Will the Divorce Take Place on Monday?

The divorce is to be finalized on Monday. I must go to a room at 9 AM at the Daley Center and meet with Judge Boyd who will assign the case to another judge. So I don't know how long it will take. What is funny is that I was so anxious before August 14, didn't sleep etc. Today I feel at peace. I am not sure if I am dissociating because of the trauma of that day. Or exhausted from the divorce process and the return of Dow's maintenance check.

I received a different check from the lawyer and deposited it. However, now I am anxious. Will Dow stop payment on this check? Will Dow stop payment randomly just to harass me? I called my lawyer and left a message and asked if we might clarify in court Dow's responsibility and what will happen if he does not follow through. I assume that I will have to bring Dow to court. Not something that I look forward to. I want to leave it all behind. I face 118 monthly payments with anxiety each month as "Can I spend this money or will it be withdrawn without my knowledge as it was this month?"

I am not looking forward to Monday. I feel if Dow can figure out a way to continue to hurt me emotionally and spiritually he will as his motto stated many times is "Don't get mad, get even." My lawyer informed me Dow's lawyer told him, "Dow stopped the check to cure me" of what the lawyer did not say. Money is all about control for Dow and he is using it to the end. To me it is the unconscious dynamic of our toxic relationship continuing to its legal end.

How did I spend the day?
First worship with my faith community. Mostly nuns and a couple of laity. Our presider was a young married mother with two children. "How to love your neighbor as yourself" is the
question for reflection.

After I took a woman looking for work for over a year with a serious heart illness out to breakfast at our favorite restaurant across from the Lutheran Uptown Ministry. The restaurant trains unemployed persons for jobs in the food industry. So breakfast in never quite the same, but always interesting. I ordered the fruit smoothie, strawberry today. I don't know if I can continue, I might need to bring her to my apartment and cook lunch here! I also give her $20 a week for bus fare as she continues to look for work. She is being evicted from her apartment and must find a new place to live. This is unemployment in Republican compassionate Christian America.

Then it was time to come home and work on typing up my experience at the RNC in St. Paul last weekend. I will post when I get it done. After I went for a my half-hour walk on Lake Michigan, a beautiful early fall day. I always head to the bird sanctuary at Montrose Bay harbor. I love to check on the small prairie being built there with tender care by volunteers. I saw a posted note that on 12/1 they will plant seeds, I have to put it on my calendar as a winter outing. The lake is bright blue dotted with the white sails of boats. There were many parking places available a sure sign that summer is over. I saw a flock of sandpipers, so pretty, I cannot distinguish the specific species.

Then back home to more typing and eating lunch, then dinner.
I feel alone, but not lonely. I feel like my mother must have felt being a widow for 11 years before she died, 10 years ago in October.

I feel sad that neither of my children have called to ask, "How you doing mother?" nor has anyone else in my family. If any of my sisters or brothers were going to court I know I would be in contact to offer support, that is all that is I expect. I guess it proves my position in the family, a person of no emotional standing amongst 6 siblings. I guess I am at fault for this divorce, judged by persons who did not live in my shoes nor relationship with Dow. I will do what I can and remember them.

Today's gospel was about "Love your neighbor as you love yourself." I wrote Lisa earlier that I could not love my family in a healthy way because I did not love myself. It is hard to love another without self-esteem nor identity nor healthy boundaries.