Christmas Letter 2008-Sent Only to Jodi Bower, Jason's Fiance

I thought I would share my Christmas letter I sent in an email reply to Jodi. My note to family and friends sent with Holiday greetings this year announced my divorce as that was the Event of the year for me, an emotional and spiritual milestone. This is the "news" version of my life for 2008.

Hello Ms. Katy,

School has finished and if all goes well, (this means if UCF doesn't do something crazy) I should have my diploma in 6 weeks! Exciting! I have moved back to Gainesville (before I was in Orlando at my sister's house) and all is well. How was your thanksgiving with Lisa and the Kids?

It was a wonderful time in that being in the sun and seventy for 10 days is balm for my frozen Midwest body and soul. My sister Connie joined us for 4 days, so we cooked the feast and ate the feast and then ate turkey, and more turkey till I don’t want turkey any more! For at least a little while.

Connie had not played WII before so we all enjoyed it. Connie has much better eye/hand coordination than I so she beat her older sister! Sigh. We all worked together to make the banner that hung over the table. I had taken the kids on a walk and gathered different natural materials to spell “Give Thanks” each letter on a different piece of construction paper. I must say, “We did a good job” and I am proud of my grandchildren. I try to give my grandkids as many hugs as I can get away with-you need 8 hugs a day to be “human.” The more the better as I wear a button “Licensed to hug” as a chaplain and my dad was known for his hugs!

We went to see Bolt, the boys were “bored” but we ladies enjoyed girl has dog, girl looses dog, dog finds girl. My kind of story. Then Connie went off to see a soccer game in Orlando with Jonathan, they lost but gave it their all. Lisa and I spent time cleaning out the garage for the grandkids ping pong table that will soon arrive. We found the books of my childhood which Judy had been looking for for 10 years! Connie had sent them to Lisa so we sent Judy a “Hanukah and Christmas gift.”

I think one of the best parts of our visit together was I found this version of bingo called Feast for kids. We used mellow cream pumpkins for markers to cover the calls. They were pictures of Pilgrim boy, girl, pumpkin pie, turkey etc. The rule was “who won the round got to eat ONE pumpkin.” At the end of the session, “Everyone who lost got to eat one.” The kids were great and didn’t sneak too many that I saw during the week. Personally after the first session and all the mauling, I thought, ‘Gross, I am not eating any more” as we re-bagged and reused the same pumpkins. Charlie didn’t play till late in the visit and the first words out of his mouth when he realized what we were playing with were, “We are not eating these are we?” The kids just looked at him like “Huh? What are you asking?” J I had to smile, I thought they are all family germs, can’t be too bad? Good to gross out your dad sometimes.

It was a great break from hospice ministry: to be at the beginning of life with all the exuberant energy of youth.

How is everything in life?

That is a difficult question to answer so I will tell you about “my life”

1. I have been trying to establish connection with my 100% Polish roots. My grandparents on both sides were born in Poland. When they arrived in the USA via Ellis Island in the late 19^th and early 20 centuries; they wanted their children to “be American” so they did not pass down traditions except the wonderful foods. One tradition that my mother kept was that the Christmas tree was not to be seen by the kids until Christmas morning. She would stay up all night setting the tree, wrapping gifts, cooking to “make Christmas come.” It was a truly wonderful gift given to me. That is why I love Christmas so much. So I decided this year to join the Polish American Museum-lucky for me-in Chicago and it is active! This fall I attended a pierogi (like ravioli) making class. Basically we ate our way through two hours of watching others do the work! It was a hoot as everyone but me knew Polish and whenever our poor male 20something cook would say, “This is how to do it.” All the women would immediately begin speaking to each other in Polish! I am sure saying, “Mom never did it that way! etc.” We ate so many pierogi there were plates left over. Then I attended a paper cutting decoration class. If you go to Lisa’s and look in the office, I hung it on the wall. I really enjoyed it but it takes time for a neophyte like me. Finally I went to a Wiegela, the traditional Polish meal on Christmas Eve. (I never had one when I was growing up) Because Poles are RC, they ate no meat but from the sea, the land, the field, forest. So pierogi, and dumplings, and beets, and fish, and mushroom soup with pasta, and fruit compote. Again we ate until we were full to overflowing. Polish folks love to eat! So I can say “I have already eaten my Christmas dinner!”

2. I was on the planning committee for Roman Catholic women ordinations here in Chicago, 11/1. About 300 people attended. This was exciting as I had been to 6 prior to being on the planning end. The planning committee worked well together. However the womenpriests in admin positions, following the oppressive model of the RCC undermined what we were trying to do. Being non-violent long time protestors in the RCC, after the ordinations were complete we came back together wrote up our feedback and sent it to the three administrative priests. We are asking for face to face time in Jan/Feb. So we will see if Roman Catholic women priests will say “yes” Rome always says “No” to folks who want to dialogue on the issue of power. That is why we started ordaining women. “To be continued…” It is true that those oppressed take on the characteristics of the oppressor if come to positions of power, the model they have learned as they lived. Women are no different.

