I thought I would write about my "typical" Saturday as a 65 year old single woman, gray haired and a bushy tailed grandma of 3!
I slept in till 7:30, a real treat as most days I am up at 6 AM.
My bank had dropped my daughter's name off my checking account so spent time chasing them on the phone to see if I could correct it. They promised me they would "get right on it." I tell you changing my name on accounts is really taking a lot of extra time. Nothing is done easily.
I must give Social Security credit, that bureaucracy knows how to move! I have both my new social security Catherine Borkowski-Zatsick and my medicare card! Arrived today. I love my name but don't sign it, too long for most of the little boxes. So I am signing it Catherine Zatsick-the first shall be last and the last first! So they got them to me in less than 3 weeks! Great jobs all you SS'ers.
The mail came in and included a letter from LU-C setting up a COBRA account if I want it for $400 a month. Can't afford and so glad I am on Medicare with AARP supplemental for Part B and D (drugs.)
The squirrels got into my potted plants on the porch again! This time 4 pots! I mistakenly did an act of kindness and put out peanuts for them. So the little devils went digging to plant them. The thing is I have not found peanuts in the pots so... Never again until the frost takes my annuals! So repot, clean up, rewater for an hour.
I ate a leisurely breakfast of Kashi sweetened cereal and bottled Starbucks Mocha Frappucino, my only addiction-one a day all year round.
Then on to work. Because of the divorce I had not made any visits for my part, part time chaplain position with a woman who is trying to start her own hospice. I have spent hours on the phone this week "for telephone visits" but I needed to be out and about. I hadn't visited all the month of September. I feel a lot of Catholic guilt about my patients.
So I headed to a nursing home 20 miles away to visit with 3 folks with dementia. Two are non-verbal, but one woman is what we call in hospice, "Pleasantly confused." She was waiting for her brother, her daughter. She was a dear this morning but her attention lasts about 2 minutes and any movement distracts her. As people with dementia regress in learning through the decades I thought, "Ms E. you have the attention span of a two year old." She is still able to feed herself but is confined to a wheel chair. We had a very pleasant "in the moment" visit. Ms E was "thankful for the visit" and wants me to return. Tomorrow I will visit some patients in another nursing home.
Then on to the fitness connection in the armory nearby. I spent an hour and 1/2 on the elliptical walker and weight machines. I really enjoy this fitness connection as it is small and I usually have the place to myself. Today however, being Saturday there where about 5 rowdy young teens, cute as the dickens but really giving the machines and themselves a workout. They couldn't stay on the machine long but would do the max, then move to another. I really enjoyed watching and listening to them but it was definitely not a "quiet time to read my magazine" as I am want to do when I work out.
I returned home to return a call to my sister Connie who is recovering beautifully from her right hip replacement. She talked of how she enjoyed the beautiful day at the market in Ann Arbor as it was filled with all of the bounty of the Fall harvest. Connie said, "It is truly wonderful to walk without pain." The miracle of modern medicine. Way to go Docs! Connie met a friend from church who is going off with her boyfriend to Northern Michigan to start organic farming. Connie has one week left of her sick leave (w/o pay) and then must return to work.
Connie and I both would love to be involved in such an endeavor. In fact I was thinking about a possible move to KY to be near a woman peace maker-friend. With global warming becoming ever more serious. and the economy collapsing, I have been thinking that working in a community garden with help for growing local food would be a nice way to retire. Then I could go to jail regularly to resist war and injustice and come home to eat wonderful food. Both Connie and I talk about the wonderful food we had as children. We lived on an acre and my parents farmed 1/2 of it. Tomatoes, cukes, corn, beans, squash, pears, apples, grapes, cherries. Oh my, oh my what healthy good tasting food.
We talked of the debate last night. She felt McCain is a forceful speaker on foreign policy but Obama was no slouch! I saw the very last part of it as I had attended a movie called "The Power of Forgiveness." See it if you can. The stories of forgiveness will knock your socks off. And you will learn what power love is. We showed it as part of our Pax Christi monthly evening of the Conscientious Projector Friday night.
Connie and I talked about 40 minutes sharing how beautiful our Midwestern fall is. I don't know if it is or it is beautiful because the divorce is finalized and I feel protected from Dow's dominance and abuse. Life is awesome.
I preside at a small Roman Catholic Faith community-usually about 12 folks. As I have written I am part of a Roman Catholic Women Priests-not that I am ordained, I think about it ever so often. One of the candidates to ordination must practice preaching so asked me if she could join us. I said, "Sure!" Alta has attended our service before so I know she knows she may be interrupted by people from the streets. But anyway I had to go out to make copies of the program and readings for the day. So off to Kinko's I went.
