A very different Christmas Eve.
For the first time in my life I am not with family.
So...if an extrovert finds herself alone, she needs to do some reaching out.
I overslept-that is a good way to start Christmas Eve. Another MFSO mother wanted to meet me for breakfast. Thank goodness she called me. Phone didn't wake but I awoke a few minutes later.
Saw the message on the machine and then I really moved fast! Reached the Heartland cafe about 20 minutes later, making me a 1/2 hour late for breakfast. Linda's son is in Germany, his wife has cancer so he was not sent for a 2nd tour to Iraq with his unit. About 3 weeks ago he just "left his wife" and returned to barracks. No one has heard from him. His wife calls Linda each day asking "Has he called home?"
My heart breaks for each of our soldiers and their families. Pledge to do all you can do in 2008 to bring them home now and take care of them when they get home. Care for PTSD must be given to each and every soldier. The stigma of receiving mental health care must be erased. Then pledge to do all you can to end war itself. It is horrendous the wounding of soul that is continuing. A must read is "War and the Soul, Healing our Veterans from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder." I believe that humanity via this war is coming to consciousness to end war. The horror for our planet, for civilian populations and our soldiers. It is time to change the DNA and to banish war. Many organizations are being created to work for healing for our soldiers.
Realize that Jesus was born to a marginalized people in an occupied land. Family too poor for the cost of an inn, Jesus was born in a stable. We must realize in our violent actions we are continuing the suffering of Jesus from his birth. Jesus lived his whole life in Roman occupied Israel. Rome was a brutal empire of domination.
We had a good breakfast(I had grits, one egg over easy and a wonderful homemade wholewheat biscuit) and Linda had to head for home to cook for 35 gathering tonight.
I on the other hand will eat with 8 tomorrow (at the good Franciscan Sisters in an apartment located in Rogers Park.) but I too needed to begin my cooking-Gruyere Grits, Key Lime Pie, Waldorf Salad, Cherry Kisslings cookies and to top it off, Brioche bread-12 egg yolks and butter in the dough. I just had my first still warm slice, "Oh my how heavenly to the taste buds." I hope the guests will enjoy tomorrow.
My 20 year old cousin who loves all things Starbucks called me to say "Thank you" for the Starbuck's ornament I had sent her. She actually owns stock in the company, wants to be a financial planner. Ann Marie said, "I never saw any ornament from Starbucks (I was afraid she had already purchased one) I began to cry." So I thought "Good job, Katy." Ann Marie was having lunch with her Basha (Polish-grandmother) and her dad. So we only chatted for a minute and Aunt Theresa wished me well and safe travels to my retreat. It was good to touch base, a telephone visit with my godmother and her family.
I was hoping for a follow-up call from Connie, my sister who is the financial and medical guardian for our aunt. She had to meet with a hospice to put my Aunt Irene in one. Aunt Irene is still in the hospital but maybe would be released today. She is been having increasing episodes like this, possible TIA's and at 87 we as a family say, "No more." Connie is MPOA so she must make the decision.
I had also wanted to return a coffee table to the condo knowing Dow was not there. I walked in and he has begun major make over. He had the condo-2000 square feet of 100 year old oak flooring redone. I don't like the color-too light, but it is not mine to say. Dow always talked about doing the floors, but never till now took action. He wasn't much into the home when we lived there. But maybe he is planning to sell it, time will tell.
It was painful to see as Dow has given me so little for maintainance; now I know why he wanted to cash the bonds "to pay his lawyer" he said. Don't think so. But it helps me get to "know it is really over" which I know is true, the dreams say it. But there is always concrete reality on a Christmas Eve. Dow is with our family, I am by myself. Yet I know it is emotionally and spiritually right. Liz McAllister told me, "Don't count the cost" and I must say that to myself once a day. I feel right. When I was young before I married Dow I used to say, "I have decided the right thing, the answer sings." For this divorce, I do not feel the "singing" I feel a universe deep peace within my soul. I feel I have completed a task set out for me by life: to stand up to death and say "No." Now it is Christmas: Emmanuel, God with me. It is enough.
So I won't be alone this Christmas Eve I decided to reach out to another person who is alone.
