The plants are in and mulched.
The bills are paid.
A box for mail by the door slot.
Gave the African violets to the woman upstairs to "plant sit"
So I am ready to go.
It is so hot and muggy that I don't have the energy to pack!
So I will go to bed and get up early and do it then!
Have to leave for work by 8:30.
Hope to get off early tomorrow so I can pack...
I feel "what do I need for St. Croix beside credit card, cash, swimsuit, sun-tan lotion...?"
I have to admit I didn't pack cause I took a break with the Stephen Colbert and Jon Stewart shows. They are the best news vehicles! according to the polls their audience knew more about current events then Fox news watchers which to me is so....ironic! I just laugh! which is good for my soul. Don't watch anything else on TV. Ah the single life. "I am just loving it."
My body feels tired which it should but my soul feels so young! I feel like I am floating in the River of Life. It happens and I observe it. I trust in my Godde. My sister Connie and a friend will visit mid/late July. I will speak at a peace group in July, one in August. I am looking forward to the presentations and want to do as many as possible with the rest of my life.
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
Tuesday, June 19, 2007
Move Out/Move In IV and the Big Day is Over
Today was the day.
I got my first maintenance check to deposit in the bank and
hired a truck and a father and son to help move the items from the condo.
It took them 1 hour of packing and unpacking and cost me $200.
The dad really knew how to move furniture.
That was good because they had the oldest pickup with wheels that were bending in and almost flat. I don't know how they got to Rogers Park and how they got back to the South side of Chicago.
The dad told his son Justin, "You work better than the guys I work with!"
Justin was out of school and said, "This is better than sitting around." He was, sad to say,
another overweight teen. I don't know how we can help our teens be healthy. The weather is sunny and extremely warm. I gave the men a choice of Gatorade or root beer to drink as they unpacked. Both wanted Gatorade, I was sorry I didn't have a larger bottle to share with them as they drained the glasses really quickly.
I felt really funny, a little nervous, but I have been moving out since the first of April. I felt, "The deed is done." I only need to go through the downstair's storage areas to see what I might want from there. All of my Christmas items are there and memory boxes and photos, etc.
After they left I sat down and pondered the boxes everywhere. My life "in boxes." I thought looking at all the stuff, "I brought too much, I need to give away." I want to be a minimalist. My only treasures are the different paintings I have. One pastel I created entitled, "My father's prayers" has never hung on a wall. I used pastels for it after his death in 1987. I am going to hang it in my bedroom, I think. I need to buy a dining room table and chairs. Pier 1 has them on sale. I really have to get serious about unpacking and organizing as my sister Connie is coming from Detroit the middle of July. So...now I have no excuses and must unpack and be organized when they arrive. I have the weekend after the 4th of July so I have to get cracking!
I must work the next two days then Lisa, Ellie and I will head to St. Croix to celebrate Lisa's 40th birthday. We will spend a week on the island. I don't know what we will find, nor the weather. It is 80's and raining today while we here in the States are droughting to death.
I hope the sun and sand and being away from Chicago will do my soul good.
I got my first maintenance check to deposit in the bank and
hired a truck and a father and son to help move the items from the condo.
It took them 1 hour of packing and unpacking and cost me $200.
The dad really knew how to move furniture.
That was good because they had the oldest pickup with wheels that were bending in and almost flat. I don't know how they got to Rogers Park and how they got back to the South side of Chicago.
The dad told his son Justin, "You work better than the guys I work with!"
Justin was out of school and said, "This is better than sitting around." He was, sad to say,
another overweight teen. I don't know how we can help our teens be healthy. The weather is sunny and extremely warm. I gave the men a choice of Gatorade or root beer to drink as they unpacked. Both wanted Gatorade, I was sorry I didn't have a larger bottle to share with them as they drained the glasses really quickly.
I felt really funny, a little nervous, but I have been moving out since the first of April. I felt, "The deed is done." I only need to go through the downstair's storage areas to see what I might want from there. All of my Christmas items are there and memory boxes and photos, etc.