Then back home to make the bread for the service. There is an "authorized" bread that members make. Small loaves so it can be frozen. However, I like my own "real bread" that tastes like bread! I make cottage cheese dinner rolls. It makes 24 rolls, so I take half to give away and half I freeze. We use two of the rolls for the service.
I had planned to clean the kitchen but by 8:30 I was pooped so I thought I would take the time to record my "Fall Saturday" I will read a fun murder mystery before bed-the hero is a cookie baker that runs a shop called the "Cookie jar" and finds bodies around town; then lay my head on a pillow for sleep. Must get up early to gather things and pick up donuts for after the liturgy and Alta on the way. We arrive about 1/2 hour early so we can help set up.
Hope your Saturday was as beautiful as mine and as filled with blessings of hope and joy and sunshine wherever you call home!
The divorced life is a blessing for me.
Saturday, September 27, 2008
Monday, September 22, 2008
I, an Iraqi Citizen, "Died" Today
At a meeting on Sunday, I heard of a witness for peace action today. We are planning a peace march in Chicago for October 11. It will be replicated all across America in towns large and small. The national peace community wants to draw attention to ending the war in Iraq, Afghanistan and Pakistan NOW. And to take care of our veterans when they come home especially for the mental health.
I participated in this witness for peace last year, I think about the same time.
The action is sponsored by the American Friends Service Committee (AFSC). Its regional offices are located in Grace Place downtown Chicago. All you need is a white sheet and the ability to lay quietly on granite in the Federal Plaza for about 1/2 hour.
The 50 "bodies" got in position spread out across the plaza, maybe 12 to a row.
The gong (from a Buddhist community) sounded once.
We all laid down and covered ourselves up from head to toe with the sheets.
(Having done this before most of us had something to lay our heads on, I used my backpack.)
The day was warm so the granite cooled me from the sun's heat.
A red carnation was placed on each of us.
I began to cry when Chris Inserra with her beautiful voice chanted the names of family members and ages-from pregnacy, to birth to their 80's, up to 25 members of Iraqi families killed throughout this war. I cried because I thought, "Among the names Chris is reading today, maybe included are persons killed by my son Lt. Jason and his men when they were in Iraq." I felt there were. My heart cried for their communities, families and for them; all casualties of this war. After each name was read, a gong was sounded.
Estimates are 1,000,000 Iraqis have died. This year American soldiers' names were not chanted, only Iraqis to focus the listener's attention on the human death and destruction we are responsible for. Speakers from Iraq whom I have personally heard have said, "There is not a woman, man or child living in Iraq who have not seen a dead body in the streets."
Micheal (AFSC) spoke of the "Surge not working" The numbers of deaths are down from 2007 but not 2003 or 2004. A study just released from UCLA (www.envplan.com/abstract.cgi?id=a41200) presents "light evidence" that is satellite photos that show in areas in Baghdad where the "surge is working" there are no people. The night photos show no lights which would be on if people lived there. It states up to 80% of the area has no lights.
After 30 minutes, the plaza grew quiet.
The names stopped.
Michael thanked us for our participation and said we could stand up.
I stood up and looked.
Police lined the street immediately in front of us.
They had their golf carts and semi-riot gear.
My heart twinged as I remembered the police brutality of St. Paul and the RNC.
I felt saddened again for those all those who loose their lives to violence-here, Iraq and throughout the world.
A woman was giving out extra carnations. I took another; one for each of my precious children as I remember the children of Iraq whose lives have been taken by war.
May you work for and be peace for others this day.
See you in the streets until we and the world are at peace.
For ourselves and our children down to the 7th generation.
I participated in this witness for peace last year, I think about the same time.
The action is sponsored by the American Friends Service Committee (AFSC). Its regional offices are located in Grace Place downtown Chicago. All you need is a white sheet and the ability to lay quietly on granite in the Federal Plaza for about 1/2 hour.
The 50 "bodies" got in position spread out across the plaza, maybe 12 to a row.
The gong (from a Buddhist community) sounded once.
We all laid down and covered ourselves up from head to toe with the sheets.
(Having done this before most of us had something to lay our heads on, I used my backpack.)
The day was warm so the granite cooled me from the sun's heat.
A red carnation was placed on each of us.
I began to cry when Chris Inserra with her beautiful voice chanted the names of family members and ages-from pregnacy, to birth to their 80's, up to 25 members of Iraqi families killed throughout this war. I cried because I thought, "Among the names Chris is reading today, maybe included are persons killed by my son Lt. Jason and his men when they were in Iraq." I felt there were. My heart cried for their communities, families and for them; all casualties of this war. After each name was read, a gong was sounded.
Estimates are 1,000,000 Iraqis have died. This year American soldiers' names were not chanted, only Iraqis to focus the listener's attention on the human death and destruction we are responsible for. Speakers from Iraq whom I have personally heard have said, "There is not a woman, man or child living in Iraq who have not seen a dead body in the streets."