One of my hospice patients is moving in a couple weeks to be near her family. I, as a friend, offered to take her to midnight mass offering either Roman or Episcopalian. Mary (I'll call her) was raised Episcopalian. So she chose the Episcopalian service. I found out that Midnight is really 10:30 in Chicago! So "we'll be home at midnight" I was told. The difference of living in the city! I will pick Mary and a friend up from the nursing home where she is staying then I will attend my first ever Episcopalian "Midnight" mass. I'll head over about 10:15 and hopefully the liturgy will include inclusive language so I won't go over the top! or the liturgy will be an "occasion of sin" as we used to say. :-) I'll be home for Christmas early.
Have electric candles burning in each window, my creche is up without the baby Jesus he comes after midnight. I am making my favorite pizza for dinner: ham, pineapple, mozzarella cheese, green pepper. I didn't buy pizza sauce so I sorta quickly made my own, hope it works! Cards line the mantel and window sills, my daffodils are just beginning to sprout in my window dish. The house is filled with boxes from wrapping and decorating. My soul is content, my spirit is at peace. After dinner I'll make another dish for tomorrow and work on "my late" Christmas cards. Ah well, last year I didn't even send any so I am improving!
Monday, December 24, 2007
Sunday, December 23, 2007
Chistmas is Coming Soon
I had a wonderful day today.
I presided at our faith community of about 12 persons who came to this 4th Sunday of Advent/Christmas celebration. For our homily I had decided to bring the creche and have each person present choose "a person or animal or..." Each person was to share as they wanted who and why they chose that particular attendant at the birth of Jesus. One choose a camel, one a sheep, one St. Joseph, one a dog, one a king, one an angel. Each sharing was deeply who that person was right now in his/her life.
For my sharing, I had chosen the amaryllis I am forcing for mid winter bloom. It is only about 2 inches high. I brought it because of a poem I wrote this Advent:
This is the first time ever that I am driving the car in a dream; meaning I am finally at the age of 64 in control of my life. The colors are bright; meaning I am in the newness of life, a sprout emotionally and spiritually. It is enough, I have begun the journey and no better place than at the birth of my Godde, Jesus human and Godde, just as each of us is called to be. We are all human and bring into the human story the Presence of Godde as a force for life or death. Or as I like to say, "Evolution or status" We are called to move the human DNA toward the Being of our brother Jesus through our words, actions, prayers. The human story is a story of mystical experience, most of us blind to the presence of Immanuel, God with us. And that it is each of us who enflesh Godde in this world. Just as Jesus did. He is the model of who we are created to be. May each of us recognize and live this truth more authentically in 2008 and beyond.
Blessings of Peace this Christmas.
I presided at our faith community of about 12 persons who came to this 4th Sunday of Advent/Christmas celebration. For our homily I had decided to bring the creche and have each person present choose "a person or animal or..." Each person was to share as they wanted who and why they chose that particular attendant at the birth of Jesus. One choose a camel, one a sheep, one St. Joseph, one a dog, one a king, one an angel. Each sharing was deeply who that person was right now in his/her life.
For my sharing, I had chosen the amaryllis I am forcing for mid winter bloom. It is only about 2 inches high. I brought it because of a poem I wrote this Advent:
A Song of Birth
The sprout cracks its hardened case.
Pale in color
It reaches up
Through the dark.
Called to grow
Through an unyielding earth
Guided by an unseen light.
Breaking free to the surface…
Before a stable
Where a baby lies in a manger.
Bows it greening head
In awe and worship.
Angels burst forth in song
While twinkling stars in the night sky
Smile “Hello.”
Katy © December 2007
Bernie said of our reflection; "It was so creative, Katy. Thank you." I was pleased as I felt we had all entered into the Coming of Jesus in a truly authentic way. I knew this was the very best celebration of Christmas I will have. So different from the Christmas's of the past filled with anxiety, fear, depression. This year I am filled with peace. It is truly a blessing. I, indeed, need time to heal from the trauma of my marriage; from the horrific wounding of Jason in war.
This is the first time ever that I am driving the car in a dream; meaning I am finally at the age of 64 in control of my life. The colors are bright; meaning I am in the newness of life, a sprout emotionally and spiritually. It is enough, I have begun the journey and no better place than at the birth of my Godde, Jesus human and Godde, just as each of us is called to be. We are all human and bring into the human story the Presence of Godde as a force for life or death. Or as I like to say, "Evolution or status" We are called to move the human DNA toward the Being of our brother Jesus through our words, actions, prayers. The human story is a story of mystical experience, most of us blind to the presence of Immanuel, God with us. And that it is each of us who enflesh Godde in this world. Just as Jesus did. He is the model of who we are created to be. May each of us recognize and live this truth more authentically in 2008 and beyond.
