From Gilda to Her Students: Memorial Day: Let Us Remember

Gilda sent me this today. Her reflection on the 2nd Anniversary of her son's death.

May 5, 2008

Good morning.

Most of you were here 2 years ago. Some of you were my students and may know something about an event in my life which unavoidably defines it. This week is the anniversary of that moment, and although it has taken me two years to stand here and talk about it, I believe it is as much a good thing for you to hear it, as it is for me to stand here and tell it to you. On May 1, 2006 at about 9:30 in the evening in Iraq (1:30pm here), a convoy of Reconnaissance Marines had left Camp Fallujah in the Al Anbar Province. This convoy of 5 humvees was driving down a road along the Euphrates river using night vision goggles to avoid IEDs on their way to an appointed post.

Suddenly, an IED causing a tremendous fireball upended the 4^th humvee in the convoy, lighting up the night sky. Even though 3 humvees had gone over the same spot the 4^th one would be the one hit by this improvised explosive device. 21 year old Lcpl Robert Moscillo, died instantly. The remaining 4 humvees stopped immediately and the Marines formed a protective cordon around the burning vehicle. The gunner, who had been ejected, and had burns on his arms, ran back to help put out the fires on the 3 remaining teammates. One of those, the team leader, was my son Sgt Alex Carbonaro. They all were seriously burned. A helicopter medevaced Alex and his teammates Corporal Cory Palmer, and Corporal Brad Fulkes to Bagdad.

On May 2 at 10:00am here at school, Rev. Humphrey appeared at the door of the Form B class where I stood teaching. I immediately knew. We would be one of the few families in this country directly affected by this war. In the days that followed, my husband, Alex’s bride, his mother-in-law and I joined Alex in Landstuhl, the US military hospital in Germany. Alex was in an induced coma, we were at his side, we touched him and spoke to him hoping that he could hear us.

Alex was not to survive these tremendous injuries. He put up a great fight for survival, but on May 10, he took his last breath. He died in our arms at 10 in the morning.

A few days earlier, on May 4, 20 year old Stephen Bixler, a corporal who had been sent to investigate this very same incident on a foot patrol was also killed by an IED.

21 year old Cory Palmer would die May 6 on a transport plane enroute to BAMC, the San Antonio burn center.

23 year old Navy Petty Officer Lee Hamilton Deal, one of the medics from Alex’s platoon, would die on May 17 back in Iraq.

23 year old Corporal Brad Fulkes, who was on the transport with Cory Palmer would die on May 18, 18 days after the explosion.

And if you remember, Robert Moscillo had been killed instantly.

I’ve just told you what happened over the span of a few days to a few Marines that I am connected with. We are now at more than 4,000 deaths and over 30,000 injured American troops. Iraqi deaths and injuries are estimated to be in the hundreds of thousands. I leave you to imagine the suffering of so many families on all sides.

I am the only direct connection for most of you (if not all of you) to this war.

It is my sincere hope this is as close as you’ll ever get to it.

This war like all wars is not just an abstract concept that you hear adults talking about. It is not a computer game. Alex and his buddies had just that one life.

Whatever the rationale for war we are given, the inescapable consequence is the destruction of things and people. You no doubt have heard many different – often contradictory – explanations for this particular war. I will say no more.

You are fortunate to attend one of the best schools in the country. By the time you graduate you will have received an exceptional education that will make you excel in whichever endeavor you choose; it is a gift you cannot take for granted.

I urge you to use this gift and your well-honed analytical skills to always seek the truth.

---

Memorial Day Monday May 26, 2008

I went to the Memorial Day event scheduled by the IVAW and Veterans for Peace. About 50 persons were present, lots of cameras and reporters and photographers. In Chicago the Veterans Memorial has been created in a lovely green space by the river-Wabash and Wacker Drive. It consists of grassy steps edged in granite and a fountain, flags, etc.

The weather was rain forcasted but it held for the hour long memorial. Soldiers from Iraq spoke of their experiences to remember friends who had died. Two Goldstar parents spoke, one who lost a son and a mother who lost a daughter in Texas and has never been told why.