After they left I sat down and pondered the boxes everywhere. My life "in boxes." I thought looking at all the stuff, "I brought too much, I need to give away." I want to be a minimalist. My only treasures are the different paintings I have. One pastel I created entitled, "My father's prayers" has never hung on a wall. I used pastels for it after his death in 1987. I am going to hang it in my bedroom, I think. I need to buy a dining room table and chairs. Pier 1 has them on sale. I really have to get serious about unpacking and organizing as my sister Connie is coming from Detroit the middle of July. So...now I have no excuses and must unpack and be organized when they arrive. I have the weekend after the 4th of July so I have to get cracking!
I must work the next two days then Lisa, Ellie and I will head to St. Croix to celebrate Lisa's 40th birthday. We will spend a week on the island. I don't know what we will find, nor the weather. It is 80's and raining today while we here in the States are droughting to death.
I hope the sun and sand and being away from Chicago will do my soul good.
Monday, June 18, 2007
Time to Pack, Unpack and Go on Vacation
Received two items this morning given to me by a friend of a friend who is moving out of state.
Got a sleeper couch and a kitchen table.
I really need a dining room table instead and some chairs.
I will go to the Brown Elephant and keep an eye out for a suitable table.
But I am thinking I can use this as a small work table in the very small office I have.
I purchased a computer desk and will use this student's desk as my "bill paying" desk in the office.
What a hoot! Pier One has chairs on sale so I think I will head over there to get 4 at $80 a piece if I like them. Never having moved, or bought things for an apartment as a stand alone single person. I find that I don't purchase...habit of spending 31 years with Dow of the "We can't afford it lifestyle, must save for retirement." Of course, Dow always bought the best for himself.
The apartment is filled with boxes and getting more filled as tomorrow the movers will bring over the furniture and boxes from the condo. Then all I will have is the storage area to go through. I don't know if Dow will permit me to store the Christmas items there or I will have to bring here. I will see. The young couple above is looking to purchase their first home, so maybe I will be able to store items in the garage in their old space until I can sort through and give away. I feel as if I have brought too much from the condo, especially books but couldn't bare to give away. I feel I can sort/resort. I am so glad for resale shops!
Jason took Jodi to Spain in mid-May. Here is his photo album:
http://picasaweb.google.com/jscott1617/CruiseMay07?authkey=YxtWebbcUlk
When the week is done, I work Wednesday and Thursday; I will fly to Tampa, spend the night then Ellie (6), Lisa just turned 40 and I will fly to St. Croix to spend a week celebrating her birthday! I must go online and find out "What to do with a 6 year old" when visiting St. Croix.
I plan to spend a lot of time "doing nothing" as these last six months have been "hell on wheels" and I must gather strength to be ready for my court date 7/16. The lawyer wants to meet before to discuss issues-money is the issue. It is the way to relate to others in Dow's world.
Dow upset me very much. I have not been talking about the divorce to Lisa, no details. After closing the accounts Dow called Lisa looking for emotional support. Lisa then called me and called me to task, "You are not doing God's will." I was shocked and humiliated for Lisa to say such a thing to me. Yet it reflects how much I protected her from the reality of our relationship. She can only speak from her own experience. And I was the best at hiding the emotional abuse from Dow. I was silent.
I finally said, "Lisa tell your father to seek counseling. Dow is manipulating your feelings. It is your choice to listen and respond to your dad when he talks of the divorce. I will not speak of the details until after the divorce is final." And changed the subject.
Wish me well on vacation. Last fall Ellie fell off of the monkey bars and broke both wrists. Her brother just broke his big toe. I feel if we keep Ellie out of ER we will have had a good vacation! :-)
Got a sleeper couch and a kitchen table.
I really need a dining room table instead and some chairs.
I will go to the Brown Elephant and keep an eye out for a suitable table.
But I am thinking I can use this as a small work table in the very small office I have.
I purchased a computer desk and will use this student's desk as my "bill paying" desk in the office.
What a hoot! Pier One has chairs on sale so I think I will head over there to get 4 at $80 a piece if I like them. Never having moved, or bought things for an apartment as a stand alone single person. I find that I don't purchase...habit of spending 31 years with Dow of the "We can't afford it lifestyle, must save for retirement." Of course, Dow always bought the best for himself.
