I Spoke for Peace This Evening

I have spent the last year speaking at every venue I was asked.
I do not know why but tonight was a very special presentation.
This is sorta a "get my feelings down on paper" entry.

I won't reproduce my talk only a poem that I read every time and its introduction.

I remained in spiritual and emotional denial; my combat platoon leader son would go to Iraq and somehow not be involved in the war. Jason would not use his own gun nor command the tremendously destructive power created by our military weapons.

On June 6^th I read the article written by a reporter

who had been embedded with Jason’s platoon;
saw the pictures in the SF Chronicle which confirmed
that indeed Jason gave orders and men died.

I wrote the following:

A poem of sorrow:

A mother waits
A messenger comes to her door
The sun stops in its course across the sky
And plunges her world into night.
Sorrow so deep
Her wail so strong
It broke my heart
Here in Chicago this day.

Joined together forever are we
One son gave an order
One son died
We are one in our tears.
“I am sorry our cultures say, “War is the answer.”
“I am sorry my son says, “Fire”

I hold your son in my arms
And pray for your healing
And may the world be reconciled
To understand we are one.

This poem touches everyone, tonight men and women wept as I told of the wounding of Jason and the suffering caused by war. And because they wept I felt affirmed, honored and know I am doing what I am called to do. I have a voice that speaks to the truth of war-its destruction of life-mental, social, physical, emotional for the individual and the circle of communities in which we live. I know it motivates us to take action, to speak up, to not quit.

To envision a world without war and to enflesh it with our lives, our thoughts, our prayers.
About 50 people attended, many gray hairs, many younger. A good mix. I was a speaker with a member of the Christian Peacemaker Teams Cliff who has just returned from N Iraq, the Kurdish area. One of the things that the CPT'ers have been doing because they were asked is to train Muslim Peacemaker Teams! and the Muslims of Iraq want to create teams with Sunni, Shiite and Kurd members! Isn't that hope for the future! The teams go where there is conflict and by their presence try to be witness for peace, being with those who are marginalized/oppressed. They are my heroes.

After mothers came up to me and offered support in this time of estrangement from Jason. They all said they would pray for healing for Jason and for our relationship. I say it is in the "hands of God" I do the same. But what most touched my heart was a man, probably 40's who came to me and told me the story of his mother's suicide after his brother's death in 1999. He said "You give me hope." That in a time of tragedy, you can speak, (not be silent/not commit suicide). He was very nice and my heart went out to him cause I could see he struggles with their deaths, it is very painful. He was covered with peace buttons. He seeks peace of heart.
He told me, "Your eyes sparkle, you are so young" (I had told everyone I just turned 65) He said, "I feel your energy, your face glows." I told him thank you and it was so because "I am where I am meant to be." Sharing the story of peacemaking after the wounding of war, I felt so alive tonight, I do not know why the Spirit of God within me moved. It had to be because of who was there, especially the Christian Peacemaker, Cliff and his wife. It was wonderful and a blessing.

If I never speak again, I know I have done what I am called to do. My words put something in motion. I do not know what, it is in the hands of God. The dream of Sophia for humanity-That we are one, all are brothers and sisters of one God of Evolution, and we must continue to grow.

As We Wait for a Sleet/snow Storm, One more Time the Lawyers Went to Court

Every month the lawyers are called to meet with the judge to give a progress report on the divorce settlement negotiations. This month the negotiations were still not complete so a date was set for a March check up. I will list the differences in the proposals:

1. I want an accounting of the money Dow has lived on this year. He has paid me $1250 a month in maintenance. I can't reproduce his lawyer's response to my proposal in total. Her conclusion continues to be that Dow is "very generous." Dow has lived comfortably on his salary "Why do I have a problem living on my income?"

This has been Dow's attitude all of our toxic marriage relationship. Dow only sees "Katy's problem" and has never taken any responsibility for our relationship dynamic. Dow has lived on approximately $120,000-taxes. I have lived on $20,000 after taxes. Because the maintenance pays my rent/utilities, I live on <$1700 a month in Chicago. I am now paying Medicare B, D and dental. I have credit card debt of $3000-a free interest loan to Dow. Dow kept all monies from our joint tax return for 2006. I honestly would like Dow's lawyer to live on $1700 a month, her conclusions might change.