Some statistics given today:
50% of female soldiers are raped.
1000 attempted suicides a month by returned soldiers. Reported to VA system, so we can accept that the rate is higher.
AFSC had the boots from the IL soldiers who have died. They have now began to add white boots for those who have committed suicide, 11 suicides to 150 deaths so far.

Lots of camera persons and media so maybe some folks will see the memorial today.
The most moving part of the memorial for me was to throw a carnation into the river to remember those who have died. I was okay then when I stepped aside down the rail above the river 20 feet below, I began to cry. The carnations of diverse colors floated below me and I thought of Gilda and her son Alex and I wept. Another MFSO mom came to me, hadn't seen her in a while. Her son was sent back to Iraq after being diagnosed with PTSD. We hugged, she is on anti-depressants. I listened to her story and offered my support to her.

Let us hold each other in prayers and thoughts and work to end war.

I Sent an Email Today...

While with Jason at Walter Reed, two years ago today I was at Arlington National Cemetery, taking part in a Memorial Service with Ken's mom and her family, 2nd anniversary of his death in Iraq. We went out to lunch after the ritual of sharing memories, letting a balloon heavenward and pouring beer on Ken's grave. I remember her saying so clearly, "There is nowhere on earth I could be on this day than here. With my son." I weep

I had been to Arlington in early May 2006 to join the mourners of Gilda's only son Alex. We had the funeral liturgy at the National Cathedral. Gilda and her husband teach at the school there. I can remember so vividly the Honor Guard of the Veterans holding American flags as they stood guard outside the Cathedral. They then led the motorcade through the city to Arlington on their motorbikes. (The guard only does after asking permission from the family.) I had been afraid of them because of rumors but on this very cool sun-filled day they were very polite and totally quiet as they stood guard for the hour long liturgy. A strong wind made the American flags snap-to attention for this soldier one last time. I remember the soldiers who provided the eulogies and the beauty of his young wife. And Gilda's deep heart rending sorrow. I thought of Mary, the mother of Jesus at the foot of the cross; "At the cross her station keeping, stood his mournful mother weeping..."

I decided to send Gilda an email today. I went to Blue Mountain and found one I liked. As I thought of what I wanted to say my heart and eyes overflowed with tears. I wrote, "My tears join yours in hope for healing."

I write this for all of you who have lost a loved one, family, friend in war. I write this for all the civilians in war-torn countries who have lost loved ones. We are not alone we are one as we live into our healing.

And the Seeds of Humanity's Destruction Are Sown...

I have been stunned since I saw reality yesterday.
Today after this morning's liturgy I feel strong enough to write about my experience.
From life's experience, emotionally and spiritually; I approach Memorial Day with dread.

I know that Ken's mom and Gilda are at Arlington Cemetery in DC this weekend, placing wreaths on their only son's, only children's graves. Soldiers both they died in Iraq; Ken in a freak accident, Alex in a fiery explosion caused by a RPG. Jason knew Ken (also a tank commander), Gilda kept vigil at Jason's bedside at WRAMC in those first horrible days when we did not know if he would live. I hold them in my heart, soul, prayers, and tears.

I will include Gilda's words written this past month, two years after his death.

It still seems unreal that Alex did not return from Iraq, that his bright future was cut short, that his young bride was left a widow. A silent scream wants to break out of my chest as I contemplate his stark absence and think of the young men and women who will die today and tomorrow to fill the other graves that have been prepared at Arlington. We do not honor our loved ones by accepting the continued loss of life in a reckless, irresponsible war that has no military solution. We do not honor the troops by standing by indifferently as members of the Congress give their sneering Commander-in-Chief a blank check to continue a war based on a tidal wave of lies and hubris. We honor the fallen by beginning an immediate redeployment from Iraq and by showing our determination to stop a new war with Iran. We honor the fallen by making sure that those who return from Iraq and Afghanistan receive all the help they need for their education, and their physical and mental health. We honor the fallen by taking action, by making peace.