The apartment is filled with boxes and getting more filled as tomorrow the movers will bring over the furniture and boxes from the condo. Then all I will have is the storage area to go through. I don't know if Dow will permit me to store the Christmas items there or I will have to bring here. I will see. The young couple above is looking to purchase their first home, so maybe I will be able to store items in the garage in their old space until I can sort through and give away. I feel as if I have brought too much from the condo, especially books but couldn't bare to give away. I feel I can sort/resort. I am so glad for resale shops!
Jason took Jodi to Spain in mid-May. Here is his photo album:
http://picasaweb.google.com/jscott1617/CruiseMay07?authkey=YxtWebbcUlk
When the week is done, I work Wednesday and Thursday; I will fly to Tampa, spend the night then Ellie (6), Lisa just turned 40 and I will fly to St. Croix to spend a week celebrating her birthday! I must go online and find out "What to do with a 6 year old" when visiting St. Croix.
I plan to spend a lot of time "doing nothing" as these last six months have been "hell on wheels" and I must gather strength to be ready for my court date 7/16. The lawyer wants to meet before to discuss issues-money is the issue. It is the way to relate to others in Dow's world.
Dow upset me very much. I have not been talking about the divorce to Lisa, no details. After closing the accounts Dow called Lisa looking for emotional support. Lisa then called me and called me to task, "You are not doing God's will." I was shocked and humiliated for Lisa to say such a thing to me. Yet it reflects how much I protected her from the reality of our relationship. She can only speak from her own experience. And I was the best at hiding the emotional abuse from Dow. I was silent.
I finally said, "Lisa tell your father to seek counseling. Dow is manipulating your feelings. It is your choice to listen and respond to your dad when he talks of the divorce. I will not speak of the details until after the divorce is final." And changed the subject.
Wish me well on vacation. Last fall Ellie fell off of the monkey bars and broke both wrists. Her brother just broke his big toe. I feel if we keep Ellie out of ER we will have had a good vacation! :-)
Sunday, June 10, 2007
Time to Meet the Judge
I got notice from my lawyer that a meeting has been set with the judge in our divorce.
About 85% of divorcing couples meet with the judge and then decide to settle. My understanding is that the judge says, "Knowing what I know now, after lawyers present facts, I decide thus and so, if you don't agree, see you in court"
So we go before the judge July 16th Monday 8:30 we must be the first review case of the day. The move from the condo is about complete. I couldn't work on it this weekend because I have a patient who died and needed to work on his memorial service. He has four daughters who love him very much and they wrote it. It will be filled with the reading of his favorite poems and music. It is a a beautiful service. I will speak for about 5 minutes on his spirituality, as requested by the family.
I need to hire a firm to move furniture out of the condo, I cleared out the safe-deposit box. I had to get the marriage licence as I will apply under Dow's not mine when I am ready to retire.
I spent the day in the garden, continuing to plant annuals everywhere I can fit them into the foundation planting area. I need the garden therapy and the plants need to be in the ground.
I presided at liturgy this morning using this meditation for the homily.
People had a good response to the experience, I invite you to do the same.
About 85% of divorcing couples meet with the judge and then decide to settle. My understanding is that the judge says, "Knowing what I know now, after lawyers present facts, I decide thus and so, if you don't agree, see you in court"
So we go before the judge July 16th Monday 8:30 we must be the first review case of the day. The move from the condo is about complete. I couldn't work on it this weekend because I have a patient who died and needed to work on his memorial service. He has four daughters who love him very much and they wrote it. It will be filled with the reading of his favorite poems and music. It is a a beautiful service. I will speak for about 5 minutes on his spirituality, as requested by the family.
I need to hire a firm to move furniture out of the condo, I cleared out the safe-deposit box. I had to get the marriage licence as I will apply under Dow's not mine when I am ready to retire.
I spent the day in the garden, continuing to plant annuals everywhere I can fit them into the foundation planting area. I need the garden therapy and the plants need to be in the ground.
I presided at liturgy this morning using this meditation for the homily.
People had a good response to the experience, I invite you to do the same.
Place all items on the floor, let your hands rest in your lap.
Please close your eyes, and pay attention to your breathing.
In, out, in, out.
Find yourself on steps leading down,
10, 9, 8…one step.
