And I Called the Lawyer...

Interesting conversation this morning.
I left a message, Scott called back.
"Yes, we have a settlement 'in principle'"
So Scott types it up, I sign it, send it to Dow's lawyer.
She calls Dow, Dow signs it.
A court date is scheduled.
In the meantime we are transferring ownership of car/house, etc.

In the meantime, as soon as I hang up, I remember that Dow had to figure out a way to guarantee the maintenance as I had rejected his proposal to do it via his will. As I felt this might put my children at odds with each other over whether I was to get money from the estate.

Another call to Scott as I felt this WAS an important "detail" that I needed to understand.
"Oh yes, got something from Dow's lawyer, didn't want to send it to you-too many words."
Dow has agreed to purchase insurance for the $300K. Sure sounded goofy to me. However I had to dash off to work so I said, "Oh, okay." I will ask Scott to send me a copy of what the lawyer wrote. When my lawyer says, "Don't worry," makes me worry. Wouldn't you?

LESSON LEARNED:
I have truly felt that I have not been well represented throughout this divorce. I have given money away via the judge "buying a quick settle from Dow" by lessening my maintenance, etc. And the divorce has taken 18 months and the amount of money I have to live on has decreased. From a larger portion of the estate, from a monthly check. Bah, I can see that women are "taken to the cleaners" in this system. The judge decreases my money for "his own schedule's sake." Didn't make the length of the process any shorter. Poor system and truly no one looked out for my interests.

The Rest of the Day:
I headed off to work where Heartland is closing the office we work in and we are being folded into the Palatine office. I only visited one patient today which is definitely not meeting "visit quota" so I am sure I will hear about it very shortly. I don't know if I will have a position soon.

I came home at 4PM after I led a memorial service at a MC.
Then I did absolutely nothing, ate a salad for dinner.
Read email.
Tried to find whatever on line.

Now if God is within me and I am living "God's life" via my own, this afternoon makes me laugh.
Here I am being lazy/dropping out.
Does "God drop out?"
I didn't dream that I remembered at all last night as I thought I would.
maybe tonight. I do believe that dreams are a portal of God's presence within us, beyond the self to the Self.

I called Dr. Cwik, my psychoanalyst for 8 years, left a message saying I would like to meet as Jason is in town. I feel the same as when Jason was injured in Iraq. Do I do something or stay away? Dr. Cwik said, "Go to Walter Reed and be his mother" That is what I tried to do for 8 months. Now it is the same, except I feel that Jason has to take the first step toward me. We have had no meaningful contact in over a year, really since I left Walter Reed in June of 2006. I will never forget Dr. Cwik asking me on my return, "How does it feel to be used?" I replied, "Dow taught him well how to treat me." Now I must accept my behavior taught Jason how to treat me. By not standing up for myself with Dow I was emotionally abused for over 30 years. Repeating the emotional abuse pattern of my childhood.

Then I chose to leave the dark of Dow's and my relationship and walk into the light, a decision I made during a dream while I was at Walter Reed. That is my guiding value now. I cannot go back into the web of darkness and weapons hanging from the walls. And also Liz McAllister's words, "Do not count the cost." I walked out of an emotionally deadly marriage and by speaking out against war, I stop Jason from abusing me as did his father. I will live my values before I die, that is my life's work.

Not seeing me is Jason's issue, not mine. I have decided to give it all up, I am in the "hands of God" I am letting G-d be G-d. I think my life after divorce will be interesting. I really do not know what will happen. I never ever expected to be divorced in my sixties. However I know women who are widows at that age so I am a "widow" with a ex-spouse that is alive. Were we ever emotionally married, have to admit-never.