge, at my age of approaching 65, require me to get a full time position?" Scott says "no" If I were 50 probably "a strong Yes" but not approaching retirement age. Is it realistic? No, I am not certified to work as a chaplain, required by all full time positions. Dow keeps demanding it anytime his lawyer writes an answer to us. I said, "Is this real? Can Dow attempt to control my life after the divorce is final?"
It reminds me so much of when I was involved in the removal of my CPE supervisor in 2001. She demanded that I not tell the truth for my leaving!
I was incredulous.
How could she ever attempt to control me after I quit the program?
How can Dow control me after the divorce?
He keeps arguing it because he doesn't want to give me any money!
I am sure he figures 1/2 of his retirement IS enough.
I present for consideration that our divorce proves:
1. Don't marry an older woman/spouse (by 9) years and
2. Have your wife/spouse work and earn her/his own retirement! not stay at home and be "emotional mother" to you.
"Hello" time for a reality check Dow!
It is all about the money and the law!
Except it sounds like a non-event. The procedure will look like this:
Dow and I sit in the audience-behind the bar. Scott said the place will probably be empty at that hour but to arrive early as I must now go through security.
The lawyers are present.
The judge comes out.
The judge calls only them into his chambers.
The judge leads the discussion, asks his questions.
Makes his decision.
Comes back to court.
Presents it to both Dow and I and...waits.
Dow can say, "I want to think about it."
I can say, "I want to think about it."
We can "Come to agreement right then."
We can "Meet later."
Dow/I can say "See you at trial."
However, the trial judge will not be the same judge.
So I figure he must give "the average judge decision" knowing the facts of the case
Issues are
1. Non-marital property. I say my mother's inheritance to me is non-marital, Dow disagrees.
2. Value of property-bank accounts, retirement, etc.
3. Life insurance on Dow so I can get alimony if he dies.
4. Amount of alimony/maintenance and for how long, i.e. permanent?
Scott said this is not a difficult settlement to negotiate, i.e. pretty much set by law.
The only kicker is "Will the judge, at my age of approaching 65, require me to get a full time position?" Scott says "no" If I were 50 probably "a strong Yes" but not approaching retirement age. Is it realistic? No, I am not certified to work as a chaplain, required by all full time positions. Dow keeps demanding it anytime his lawyer writes an answer to us. I said, "Is this real? Can Dow attempt to control my life after the divorce is final?"
It reminds me so much of when I was involved in the removal of my CPE supervisor in 2001. She demanded that I not tell the truth for my leaving!
I was incredulous.
How could she ever attempt to control me after I quit the program?
How can Dow control me after the divorce?
He keeps arguing it because he doesn't want to give me any money!
I am sure he figures 1/2 of his retirement IS enough.
I present for consideration that our divorce proves:
1. Don't marry an older woman/spouse (by 9) years and
2. Have your wife/spouse work and earn her/his own retirement! not stay at home and be "emotional mother" to you.
"Hello" time for a reality check Dow!
It is all about the money and the law!
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