Blessings of Peace this Christmas.
Saturday, December 15, 2007
CD Release Party
For something different I and a friend from Pax Christi attended a CD Release Party for a group from the neighborhood. I had heard Voices at the SOA Watch parties-when a person is either going to prison or is being released from prison. I also heard them at the SOA Watch at Ft. Benning in November. Chris Inserra is the lead person and she heard me talk at St. Gertrude's during our Peace Conference in the fall. She came over to me and asked "how are you doing?" and said to another person on my left, "Katy is a special person." I felt very honored as all these folks have been in jail for justice and peace concerns.
Chris in fact told how she might be in jail at Christmas. Chicago has the most militarized high schools in the country. They are creating "military academies" in high schools. One is located here in Edgewater called Senn. I believe this one is a Navy Academy. The students want to shut the school down this week and demand it be redesigned to be a special like a charter school. So lots of adults are providing support for the students! These are high schoolers willing to take on the system! I am so impressed by their courage. These children are making the decision to enter the military when the latest research is showing that the human brain is not fully mature until one is 30! We must do all we can to save our children. The latest statistic on our soldiers returning from Iraq is 100 a week are committing suicide, a response to the horrendous wounding of taking human life.
I digress a lot. The name of the new album is "Dare the Untried: Save the World" produced by Voices. Need any more info, send me an email. Lots of food and lots of good music. Eighth Day was well-represented with about 5 staffers present and so was my faith community. Those folks being members of the community too. So we sang together tonight and will pray together in the morning.
The snow continues to come down. We walked from the apartment, it was so beautiful in the 30's, with Christmas lights in windows and outside. A perfect before Christmas time walk in a Winter Wonderland. Blessings of Advent everyone.
Chris in fact told how she might be in jail at Christmas. Chicago has the most militarized high schools in the country. They are creating "military academies" in high schools. One is located here in Edgewater called Senn. I believe this one is a Navy Academy. The students want to shut the school down this week and demand it be redesigned to be a special like a charter school. So lots of adults are providing support for the students! These are high schoolers willing to take on the system! I am so impressed by their courage. These children are making the decision to enter the military when the latest research is showing that the human brain is not fully mature until one is 30! We must do all we can to save our children. The latest statistic on our soldiers returning from Iraq is 100 a week are committing suicide, a response to the horrendous wounding of taking human life.
I digress a lot. The name of the new album is "Dare the Untried: Save the World" produced by Voices. Need any more info, send me an email. Lots of food and lots of good music. Eighth Day was well-represented with about 5 staffers present and so was my faith community. Those folks being members of the community too. So we sang together tonight and will pray together in the morning.
The snow continues to come down. We walked from the apartment, it was so beautiful in the 30's, with Christmas lights in windows and outside. A perfect before Christmas time walk in a Winter Wonderland. Blessings of Advent everyone.
As the Shortest Day of the Year Arrives
This coming week holds the shortest day of the year December 21st, the beginning of Winter.
I want to write about the pagan traditions for this day to better understand the depth of its meaning for humanity, thus myself.
I have been struggling to write about an image that came to me during November.
This Tuesday as I pondered the wonderful Advent reflections by John Dear SJ I was able to capture the image and meaning:
Death & Birth or the original title
I want to write about the pagan traditions for this day to better understand the depth of its meaning for humanity, thus myself.
I have been struggling to write about an image that came to me during November.
This Tuesday as I pondered the wonderful Advent reflections by John Dear SJ I was able to capture the image and meaning:
Death & Birth or the original title
A Song of Birth
The sprout cracks its hardened case.
Pale in color
It reaches up
Through the dark.
Called to grow
Through an unyielding earth
Guided by an unseen light.
Breaking free to the surface…
Before a stable
Where a baby lies in a manger.
Bows it greening head
In awe and worship.
Angels burst forth in song
While twinkling stars in the night sky
Smile “Hello.”
Monday, December 10, 2007
A Weekend before Christmas
I had a wonderful weekend as a single woman in Chicago of Polish descent.
I have done no decorating except to hang a live wreath outside my back door.