Micheal (AFSC) spoke of the "Surge not working" The numbers of deaths are down from 2007 but not 2003 or 2004. A study just released from UCLA (www.envplan.com/abstract.cgi?id=a41200) presents "light evidence" that is satellite photos that show in areas in Baghdad where the "surge is working" there are no people. The night photos show no lights which would be on if people lived there. It states up to 80% of the area has no lights.
After 30 minutes, the plaza grew quiet.
The names stopped.
Michael thanked us for our participation and said we could stand up.
I stood up and looked.
Police lined the street immediately in front of us.
They had their golf carts and semi-riot gear.
My heart twinged as I remembered the police brutality of St. Paul and the RNC.
I felt saddened again for those all those who loose their lives to violence-here, Iraq and throughout the world.
A woman was giving out extra carnations. I took another; one for each of my precious children as I remember the children of Iraq whose lives have been taken by war.
May you work for and be peace for others this day.
See you in the streets until we and the world are at peace.
For ourselves and our children down to the 7th generation.
What's It Like? Being Divorced?
I thought I would write a quick note as I have been away visiting my sister in Ann Arbor who is recovering very nicely from a hip replacement in early August. Connie can return to work October 6. However the downside in the news is: Probably another hip replacement in the spring of 2009, the other leg "Is just as bad" said the MD on Connie's check-in this past week. Connie is now feeling the discomfort in that leg as the other one is healing so nicely. That was Connie's first reaction after surgery: "I can't feel any pain!" Got to give it to the MD's and their hi-tech surgery, it only took an hour to "cut and paste" a liner to the hip joint, take off the top of the femur and replace it with a nice porcelain one!
"Shame on you" to the BC/BS of Michigan who refused to send her to a rehab center but sent Connie home 4 days after she came off the surgery table.
What I feel most about being divorced is that I am no longer afraid/fearful. I feel as if the divorce degree is a protective barrier around me, protecting me from Dow's emotional and spiritual abuse that I experienced during our marriage. I truly feel free. It is hard to put into words. Everyday I wake up and say, "THIS is my life!" I look forward to each day praying that I will be the Compassion of Jesus to all whom I meet. That is all I want to be to each and every person God puts in my life's path for the day and to the earth herself. It truly is enough for me. I hope that when I die my family and friends will say, "Katy lived the Compassion of Christ."
As I type I weep,
For all of my life I lived in the dark night of my soul.
Now I am not.
My life is filled with many blessings,
May your life be filled with many blessings, too.
This first day of autumn.
It is beautiful here in Chicago.
Sunny and 70.
"Shame on you" to the BC/BS of Michigan who refused to send her to a rehab center but sent Connie home 4 days after she came off the surgery table.
What I feel most about being divorced is that I am no longer afraid/fearful. I feel as if the divorce degree is a protective barrier around me, protecting me from Dow's emotional and spiritual abuse that I experienced during our marriage. I truly feel free. It is hard to put into words. Everyday I wake up and say, "THIS is my life!" I look forward to each day praying that I will be the Compassion of Jesus to all whom I meet. That is all I want to be to each and every person God puts in my life's path for the day and to the earth herself. It truly is enough for me. I hope that when I die my family and friends will say, "Katy lived the Compassion of Christ."
As I type I weep,
For all of my life I lived in the dark night of my soul.
Now I am not.
My life is filled with many blessings,
May your life be filled with many blessings, too.
This first day of autumn.
It is beautiful here in Chicago.
Sunny and 70.
Monday, September 8, 2008
September 8, 2008 10:50 AM: This is the First Day of the Rest of My Life
"What a day this has been..."
Up at 6:30 AM for a breakfast of Kashi, Starbucks Frappucino and vitamins. Off to the train where I saw a young woman with an Obama button. When I see one I say, "Thank you for wearing it." And usually a passionate conversation follows. Today was no different. The woman's parents were long time Republican voters. Became supporters of Hillary, when she didn't get it and McCain chose Palin they both returned to the Republican fold without a "looksee at her policies." I thought "How crazy can this get?" "Sarah in no way is a Hillary" to paraphrase.
Anyway, we both got off at Monroe and I headed to the Corner Bakery as I got downtown way to early for the 9 AM meeting with Judge Boyd. I sat at a table and made out a list of all the places I needed to change my name. (Just thought of another one, Amtrak Rewards) I headed to the 1600 floor and Dow was sitting on a bench without his lawyer.
Sad to say, I was loud and blunt, "Dow please sign the auto title and another form" to transfer ownership to me. I asked him about the photos-only thing left in the condo storage unit. He said he didn't know and didn't plan on going down there for at least a month. I gave Dow the condo keys and the storage keys as I had signed over the quit claim deed to the condo. I didn't feel right keeping the keys and honestly didn't want them anymore. I want to "be free of it/ and all that connects me to Dow Scott." I told him the settlement gives me 30 days to get everything out of the condo, Dow said, "Katy, I won't do anything." I replied, "All I have is your behavior" referring to Dow stopping payment on the maintenance check as an indicator of his behavior.