3. In August I attended another ordination at which a RCC priest in good standing Fr Roy B (see SOAWATCH) concelebrated. He is now in the process of being excommunicated. I wrote him a letter and offered to work with him on Peace and justice issues-especially the ordination of women in the RCC. BTW, I read the Gospel at the Janice’s ordination, so I am excommunicated, probably my 1000th time. We ain’t going; we defect in place and invite others to do the same. It is very difficult to change a system from the outside. Some folks are working from the outside creating alternatives such as Women Church.

4. PEBO (FBI, I think, for President Elect Barack Obama) as you know lives in Chicago-S side. A group VCNV (Voices for Creative Non Violence) with Kathy Kelly at the lead, proposed Camp Hope 2009 (www.Camphope2009.org) from 1/1 to 1/19 outside PEBO’s home in S. Chicago. We couldn’t get too close, we are in a park about 2 blocks away near a train stop, I understand. We will be present there and around the city with different presentations etc focusing on “8 promises” PEBO made during the campaign. We will try to be present from 8 AM to 6 PM each day. I will be attending 3 different times at least: a. with my small “alternative RC” faith community after church on 1/11, the day to stop torture as American policy. We will also sponsor a showing of the Taxi to the Dark Side at the local parish. I hope to find a Guantanamo guard, we have two in the area, to aid our discussion. b. as a member of Pax Christi on the afternoon of 1/6. We plan on having postcards for folks to write a letter to PEBO on one of the 8 promises, their choice. 3. As a member of Kairos-a group of college students that focus on non-violent systemic change in church and society and living a simple life-style. They let “Grandma Katy” attend. I thank them for their indulgence; they struggle to find their true selves and to build a better future for all the children of the world. So that will fill my January. I do not plan to go to DC for the inauguration. I don’t have tickets to get close and I don’t take the cold like I used to be able to do. I might see the Obama family closer at Camp Hope as we are present in his neighborhood.

5. My Christmas plans include taking the “polar express” over to Ann Arbor where Connie my sister lives. I arrive at Midnight with Christmas. We will get up, go to traditional mass (Connie’s choice), make Christmas dinner-so far chicken soup and homemade bread and pierogi (I purchased from the Polish Museum class and froze). Connie and I will eat with my mother’s remaining sibling-Aunt Theresa Borkowski who is failing. It will be the three of us and hoping to catch her memories of Christmas past. Then on Saturday we will cook and head to Tina and Mike’s to enjoy an open house for our brother Joe’s (deceased) three children and kids. Don’t know if anyone else will come. Connie wants to attend a play so maybe we will also do that. The best thing about Connie’s is that she belongs to this fabulous Fitness center part of the local community college and we head for the pool every chance we get. Of course it may be closed because school is down for the holidays. I am sure we will find plenty to do with visits here and there. Connie has to work ½ day on Friday. I may be writing Christmas cards as I am no where being done. First time in my life I will be late. We will visit with whoever is available and then I reverse the Polar Express on Tuesday and head home to Chicago. Back to work on New Year’s Eve. Camp Hope begins 1/1/09 so it will be out in the cold for New Year’s and my 66th birthday which is the 3^rd. I am thinking of taking a cake to Camp Hope and sharing with anyone who walks by! “Let them eat cake!” as a famous French queen once said.

6. I continue in therapy once a month and visiting my spiritual director once a month. My therapist is an alternative therapy woman who works with emotional pain experienced in the body. My spiritual director is most important to me now as I attempt to discern what my immediate future will look like as I face decisions in 2009.

7. As part of my grief work I am distributing ornaments from 50 years of collecting them. They will decorate others trees as I will have no longer have one that permits me the use of five boxes of ornaments and decorations. Sad, yet at the same time I feel happy that I can select who gets the decorations from my memories. Part of the letting go of who I was to opening the door to who I will become. Life is a journey and I have found that one of the most difficult challenges is the letting go.

8. The world of health care is disaster. Medicare is writing out the role of spiritual care for hospice patients (to save money, even as Hospice saves $ as patients don’t continue aggressive treatment to the end of life.) So I am looking at next step for me as I enter full senior status at 66 according to Social Security on January 3, 2009. 2008 was momentous change as we ended a marriage of 32 years. 2009 will most likely find me changing my work situation and possible move as Fr. Roy, if he were to say yes to my offer, presently lives in Columbus outside of Ft. Benning. If not I must downsize to cheaper rent as I can’t afford the $1100+ I pay now. My lease is up 4/1. I am looking at house sharing in Chicago, my RCC ordained friend Janice, mentioned above wants me to move to KY…So all options are on the table. For sure what is: change will happen. As we all must learn that life is change: emotionally, spiritually, physically, socially, and economically; that is in all aspects of human living. If one accepts that life is about the challenge to grow as a human (Jungian psychology), no wonder it is about change. As we face the challenges of our lives, we must change or we will not grow emotionally. How we accept this truth of human existence affects all dimensions of our life and being and relationships with others. If we remain ignorant of the need for growth and change we are a “failed experiment” of humanity, such were the Neanderthals.