On Saturday I headed to the American Polish Museum located on Milwaukee here in Chicago. They were celebrating a "Christmas Eve Wigiela" the traditions of Polish Christmas. I didn't get to hear the explanation of a recreated Polish cottage I am sorry to say that I was in the gift shop too long and forgot it.
However I got to make a paper woven basket, you tuck in a treat for others, a card and a circle of colored paper, cut and it spirals down. I liked that decoration and it will be easy to make. I will do it with my grandchildren next year. There was also a beautiful paper star-three dimensional but we didn't get to make that one. They had about 5 trees all decorated with paper cutouts; the traditional folks designs.
We sang carols in both English and Polish-I tried to sing in Polish as I know nothing of the language. Our meal was meatless as the Catholic Polish fasted and abstained from meat on Christmas Eve. But of course the food was filling and oh so good. I had saurkrout and potato pierogis, deep fat fried fishI took off the batter. I think it was haddock? A European carp was the traditional in the USA, the Polish used pike or whitefish. I loved the meatless "pigs in a blanket" mushroom/rice wrapped in cabbage with tomato sauce. I had never had that either. I also had mushroom soup, first course so yummy. The Pres of the museum explained the foods had to come from the air, land, sea- grain, fish, potato, rice, mushrooms. All so yummy. It was great.
Then on Sunday a friend and I made plans to sing politically incorrect Christmas carols with Codepink then tea at the Russian Tea Time. We arrived only to find it all cancelled because of the ice storm that had left about 1/4 inch ice on everything. No one could drive, Charlotte and I came by train/bus. But we found two other folks at the tea room so joined them in a discussion about creating a place where peace activists could live and work for peace.
Charlotte and I had potato latkes, I used maple syrup on mine, I find sour cream cools them too quick. Charlotte and I agreed we missed the onion that our relatives had added to latkes. I added Russian cabbage borsht which I absolutely love and a ceasar salad. No room for desert!
Lots of good food and as Janet one of the Polish grandmothers I met at the Wigelia said, "I feel as if I have known you all my life." I replied "It is our Polish genes, cannot deny it!" What a wonderful way to celebrate Christmas.
I am thinking next year if I am here I would like to bring Ellie up so she could attend the children's Wigelia and learn about our Polish traditions.
I have done no decorating except to hang a live wreath outside my back door.
On Saturday I headed to the American Polish Museum located on Milwaukee here in Chicago. They were celebrating a "Christmas Eve Wigiela" the traditions of Polish Christmas. I didn't get to hear the explanation of a recreated Polish cottage I am sorry to say that I was in the gift shop too long and forgot it.
However I got to make a paper woven basket, you tuck in a treat for others, a card and a circle of colored paper, cut and it spirals down. I liked that decoration and it will be easy to make. I will do it with my grandchildren next year. There was also a beautiful paper star-three dimensional but we didn't get to make that one. They had about 5 trees all decorated with paper cutouts; the traditional folks designs.
We sang carols in both English and Polish-I tried to sing in Polish as I know nothing of the language. Our meal was meatless as the Catholic Polish fasted and abstained from meat on Christmas Eve. But of course the food was filling and oh so good. I had saurkrout and potato pierogis, deep fat fried fishI took off the batter. I think it was haddock? A European carp was the traditional in the USA, the Polish used pike or whitefish. I loved the meatless "pigs in a blanket" mushroom/rice wrapped in cabbage with tomato sauce. I had never had that either. I also had mushroom soup, first course so yummy. The Pres of the museum explained the foods had to come from the air, land, sea- grain, fish, potato, rice, mushrooms. All so yummy. It was great.
Then on Sunday a friend and I made plans to sing politically incorrect Christmas carols with Codepink then tea at the Russian Tea Time. We arrived only to find it all cancelled because of the ice storm that had left about 1/4 inch ice on everything. No one could drive, Charlotte and I came by train/bus. But we found two other folks at the tea room so joined them in a discussion about creating a place where peace activists could live and work for peace.
Charlotte and I had potato latkes, I used maple syrup on mine, I find sour cream cools them too quick. Charlotte and I agreed we missed the onion that our relatives had added to latkes. I added Russian cabbage borsht which I absolutely love and a ceasar salad. No room for desert!
Lots of good food and as Janet one of the Polish grandmothers I met at the Wigelia said, "I feel as if I have known you all my life." I replied "It is our Polish genes, cannot deny it!" What a wonderful way to celebrate Christmas.