I went into the courtroom, Dow's lawyer showed up with Rebecca the colleague with the cell phone from 8/14. I told her that my lawyer called and said he would be late and we should get a courtroom and go to it. At that point, Scott came in. He got a check for $4125 which is the amount from the furniture and $1000 toward my Visa which Dow said he would pay. (This syncronistically is the same amount I owe my lawyer. I wondered if Scott knew this but I don't think so.)
At this point we all moved to the 19th floor-Dow and his two lawyers, me and Scott. The room was cool and I was glad I had a jacket and my rain coat to keep me warm. Dow was reading a news magazine with a suit jacket and open dress shirt. The new judge was Elizabeth Loredo-Riveria, Hispanic. The lawyers all signed in to present their cases. Dow sat down next to a woman soldier in fatigues. My eyes teared, "Jason" my heart said. Three active duty soldiers would be divorced this session.
My lawyer came over to me with "Child Support Forms" said, "You have to complete as best you can." Why, who knows I filled out the names of my children and as much info as I knew about Dow. BTW, the forms use an actual sheet of carbon paper. I thought, "Whoa, this place is far behind the times or this is the most efficient way to do it." Sometimes the old ways work!
The clerk who ordered the cases was a middle age woman an exact opposite of the court reporter in her twenties and a knock out. Long black hair, a silk blouse thing with a bow. She wore a bright smile and when I came before the bench a skirt that showed her well above the knees. I thought, "The judge certainly knows how to give the men something to focus their minds on."
Another surprise was the ordering of the cases. Both of our lawyers were bright young white- man and woman. The court staff were of color. Both of the white lawyers were miffed. The judge heard cases from Hispanics, the soldiers, Cambodian-with translator, Asian, women alone, a man alone and still the white lawyers waited. Scott made a grimace at Dow's lawyer "Like I don't know what the Judge is doing." Ah that "old white privilege" didn't work in this courtroom! I loved it. About 10:30 Dow and his lawyer left the courtroom not returning. Everything had been signed and agreed to. I didn't think Dow would stay as he has never taking responsibility for anything in our relationship. The divorce was a mutual decision, but I am sure he left to show his "disapproval" or he didn't want to officially be there to recognize the end of our legal relationship. Dow no longer controls me. Rebeca, the step-down lawyer stood in at the bench for Dow.
At 10:50 I was done answering "YES" in a loud voice to Scott's review of the provisions of the settlement so the cute court reporter could type it all up. The judge declared I had met the requirements of the law and the divorce was granted me.
Scott gave me the check I signed it over to him to pay his bill. (This would hit a snag, when he took it to deposit it, Scott was told he could not without my being there. I now have to write a new check and drop by his office on Wed morning and pick up Dow's check and deposit it. Sigh, nothing about this divorce is easy.)
He also gave me the copy of the order that divides the retirement money's in half. However as I read it after Scott had left, I saw that Dow's lawyer once again had sloppy technique and listed Christine Scott as the "alternate payee" No, I am definitely not Christine. Yipes, I called Scott and left a message on his phone. Then thought, "Wait a minute this belongs to Dow and we are divorced." I had no problem in calling his number and leaving a message. Dow said he caught the error the last time they met but obviously the lawyer failed to change it. Don't know how long it will take to correct this as Scott called me back and said, "She tried to correct it but the judge had gone to lunch." I doubt it not the way she has played this game. That woman is a consummate "lie directly in your face." She is definitely why lawyers have such a bad name.
I am going to complain about her conduct during this case, especially the 14 of August.
I headed home in the rain, it rained steadily all day. I thought, "Rain of tears or Rain to quench the fire of the experience of marriage and divorce." While I sat in Corner Bakery, Johnny Cash sang, "Ring of Fire" and I thought of the image of fire I experienced when I left Walter Reed. The rain is to quench the fire of my crucible experience. I needed to grow and it was only through the fire of life's experience that I have.
On the VM was a message from my daughter to whom I have not spoken since before I headed to St Paul and the RNC protests. My eyes teared as I had not expected her to call. She said, "How was it?" when I told her I had just gotten back from divorce court. I do believe she didn't call before cause she didn't want to face the fact that it is a reality, our marriage is over. I told her, "It was hard" and my voice choked.
People have asked "Why did it take so long?"
My answer has been "1. The universe wanted to give Dow time to grow emotionally and spiritually, he obviously chose not too or cannot grow. or 2. The negative energy of our toxic relationship continued to play itself out until there was no other option-his stopping the support check."
