From being a hospice chaplain I know the process healing of grief lasts a lifetime. In the last two days, I have experienced triggers around Jason's wounding. This is a difficult week for me as we are heading toward the 5th anniversary events surrounding the start of the illegal, immoral, unending war.
Yesterday I was in a nursing home and one of my hospice patients asked for ice water. I headed toward the pantry and my heart stopped: the machine was the identical to the one at Walter Reed. Of course I was always getting ice for Jason while he was the WRAMC. I would purchase many different drinks, whatever he was drinking at the time-cans of soda and juice from the hospital cafeteria or canteen I would store them in one of those familiar pink plastic bedside tubs: stick the drinks in and fill the tub up with ice. This way Jason always had a variety of cold drinks if he asked for one and to serve to visitors.
My eyes teared up, I was in the nursing home but at the same time also at Walter Reed. I had to "refreeze" myself into this time and place 2 1/2 years after Jason's wounding. It is so real, those experiences at Walter Reed, so burned into my psyche that they are "always in the present" never the past. For in the emotional/spiritual world there is no past/present/future; only now. I can cross the barrier of "time" and enter the eternal now of Jason's suffering those horrendous wounds of war. It is a gift and curse. A gift for it is the foundation for my work for peace and a curse for it carries the suffering.
Today the Pax Christi group of St. Gertrude's held its annual silent march for peace in Iraq. We march about a mile around the Edgewater neighborhood. In the past we have had many more folks join us. But this year between St. Patrick's day celebrations all weekend, quite cold weather, the buildup to the Chicago wide march on Wednesday the 19th, the presidential election, community folks did not join us. So we were probably about 10. Carolyn, a Franciscan sister and I carried the banner-St Gertrude's Pax Christi, Chicago. Beautifully well done by Carolyn, (we lost our last one somewhere in the bowels of St. Gertrude's we think.)
We each carry a sign, one person beats the plastic can "drum," two people carry a "casket" draped in black. We say a prayer at the church, head toward Lake Michigan. Stop in a park and look East while we sing, "Peace, Salom, Sholom" as a chant five times. The walk normally takes about 1 hour and 1/2. Today we were escorted by a police car as we had been before. As we started out in silence, the beating of the drum took me back to the many marches I have been on, Jason's wounding, the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan with the loss of so many civilians and the wounding of countless others. My eyes teared couldn't keep them back; this time for the loss and destruction of so many other lives by war down through the ages.
I dedicate my life to ending war as a human response to conflict.
I re-dedicate my life, it is all I can do.
It is the only way I can heal from the grief, I cannot escape this role, I must do what I can while I live.
Saturday, March 15, 2008
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
Blessings
We have a new massage therapist at Heartland. She was of the Jewish faith, I believe, but no longer. She does work including with chakras, energy and Reiki. She had not done hospice work before.
We have all been visiting and supporting a new patient that has great difficulty with her only daughter. When I visit and say a prayer, she responds, "That is so peaceful" and I am blessed that the Godde of peace and healing is present.
So when the MT made her first visit this week, she "saw" an angel on the bed with the patient. I was told this by the patient's nurse. So our MT is somewhat taken aback. Reality is much larger than we accept "as the cultural paradigm" and "the reign of Godde is now" not some other place, not in the future, but now, here where you and I are sitting right this minute. And you do have an angel by your side.
Tonight St. Gertrude's parish had is Communal Penance service. For those who are not RC, one goes to a priest and "confesses" a sin, problem, concern. If needed the priest gives absolution in the name of God. (RC's used to have a lower rate of suicide given this practice. with the falloff of going to reconciliation; suicide rates of RC's I think now approach the norm of the population. Read this some time ago.)
Anyway, I struggle with not being able to forgive myself for actions (toxic relationship with Dow) during my marriage and raising of my children, especially Jason. So my confession went like this: Father I ask healing, that I might be able to forgive myself for my actions/relationships in my marriage and my raising of my children. He replied, "We know that God was with you. That we need to experience some of these things. We do not know why." "For your penance," and this is what surprised and shocked me, "Please pray for my family, my brother shot my SIL, then turned the gun on himself." Now this is A penance! not any "Hail Mary's" stuff. He gently unbound my hands from the cloth I had wrapped around them as a "symbol" of my being bound up in some way.