I am thinking next year if I am here I would like to bring Ellie up so she could attend the children's Wigelia and learn about our Polish traditions.
Tuesday, December 4, 2007
Synchonicity
What are the odds of this happening?
I took out a junk novel by Sue Grafton-she writes the alphabet. "P is for Peril" is this book tittle.
Guess the name of the character/spouse who "went missing?" Dow (short for Dowan in the story) I have never yet run across a character named Dow, my soon to be ex-husband. Every thing has meaning so I guess that this is the meaning. The relationship is over (except for the paperwork), Dow is gone from my life. I just love being on my own. Financially it will be hard but as I told the 8th Day folks yesterday, "I gave myself permission to get a divorce" and now each day is a blessing.
Like this evening. We are scheduled to get hit with the first storm of the season today. I came home early because I didn't want to fight the huge traffic snarls that will ensue this evening. I needed to get a prescription filled so I headed to the store but I bundled up, strung on my backpack, boot on my feet and a good scarf around my neck and headed for about 1/2 hour walk to the store. I was one of very few folks outside walking. The street lights were on (at 6PM It is getting dark at 4:30.) The snow was very, very gently falling. No wind. It was truly beautiful and I felt I could walk forever. Quiet, dark with city lights around. Some folks have Christmas lights up, not too many yet. I was at peace, I am afraid I overuse the word but after so many years of anxiety, peace in my heart, mind, and body are a wonderful Christmas gift.
I took out a junk novel by Sue Grafton-she writes the alphabet. "P is for Peril" is this book tittle.
Guess the name of the character/spouse who "went missing?" Dow (short for Dowan in the story) I have never yet run across a character named Dow, my soon to be ex-husband. Every thing has meaning so I guess that this is the meaning. The relationship is over (except for the paperwork), Dow is gone from my life. I just love being on my own. Financially it will be hard but as I told the 8th Day folks yesterday, "I gave myself permission to get a divorce" and now each day is a blessing.
Like this evening. We are scheduled to get hit with the first storm of the season today. I came home early because I didn't want to fight the huge traffic snarls that will ensue this evening. I needed to get a prescription filled so I headed to the store but I bundled up, strung on my backpack, boot on my feet and a good scarf around my neck and headed for about 1/2 hour walk to the store. I was one of very few folks outside walking. The street lights were on (at 6PM It is getting dark at 4:30.) The snow was very, very gently falling. No wind. It was truly beautiful and I felt I could walk forever. Quiet, dark with city lights around. Some folks have Christmas lights up, not too many yet. I was at peace, I am afraid I overuse the word but after so many years of anxiety, peace in my heart, mind, and body are a wonderful Christmas gift.
Saturday, December 1, 2007
A New and Very Different Christmas Season Begins December 1, 2007
Hello to all,
I hope this finds you warm and toasty and listening to music.
Here in Chicago we have had snow, then freezing rain mixed with rain today.
This gives the perfect ambiance to the Midwest Christmas season.
So I will make hot chocolate and snuggle down with a good book.
I met a friend from Michigan at Navy Pier for lunch today. She is a tour guide for a group that does tours for high schoolers and has brought a huge number of teens to Chicago in her career. They have to re-think their market as Michigan's economy is in the pits. May market tours for seniors or gays or honeymooners or... The lunch was very nice: a really good homemade chicken pot pie with a huge sheet of filo dough for the crust. It was served in a soup bowl. Plenty left over for me to have for another meal.
I was remembering the past recent Christmas' and how different it will be for me this year:
2004 the whole family was at Lisa's in Florida. I hired a photographer to take family pictures because I was afraid that Jason would not come back alive from Iraq. He was to be deployed January 2005. I wanted plenty of family photos and we got really endearing ones which I absolutely love. Every moment together was so precious to me. I was so happy to have my family all together. We had a really nice Christmas time together doing family things.
2005 The whole family was at Walter Reed at Jason's bedside as he was recovering from his Very Serious Injuries (VSI) sustained in Iraq October 14, 2005. Dow, Jason and I were there Christmas Day. Dow and I were already separated, still in the same room at Mologne. Dow would go back to Chicago around 1/1/06. Lisa and family arrived the next day. We spent the week touring DC with the grandkids. Jason was still confined pretty much to bed and definitely to Walter Reed Army Medical Center. I really do not recall when Jason actually left the hospital for the first time. So it was a time of deep thanksgiving but a time of great worry as Jason was undergoing surgery after surgery and had many more to come. See Captjason.blogspot.com. Reed October first, the days are listed last of the month first. Then you can scan the other months to follow the story.
