"We're settled," the Lady Lawyer Wrote

On Tuesday, Scott Gordon Esq was in the hall of the courthouse meeting with some other lawyers. Dow's lawyer came up to him and scribbled on his legal pad, "We have a settlement." As Scott was meeting with the lawyers he was to call her back today. And will keep me in the loop. I imagine we will need to meet to rewrite the settlement terms one more time.

I received a portion of my share of the 2007 tax refund from Dow today. I imagine he is cleaning out the checking account so he doesn't owe me anything on our court date with the judge to sign the papers. The divorce is in the details...and this one has truly been harry. No one can believe that it has taken us 18 months to get divorced. I tell everyone "Godde was giving Dow time to explore his feelings and come to know who he is emotionally." Didn't happen. When Jason was hit in Iraq and Lisa asked Dow, "Dad, how do you feel?" Dow replied, "I feel like you do." The man has no ability to connect to human feelings starting with his own. I was only too ready to accept responsibility for Dow's inability to connect to another and there in lies the source of a very long, very toxic marriage.

I started this day by waking about 5:30 and realizing (from my psyche) that this was a new day, why I felt this way I would find out later in the morning.) I decided to start my new schedule: up at 6AM, breakfast and prayer till 7, exercise at the Armory for an hour (about 10 minute walk from my apartment), home for a shower and off to work by 9 AM. Slept really well last night even after the bombshell of finding out Heartland Hospice is closing the office in Lake Bluff May 5, 2008-two weeks away!

This morning I took a detour to attend a session of the Laughter Club-a new phenomenon that is sweeping the country. Folks get together to laugh-not at jokes, just laugh. Try this

1. Finger tips on cheeks under your eyes-say "tee hee" that's the teehee zone,
2. hands on your upper chest, your "ha-ha" zone,
3. Hands on your belly, your "ho-ho"

Then you raise your arms up in the air over your head and shout "Yes" or whatever and you laugh. Our facilitator-Yup, you can get certified as a laugh leader!-lead us down the merry road to laughter for about an hour and I can honestly say, "After the session, my whole body felt lighter!" It was a hoot. I have been smiling all day, just thinking about the exercises. Another one is to "laugh your way through a song" Don't use the words but the three laugh sounds above.
We tried "Row, row your boat" and "Happy Birthday." Of course 20 folks in the chorus all singing something different to the same the tune was awesome!

Now our "Laughter Club" was held at a retirement center and about 1/2 of the folks have dementia or something causing them not to be able to enter into the experience. Some did not sing ever. I noticed two women who sat still throughout but by the end of the session their hands gently laying on their laps were "tapping to our "Ho Ho"" music! They were participating as deeply as they could! I was so happy for them! and that makes me smile even now! How great life is!

I have decided that every community-church, school, neighborhood, workplace, needs a laugh leader and everyone needs to come! What fun, truly! I am going to go whenever I can! maybe even become a laugh leader.

What joy-of course I could be saying this because "We're settled." How did I find out? After the laugh club I headed N to visit patients and my intuition insisted I call my lawyer. Here I am driving on a very busy Lake-Cook and it is "Call Scott now!" Couldn't let go of it. So I punched the numbers and got the news! How I feel free! How I feel free! I am sure there will be bumps in the road, but I have lived at Walter Reed for 8 months, that is my benchmark. Compared to that experience and seeing my only son's body so severely injured, everything is easy! I have no fear, it was burned up in Jason's wounding. Jason's wounding was my healing. It is a true paradox, yet that is what makes me sure it was Godde's world, not ours as humans but much more real to spiritual truth which I cannot comprehend only understand that I experienced truth.

It is not my path to remain ignorant and I knew the cost of war. Dow refused to accept this. Except war has brought peace to my soul. Not war but my decision after seeing what Dow and I had influenced-Jason's behavior to enter the army. It is enough, I pray for every one's healing for there is no past/present/future in eternity, there is only NOW.

So after hearing the good news, I was stunned. I knew it would come, didn't know when. I had worked with Sr. Pat on Monday and learned "That I need to extend compassion to myself." When the grief of the divorce is triggered, "I am to hold myself within the compassion within me." I use Jesus as he is the "Icon of Compassion" for me. I know I am to dedicate my life to peacemaking. It feels so good. I will grieve the loss of what could have been. I feel that my work of this relationship is over. Dow and Jason are in the hands of Godde. I want so hard to remember my dreams tonight! I have been dreaming only of "being stuck."

I headed off to visit patients. I couldn't believe how I felt. It was a sunny, blue sky day and I felt that way inside too! I visited a retirement center than a nursing home and took both ladies outside in their wheel chairs. It was so great to be with them. They are completing their lives and I am beginning mine at the age of 65, you know! When most folks are retiring, I am just beginning. I truly have never done anything like anyone else. I have no idea why, my life has just been led this way. I truly do believe that God is writing a story and I am sure She is puzzled at the twists and turns that have appeared in "this character of mine."