I felt as if he were confessing to me, because of what I shared with him; that I would understand and not judge, but pray for healing for himself and his family. I promised that I would and gave him a hug. We were standing in church face to face.
So now I ask you to join me in these prayers for healing for this family. May they in time be healed of this terrible wounding just as I pray for healing for my children and Dow. Pray for us that we might all celebrate new life this Easter.
We have all been visiting and supporting a new patient that has great difficulty with her only daughter. When I visit and say a prayer, she responds, "That is so peaceful" and I am blessed that the Godde of peace and healing is present.
So when the MT made her first visit this week, she "saw" an angel on the bed with the patient. I was told this by the patient's nurse. So our MT is somewhat taken aback. Reality is much larger than we accept "as the cultural paradigm" and "the reign of Godde is now" not some other place, not in the future, but now, here where you and I are sitting right this minute. And you do have an angel by your side.
Tonight St. Gertrude's parish had is Communal Penance service. For those who are not RC, one goes to a priest and "confesses" a sin, problem, concern. If needed the priest gives absolution in the name of God. (RC's used to have a lower rate of suicide given this practice. with the falloff of going to reconciliation; suicide rates of RC's I think now approach the norm of the population. Read this some time ago.)
Anyway, I struggle with not being able to forgive myself for actions (toxic relationship with Dow) during my marriage and raising of my children, especially Jason. So my confession went like this: Father I ask healing, that I might be able to forgive myself for my actions/relationships in my marriage and my raising of my children. He replied, "We know that God was with you. That we need to experience some of these things. We do not know why." "For your penance," and this is what surprised and shocked me, "Please pray for my family, my brother shot my SIL, then turned the gun on himself." Now this is A penance! not any "Hail Mary's" stuff. He gently unbound my hands from the cloth I had wrapped around them as a "symbol" of my being bound up in some way.
I felt as if he were confessing to me, because of what I shared with him; that I would understand and not judge, but pray for healing for himself and his family. I promised that I would and gave him a hug. We were standing in church face to face.
So now I ask you to join me in these prayers for healing for this family. May they in time be healed of this terrible wounding just as I pray for healing for my children and Dow. Pray for us that we might all celebrate new life this Easter.
Sunday, March 9, 2008
What a Week This has Been...
Settlement issues-still not settled.
I have emailed my lawyer asking "Whuz up?" no reply, tomorrow I will call.
Thursday the weather was so warm-50 and sunny that I could walk again on the Lake Michigan shoreline. First time since November! It was wonderful-lots of ice still floating on the lake. It will take some time for winter to melt.
Then the weather plunged and again I wear slacks under my dresses for ministry-in and out of cars/nursing homes, etc. I presided at a memorial service for two of our patients at a nursing home of Manor Care-which owns our hospice also. It was the first time I held one at a MC. About 10 staff members came because the residents had been long term. A time for sharing the stories. Everyone was very pleased with the service and the time to share-tears from staff and family members flowed with remembering. How we humans bond in our care for one another--it is beyond "for pay." To be kind and loving it truly is our nature, the best of being a man and woman. We continue to evolve beyond what we are to who we are called to be.
Then today I presided at the annual "International Day of Prayer for Women's Ordination (in the RCC)" I had a very good feeling as I put the liturgy together. About 15 people came some because of the liturgy for WO. One of the Sisters, a true radical feminist Catholic for over 40 years working for womens' equality in the RCC said, "Katy, your inclusive liturgy was so powerful and meaningful." I felt as if she ordained me for she would not say such a thing lightly.
The readings for the fifth Sunday of Lent include Jesus calling forth Lazarus from his tomb. I said in my reflection:
The Pope is coming to the US in April, after our liturgy 5 of us met to work on how we would "celebrate his visit" The main activities would take place in DC and New York. But Chicago would "kick off the welcome" because the event will take place on the Sunday before he arrives. It should be interesting. I will be away and cannot take part, but I can help before the event. What fun we created Pink Smoke when he was elected and the photos were all over the world. We need to make a You tube video this time so we can keep it for all the world to see! Depends on the media really will they come out? What can we do that will get them to us?
We need to continue to celebrate and ordain women and men "To Live the Change We Want to See" as Gandhi so rightly told the people of his time. All is good and right.
I have emailed my lawyer asking "Whuz up?" no reply, tomorrow I will call.