Every year, Chicago holds a Memorial Day Parade. They report that it is the "largest in the Nation" with about 10,000 taking part in the march. We are also known as the militarized city in the nation. It took us an hour and half wait in place to begin our entry into the parade. We were number 154 of the groups. Yesterday, I marched with a new Chicago gathering called CVO: Coalition of Veterans Organizations: Leave No Veteran Behind (coalitionofvets.org). They joined forces to lobby for veterans benefits and issues. I marched with WWII, Vietnam, and Iraq vets. These are not peace men; they are warriors. Later we were joined by the Assoc of Women Veterans. African-American women who wore bright blue satin jackets and added a lot of color for us ;-). They were very happy to be in the streets with us. I carried a sign: Support our vets-1 side, other: Save VA Healthcare, supplied by CVO.

Another organizer I met was a Vietnam era veteran of Vet 2 Vet project. (Can also be found via VA for a group near you, in Chicago D Rogers at DJRVetNet@yahoo.com) I believe funded by the VA, and based on what the Vietnam era veterans had to do for themselves as the VA of the 60's and 70's would not recognize the need for counseling for PTSD. Research with these vets identified and gave recognition to this "disorder" which we now know is normal human reaction to the participation in the destruction of human life. American society does not understand nor provide support for veterans returning with PTSD. As a society we need to identify the programming and destruction of "soul" that prepares a warrior for battle. Indigenous people have rituals to reintegrate soldiers to "normal" civilian life, we deny it. See Dr. Tick's work: War and the Soul: Healing our Nation's Veterans from PTSD.

What shocked my very soul was the sight of, at least, 500 Jr ROTC students in full uniform. They sang the cadences of warfare "I am in your face" version. Beautiful young men and women, most of color, a diverse rainbow of our children and grandchildren. Not only does our culture and all media support the paradigm of death through war, but we dress our children and encourage them to enter fully into the paradigm. The viewers of the parade gave them the loudest "rahs" and my heart was torn open.

Dear God,
We ask your forgiveness and mercy
for a nation that teaches its youngest
to prepare to go to war
inflicting death and destruction
on another
and all life itself.

Dressed in their "finest uniforms"
they prepare for their deaths
remembered in a future
Memorial Day parade.
As gladiators of old
their words ring out,
"We who are about to die, salute you."

Know what we do
Their blood is on our hands.

I Went to Therapy Today...

Once a month, I have been going to see a therapist who works with mind/body/emotion connections. Carolyn is a Franciscan sister so she enters into the therapy from spiritual experience also. So she is perfect for this RC hospice chaplain.

I presented her with three issues I am confronting:
1. Divorce process is stuck, see earlier entries.

2. Jason, my only son from who I am estranged, is living and working in town, see earlier entries.

3. Abuse by alcoholic mother when I was a child. Why this came up was while I was saying the Morning Office which I do everyday, I was flooded with the memory. The image of my mother whipping me every night because I could not wake up to go to the bathroom and wet my bed. I remember her coming to the bedroom I shared with Chuck and Joe, waking me up, finding me wet, and being very angry with me. I don't know how long this went on but I remember it as being horrible and for a long time. I cannot remember when I stopped wetting the bed. What has also stuck with me all my 65 years is that my mother forbid me to drink after 4PM "to keep me dry at night." The therapist and I were discussing my being dehydrated today and I said, "I have had a problem with dehydration all of my life. I know that I do not drink enough. It is because of my problem wetting the bed."

We meet in her living room, very nice old apartment-2 flat. We discussed where I was and what was going on in my life for a short time to update her. I mention that it is difficult for me. When I walk the neighborhood, I look for Jason. A tall gray haired young man. His distinguishing identifier for me, his right arm is gone. I said that I have seen young men from the back, thinking "Is that Jason?" and realizing they are talking on a cell phone (shortened right arm.) I am more anxious about possibly meeting Jason than meeting Dow. Dow is business to finish, Jason is my unfinished business.