A Beautiful Spring Day in Chicago II

I headed to my spiritual director this morning. She is a Sister of St. Joseph in La Grange IL. About an hour and pulled into the parking lot edged with magnolias in full bloom. We had a good hour together with her most sage advice at the end. I told her about my grief over the marriage. I can go many places where Dow and I used to go and not be bothered. But then it will happen: I will be overwhelmed with feelings of grief.

Not of loss but feelings of anxiety and fear connected to my 35 year-relationship with Dow. Sr. Pat said, "It is time you are compassionate to yourself." When these feelings occur, "Imagine your compassion holding you, healing you, making you whole. Transforming your feelings into wholeness." I know that I will use her wise advice the next time the feelings of the relationship are triggered.

After our session I headed out to a friend in Lisle who is a naturalist volunteer at the Morton Arboretum. Maura's actual backyard adjoins the arboretum. They had just completed the spring burn so I got to see the fields darkened yet already greening after only one week. Maura has coyotes visiting her yard regularly. She says "They look at me and I look back." We got into my car and headed for the lot which was packed as Earth Day is this week and this year so many folks are speaking out and taking action against Global Warming. We had eaten at Maura's as she said we would never get waited on in the restaurant and definitely she was right.

Today she took me to the East wooded walk and it was truly "Spring fabulous" Maura had checked the woods last week and none of the flowers we saw today were blooming. She said because of the severity of the winter, the flowers are indeed late this spring. This work marvelously for me. As I only get out that way once a month. We saw and took pictures of hepatica-found a patch of white, pink and purple. May apples beginning to spread their umbrellas, trout lilies which were white shooting stars arising from the spotted leaves. (In Michigan where I grew up they were yellow. So there must be different species) Wonderful patches of spring beauties and bloodroot. We only found one patch of Dutchman's britches. Some trilliums were budding. Virginia Bluebells were about 12" high, no sight of flowers yet.

We stopped to listen to the spring frogs sing; Maura monitors them by coming out 2 times a week, taking the temperature of air and water and listens for the frog song. I grew up with frogs in the pond my dad made my mother so it brought back good memories. I love the night sounds. The sounds of red wing blackbirds, killdeer, and cardinals filled the air.

I felt so energized after our hour in the woods it did, indeed, bring comfort to my soul. I spent the afternoon when I got home walking to the garden shop near by to purchase some anti-bug stuff-organic as I have the tiniest, I think, spiders infesting my peace plant. I gave it a good bath and hopefully, this will work and do the nasty critters in so my plant can thrive. It gave me blooms all winter and brought cheer to my heart. I really do not want to loose it. I hope I always have a peace plant to inspire to green the world with peace.

So now I am coming down to a quiet evening at home: cooked and ate a huge artichoke! How wonderful and Harvard beets a true favorite of mine.

I will have a busy days this week. I want to attend a Christian, Jewish, and Muslim dialogue on the first three chapters of Genesis-the creation story being hosted by St. Gertrude's tomorrow evening. On Thursday I must prepare to preside on Sunday and work on my speech for May 10 in DC or maybe on Saturday. Friday we have our "Conscientious Projector" series, this month focusing on the environment. If I can swing it Maura invited me to go to the Dunes-in Indiana two hours S of Chicago for a day with the naturalists. I thought I have to do this, I will have to see if the good God leaves the day open for me. If JACHO (hospice review group) doesn't show I am sorely tempted to pack it all and go. I like Maura love to learn about nature.

I truly love not being in a relationship. I can do what I want to do, when I want to do it. Dow dominated and controlled our lives and activities. Now I am free an amazing place to be in the spring. All is a blessing. It is enough.

A Beautiful Spring Day in Chicago

I had a nightmare last night, woke about 3 AM and couldn't get back to sleep. Got up early and headed to West Chicago and spoke of peace to the Third Unitarian Church "Forum Group." About 20 folks most gray haired like me. One little lady said she had been active during the sanctuary movement for persons from Central America in the 80's. Said she didn't know what was happening now. About 4 folks nodded off during the 10 AM talk. I don't take it personally, it is who they are. Of course the little lady said, "I was part of the great generation, we have to have war." I said, "Good folks can disagree on this issue." She thought that was a good response.

As always the questions ask about "How is Jason doing now?" I tell them what I know and am honest about our non-relationship and hope for reconciliation. Being at the peace workshop all day yesterday was hard as I heard "What I could have done and what others have done to live peace." I think telling the story of Jason and my metanoia-my turning around with my life is a good message for others to hear.

I came home and tried to drop off my recyclables, no go as the gate was locked. I headed up Broadway, changed my clothes and headed out to the dreaded treadmill for 30 minutes plus cool down time. After I worked out on weights and embarrassed myself after a year. I can only do 5/10 pounds where I once did 15/20. I like working out on that huge ball for abs/core work.
After a hour's work out at a good pace--15 minute miles.