Thursday the weather was so warm-50 and sunny that I could walk again on the Lake Michigan shoreline. First time since November! It was wonderful-lots of ice still floating on the lake. It will take some time for winter to melt.
Then the weather plunged and again I wear slacks under my dresses for ministry-in and out of cars/nursing homes, etc. I presided at a memorial service for two of our patients at a nursing home of Manor Care-which owns our hospice also. It was the first time I held one at a MC. About 10 staff members came because the residents had been long term. A time for sharing the stories. Everyone was very pleased with the service and the time to share-tears from staff and family members flowed with remembering. How we humans bond in our care for one another--it is beyond "for pay." To be kind and loving it truly is our nature, the best of being a man and woman. We continue to evolve beyond what we are to who we are called to be.
Then today I presided at the annual "International Day of Prayer for Women's Ordination (in the RCC)" I had a very good feeling as I put the liturgy together. About 15 people came some because of the liturgy for WO. One of the Sisters, a true radical feminist Catholic for over 40 years working for womens' equality in the RCC said, "Katy, your inclusive liturgy was so powerful and meaningful." I felt as if she ordained me for she would not say such a thing lightly.
The readings for the fifth Sunday of Lent include Jesus calling forth Lazarus from his tomb. I said in my reflection:
in one persons are dead-mentally and spiritually to their reality
and in one story a person is really physically dead.
Yahweh, the God of power over spiritual death proclaims:
“I am going to open up your graves…
I will put my breath in you,
and you will live.”
Yahweh is talking to people who are living,
however they are living in spiritual exile of who they are called to be.
In our Gospel
Jesus is talking to a man who is physically dead.
Jesus says, “Lazarus, come out.”
Let us all be the voice of Jesus, “Lazarus, come out.”
The dead one returns to living in this physical world.
Lazarus came out of death; still bound hand and foot.
Jesus says “Untie him and let him go free.”
Let us all be the voice of Jesus “Untie him and let him go free.”
God tells people who are living that they are dead and
God is going to make them live again.
Jesus calls the dead one forth from his grave of four days.
Jesus then tells his community “Untie him and let him go free.”
The people of
a place that is home in landscape, culture, language, faith, customs,
paradigm of the world, politics and relationships.
Lazarus is dead to this world, away from all human experience-
physical, mental, social, his own unique identity, and human relationships.
So for our reflection today:
Women in the Roman Catholic Church are in exile
as much as
We have been baptized within the institutional church.
However, we are not alive as surely as the Israelites of Ezekiel’s time.
Our deepest spiritual sense of who we are in the world
as beloved daughters of God is denied by the RCC.
The essence of woman’s humanity is denied.
Which gets us to our Gospel.
In the lived experience,
in the reign of God whom Jesus knew,
whom Jesus is in relationship with:
God calls out “Come out” to those who are dead.
Jesus then gives the community of Lazarus the command
“Untie him and let him go free.”
Jesus says to us here in our time; the Beloved community of John, the People of God,
“Untie women and let women go free”-
into their calling to serve Godde as priests for the community of believers.
Some are called to be ministers,
some are called to be leaders of prayer and sacraments for the community-priests.
Some are called to be representatives to the larger community of faith-bishop, cardinals, pope.
I use these terms because of their familiarity.
May our faith community renew itself beyond these defining terms
so that all may answer our individual call to priesthood given through baptism
into the Body of Christ.
Are you ready to fully participate
in the work of creating a vision of the People of God
where each is valued as daughter and son of God;
living Godde’s Presence in the world?
Let us all “Come out” into the kindom of Godde.
The Pope is coming to the US in April, after our liturgy 5 of us met to work on how we would "celebrate his visit" The main activities would take place in DC and New York. But Chicago would "kick off the welcome" because the event will take place on the Sunday before he arrives. It should be interesting. I will be away and cannot take part, but I can help before the event. What fun we created Pink Smoke when he was elected and the photos were all over the world. We need to make a You tube video this time so we can keep it for all the world to see! Depends on the media really will they come out? What can we do that will get them to us?
We need to continue to celebrate and ordain women and men "To Live the Change We Want to See" as Gandhi so rightly told the people of his time. All is good and right.