Thank you Jodi for asking about my life,

Wishing I could be with you and Jason for the holidays.

Best wishes for your family and have a great celebration with friends

Make good and very happy memories for you and Jason,

Love, Katy

A Hospice Christmas Story

As you know I am a hospice chaplain. This week I visited a senior with advanced Parkinson's disease. Some time Mary (name changed) can connect with conversation, sometimes not. We began to talk about the Christmas story. Mary said, "I wonder what heaven will be like?" Because this is hospice, I take such questions very seriously as folks often ask such questions because death is approaching. I asked "what do you think?" "I can't imagine"a reply most seniors would give as they learned that "Heaven, a place of eternal reward, is beyond anything we can imagine."

I reconnected to the Christmas story, "When you get to heaven, Mary, do you think Jesus whom you will meet will be an adult or will he be a baby like the one in the stable?" I had given Mary a small creche and we had talked about the figures whom she can still identify. Mary looked rather taken aback. "Mary, you could bounce him on your knee as you did your own son when he was small." Her eyes and smile lit up (Mary has one child a son) this she could relate to, "Wouldn't that be wonderful." I knew that Mary was holding her son/Jesus on her lap as she had done so many years ago.

Mary was in heaven, holding the Babe in her lap. It is the truth of our Christmas story.

Christmas blessings to each of you and your family and friends.

Sorry Folks, Norton Did Me In.

I haven't been able to go to my blog because Norton updated its security settings and "set me" out of the blog! So it cost me $130 and 2 hours of the local computer geek's time to straighten it all out.
Including the set up of a web cam-I got one for the grandkids so we will "see each other!" Not sure how it will work but I know we will figure it out.

So what has been going on in my life?
Had a great time in Florida at Thanksgiving.
The retirement monies have not been released by the financial corporations holding them, so I don't know how much I will receive but who wants to read any thing from the market, Heh?

I still have not packed up the ornaments to send to relatives; but "tomorrow, tomorrow" I hope.

I need to get serious about a lower rental for myself after 1/1/09, I hope I can find one.

May you holidays be filled with many blessings and many good happenings in 2009!

Contrast in Family Dynamics

As a hospice chaplain, I have had the privilege of experiencing many different kind of relationships and family dynamics. As hospice professionals we know we cannot "fix" relationships nor is that our role. We accompany the family and patient into their last goodbyes and the family beyond for a year as they grieve and "grow into new roles and understanding" of who each person is now that a family member/friend has left their presence for ever.

Friday I met two new families and their family members who were their patients. In both instances it was "dad/husband" who is in the dying process. Both families made deep impressions touching on themes from my own spiritual and emotional life. The challenges of both families are deep and the struggle to hope/let go is strong.

The first family gave me the gift of a man prepared for death, accepting death although "young-60" and a family who loves him and is at his side. In my six years of hospice chaplaincy I have met so few the number of those persons so full of faith that death "carries no sting" that I can count them on one hand. This man I will call him Joe as was Chicago's Cardinal Joe Bernadine who taught us so much about dying. A man who challenges me to live deeply each day so that I may let go and into God without looking back when my death waits.

Joe talked of his love for his wife as she wept by his bedside. Joe had already talked to his four sons and told them, "Take care of your mother." He said, "They will take care of her." I wept too. His faith and his love for his wife is so strong, I know I wept for the relationship his family was loosing in the loss of his presence.

More though, I wept for what I did not have in my own marriage relationship and only recognized at Jason's bedside and Dow's and my interactions at Walter Reed. We were never emotionally connected or intimate. It was clear when one of us would die similar words would not be said. I honor the love between a man and a woman-the sign of wholeness within each of us. This couple achieved it, the blessing of a life well loved; one a painter one a cleaning woman. Wholeness comes with the living of life deeply not money, nor position nor ethnic group.

To honor their love and fidelity and their grief in losing each other, we had a communion service at bedside. I offered the pix to each and invited husband and wife to give the "Body of Christ" to each other. "Your love is the Body of Christ for one another and for the world," I commented as my tears weld up. It was all I could offer to honor who they are, sign of God's loving compassionate presence in the world.