I sit in a chair, she sits next to me with a hand in front of my chest, the other right behind my neck, not touching but very close. Then the therapy begins, I will try to outline the instructions and my experience. This is a very interactive therapy, I find it to be a "guided imagination" connecting the memory/feeling/body together. I find it helpful because it gets beyond words. While I participate the images "float up from my unconscious." C for Carolyn, K for myself.

C: Find yourself in a safe place.
K: I am in Morton Arboretum where I visited in April. There a huge patches of hepaticas, trout lilies, spring beauties, Dutchmen britches, Mayapples beginning to open and looking like umbrellas. The colors are white flowers, green leaves and the thick brown oak leaves covering the ground, where they fell last fall. The sun is dappled because the trees had not yet leafed out. The sky is clear spring blue. I am by myself.

C: Imagine you are walking down a street, you see a young man you think might be Jason. How do you feel?
K: I feel a dark hole in my chest.
C: when did you first feel the dark hole?
K: (I take some time to think about the dark hole) I think when I was punished for wetting my bed. Also when mother would beat John when he was a baby and I was a teen and could nothing about it. I remember one night when dad finally said, "Enough Catherine, stop it." I had wanted to scream out, to stop it someway, I couldn't I was only about 13.

It makes me cry when I write this. For that is what I was in my marriage, paralyzed by Dow's emotional abuse of myself and Jason. I could not stop my mother, I could not stop Dow. (Until Jason was wounded, then I understood that I had permitted myself and Jason to be abused.)
C: Can you see yourself through all the ages that you felt the black hole?
K: When I was a child, as a teen, when I was abandoned by J. L, when Dow destroyed my self esteem over what was wrong in Jason's and my relationship when he was a child and all through our marriage from then on. A long time to carry a black hole within myself.
(I was blinded by my own woundedness and thought the problem was with Jason and myself, which was the symptom. The root of my emotional suffering was the relationship with Dow and myself. Again I did not realize this until Jason was wounded.)

C: Can you take this hole out of yourself and put it away?
K: I am having difficulty doing this. The hole is in black/grey chunks of concrete with a wooden cross on the top. It was superimposed on the field of trout lilies, but did not crush them.
C: Can you transform the concrete/stone?
K: I cannot. I will give them to Jesus, I have given him difficulties before. He is present. Jesus does not take them. Jesus, some authors say was a stone mason, not a carpenter (to work on Herod's palace). I see Jesus take the stones and make an archway. Again in the trout lilies but not hurting them. The cross is now on top the arch.
C: Can you take the selfs at their ages through the arch?
K: I cannot, it is difficult to get them. I will take them through if they hold a rope, like little ones do in pre-school.
(I struggle, the self my present age doesn't want to go through the arch. She is hanging onto the end of the rope. I finally get her through the arch. We are now all through the arch "on the other side."
C: Is there a color that stands out?
K: Yes, there is a rainbow on this side of arch.
C: Take the rainbow through all the selfs that are present and yourself, merge the selfs together.
C: What do you see now?
K: I see all my selfs sitting on Jesus' lap like the scripture story. He is blessing each one of them for healing. The setting is among the olive trees.
C: Is there a color?
K: The color is a soft golden glow of the afternoon sun.
C: Take the color through you.
K: I do and I sit in peace.

Carolyn and discussed the strength I would need to "let Dow and Jason free" so that a new relationships might be born. A possibility for Jason and I to have a relationship. We concluded maybe I need to meet my animus-the masculine side of being a woman. Based on my childhood abuse, I withdraw when hurt. Dow took over more and more emotional space within our relationship and family dynamic. The counselors have said that Dow is narcissistic and grandiose in behavior. I was the "perfect wife" for Dow emotionally. I grew silent, withdrew gave over control of everything to Dow and slipped into depression and neurosis. I said that I knew that I had turned over my animus to Dow. Dow was my animus, projected onto him. Not healthy. So I would try to meet my animus.
C: Be in your safe place. Is someone with you?
K: Yes, an angel. All white with wings and brown hair.
(now I know that the anima for a man is to lead him to his spirituality. So maybe my animus as an angel is representing an aspect of my spiritual self. For angels are messengers of God and also understood to be the power of God, Godself.)
C: Can you take the animus into yourself?
K: I am trying but he doesn't quite fit, I see the angel wings coming from my back. But I feel stronger emotionally.