Dow talks about how he is "paying my counseling" which is &$@. I have been going to counseling once a month, last month went twice. BC/BS picks up most of the cost and Dow has a medical pretax set aside from which he gets reimbursed for the rest. (When we are divorced his health insurance will decrease.)

Dow has been "covering costs for the marital home." The condo is totally paid for and Dow has no mortgage. Costs are $500 a month assessment and taxes. Pretty cheap rent as I am paying $1100 and I have to pay phone, cable, and internet. Dow financed the complete refurbishing of the oak floors in the 2000' condo in 2007. He isn't putting out except to increase the value of his investment.

Dow talks about "paying my auto insurance" $50 a month approximately. Dow is co-owner of the auto. As I drive in my work of home health, Dow is not being generous. Dow is protecting his investments. He doesn't want to get hit with a lawsuit if I had an accident without insurance. $50 a month is cheap for Dow to me keep working, definitely every dollar I earn gives support to Dow's position that I should not get a penny further and that I am a "gold digger." And that he will be financially ruined by this divorce.

In 2007, Dow took trips to Europe, Florida, Mexico. Dow is presently again in FL.

2. Dow wants to file taxes separately. I have asked my financial planner for her advice. I do believe that it is better for me to file jointly if permitted by law.

3. Dow wanted to include co-habitation as a reason to end maintenance early. I fought this statement as IL divorce law includes it. I also fought it because I experience Dow attempting to control my life after divorce as he has for 30 years. Dow has relented and it won't appear in the settlement.

4. There is a major problem with the maintenance agreement in that a very new case 2008 seems to show problems with having an insurance policy in my name in case Dow should die and not make the payments as agreed upon. Dow's lawyer tried to connect it with tax deductions for Dow. My lawyer said the case made no mention of taxes. After reading it, I have to agree with Scott Gordan. Can't find reference to tax situations at all. The lawyers will have to come to agreement on this one. I only know that I could have asked for 80% of the estate, but because of the maintenance for 10 years, did not. So this is a real thorny issue and must be settled to protect my financial position.

5. The final point is the distribution of Dow's retirement between the two of us. Dow wants to give me $ from specific accounts and he keep the $ in others. My intuition tells me that Dow wants to keep the money in the most profitable of the accounts; giving me the ones with the least earnings history. Again Dow is out to rebuild his retirement account. I have referred his proposal to my financial planner for her input. I don't know how I am going to invest the 50% of the funds I receive as the settlement. That is, will I keep accounts or transfer the money to other types.

Looking back our "marriage" was all about Dow's putting money away for his retirement. I am 9 years older so I have always believed that I wouldn't be around to "enjoy his savings" I think about the rich man who was squirreling it away. He built more granaries to hold the treasure. God asks "Why are you doing that? Tonight you die." I wonder if Dow will live to enjoy retirement. Dow's dad died at 62, Dow will be 57 this year. Dow has lived a life driven "so that I won't be poor in my old age."

I may or may not live to hear the end of this story. I know a patient at 49 just had a massive brain bleed. MD's can't figure out why. Our life is not in our hands.

Ah well the suburbs and N in Wisconsin may get a foot of snow. We are to get sleet/snow. Only time will tell. The streets are flooding with the melting snow as we had almost 50 today.


I did learn an important lesson with this counter proposal. I came home from work and opened it. Read it and then tried to sleep. As usual I was so upset after reading Dow's positions; I couldn't sleep. I tossed, I turned. At midnight I gave up, got up, typed my responses out and sent to my lawyer. Then I could relax to sleep. If you get a letter from your lawyer ANSWER it before you go to bed!

What a Weekend

1. Divorce
The lawyers met with the judge last Tuesday, Dow rejects the proposal again. I feel like Dow continues in his "dominate and abuse Katy" emotional actions toward me. I guess "Why would I ever think it would be different after 28 years of such a relationship?" He argued very strongly in November that "I (Dow) want this divorce over, NOW" Here we are, next court date in March and don't seem to be getting anywhere.

2. Today is Jason's 31st birthday. A celebration for Jason a very painful day of memories for me. All that I didn't do as Jason's mother sits on my heart today. Why was I so blind? Each one of the professional counselors in my life continues to tell me, "You did the best you could! Jason has a father too." Sr. Pat my spiritual director tells me the "God of evolution is continually working-in individuals and collectively." We cannot see where the plan is going or what is included. We only know that it exists and founded on creativity and diversity and love is its energy for humanity.