To contrast with this loving scene:
I called another family I will call the patient Phil and his son Phil Jr. to introduce myself and to see if I could make a visit. I was very hesitant as this family "is difficult" as we say in hospice. The visit turned out to be over 2 hours long as I listened to the son's story.

The patient was an active alcoholic. The son, an only child, is estranged, angry, hostile. "I do what I have to do" he repeated. As he told me the horrors of his father's alcoholic behavior. Now his father is bedridden and death is quickly approaching. Phil Jr. cannot admit it but he grieves the loss of a father he never had but who he dreams of and a mother still alive but now with dementia. He called her "evil" at one point in the conversation.

I identified with Phil Jr's emotional position. I saw myself so clearly in his behavior as having walked for all my adult life in his shoes. Resentment and anger bubbling over directed by me at myself, Dow and Jason. Arising from my childhood wounds, I was not placed on the road to healing until I stood at Jason's bedside at Walter Reed. Now I try to take care of and love and get to know that wounded child within me. I have let go of the negative feelings and live in peace within myself and all whom I meet. I pray for healing for Jason and Lisa and my grandchildren. I could not judge Phil Jr as I am Phil Jr. I behaved like he is, I saw myself in him. I knew that if I could be an ally to him, I was really being an ally for myself. I knew I would walk with him as long as he permitted me to. I walked into and out of Walter Reed, I could walk with Phil Jr as he accompanies and provides for his father as he dies.

Phil Jr accused me of "leaving and judging him and analyzing his behavior and coming to conclusions." I reassured him I was not judging his behavior as he related how a home health agency had reported the care of his parents. The police had come and taken the parents to a hospital. No abuse was found but this incident has made Phil Jr mistrust all agency personnel.

He is hostile toward religion and "God stuff." However, both his parents were RC's. One of their wishes was to receive the Sacrament of Anointing. I promised that I would pursue this for the patient and his wife. I was successful and received a call from the parish priest saying that he had given the sacrament to the patient this morning (Saturday). I was very grateful for this blessing for the patient's wife as this is the only statement she made to me during the two hours, "Can he receive the Last Rites?"

The son decided during my visit that "You can come back and speak to her by yourself. I will leave the room. She may want to talk to you without me." I had given the spouse a very small three piece Nativity scene of porcelain (I try to give something away each year to my patients-a sign of God's presence with them.) She was very pleased and her smile was my reward.

Phil Jr kept saying, "You look at me directly. You look as if you are listening. I will trust you, I do not expect anything from other people." I think I won his trust for the day. I hope that having the priest come and give the sacrament to his parents provided support for Phil Jr. It is what we do in hospice. Walk the journey offering resources and support. And maybe an opportunity to heal relationships before they end in death.

Blessings everyone,
Hug those you love and tell them so.
Ask for forgiveness if necessary.
Grant forgiveness today.
Don't wait, do it now.
For you never know tomorrow you may die.

What kind of family do you want to leave to speak of you?
One that cries because you are leaving? or one that is angry and hostile?
One that says, "There are no good memories?"
Or won that cries while laughing about the good and happy memories.

We have a choice, we need to do the work.

I Know it Has Been a While!

I left for Florida ten days ago. I had a wonderful "spring/winter" break in the sunny seventies with only one day of rain. I arrived back with snow on the ground and 20 degree weather with the forecast "20's and sleet" for tomorrow as I return to the drive around Lake county and my patients. What an ending to my week with the grand kids. Last time I saw them it was Easter.

I spent the time with Lisa mostly as the kids were in school until Wednesday before Thanksgiving and returned on Monday. Connie, my sister came from Ann Arbor and also basked in the warm weather. They have gotten more snow than Chicago. Wednesday we all went to see "Bolt" a cute "girl and her dog" story just right for Ellie age 7, the boys were definitely nonplussed by it. Girl has dog, looses dog, dog finds way home! Have we heard that story before? Hmmm?

The downer came on my last day with Lisa and family. Don't know if you saw the "lining up" of Jupiter, Venus and the moon into a wonderful triangle! Won't happen again for about 50 years. They think this might have been the "Christmas star" seen at the birth of Jesus. I thought "that is interesting."

The phone rang and a voice spoke, I had turned on the speaker. I didn't know who it was, I asked, "Who is this?" A voice said, "Mom, I need to speak to Lisa right away!" Lisa had come into the room and said, "That's Jason, mom." He said nothing more as I gave the phone to Lisa. Jason had called to tell Lisa about the stargazing opportunity. I didn't even recognize his voice after two years! I felt so hurt. But as I thought about it, "This is Jason and our relationship does not exist." I must accept the behavior as logical for him. I pray that we will reconcile, will we? I will never know until we do.

On the upside, I answered a call from Dow's sister Nancy looking for Jason and we chatted for a few moments. There was no animosity in her voice and she said, "Good talking to you."