A Blessing Amidst the Mess of Divorce

I have had a rough week trying to figure out my taxes as Dow is refusing to file jointly at this point in the proceedings. I really do believe that Dow does not want me to know how much he made last year nor how he spent it. Dow doesn't want me to know that PDI is still active after insisting that "I am going to close PDI" early on in the divorce process. Who knows what else a joint tax filing might reveal.

I do know that he has strongly influenced Lisa in her feelings toward me. I find her much colder toward me. No "love you, mom" any more. I feel sorry for her and angry at Dow for not accepting any responsibility for this divorce. We reached the agreement to divorce "mutually" yet from what I get it is "Katy is the cause of this divorce and she alone wanted it." "Dad misses you" was a remark I heard from Lisa recently. Why is Dow saying this to Lisa? To gain her sympathy, to put her on "his side." To keep her from listening to any truth concerning our toxic family dynamic that I might speak. Only Dow's behavior over time will tell the truth of his beliefs and being in the world.

So I have been a basket case to put it mildly.
I know that my landlord had increased the rent upstairs by $400 when he let the place last fall. I cannot afford a $400 increase in my rent! March 1st was the day he was to notify me of changes and if I needed to move then I had to tell him. I kept putting off calling him I was so anxious. This morning my intuition would not stop, "Call him now(I think to free myself)." Today I had to do it, praying all the while, how can I do this, "Worry about taxes, about my children, worry about having to move." I called Jim, "Hi it's time for renewing my lease. Were you thinking about raising the monthly rent?" I held my breath, actually I couldn't breathe. "No, the rent stays the same, but it is getting harder to keep it so." I couldn't believe it! I went limp, if the man were present I would have hugged him! I thanked him, said "Bring the lease the next time you are by."

I hung up the phone and burst into tears, I couldn't stop weeping. I kept saying, "Thank you Jesus." I really don't know what I would have done had I had to move. I know I would have done it, but the stress would have overwhelmed me. Even as my last thyroid test (2/08) showed, "Normal" for the first time, I am sure, since Jason's wounding. (I'll go back for another test in 4 months.) I couldn't move for about 15 minutes just sat crying with relief and being able to stay for another year-with my own off the street parking, the free laundry downstairs. A full kitchen and more room than one person really needs. I feel as if I am in luxury.

I felt so much lighter the rest of the day even until now. I washed clothes, exercised, went to the library-closed for computer update, cleaned house, began to take down Christmas decorations and prepped for a talk for peacemaking on Thursday at De Paul University here in Chicago. It is part of Women's Month and national Women's Day events. The talk is entitled "Speaking truth to power (through actions)" I am part of a panel with two other women who have gone to prison for civil resistance to close the SOA at Ft. Benning, GA. I haven't gone to prison or been arrested. We will each speak for 20 minutes, take clarifying questions, give them questions to work on in small groups-especially "What will you do to stop war?" this being the month of the 5th anniversary of the Iraq war madness. Then they will come back and report out their thoughts, feelings, action plans. We expect about 20 students. I am looking forward to this women's event as I was so well received/affirmed in my last talk at St. Nick's Peace and Justice group last Thursday.

I wrote a poem as I waited in O'Hare airport on my way to DC:
Grief

I sit in O'Hare
Uniformed soldiers head toward the portal of Hell
My sons, my son...
Tears flow
I hold you in my heart
I do not want you to fly
-to war
-to injury
-to death
-to destruction of your very soul.

Two and 1/2 years out
A soldier's presence
so young, so brave
deepens my suffering
once again.

We are on the journey
Not alone
Joined by our humanity
our oneness holds
into life
into death
in joy and hope
in pain and despair.

I hold you tenderly
never will I let you go.
Out of sight, I must
But never out of "Who I am."

katy 2/23/08
Mother of Very Seriously Injured (VSI) Soldier 10/14/05.
Captjason.blogspot.com

I am working with women called to the priesthood in the Roman Catholic Church.
One attended the liturgy of my small faith community this past Sunday. "I feel the Spirit here." Ah, yes I too must go where the Spirit resides and is active. A complement to our community. I hope our liturgy will go well next Sunday. It is for the World Day of Prayer for Women's Ordination. We usually hold it on March 25 but for last year's day we had a liturgy and now this year. This is the way to "just do it!" As Ghandi said, "Be the change you want to see." Good enough for me. I will make a loaf of bread in the form of a wheat sheave. It is really cool but takes some time to do. What a better way to spend Saturday! amongst the yeast preparing bread for the community!