2006 The family again met at Lisa's home in Florida. Dow and I did not speak nor could stand to be in the same room with each other. We had made a joint decision to divorce in September/October. I had been looking for an apartment and had found one. I signed the lease even though I actually would not move in until April 2007. The tensions in the gatherings were high. I came down with a horrible sinus infection and spent a lot of time in bed by myself. Lisa was angry with me and I did not feel wanted by any member of the family at all. I had made plans to speak at a retreat in DC immediately after the holiday. I left the day after Christmas and believed I returned to make the flight home with Dow.
2007 I will not be going to Tampa this Christmas. I cannot bear to be with the family at all. Even hearing Dow's voice on the phone makes me anxious and fearful. Jason has not spoken a word to me since my birthday Jan 3, 2007. He does not reply to cards, small gifts, emails, etc. The last photo I received from him was in August: Jason and Dingo. Dow plans to be in Florida most of the week, my understanding. Jason and Jodi will drive down from Gainesville a couple of different times during the week . They have one very old dog and a new kitten and are uncomfortable leaving the animals alone according to Lisa.
So for the first time in 64 years of living I will not be with family on Christmas. This causes me deep sadness at the loss of a tradition of all of my life. Yet at the same time I am at a place of deep peace emotionally and spiritually. I cannot even begin to explain how I feel inside. I am alone and it is so freeing after being controlled by Dow (permitting myself to be controlled) for all of our relationship. I am free of anxiety, depression, fear, co-dependancy. Everything I do brings me pleasure. Every cell in my body is at peace.
I have complete control over what I do. I went from my parent's home to first marriage, divorced with Lisa, married Dow and lived with him until the fall of 2005. I now find I am most comfortable being by myself. I have never lived alone before in all of my life. I like living by myself. I can do what I want, when I want. Dow controlled the meal times, social events, the temperature in the bedroom, the time for "lights out." Dow controlled the finances. It is a special time as I am a healthy 65 year old-to-be. I am going to celebrate getting "My Medicare Card" instead of my birthday January 3! I have applied for the card and am looking at Supplemental Insurances.
I have spent the year telling the story. Grief is healed by telling the story of the trauma and loss. Letting my story cry out for peace. I told it again on the radio on Friday. Will air here in Chicago on Monday. On Monday I will also present it to the staff of the 8th Day Center for Justice. Together we will "look for Godde in the midst of suffering caused by war" and Godde's will for me. How am I to continue to speak for peace?
I think of the soldiers in Iraq away from their families, civilians separated from their families because of war. I am too. Separated by divorce because of the 28 year emotional and spiritual war between Dow and myself. Separated from Jason because of our differing views of my speaking out for peace using the story of his wounding and the impact of Jason's suffering on his mother who spent 8 months with Jason at Walter Reed. Jason lived in a warring home growing up, went to war in the name of the nation; was injured in war. I pray that Jason might continue to heal mentally, spiritually, emotionally, and physically from all the war wounds of his life.
I will be busy with my hospice ministry; cleaning the apartment, and trying to find Christmas events to attend as a single. I want to send out Christmas cards. For years we sent out a family letter, that time is now over. I want to send folks my new contact information, even as it will change again I am sure. I would like to make cookies or some kind of goodie-give for gifts, I will have to see what develops over this month.
I hope this finds you warm and toasty and listening to music.
Here in Chicago we have had snow, then freezing rain mixed with rain today.
This gives the perfect ambiance to the Midwest Christmas season.
So I will make hot chocolate and snuggle down with a good book.
I met a friend from Michigan at Navy Pier for lunch today. She is a tour guide for a group that does tours for high schoolers and has brought a huge number of teens to Chicago in her career. They have to re-think their market as Michigan's economy is in the pits. May market tours for seniors or gays or honeymooners or... The lunch was very nice: a really good homemade chicken pot pie with a huge sheet of filo dough for the crust. It was served in a soup bowl. Plenty left over for me to have for another meal.