Monday, March 3, 2008
A Blessing Amidst the Mess of Divorce
I have had a rough week trying to figure out my taxes as Dow is refusing to file jointly at this point in the proceedings. I really do believe that Dow does not want me to know how much he made last year nor how he spent it. Dow doesn't want me to know that PDI is still active after insisting that "I am going to close PDI" early on in the divorce process. Who knows what else a joint tax filing might reveal.
I do know that he has strongly influenced Lisa in her feelings toward me. I find her much colder toward me. No "love you, mom" any more. I feel sorry for her and angry at Dow for not accepting any responsibility for this divorce. We reached the agreement to divorce "mutually" yet from what I get it is "Katy is the cause of this divorce and she alone wanted it." "Dad misses you" was a remark I heard from Lisa recently. Why is Dow saying this to Lisa? To gain her sympathy, to put her on "his side." To keep her from listening to any truth concerning our toxic family dynamic that I might speak. Only Dow's behavior over time will tell the truth of his beliefs and being in the world.
So I have been a basket case to put it mildly.
I know that my landlord had increased the rent upstairs by $400 when he let the place last fall. I cannot afford a $400 increase in my rent! March 1st was the day he was to notify me of changes and if I needed to move then I had to tell him. I kept putting off calling him I was so anxious. This morning my intuition would not stop, "Call him now(I think to free myself)." Today I had to do it, praying all the while, how can I do this, "Worry about taxes, about my children, worry about having to move." I called Jim, "Hi it's time for renewing my lease. Were you thinking about raising the monthly rent?" I held my breath, actually I couldn't breathe. "No, the rent stays the same, but it is getting harder to keep it so." I couldn't believe it! I went limp, if the man were present I would have hugged him! I thanked him, said "Bring the lease the next time you are by."
I hung up the phone and burst into tears, I couldn't stop weeping. I kept saying, "Thank you Jesus." I really don't know what I would have done had I had to move. I know I would have done it, but the stress would have overwhelmed me. Even as my last thyroid test (2/08) showed, "Normal" for the first time, I am sure, since Jason's wounding. (I'll go back for another test in 4 months.) I couldn't move for about 15 minutes just sat crying with relief and being able to stay for another year-with my own off the street parking, the free laundry downstairs. A full kitchen and more room than one person really needs. I feel as if I am in luxury.
I felt so much lighter the rest of the day even until now. I washed clothes, exercised, went to the library-closed for computer update, cleaned house, began to take down Christmas decorations and prepped for a talk for peacemaking on Thursday at De Paul University here in Chicago. It is part of Women's Month and national Women's Day events. The talk is entitled "Speaking truth to power (through actions)" I am part of a panel with two other women who have gone to prison for civil resistance to close the SOA at Ft. Benning, GA. I haven't gone to prison or been arrested. We will each speak for 20 minutes, take clarifying questions, give them questions to work on in small groups-especially "What will you do to stop war?" this being the month of the 5th anniversary of the Iraq war madness. Then they will come back and report out their thoughts, feelings, action plans. We expect about 20 students. I am looking forward to this women's event as I was so well received/affirmed in my last talk at St. Nick's Peace and Justice group last Thursday.
I wrote a poem as I waited in O'Hare airport on my way to DC:
Grief
I sit in O'Hare
Uniformed soldiers head toward the portal of Hell
My sons, my son...
Tears flow
I hold you in my heart
I do not want you to fly
-to war
-to injury
-to death
-to destruction of your very soul.
Two and 1/2 years out
A soldier's presence
so young, so brave
deepens my suffering
once again.
We are on the journey
Not alone
Joined by our humanity
our oneness holds
into life
into death
in joy and hope
in pain and despair.
I hold you tenderly
never will I let you go.
Out of sight, I must
But never out of "Who I am."
katy 2/23/08
Mother of Very Seriously Injured (VSI) Soldier 10/14/05.
Captjason.blogspot.com
I am working with women called to the priesthood in the Roman Catholic Church.
One attended the liturgy of my small faith community this past Sunday. "I feel the Spirit here." Ah, yes I too must go where the Spirit resides and is active. A complement to our community. I hope our liturgy will go well next Sunday. It is for the World Day of Prayer for Women's Ordination. We usually hold it on March 25 but for last year's day we had a liturgy and now this year. This is the way to "just do it!" As Ghandi said, "Be the change you want to see." Good enough for me. I will make a loaf of bread in the form of a wheat sheave. It is really cool but takes some time to do. What a better way to spend Saturday! amongst the yeast preparing bread for the community!
