Couldn't Sleep Last Night

Lisa called me early Sunday morning and said Dow was visiting this weekend. I thought "My chance to go through the condo storage." I was so relieved as I must now work on Tuesday and didn't know when Dow would not be home. I really don't like to be at the condo when Dow is. Sorta creepy feeling as when I walk in, my feeling is that I am in a stranger's home. I have no connection to the place at all after living there about 11 years. I know the apartment well but no emotional connection either happy or painful. It is empty rooms. I think a good measure that the relationship between Dow and I is emotionally and spiritually over for me.

I spent about 4 hours going through and bringing over boxes of photos and slides. I am going to go through them and then give back to Dow or to Lisa or Jason or pitch them. All gone on the winds of time. I will try to send family photos to my family members-sisters, brothers, and nieces and nephews who might want the memories for their family albums. It will keep me busy the month of December as I would like to give them as Christmas presents along with Christmas ornaments from my 50 year collection for each of the family members. Something to remember me by.

I then had dinner at the Catholic Worker and listened to a presentation on Immigration issues, another priority in which our country has strayed from its roots. I don't know it that did it or cleaning out the condo or... but I could not sleep. Part of me says "I left the Christmas ornaments to last because part(the RC self who believes in the vow of marriage) of me wanted the marriage to work. Christmas is the family gathering time and I had hoped that these two years of introspection for Dow might lead to his maturation into a man emotionally and spiritually." My taking them out of the condo really is the symbolic action of "We shall gather never again as family. The marriage is over" as I have agreed to the settlement conditions and it is now with my lawyer to write and submit to the judge. The divorce should be final 11/8/07.

So I sit at the computer and "Begin the first day of the rest of my life." A little worried about cash as I have no reserve to purchase health care, pay auto insurance, etc. But not too worried as I know it will come together.

Keep me in your prayers as I try to respond to the dream of Godde for my growth.