BTW I had asked my lawyer "How can I be protected from Dow Stopping Payment randomly just to harass me as he obviously did this time?" After the divorce was granted, I asked Scott again as he had not given me an answer. Scott said, "I have put in a court order. The money will be automatically deducted from Dow's paycheck and sent to the state which sends to you. This does mean it will take a couple of days longer to get your money. But you will get it." Scott also warned, "I have asked Dow to pay you directly for September as the order won't be able to take effect that quickly." So I thought "Dow gets a second chance to screw with me." Yech, somethings don't change-quickly enough. So I thought I had better be cautious with my money until the state gets its ducks in a row.
Also, Dow's lawyer informed Scott that Dow has NOT gotten an equity loan. My mouth fell open. Before Dow left for Australia-2nd week in July he demanded I give him a quit claim on the condo so he could apply for an equity loan! That was two whole months ago! So I did not get 1/2 of the condo money today. I thought, "What is it with Dow?" The man IS an unknown. I have no idea what his motives are. As my therapist told me, "Don't get stuck in Dow's $#@. Take action for his behavior (stop payment of check)." I know what I did all of our co-dependent nightmare of a relationship, I was stuck in his ignorance and unconsciousness. I assume at this point I will have to go back into court to get my money from the condo. I think Scott will have life-long employment as my lawyer.
After I headed out for the name changing tasks!
1. I knew I had to start with my driver's license as that is the ID of America. I had fun as the place is a maze. I walked in nothing is clearly marked and looked for someone who could help me. I went to a desk, "I am lost." "I am Bill" came the reply. He sent me to a "number man" who gave me a number-"You're 65 so you will get called quicker" Thanks, being 65 has advantages!
Then back to...Bill who was now sitting behind a desk for seniors and disabled. "Want to register?" 'Yes" "Want to donate your organs?" "Yes" Lots of Yes answers as with the judge. He gave me an eye test which was sorta funny. I could read the left/right sets of three numbers but not the center 3 so well. Oh well I passed and was sent to the cashier to pay my $10.
Then on to the photo section. First to a man who did something with paperwork, not quite sure what. Then on to the photoman who had me sign my name on a credit card signature, you know like target. Then a quick shot, "Sit down till we call you." In about 20 minutes there it was with my new/old name "Catherine M. Zatsick" I had to write it a couple of time today and did start with "SC..." than caught myself and corrected it. I don't think it will take too long as it is my name for the first 21 years of my life. It feels so good to leave Scott behind, I had come to anguish over the weight of that name for me.
With my drivers license in hand a stop at the library, oh you need a bill with your address too. She really had a hard time with the name change. Finally powwowing with another employee they decided the easiest for them would be to give me a new card. Meanwhile a line was forming behind me. But after about 20 minutes I got the new card with my new name.
I headed to the grocery to get a couple of items and realized "I hadn't had lunch" and it was about 4PM. Back home for a dinner then off to the book club.
We discussed a book called "Muldoon" This book speaks to a ghost in a RCC parish. What was neat one of the priests, now a bishop who experiened the ghost was present. Also the widow of the author once a priest and stationed at the church was present for the discussion. Really neat. Do you believe in ghosts? I do believe in the Communion of Saints. And my hospice patients experience the presence of those who have died. The author's wife has experiened his presence after his death. Two other people have had experiences with ghosts. They are all very similar. Ringing doorbells, moving clocks, toys, sounds. Just like the book relates.
It is getting late and I must get up early to work tomorrow.
So I am off to bed. All in all an eventful "first day of the rest of my life."
Blessings
Up at 6:30 AM for a breakfast of Kashi, Starbucks Frappucino and vitamins. Off to the train where I saw a young woman with an Obama button. When I see one I say, "Thank you for wearing it." And usually a passionate conversation follows. Today was no different. The woman's parents were long time Republican voters. Became supporters of Hillary, when she didn't get it and McCain chose Palin they both returned to the Republican fold without a "looksee at her policies." I thought "How crazy can this get?" "Sarah in no way is a Hillary" to paraphrase.
Anyway, we both got off at Monroe and I headed to the Corner Bakery as I got downtown way to early for the 9 AM meeting with Judge Boyd. I sat at a table and made out a list of all the places I needed to change my name. (Just thought of another one, Amtrak Rewards) I headed to the 1600 floor and Dow was sitting on a bench without his lawyer.
Sad to say, I was loud and blunt, "Dow please sign the auto title and another form" to transfer ownership to me. I asked him about the photos-only thing left in the condo storage unit. He said he didn't know and didn't plan on going down there for at least a month. I gave Dow the condo keys and the storage keys as I had signed over the quit claim deed to the condo. I didn't feel right keeping the keys and honestly didn't want them anymore. I want to "be free of it/ and all that connects me to Dow Scott." I told him the settlement gives me 30 days to get everything out of the condo, Dow said, "Katy, I won't do anything." I replied, "All I have is your behavior" referring to Dow stopping payment on the maintenance check as an indicator of his behavior.