Back home to repot my peace plant which I found to be infested with spider mites. Yeechh. So I will have to get some anti bug spray. I like to buy the organic kind-basically soap in the bottle. I did repot it then I potted some yellow faced pansies. I remember them being as my mother's favorite when I was growing up. So here I am the next generation potting my own. I really can't remember where she planted them in the yard. I have some very small red tulips opening up, I am happy to see them. It is lucky that I have the S side of the building to plant some color. I hope my landlord appreciates them and much as I do.

So I will enjoy them till the weather gets warm enough for the annuals. I bought a bag of mixed perennials-lilies and echinacea and hope to get those in the ground next weekend.

Talked to Lisa for a few minutes, she and Charlie went out to dinner on the money I gave them for their 13th anniversary. How quickly time flies! The children were very boisterous but I am glad they are doing well. I am sending her the info I collected from the peace workshop and hope she will be able to use it.

I am getting very tired and think I will take an afternoon nap. My dad used to do the same every Sunday. Looking back he worked so very hard to provide for the 9 of us. He was a janitor yet we never went hungry as we grew a lot of food on our one acre. Someday I want to draw a "Grandma Moses" type picture of the house and land. Lots of lawn in front, then flowerbeds then the house. Behind it the fishpond and sunken bathtub filled with water plants. Truly wondrous for a child. To the left of it 1/4 acre of fruit trees: apples, pears, peaches, grapes, then 1/4 acre of ever changing vegetables. They worked so hard growing the food for our family. My mother worked hard canning it all. I was born in 1943 and we moved from Detroit to the "farm" that is what the city cousins called it when I was three. We only actually raised chickens.

Oh the food was so good in taste and texture. I will never have any like it again. Shouldn't say that. I just bought a 1/4 share of produce from a local farmer for the season. I expect goodies like lettuce any day. I really enjoyed helping Lisa shop for her food co-op when I was in FL in January. Her group buys from the wholesales. The food I will get is actually from the farm. So I assume I will have to "surf the net" looking for recipes for some of the food surprises I am sure I will get!

A Grief Trigger

I haven't written this month as much as I thought I would. I have been traveling and the divorce is still "in process." Last year I was speaking for peace 2-4 times a month, this year I have been speaking only one time a month or so. I began to review/write for a presentation tomorrow at a Unitarian church on the West side of Chicago. I hadn't really looked at the material in awhile.

However, today as I reviewed Jason's injuries once again, (I haven't heard from or seen Jason in over a year (Christmas 06), I broke into tears. I was back at Walter Reed, standing by his bed, overwhelmed at the extent of his injuries, remembering Dow saying, "We just have to get by this" and my soul being mortally wounded by his words. How can I ever "get by" our own and the nation's complicity in the suffering of war?

Our human ignorance overwhelms me. Our wanting to keep a God of Light and to not acknowledge the God of darkness; of death and destruction as well as of creation. We live out of old paradigms of what it means to be human and "What is God like?" And we have taken the projection of our own internal darkness and put it "out there on the other" It is time to own our energy of destruction, from the one source of all that exists. To channel such dark energy to "destroy" poverty, to destroy disease, to destroy all that is not human in our own behavior. We need to evolve beyond war or else we all will be lost.

It is Almost Over, I think but I have said it before...

I have been very busy this last month with the march and events surrounding the 5th anniversary of this godawful war. I spent the week of Easter with my daughter Lisa and her family in Williamsburg VA. A good break away from death and war.

I met with my lawyer last week. Dow's lawyer was a "no show" 3/20 at the "check in" conference with the judge, don't know why. My lawyer was non committal when I asked "Why wouldn't she show if Dow is sooo interested in getting a divorce as he keeps insisting he is?" Anyway the only issue to be decided is how will Dow protect my getting maintenance if he dies prior to the 10 year limit we agreed upon.

Dow has proposed I have a claim against his estate with Lisa as his executor. I have said, "Not no but hell no." I do not trust Jason to not say to his sister, "Don't give mother a penny." I do not want Lisa to have to choose between my legitimate financial claim on the estate and Jason's friendship. Jason has not spoken to me in over a year. Sadly, I have no relationship with Jason and doubly painful I cannot see a reconciliation at this time.

My lawyer has proposed:
1. Dow has a $1 million life insurance policy, reduce it to $300K and Dow could reduce the amount as the years go by or

2. Put a lien against the house in my name for any remaining maintenance not paid at the time of his death during the 10 year period. We could do it in the settlement and new deed, I think.

I think Dow will go for #2 as this will cost him nothing out of pocket and he will be dead if this option is enforced. My problem is "What if Dow moves?" will my protection be in place for the next house? My lawyer said the settlement could be written with such protection.

I think this sojourn that started at Walter Reed Medical Center is coming to an end-2 1/2 years after it began. Actually much earlier as I should have left an emotionally and spiritually blinding relationship years ago. Being blind I could not, did not. At Walter Reed I was healed of my blindness and now I see. It is a great blessing to be free of the paralyzing fear that held me in chains of 30 years. My son paid the price; I can stand before my Godde a woman freed from oppression and ignorance. It is enough.