C: How can you let go of Dow and the marriage? You say you want to.
K: I feel that I am on the beach, part of the wave breaking on the beach. I feel relaxed and willing to "go with the flow." I feel the emotional connection is broken. I must do the work of healing from the abuse. My anxiety arises from the years of emotional abuse not that Dow and I have a relationship.

We talked about the necessity of my "setting Jason free" and how I might do that. I said I focused on Jason's and my relationship because my relationship with Dow was horrendous. I remember telling Dow a number of years ago that "You have never been sexually attractive to me." I married Dow because he told me that he loved me first. I thought that meant he really did and would not abandon me as JL did for another woman. Not a good foundation for it set me up for fear of loss and being stuck. I remember telling Dow before Jason was hit that I was still married to him because I was a RC and took my marriage vows seriously, that is I was committed to this relationship. That is how blind I was to the emotional truth of the relationship.

K: I will write a balloon for Jason and let it go. (that is what we have done for a grief group in hospice) I see a red balloon and using a marker I write "Jason, I have always loved you, even before you were born, I love you now. Mom. I release the balloon and it sails to the sky.

Later in the day I met with the Full moon circle of women, we meet on the Lakeshore to sit in silence and to be with creation. I kept seeing small sailing ships in Lake Michigan. I kept thinking I needed to let them (Jason and Dow) go sailing on their winds, their journeys. I watch from the shore-their past. I will loose sight of them as their journeys will take them beyond where I can go. They are free to "sail on."

And I Cried...

Jason does not speak to me because I speak out against war. I use my experience as a mother of a wounded soldier as the basis for theological reflection for peace. I received this email a short while ago and was reduced to tears. Liz McAllister from Jonah House told me/warned me "Do not count the cost." A broken relationship with my only son is a tremendous cost yet I cannot be silent. That is why I am getting a divorce, my relationship with Dow silenced my yearnings for peace, my speaking out, my actions for peace. I was lost in the dark web of depression and self-negation of all values I said I held dear.

Katy,

Thanks for your prophetic words...They were so powerful. For many, your words were the ones that really reached and touched them last week..Hope that the 'fates' have you coming to Assisi in DC...Peace, Jack

----- Original Message -----

Dear Jack, Great being with you last Saturday.

I was thinking about your offer of reimbursement. Please give an amount your group is comfortable with to the National Pax Christi in my name.
Thanks,
Katy

An Encounter of the X-Spouse Kind

Today I needed to go to the local bank where both Dow and I have accounts. It is N of Devon, which I experience as "Dow's neighborhood." Today as I was walking N on Sheridan toward the bank, my intuition began to send "anxiety vibrations." I thought, "Am I going to meet Jason?"

I had to go to the bank, so I prepared myself, if I saw Jason I would say "Hello, Jason" expecting him to .... If I encountered Dow, I would not say a word unless the situation demanded my acknowledgment. Sure enough, I step up to the prep your checks counter and look to my right. Dow is an alcove, back to me, chatting with a bank employee. (In today's mail I received his marked up version of the settlement, I imagine that he is preparing whatever financials are required.) My heart began to pound as Dow was "looking at someone?" I felt it might be Jason.

As I moved up to the teller, I looked over and Dow was sitting alone at the desk. I felt great relief, so I guess my anxiety was more that I might encounter Jason than Dow. My heart would break again if Jason's actually physically rejected acknowledging me. I focused on getting the transaction over as quickly as possible so that I might exit before Dow and not have to greet him. I was successful and was "out the door in a flash."