I do know that he has strongly influenced Lisa in her feelings toward me. I find her much colder toward me. No "love you, mom" any more. I feel sorry for her and angry at Dow for not accepting any responsibility for this divorce. We reached the agreement to divorce "mutually" yet from what I get it is "Katy is the cause of this divorce and she alone wanted it." "Dad misses you" was a remark I heard from Lisa recently. Why is Dow saying this to Lisa? To gain her sympathy, to put her on "his side." To keep her from listening to any truth concerning our toxic family dynamic that I might speak. Only Dow's behavior over time will tell the truth of his beliefs and being in the world.
So I have been a basket case to put it mildly.
I know that my landlord had increased the rent upstairs by $400 when he let the place last fall. I cannot afford a $400 increase in my rent! March 1st was the day he was to notify me of changes and if I needed to move then I had to tell him. I kept putting off calling him I was so anxious. This morning my intuition would not stop, "Call him now(I think to free myself)." Today I had to do it, praying all the while, how can I do this, "Worry about taxes, about my children, worry about having to move." I called Jim, "Hi it's time for renewing my lease. Were you thinking about raising the monthly rent?" I held my breath, actually I couldn't breathe. "No, the rent stays the same, but it is getting harder to keep it so." I couldn't believe it! I went limp, if the man were present I would have hugged him! I thanked him, said "Bring the lease the next time you are by."
I hung up the phone and burst into tears, I couldn't stop weeping. I kept saying, "Thank you Jesus." I really don't know what I would have done had I had to move. I know I would have done it, but the stress would have overwhelmed me. Even as my last thyroid test (2/08) showed, "Normal" for the first time, I am sure, since Jason's wounding. (I'll go back for another test in 4 months.) I couldn't move for about 15 minutes just sat crying with relief and being able to stay for another year-with my own off the street parking, the free laundry downstairs. A full kitchen and more room than one person really needs. I feel as if I am in luxury.
I felt so much lighter the rest of the day even until now. I washed clothes, exercised, went to the library-closed for computer update, cleaned house, began to take down Christmas decorations and prepped for a talk for peacemaking on Thursday at De Paul University here in Chicago. It is part of Women's Month and national Women's Day events. The talk is entitled "Speaking truth to power (through actions)" I am part of a panel with two other women who have gone to prison for civil resistance to close the SOA at Ft. Benning, GA. I haven't gone to prison or been arrested. We will each speak for 20 minutes, take clarifying questions, give them questions to work on in small groups-especially "What will you do to stop war?" this being the month of the 5th anniversary of the Iraq war madness. Then they will come back and report out their thoughts, feelings, action plans. We expect about 20 students. I am looking forward to this women's event as I was so well received/affirmed in my last talk at St. Nick's Peace and Justice group last Thursday.
I wrote a poem as I waited in O'Hare airport on my way to DC:
Grief
I sit in O'Hare
Uniformed soldiers head toward the portal of Hell
My sons, my son...
Tears flow
I hold you in my heart
I do not want you to fly
-to war
-to injury
-to death
-to destruction of your very soul.
Two and 1/2 years out
A soldier's presence
so young, so brave
deepens my suffering
once again.
We are on the journey
Not alone
Joined by our humanity
our oneness holds
into life
into death
in joy and hope
in pain and despair.
I hold you tenderly
never will I let you go.
Out of sight, I must
But never out of "Who I am."
katy 2/23/08
Mother of Very Seriously Injured (VSI) Soldier 10/14/05.
Captjason.blogspot.com
I am working with women called to the priesthood in the Roman Catholic Church.
One attended the liturgy of my small faith community this past Sunday. "I feel the Spirit here." Ah, yes I too must go where the Spirit resides and is active. A complement to our community. I hope our liturgy will go well next Sunday. It is for the World Day of Prayer for Women's Ordination. We usually hold it on March 25 but for last year's day we had a liturgy and now this year. This is the way to "just do it!" As Ghandi said, "Be the change you want to see." Good enough for me. I will make a loaf of bread in the form of a wheat sheave. It is really cool but takes some time to do. What a better way to spend Saturday! amongst the yeast preparing bread for the community!
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