As We Wait for a Sleet/snow Storm, One more Time the Lawyers Went to Court

Every month the lawyers are called to meet with the judge to give a progress report on the divorce settlement negotiations. This month the negotiations were still not complete so a date was set for a March check up. I will list the differences in the proposals:

1. I want an accounting of the money Dow has lived on this year. He has paid me $1250 a month in maintenance. I can't reproduce his lawyer's response to my proposal in total. Her conclusion continues to be that Dow is "very generous." Dow has lived comfortably on his salary "Why do I have a problem living on my income?"

This has been Dow's attitude all of our toxic marriage relationship. Dow only sees "Katy's problem" and has never taken any responsibility for our relationship dynamic. Dow has lived on approximately $120,000-taxes. I have lived on $20,000 after taxes. Because the maintenance pays my rent/utilities, I live on <$1700 a month in Chicago. I am now paying Medicare B, D and dental. I have credit card debt of $3000-a free interest loan to Dow. Dow kept all monies from our joint tax return for 2006. I honestly would like Dow's lawyer to live on $1700 a month, her conclusions might change.

Dow talks about how he is "paying my counseling" which is &$@. I have been going to counseling once a month, last month went twice. BC/BS picks up most of the cost and Dow has a medical pretax set aside from which he gets reimbursed for the rest. (When we are divorced his health insurance will decrease.)

Dow has been "covering costs for the marital home." The condo is totally paid for and Dow has no mortgage. Costs are $500 a month assessment and taxes. Pretty cheap rent as I am paying $1100 and I have to pay phone, cable, and internet. Dow financed the complete refurbishing of the oak floors in the 2000' condo in 2007. He isn't putting out except to increase the value of his investment.

Dow talks about "paying my auto insurance" $50 a month approximately. Dow is co-owner of the auto. As I drive in my work of home health, Dow is not being generous. Dow is protecting his investments. He doesn't want to get hit with a lawsuit if I had an accident without insurance. $50 a month is cheap for Dow to me keep working, definitely every dollar I earn gives support to Dow's position that I should not get a penny further and that I am a "gold digger." And that he will be financially ruined by this divorce.

In 2007, Dow took trips to Europe, Florida, Mexico. Dow is presently again in FL.

2. Dow wants to file taxes separately. I have asked my financial planner for her advice. I do believe that it is better for me to file jointly if permitted by law.

3. Dow wanted to include co-habitation as a reason to end maintenance early. I fought this statement as IL divorce law includes it. I also fought it because I experience Dow attempting to control my life after divorce as he has for 30 years. Dow has relented and it won't appear in the settlement.

4. There is a major problem with the maintenance agreement in that a very new case 2008 seems to show problems with having an insurance policy in my name in case Dow should die and not make the payments as agreed upon. Dow's lawyer tried to connect it with tax deductions for Dow. My lawyer said the case made no mention of taxes. After reading it, I have to agree with Scott Gordan. Can't find reference to tax situations at all. The lawyers will have to come to agreement on this one. I only know that I could have asked for 80% of the estate, but because of the maintenance for 10 years, did not. So this is a real thorny issue and must be settled to protect my financial position.

5. The final point is the distribution of Dow's retirement between the two of us. Dow wants to give me $ from specific accounts and he keep the $ in others. My intuition tells me that Dow wants to keep the money in the most profitable of the accounts; giving me the ones with the least earnings history. Again Dow is out to rebuild his retirement account. I have referred his proposal to my financial planner for her input. I don't know how I am going to invest the 50% of the funds I receive as the settlement. That is, will I keep accounts or transfer the money to other types.

Looking back our "marriage" was all about Dow's putting money away for his retirement. I am 9 years older so I have always believed that I wouldn't be around to "enjoy his savings" I think about the rich man who was squirreling it away. He built more granaries to hold the treasure. God asks "Why are you doing that? Tonight you die." I wonder if Dow will live to enjoy retirement. Dow's dad died at 62, Dow will be 57 this year. Dow has lived a life driven "so that I won't be poor in my old age."

I may or may not live to hear the end of this story. I know a patient at 49 just had a massive brain bleed. MD's can't figure out why. Our life is not in our hands.

Ah well the suburbs and N in Wisconsin may get a foot of snow. We are to get sleet/snow. Only time will tell. The streets are flooding with the melting snow as we had almost 50 today.


I did learn an important lesson with this counter proposal. I came home from work and opened it. Read it and then tried to sleep. As usual I was so upset after reading Dow's positions; I couldn't sleep. I tossed, I turned. At midnight I gave up, got up, typed my responses out and sent to my lawyer. Then I could relax to sleep. If you get a letter from your lawyer ANSWER it before you go to bed!