The settlement is a mess. I do not think that the lawyer is listening to me. My lawyer wrote that Dow only needed $240,000 in insurance. That is $60K unprotected in case of Dow's death the day after the divorce is final. I can't figure out why he would write such a figure. Dow wants me to include his insurance premium in my "income." I meet with the lawyer by phone on Monday. We need to straighten this out. He had presented the settlement to Dow without my reading it. I am PO'd and feeling he is not representing me well at all. He doesn't seem to get it that this IS IT as far as income is for me. I am downwardly mobile as they say these days and 65 1/2 years old. Dow's income will continue to increase and he is only 57 and has 13 years to put money away for retirement.

A Weekend of Peacemaking: Mother's Day

This would have been a very difficult day for me if I had not been asked by Pax Christi Baltimore and DC chapter to speak at a Conference called "The Cross or the Flag" A deconstruction of the Just War Theory.

Jason is living and working in Chicago as reported earlier on my blog. I received no communication/card/call from him. It would have been very difficult had I been home alone on Mother's Day. Next year I think I will be with Lisa in Florida or where ever. I need to be with my family more and more even as I try to live "alone" for the first time in my life.

I visited Assisi house in DC, a block from the Catholic Worker where I stayed. Rent would be $600 a month that includes utilities and computer hook up. Not sure if they have a TV. I would get a bedroom, use of common space, a community to give me feedback on "who I am" and the freedom to be involved in peacemaking-probably with Pax Christi and the Catholic Worker. Assisi house has men living in it-priests so they do not have women presiders. But that could be something I could work toward.

The highlight for me was meeting Dr. Patch Adams (watch the movie with Robin Williams playing him.) Patch's dress is that of a clown and he was in full costume. Imagine: Stuffed chicken hat, red clown nose, 1/2 of his waist length pony tail dyed blue, an outlandish pink shirt covered with "patches" and a balloon skirt! Also he wore clown shoes. Patch lost his brother in Vietnam and is very pro-peace. Patch travels the world working to establish health care systems. He has a project here in the US that he hopes will be open in 2009. It is a different health care facility. I am sorry, I don't have details but I am sure you could go on line to find them and donate toward it. Patch lived in the DC area and has been active with Codepink. Patch and a grandmother, now 80 and arrested many times for peace, led off the parade We marched through the Dupont Circle neighborhood giving out flowers and a copy of Juliet Ward Howe's Proclamation for Mother's Day after the Civil War.

After we went to the house and ate dinner, talked for awhile and I headed to the Catholic Worker and a quiet evening before heading for Chicago on Monday morning.

I was a little taken aback as I remembered Dupont Circle and Jason and my trips there. Jason brought his Keen's at Comfort shoes and also glasses I believe. The memories are there but Sunday they brought me no pain. Just "oh, that is where Jason bought his shoes." My heart is always tender but the reality of our non relationship holds me steady. I pray for healing and reconciliation and my feelings move on.

The rain held off until after we were done. It began to rain as a couple of us were walking the labyrinth at a nearby Episcopal church. A wonderful experience as I prayed for peace and healing for myself, Jason, all soldiers and civilians wounded because of the war in Iraq. I feel like I have so much "stuff" I need to pare my life down to the essence of peacemaking. I need to focus on getting rid of stuff as I am in Chicago until I leave on vacation the very end of June.

Godde blessing me. I misread my flight out and thought it left at 1 PM, not 12. I got to the airport with a 1/2 to spare! No problems with trains or with checking luggage or with security. Thanks be to Godde! as I have had many a problem with National's TSA when I was at WRAMC (Walter Reed) and traveled through it frequently. Got on the flight and made it home in time to attend the monthly MFSO support meeting and dinner at the legendary Heartland Restaurant in Rogers Park. We meet once month to share our stories and support one another. A psychologist who is working with 80+ veterans also is attending. She is great. Services are available for our soldiers but she says better outreach must be done to get to them. The attempted suicide rate as reported by the VA mental health center is now at 1000 per month. We all know they will be successful!

Of course, I also need to complete the divorce. Nothing received in the mail, I will call my lawyer on Thursday as I do each week for an "update."

