Jason is Living In Chicago

I have been estranged from my son for over a year-January 2007. The last "communication" he sent was a photo of himself and his dog in July 2007

Talking to my daughter this evening she said, "I am in the middle. I do not want to tell you." Lisa went on to say, "I don't want you to be upset." Why is everyone always saying that, "Don't want you to be upset." Can't agree, I am responsible for my own feelings. Periodically I will ask, "Have you heard from Jason?" as I did this evening. "What are you saying?"

According to Lisa Jason received an internship with Turner Construction-the organization that gave Jason a 2 year scholarship to cover costs of schooling that the VA does not pick up. A really excellent scholarship. The head manager had met Jason at Walter Reed. Jason is interning in Chicago with Turner Construction. I do not know the time line except Jason is here for about 2 months as he wants to take a course in Real Estate at U of F in the summer, the only time it is offered. I have received no communication from him. Lisa reported, "Jason is doing well in school. He has moved on." Lisa also said that she mentioned the possibility of Jason's contacting me while he was here. Lisa said that Jason is adamant that he will not contact me as "I use Jason's story for my political ends."

So this is where it gets interesting for my own spiritual/emotional growth: I expected myself to get upset, cry, anxious, etc as a response to Lisa's words. Instead I am filled with peace. Not contacting me IS Jason's issue. I apologized to Jason while we were at Walter Reed. I have changed my life priorities. I, too, am "moving on." I am looking at peace centers to be affiliated with. I am trying to make restitution for not using my deepest self to work for peace within myself, my family system (Dow/myself/Jason/Lisa), and my country. I was blind and served ignorance with my life. I must have this feeling of peace because I am truly free of the toxic relationship with Dow.

As I told her; "Lisa, I am not afraid to stand before Godde in judgment." If Jason is angry with me, he has not heard my talk and the conclusions I have reached. Jason does not know where my thinking/feelings have evolved. I do not have to justify or defend, they are mine and mine only and I proudly claim them. My life's work is focused in order that my grandchildren will live in a world at peace.

I feel that Jason if/when he is ready must reach out to me as he is the one who has said, "NO" to a relationship with me. It is in God's hands, I am limited as a person. I held his father's views "to support Dow" even if I was blind to the truth. I thought that was how to raise Jason. I imagine the psychological challenge for Jason is to "hold my views" even as his views differ. Except the differences are conscious not unconscious as Dow and mine were.

Well, enough thought for today. I am sure I will add to this reflection.

I am back, I want to include that I pray for Jason's and my reconciliation every day. I pray for his healing emotionally and spiritually. And for mine, and for Lisa's and for my grandchildren. What is going on between Jason and I is an extension of the "war" between Dow and I. Jason and Dow would triangulate with me "out." (I imagine while Jason is here in Chicago that he and Dow are living together emotionally and physically.) What was done emotionally while Jason was growing up continues. Ignorance versus consciousness/knowledge. Feelings versus denial of feelings. People first versus materialism. The web of darkness or the freedom to walk in the light. Fear and depression versus peace of heart and mind.

Now I will go to bed for the night and hope to dream of healing and peace.