A New and Very Different Christmas Season Begins December 1, 2007

Hello to all,
I hope this finds you warm and toasty and listening to music.
Here in Chicago we have had snow, then freezing rain mixed with rain today.
This gives the perfect ambiance to the Midwest Christmas season.
So I will make hot chocolate and snuggle down with a good book.
I met a friend from Michigan at Navy Pier for lunch today. She is a tour guide for a group that does tours for high schoolers and has brought a huge number of teens to Chicago in her career. They have to re-think their market as Michigan's economy is in the pits. May market tours for seniors or gays or honeymooners or... The lunch was very nice: a really good homemade chicken pot pie with a huge sheet of filo dough for the crust. It was served in a soup bowl. Plenty left over for me to have for another meal.

I was remembering the past recent Christmas' and how different it will be for me this year:

2004 the whole family was at Lisa's in Florida. I hired a photographer to take family pictures because I was afraid that Jason would not come back alive from Iraq. He was to be deployed January 2005. I wanted plenty of family photos and we got really endearing ones which I absolutely love. Every moment together was so precious to me. I was so happy to have my family all together. We had a really nice Christmas time together doing family things.


2005 The whole family was at Walter Reed at Jason's bedside as he was recovering from his Very Serious Injuries (VSI) sustained in Iraq October 14, 2005. Dow, Jason and I were there Christmas Day. Dow and I were already separated, still in the same room at Mologne. Dow would go back to Chicago around 1/1/06. Lisa and family arrived the next day. We spent the week touring DC with the grandkids. Jason was still confined pretty much to bed and definitely to Walter Reed Army Medical Center. I really do not recall when Jason actually left the hospital for the first time. So it was a time of deep thanksgiving but a time of great worry as Jason was undergoing surgery after surgery and had many more to come. See Captjason.blogspot.com. Reed October first, the days are listed last of the month first. Then you can scan the other months to follow the story.

2006 The family again met at Lisa's home in Florida. Dow and I did not speak nor could stand to be in the same room with each other. We had made a joint decision to divorce in September/October. I had been looking for an apartment and had found one. I signed the lease even though I actually would not move in until April 2007. The tensions in the gatherings were high. I came down with a horrible sinus infection and spent a lot of time in bed by myself. Lisa was angry with me and I did not feel wanted by any member of the family at all. I had made plans to speak at a retreat in DC immediately after the holiday. I left the day after Christmas and believed I returned to make the flight home with Dow.

2007 I will not be going to Tampa this Christmas. I cannot bear to be with the family at all. Even hearing Dow's voice on the phone makes me anxious and fearful. Jason has not spoken a word to me since my birthday Jan 3, 2007. He does not reply to cards, small gifts, emails, etc. The last photo I received from him was in August: Jason and Dingo. Dow plans to be in Florida most of the week, my understanding. Jason and Jodi will drive down from Gainesville a couple of different times during the week . They have one very old dog and a new kitten and are uncomfortable leaving the animals alone according to Lisa.

So for the first time in 64 years of living I will not be with family on Christmas. This causes me deep sadness at the loss of a tradition of all of my life. Yet at the same time I am at a place of deep peace emotionally and spiritually. I cannot even begin to explain how I feel inside. I am alone and it is so freeing after being controlled by Dow (permitting myself to be controlled) for all of our relationship. I am free of anxiety, depression, fear, co-dependancy. Everything I do brings me pleasure. Every cell in my body is at peace.

I have complete control over what I do. I went from my parent's home to first marriage, divorced with Lisa, married Dow and lived with him until the fall of 2005. I now find I am most comfortable being by myself. I have never lived alone before in all of my life. I like living by myself. I can do what I want, when I want. Dow controlled the meal times, social events, the temperature in the bedroom, the time for "lights out." Dow controlled the finances. It is a special time as I am a healthy 65 year old-to-be. I am going to celebrate getting "My Medicare Card" instead of my birthday January 3! I have applied for the card and am looking at Supplemental Insurances.

I have spent the year telling the story. Grief is healed by telling the story of the trauma and loss. Letting my story cry out for peace. I told it again on the radio on Friday. Will air here in Chicago on Monday. On Monday I will also present it to the staff of the 8th Day Center for Justice. Together we will "look for Godde in the midst of suffering caused by war" and Godde's will for me. How am I to continue to speak for peace?

I think of the soldiers in Iraq away from their families, civilians separated from their families because of war. I am too. Separated by divorce because of the 28 year emotional and spiritual war between Dow and myself. Separated from Jason because of our differing views of my speaking out for peace using the story of his wounding and the impact of Jason's suffering on his mother who spent 8 months with Jason at Walter Reed. Jason lived in a warring home growing up, went to war in the name of the nation; was injured in war. I pray that Jason might continue to heal mentally, spiritually, emotionally, and physically from all the war wounds of his life.

I will be busy with my hospice ministry; cleaning the apartment, and trying to find Christmas events to attend as a single. I want to send out Christmas cards. For years we sent out a family letter, that time is now over. I want to send folks my new contact information, even as it will change again I am sure. I would like to make cookies or some kind of goodie-give for gifts, I will have to see what develops over this month.