I was remembering the past recent Christmas' and how different it will be for me this year:
2004 the whole family was at Lisa's in Florida. I hired a photographer to take family pictures because I was afraid that Jason would not come back alive from Iraq. He was to be deployed January 2005. I wanted plenty of family photos and we got really endearing ones which I absolutely love. Every moment together was so precious to me. I was so happy to have my family all together. We had a really nice Christmas time together doing family things.
2005 The whole family was at Walter Reed at Jason's bedside as he was recovering from his Very Serious Injuries (VSI) sustained in Iraq October 14, 2005. Dow, Jason and I were there Christmas Day. Dow and I were already separated, still in the same room at Mologne. Dow would go back to Chicago around 1/1/06. Lisa and family arrived the next day. We spent the week touring DC with the grandkids. Jason was still confined pretty much to bed and definitely to Walter Reed Army Medical Center. I really do not recall when Jason actually left the hospital for the first time. So it was a time of deep thanksgiving but a time of great worry as Jason was undergoing surgery after surgery and had many more to come. See Captjason.blogspot.com. Reed October first, the days are listed last of the month first. Then you can scan the other months to follow the story.
2006 The family again met at Lisa's home in Florida. Dow and I did not speak nor could stand to be in the same room with each other. We had made a joint decision to divorce in September/October. I had been looking for an apartment and had found one. I signed the lease even though I actually would not move in until April 2007. The tensions in the gatherings were high. I came down with a horrible sinus infection and spent a lot of time in bed by myself. Lisa was angry with me and I did not feel wanted by any member of the family at all. I had made plans to speak at a retreat in DC immediately after the holiday. I left the day after Christmas and believed I returned to make the flight home with Dow.
2007 I will not be going to Tampa this Christmas. I cannot bear to be with the family at all. Even hearing Dow's voice on the phone makes me anxious and fearful. Jason has not spoken a word to me since my birthday Jan 3, 2007. He does not reply to cards, small gifts, emails, etc. The last photo I received from him was in August: Jason and Dingo. Dow plans to be in Florida most of the week, my understanding. Jason and Jodi will drive down from Gainesville a couple of different times during the week . They have one very old dog and a new kitten and are uncomfortable leaving the animals alone according to Lisa.
So for the first time in 64 years of living I will not be with family on Christmas. This causes me deep sadness at the loss of a tradition of all of my life. Yet at the same time I am at a place of deep peace emotionally and spiritually. I cannot even begin to explain how I feel inside. I am alone and it is so freeing after being controlled by Dow (permitting myself to be controlled) for all of our relationship. I am free of anxiety, depression, fear, co-dependancy. Everything I do brings me pleasure. Every cell in my body is at peace.
I have complete control over what I do. I went from my parent's home to first marriage, divorced with Lisa, married Dow and lived with him until the fall of 2005. I now find I am most comfortable being by myself. I have never lived alone before in all of my life. I like living by myself. I can do what I want, when I want. Dow controlled the meal times, social events, the temperature in the bedroom, the time for "lights out." Dow controlled the finances. It is a special time as I am a healthy 65 year old-to-be. I am going to celebrate getting "My Medicare Card" instead of my birthday January 3! I have applied for the card and am looking at Supplemental Insurances.
I have spent the year telling the story. Grief is healed by telling the story of the trauma and loss. Letting my story cry out for peace. I told it again on the radio on Friday. Will air here in Chicago on Monday. On Monday I will also present it to the staff of the 8th Day Center for Justice. Together we will "look for Godde in the midst of suffering caused by war" and Godde's will for me. How am I to continue to speak for peace?
I think of the soldiers in Iraq away from their families, civilians separated from their families because of war. I am too. Separated by divorce because of the 28 year emotional and spiritual war between Dow and myself. Separated from Jason because of our differing views of my speaking out for peace using the story of his wounding and the impact of Jason's suffering on his mother who spent 8 months with Jason at Walter Reed. Jason lived in a warring home growing up, went to war in the name of the nation; was injured in war. I pray that Jason might continue to heal mentally, spiritually, emotionally, and physically from all the war wounds of his life.
I will be busy with my hospice ministry; cleaning the apartment, and trying to find Christmas events to attend as a single. I want to send out Christmas cards. For years we sent out a family letter, that time is now over. I want to send folks my new contact information, even as it will change again I am sure. I would like to make cookies or some kind of goodie-give for gifts, I will have to see what develops over this month.
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