I went into the courtroom, Dow's lawyer showed up with Rebecca the colleague with the cell phone from 8/14. I told her that my lawyer called and said he would be late and we should get a courtroom and go to it. At that point, Scott came in. He got a check for $4125 which is the amount from the furniture and $1000 toward my Visa which Dow said he would pay. (This syncronistically is the same amount I owe my lawyer. I wondered if Scott knew this but I don't think so.)
At this point we all moved to the 19th floor-Dow and his two lawyers, me and Scott. The room was cool and I was glad I had a jacket and my rain coat to keep me warm. Dow was reading a news magazine with a suit jacket and open dress shirt. The new judge was Elizabeth Loredo-Riveria, Hispanic. The lawyers all signed in to present their cases. Dow sat down next to a woman soldier in fatigues. My eyes teared, "Jason" my heart said. Three active duty soldiers would be divorced this session.
My lawyer came over to me with "Child Support Forms" said, "You have to complete as best you can." Why, who knows I filled out the names of my children and as much info as I knew about Dow. BTW, the forms use an actual sheet of carbon paper. I thought, "Whoa, this place is far behind the times or this is the most efficient way to do it." Sometimes the old ways work!
The clerk who ordered the cases was a middle age woman an exact opposite of the court reporter in her twenties and a knock out. Long black hair, a silk blouse thing with a bow. She wore a bright smile and when I came before the bench a skirt that showed her well above the knees. I thought, "The judge certainly knows how to give the men something to focus their minds on."
Another surprise was the ordering of the cases. Both of our lawyers were bright young white- man and woman. The court staff were of color. Both of the white lawyers were miffed. The judge heard cases from Hispanics, the soldiers, Cambodian-with translator, Asian, women alone, a man alone and still the white lawyers waited. Scott made a grimace at Dow's lawyer "Like I don't know what the Judge is doing." Ah that "old white privilege" didn't work in this courtroom! I loved it. About 10:30 Dow and his lawyer left the courtroom not returning. Everything had been signed and agreed to. I didn't think Dow would stay as he has never taking responsibility for anything in our relationship. The divorce was a mutual decision, but I am sure he left to show his "disapproval" or he didn't want to officially be there to recognize the end of our legal relationship. Dow no longer controls me. Rebeca, the step-down lawyer stood in at the bench for Dow.
At 10:50 I was done answering "YES" in a loud voice to Scott's review of the provisions of the settlement so the cute court reporter could type it all up. The judge declared I had met the requirements of the law and the divorce was granted me.
Scott gave me the check I signed it over to him to pay his bill. (This would hit a snag, when he took it to deposit it, Scott was told he could not without my being there. I now have to write a new check and drop by his office on Wed morning and pick up Dow's check and deposit it. Sigh, nothing about this divorce is easy.)
He also gave me the copy of the order that divides the retirement money's in half. However as I read it after Scott had left, I saw that Dow's lawyer once again had sloppy technique and listed Christine Scott as the "alternate payee" No, I am definitely not Christine. Yipes, I called Scott and left a message on his phone. Then thought, "Wait a minute this belongs to Dow and we are divorced." I had no problem in calling his number and leaving a message. Dow said he caught the error the last time they met but obviously the lawyer failed to change it. Don't know how long it will take to correct this as Scott called me back and said, "She tried to correct it but the judge had gone to lunch." I doubt it not the way she has played this game. That woman is a consummate "lie directly in your face." She is definitely why lawyers have such a bad name.
I am going to complain about her conduct during this case, especially the 14 of August.
I headed home in the rain, it rained steadily all day. I thought, "Rain of tears or Rain to quench the fire of the experience of marriage and divorce." While I sat in Corner Bakery, Johnny Cash sang, "Ring of Fire" and I thought of the image of fire I experienced when I left Walter Reed. The rain is to quench the fire of my crucible experience. I needed to grow and it was only through the fire of life's experience that I have.
On the VM was a message from my daughter to whom I have not spoken since before I headed to St Paul and the RNC protests. My eyes teared as I had not expected her to call. She said, "How was it?" when I told her I had just gotten back from divorce court. I do believe she didn't call before cause she didn't want to face the fact that it is a reality, our marriage is over. I told her, "It was hard" and my voice choked.
People have asked "Why did it take so long?"
My answer has been "1. The universe wanted to give Dow time to grow emotionally and spiritually, he obviously chose not too or cannot grow. or 2. The negative energy of our toxic relationship continued to play itself out until there was no other option-his stopping the support check."