And I Called the Lawyer...

Interesting conversation this morning.
I left a message, Scott called back.
"Yes, we have a settlement 'in principle'"
So Scott types it up, I sign it, send it to Dow's lawyer.
She calls Dow, Dow signs it.
A court date is scheduled.
In the meantime we are transferring ownership of car/house, etc.

In the meantime, as soon as I hang up, I remember that Dow had to figure out a way to guarantee the maintenance as I had rejected his proposal to do it via his will. As I felt this might put my children at odds with each other over whether I was to get money from the estate.

Another call to Scott as I felt this WAS an important "detail" that I needed to understand.
"Oh yes, got something from Dow's lawyer, didn't want to send it to you-too many words."
Dow has agreed to purchase insurance for the $300K. Sure sounded goofy to me. However I had to dash off to work so I said, "Oh, okay." I will ask Scott to send me a copy of what the lawyer wrote. When my lawyer says, "Don't worry," makes me worry. Wouldn't you?

LESSON LEARNED:
I have truly felt that I have not been well represented throughout this divorce. I have given money away via the judge "buying a quick settle from Dow" by lessening my maintenance, etc. And the divorce has taken 18 months and the amount of money I have to live on has decreased. From a larger portion of the estate, from a monthly check. Bah, I can see that women are "taken to the cleaners" in this system. The judge decreases my money for "his own schedule's sake." Didn't make the length of the process any shorter. Poor system and truly no one looked out for my interests.

The Rest of the Day:
I headed off to work where Heartland is closing the office we work in and we are being folded into the Palatine office. I only visited one patient today which is definitely not meeting "visit quota" so I am sure I will hear about it very shortly. I don't know if I will have a position soon.

I came home at 4PM after I led a memorial service at a MC.
Then I did absolutely nothing, ate a salad for dinner.
Read email.
Tried to find whatever on line.

Now if God is within me and I am living "God's life" via my own, this afternoon makes me laugh.
Here I am being lazy/dropping out.
Does "God drop out?"
I didn't dream that I remembered at all last night as I thought I would.
maybe tonight. I do believe that dreams are a portal of God's presence within us, beyond the self to the Self.

I called Dr. Cwik, my psychoanalyst for 8 years, left a message saying I would like to meet as Jason is in town. I feel the same as when Jason was injured in Iraq. Do I do something or stay away? Dr. Cwik said, "Go to Walter Reed and be his mother" That is what I tried to do for 8 months. Now it is the same, except I feel that Jason has to take the first step toward me. We have had no meaningful contact in over a year, really since I left Walter Reed in June of 2006. I will never forget Dr. Cwik asking me on my return, "How does it feel to be used?" I replied, "Dow taught him well how to treat me." Now I must accept my behavior taught Jason how to treat me. By not standing up for myself with Dow I was emotionally abused for over 30 years. Repeating the emotional abuse pattern of my childhood.

Then I chose to leave the dark of Dow's and my relationship and walk into the light, a decision I made during a dream while I was at Walter Reed. That is my guiding value now. I cannot go back into the web of darkness and weapons hanging from the walls. And also Liz McAllister's words, "Do not count the cost." I walked out of an emotionally deadly marriage and by speaking out against war, I stop Jason from abusing me as did his father. I will live my values before I die, that is my life's work.

Not seeing me is Jason's issue, not mine. I have decided to give it all up, I am in the "hands of God" I am letting G-d be G-d. I think my life after divorce will be interesting. I really do not know what will happen. I never ever expected to be divorced in my sixties. However I know women who are widows at that age so I am a "widow" with a ex-spouse that is alive. Were we ever emotionally married, have to admit-never.

May 1, 2008 Dow's 57th Birthday and...One More Day in Court

Well,
Zip, Nada, 0

Dow's and my lawyer were to appear before the judge today in court-monthly check-in. I tried to contact my lawyer earlier in the week, didn't return my call which was really, really strange. Scott has NEVER not returned my phone call before. So I will call tomorrow and see what the #@%+ is going on, politely of course.