My heart is full of joy for the life of my only son. My heart is full of prayers for great success for Jason in every way; physically, emotionally, spiritually, financially, socially, in relationships. For growth in his heart and always healing in every way that Jason needs and will be revealed to him. Even as my growth is revealed to me.

As Jason has no contact with me, memories are timeless and my heart is full of them at all ages of his life. Jason's great intelligence, his ability to synthesize data, Jason's love of reading, his wonderful sense of humor, Jason's love of animals. Somewhere somehow part of me is Jason. Held tenderly memories remain and shall remain forever until we behold each other again and hug each other with love and great happiness. That is my dream and I know one day it will come true.

3. My aunt Irene died on the 5th and as I had offered to preside at the funeral I filled a couple of bags and headed to Detroit on the train. About an hour late that is nothing compared to the almost 5 hours late coming back because it was so blooming cold that the switches across southern Michigan continued to freeze! Each time a maintainence crew had to be called to do their magic thing and we would wait, wait...

I won't publish all of the service but will publish my reflection.

Reflection:

I want to attempt to put Irene’s life in context of the larger human story. For her parents were part of the great immigration waves that came to America in the late 19^th and early 20^th century. We must remember as we look at this picture of Irene and her family that English was the second language in the home. Her parents came from Polish Europe and were of that people, culture and time.

Irene’s childhood home was not only a place of the normal needs of children but also an immigrant family to a new culture, time and place, traditions and values and meanings. Elementary school in the Roaring 20’s, speaking both Polish and English, High school in the Great Depression with poverty and hunger a common experience for Irene’s family, then WWII. These experiences marked a generation. Life would be measured by how far “I (Irene) have come since the Depession” Both Aunt Irene and her brother Henry served honorably in the War. The picture shows Irene in uniform, most likely on a weekend pass home. Henry most likely is serving in the South Pacific when the picture was taken.

After the war, Irene married Dan Harrington who also served in WWII. As a couple they strived to live the American dream. They both worked, purchased a home in Birmingham, adopted Sheila and lived the 50’s and 60’s where I babysat for Sheila while her parents went out dancing or playing bridge on Saturday nights and our family enjoyed many holiday hours and visits in their home.

As our reading relates, our lives are full of both the joys of everyday and the suffering of being human. We remember Sheila’s life long struggle with drug abuse and her unfortunate death at Irene’s home. We know as a parent Sheila’s struggles and lifestyle must have caused Aunt Irene much sorrow. She and Dan were divorced and Irene lived with Mike Theakston for about 20 years before purchasing her condo in Madison Heights.

After Sheila’s death Connie my sister stepped in to provide guardianship for Aunt Irene until her death this week. I would like to offer Connie a special “Thank you” from all the family for her kind compassionate care of Aunt Irene on our behalf.

I know that Aunt Irene would want me to tell Michael and Carrie and all her grandchildren and great grandchildren that she loved you very much. That Irene wanted the very best for you. I know that you brought her joy and that you were her hope in the difficult years of Sheila’s life. I know she will watch over you from her place in heaven.

I believe in the God of Evolution, the Mystery that holds us. We all hold both joy and suffering and seek healing from emotional and spiritual wounds of life. We have no control over who are parents were, nor many circumstances in which we find ourselves and live out our lives.

We can make different choices than those who have come before us.
We can build on the gifts and strengths of our family members.
We need help from our family, friends, and professionals.
We need to be honest and forgiving and caring toward our selves.

I know that each one of us here is loved, now, today
As we read Ecclesiastes we know we can heal and grow
We can say “Yes” to building, to laughing, to planting, to dancing
Over and over we can begin again

Living a life fully with its joys, suffering and happiness,
Irene lived as a first born Polish American generation in this country,
Through the Depression, WWII, the tumultuous 60’s,

Her working career

Her marriage,

Her life as mother and wife, sister, friend,

Grandmother and great grandmother,

A single woman after divorce,

and through out her life.

We too are called to live fully,

learning and growing in the knowledge of who we are

Until as Irene we rest with our family who have gone before us

In eternal peace.