BTW I had asked my lawyer "How can I be protected from Dow Stopping Payment randomly just to harass me as he obviously did this time?" After the divorce was granted, I asked Scott again as he had not given me an answer. Scott said, "I have put in a court order. The money will be automatically deducted from Dow's paycheck and sent to the state which sends to you. This does mean it will take a couple of days longer to get your money. But you will get it." Scott also warned, "I have asked Dow to pay you directly for September as the order won't be able to take effect that quickly." So I thought "Dow gets a second chance to screw with me." Yech, somethings don't change-quickly enough. So I thought I had better be cautious with my money until the state gets its ducks in a row.
Also, Dow's lawyer informed Scott that Dow has NOT gotten an equity loan. My mouth fell open. Before Dow left for Australia-2nd week in July he demanded I give him a quit claim on the condo so he could apply for an equity loan! That was two whole months ago! So I did not get 1/2 of the condo money today. I thought, "What is it with Dow?" The man IS an unknown. I have no idea what his motives are. As my therapist told me, "Don't get stuck in Dow's $#@. Take action for his behavior (stop payment of check)." I know what I did all of our co-dependent nightmare of a relationship, I was stuck in his ignorance and unconsciousness. I assume at this point I will have to go back into court to get my money from the condo. I think Scott will have life-long employment as my lawyer.
After I headed out for the name changing tasks!
1. I knew I had to start with my driver's license as that is the ID of America. I had fun as the place is a maze. I walked in nothing is clearly marked and looked for someone who could help me. I went to a desk, "I am lost." "I am Bill" came the reply. He sent me to a "number man" who gave me a number-"You're 65 so you will get called quicker" Thanks, being 65 has advantages!
Then back to...Bill who was now sitting behind a desk for seniors and disabled. "Want to register?" 'Yes" "Want to donate your organs?" "Yes" Lots of Yes answers as with the judge. He gave me an eye test which was sorta funny. I could read the left/right sets of three numbers but not the center 3 so well. Oh well I passed and was sent to the cashier to pay my $10.
Then on to the photo section. First to a man who did something with paperwork, not quite sure what. Then on to the photoman who had me sign my name on a credit card signature, you know like target. Then a quick shot, "Sit down till we call you." In about 20 minutes there it was with my new/old name "Catherine M. Zatsick" I had to write it a couple of time today and did start with "SC..." than caught myself and corrected it. I don't think it will take too long as it is my name for the first 21 years of my life. It feels so good to leave Scott behind, I had come to anguish over the weight of that name for me.
With my drivers license in hand a stop at the library, oh you need a bill with your address too. She really had a hard time with the name change. Finally powwowing with another employee they decided the easiest for them would be to give me a new card. Meanwhile a line was forming behind me. But after about 20 minutes I got the new card with my new name.
I headed to the grocery to get a couple of items and realized "I hadn't had lunch" and it was about 4PM. Back home for a dinner then off to the book club.
We discussed a book called "Muldoon" This book speaks to a ghost in a RCC parish. What was neat one of the priests, now a bishop who experiened the ghost was present. Also the widow of the author once a priest and stationed at the church was present for the discussion. Really neat. Do you believe in ghosts? I do believe in the Communion of Saints. And my hospice patients experience the presence of those who have died. The author's wife has experiened his presence after his death. Two other people have had experiences with ghosts. They are all very similar. Ringing doorbells, moving clocks, toys, sounds. Just like the book relates.
It is getting late and I must get up early to work tomorrow.
So I am off to bed. All in all an eventful "first day of the rest of my life."
Blessings
Saturday, September 6, 2008
Will the Divorce Take Place on Monday?
The divorce is to be finalized on Monday. I must go to a room at 9 AM at the Daley Center and meet with Judge Boyd who will assign the case to another judge. So I don't know how long it will take. What is funny is that I was so anxious before August 14, didn't sleep etc. Today I feel at peace. I am not sure if I am dissociating because of the trauma of that day. Or exhausted from the divorce process and the return of Dow's maintenance check.
I received a different check from the lawyer and deposited it. However, now I am anxious. Will Dow stop payment on this check? Will Dow stop payment randomly just to harass me? I called my lawyer and left a message and asked if we might clarify in court Dow's responsibility and what will happen if he does not follow through. I assume that I will have to bring Dow to court. Not something that I look forward to. I want to leave it all behind. I face 118 monthly payments with anxiety each month as "Can I spend this money or will it be withdrawn without my knowledge as it was this month?"
I am not looking forward to Monday. I feel if Dow can figure out a way to continue to hurt me emotionally and spiritually he will as his motto stated many times is "Don't get mad, get even." My lawyer informed me Dow's lawyer told him, "Dow stopped the check to cure me" of what the lawyer did not say. Money is all about control for Dow and he is using it to the end. To me it is the unconscious dynamic of our toxic relationship continuing to its legal end.
How did I spend the day?
First worship with my faith community. Mostly nuns and a couple of laity. Our presider was a young married mother with two children. "How to love your neighbor as yourself" is the
question for reflection.