Before you is a path, follow the path…
The path leads to a open area…
You see many, many people sitting on the grass in groups of families and friends.
You look around and see Jesus…
Jesus take the five loaves and two fishes.
He blesses them and gives them to distribute to you and all the other people.
Talk to Jesus…
Ask him about the bread and fishes…
Ask Jesus what he would you do...
Enjoy the meal with Jesus and friends.
It is now time for you to leave.
Say goodbye to Jesus and friends.
Follow the path to the steps
Walk up to the steps and when you are ready
Return to this room,
And open your eyes.
______________________
When I was preparing the homily, I had a mystical experience also.
From my journal:
Instead I was “back in the chapel” at Walter Reed.
I saw only Jesus holding the out the loaf of bread.
(The chapel seats 8, with a stained glass icon of Mary holding the Christ child, back lit. Normally it is dark with soft light. On the right wall, I assume a gift from someone is an almost life size
Carved wooden frieze of Jesus and the parable of meeting the disciples on the beach, after the day of fishing. He prepares a meal of bread and fishes. In the art Jesus is holding out a loaf of bread, the fish are at his feet. The boat is separate and behind him.)
Jesus is before me holding out the
Even as I am estranged from Jason, divorcing Dow.
I eat of the
What a paradox.
To let go of relationships, to be in relationship to my compassionate Godde.
Monday, June 4, 2007
"De-Link?" I Asked the Question, I Got an Immediate Answer
Today was rather "another kind of day."
My lawyer had called me last week.
"I want to ask for maintenance for you as it may be some time before the divorce is final."
is what I heard. He faxed me the form and I faxed it back.
Today I saw my therapist for the first time since March. Dr. C's and my calendar's hadn't coincided. I asked him "How do I de-link my thoughts from Dow and Jason?" As I find myself still referencing Dow especially as it comes to spending money. He controlled the finances and I have been used to not "getting for myself, but only for others." I have continued doing that during this period of separation. I have not spent money except on food and medical with some gifts for others.
Dr. Cwik, very intelligent and experienced Jungian analyst replied, "When you reference Dow/Jason, use the thought as a cue, " What am I feeling? my need? my want?" "What do I need/want to do?" Then of course "Do it."
When I got home, there was an email from Dow "I have closed the joint mastercard and the checking account on the advice of my lawyer." Dow copied her. "I will deposit a $1000 each month in your account." I thought "I asked the question "how to de-link?" and here is the financial delink. So now I feel even more foolish as Dow has used the credit card statement (he used a different card) to tell me, "This is enough for you to live on." As throughout my marriage to Dow, I sacrificed my wants to Dow's control and now it has continued.
So I went out and bought my grandson's some shorts/pants they needed. Decided I would use my money to buy a present for the boys. I can't stop, can I? I trust in the goodness of the universe especially for foolish ones like me.
My lawyer had called me last week.
"I want to ask for maintenance for you as it may be some time before the divorce is final."
is what I heard. He faxed me the form and I faxed it back.
Today I saw my therapist for the first time since March. Dr. C's and my calendar's hadn't coincided. I asked him "How do I de-link my thoughts from Dow and Jason?" As I find myself still referencing Dow especially as it comes to spending money. He controlled the finances and I have been used to not "getting for myself, but only for others." I have continued doing that during this period of separation. I have not spent money except on food and medical with some gifts for others.
Dr. Cwik, very intelligent and experienced Jungian analyst replied, "When you reference Dow/Jason, use the thought as a cue, " What am I feeling? my need? my want?" "What do I need/want to do?" Then of course "Do it."
When I got home, there was an email from Dow "I have closed the joint mastercard and the checking account on the advice of my lawyer." Dow copied her. "I will deposit a $1000 each month in your account." I thought "I asked the question "how to de-link?" and here is the financial delink. So now I feel even more foolish as Dow has used the credit card statement (he used a different card) to tell me, "This is enough for you to live on." As throughout my marriage to Dow, I sacrificed my wants to Dow's control and now it has continued.
So I went out and bought my grandson's some shorts/pants they needed. Decided I would use my money to buy a present for the boys. I can't stop, can I? I trust in the goodness of the universe especially for foolish ones like me.
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