Don't ask me as I am only 1/2 of the bill payers for these lawyers. Meanwhile their fees continue to mount. Dow kept writing that he wanted the divorce to be over, well with Jason now in town I can assume that he wanted it over before Jason got here. However, Dow sure isn't making the moves to complete the divorce.

Dow's 57th birthday was today. Sent him a card. I was really torn about it but figured in this stage of the divorce he was more likely to throw it away then to read it. On the cover a quote by Gary Morgan: Choose your path wisely, and each step along the way will bring you joy. Inside: Whatever you seek in the year ahead, may you find it.

I sent Dow this card because the words speak to me of what I want for my own life after our divorce is final. I hope it is final soon, no matter what happened or didn't happen today in the courtroom. I want to "find joy" in my life: living and working for peace. I truly do feel good within myself. It is as if "all the pieces are lined up and in play."

Jason is Living In Chicago

I have been estranged from my son for over a year-January 2007. The last "communication" he sent was a photo of himself and his dog in July 2007

Talking to my daughter this evening she said, "I am in the middle. I do not want to tell you." Lisa went on to say, "I don't want you to be upset." Why is everyone always saying that, "Don't want you to be upset." Can't agree, I am responsible for my own feelings. Periodically I will ask, "Have you heard from Jason?" as I did this evening. "What are you saying?"

According to Lisa Jason received an internship with Turner Construction-the organization that gave Jason a 2 year scholarship to cover costs of schooling that the VA does not pick up. A really excellent scholarship. The head manager had met Jason at Walter Reed. Jason is interning in Chicago with Turner Construction. I do not know the time line except Jason is here for about 2 months as he wants to take a course in Real Estate at U of F in the summer, the only time it is offered. I have received no communication from him. Lisa reported, "Jason is doing well in school. He has moved on." Lisa also said that she mentioned the possibility of Jason's contacting me while he was here. Lisa said that Jason is adamant that he will not contact me as "I use Jason's story for my political ends."

So this is where it gets interesting for my own spiritual/emotional growth: I expected myself to get upset, cry, anxious, etc as a response to Lisa's words. Instead I am filled with peace. Not contacting me IS Jason's issue. I apologized to Jason while we were at Walter Reed. I have changed my life priorities. I, too, am "moving on." I am looking at peace centers to be affiliated with. I am trying to make restitution for not using my deepest self to work for peace within myself, my family system (Dow/myself/Jason/Lisa), and my country. I was blind and served ignorance with my life. I must have this feeling of peace because I am truly free of the toxic relationship with Dow.

As I told her; "Lisa, I am not afraid to stand before Godde in judgment." If Jason is angry with me, he has not heard my talk and the conclusions I have reached. Jason does not know where my thinking/feelings have evolved. I do not have to justify or defend, they are mine and mine only and I proudly claim them. My life's work is focused in order that my grandchildren will live in a world at peace.

I feel that Jason if/when he is ready must reach out to me as he is the one who has said, "NO" to a relationship with me. It is in God's hands, I am limited as a person. I held his father's views "to support Dow" even if I was blind to the truth. I thought that was how to raise Jason. I imagine the psychological challenge for Jason is to "hold my views" even as his views differ. Except the differences are conscious not unconscious as Dow and mine were.

Well, enough thought for today. I am sure I will add to this reflection.

I am back, I want to include that I pray for Jason's and my reconciliation every day. I pray for his healing emotionally and spiritually. And for mine, and for Lisa's and for my grandchildren. What is going on between Jason and I is an extension of the "war" between Dow and I. Jason and Dow would triangulate with me "out." (I imagine while Jason is here in Chicago that he and Dow are living together emotionally and physically.) What was done emotionally while Jason was growing up continues. Ignorance versus consciousness/knowledge. Feelings versus denial of feelings. People first versus materialism. The web of darkness or the freedom to walk in the light. Fear and depression versus peace of heart and mind.

Now I will go to bed for the night and hope to dream of healing and peace.