After I took a woman looking for work for over a year with a serious heart illness out to breakfast at our favorite restaurant across from the Lutheran Uptown Ministry. The restaurant trains unemployed persons for jobs in the food industry. So breakfast in never quite the same, but always interesting. I ordered the fruit smoothie, strawberry today. I don't know if I can continue, I might need to bring her to my apartment and cook lunch here! I also give her $20 a week for bus fare as she continues to look for work. She is being evicted from her apartment and must find a new place to live. This is unemployment in Republican compassionate Christian America.
Then it was time to come home and work on typing up my experience at the RNC in St. Paul last weekend. I will post when I get it done. After I went for a my half-hour walk on Lake Michigan, a beautiful early fall day. I always head to the bird sanctuary at Montrose Bay harbor. I love to check on the small prairie being built there with tender care by volunteers. I saw a posted note that on 12/1 they will plant seeds, I have to put it on my calendar as a winter outing. The lake is bright blue dotted with the white sails of boats. There were many parking places available a sure sign that summer is over. I saw a flock of sandpipers, so pretty, I cannot distinguish the specific species.
Then back home to more typing and eating lunch, then dinner.
I feel alone, but not lonely. I feel like my mother must have felt being a widow for 11 years before she died, 10 years ago in October.
I feel sad that neither of my children have called to ask, "How you doing mother?" nor has anyone else in my family. If any of my sisters or brothers were going to court I know I would be in contact to offer support, that is all that is I expect. I guess it proves my position in the family, a person of no emotional standing amongst 6 siblings. I guess I am at fault for this divorce, judged by persons who did not live in my shoes nor relationship with Dow. I will do what I can and remember them.
Today's gospel was about "Love your neighbor as you love yourself." I wrote Lisa earlier that I could not love my family in a healthy way because I did not love myself. It is hard to love another without self-esteem nor identity nor healthy boundaries.
I received a different check from the lawyer and deposited it. However, now I am anxious. Will Dow stop payment on this check? Will Dow stop payment randomly just to harass me? I called my lawyer and left a message and asked if we might clarify in court Dow's responsibility and what will happen if he does not follow through. I assume that I will have to bring Dow to court. Not something that I look forward to. I want to leave it all behind. I face 118 monthly payments with anxiety each month as "Can I spend this money or will it be withdrawn without my knowledge as it was this month?"
I am not looking forward to Monday. I feel if Dow can figure out a way to continue to hurt me emotionally and spiritually he will as his motto stated many times is "Don't get mad, get even." My lawyer informed me Dow's lawyer told him, "Dow stopped the check to cure me" of what the lawyer did not say. Money is all about control for Dow and he is using it to the end. To me it is the unconscious dynamic of our toxic relationship continuing to its legal end.
How did I spend the day?
First worship with my faith community. Mostly nuns and a couple of laity. Our presider was a young married mother with two children. "How to love your neighbor as yourself" is the
question for reflection.
After I took a woman looking for work for over a year with a serious heart illness out to breakfast at our favorite restaurant across from the Lutheran Uptown Ministry. The restaurant trains unemployed persons for jobs in the food industry. So breakfast in never quite the same, but always interesting. I ordered the fruit smoothie, strawberry today. I don't know if I can continue, I might need to bring her to my apartment and cook lunch here! I also give her $20 a week for bus fare as she continues to look for work. She is being evicted from her apartment and must find a new place to live. This is unemployment in Republican compassionate Christian America.
Then it was time to come home and work on typing up my experience at the RNC in St. Paul last weekend. I will post when I get it done. After I went for a my half-hour walk on Lake Michigan, a beautiful early fall day. I always head to the bird sanctuary at Montrose Bay harbor. I love to check on the small prairie being built there with tender care by volunteers. I saw a posted note that on 12/1 they will plant seeds, I have to put it on my calendar as a winter outing. The lake is bright blue dotted with the white sails of boats. There were many parking places available a sure sign that summer is over. I saw a flock of sandpipers, so pretty, I cannot distinguish the specific species.
Then back home to more typing and eating lunch, then dinner.
I feel alone, but not lonely. I feel like my mother must have felt being a widow for 11 years before she died, 10 years ago in October.
I feel sad that neither of my children have called to ask, "How you doing mother?" nor has anyone else in my family. If any of my sisters or brothers were going to court I know I would be in contact to offer support, that is all that is I expect. I guess it proves my position in the family, a person of no emotional standing amongst 6 siblings. I guess I am at fault for this divorce, judged by persons who did not live in my shoes nor relationship with Dow. I will do what I can and remember them.
Today's gospel was about "Love your neighbor as you love yourself." I wrote Lisa earlier that I could not love my family in a healthy way because I did not love myself. It is hard to love another without self-esteem nor identity nor healthy boundaries.
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