Moving Out/Moving In II

Monday and it is time to pack at the condo again.
I packed up the glass memories: A Radko 2000 Millennium ornament, hobnail glass from my Grandmother, depression era glass from my mother. All to be given away; all now gone on the "Sands of time."

I have gone through the home over and over and I think I got it "all" except for my office and its books and papers of the last ten years in Chicago:

Papers from CPE at Loyola and McNeil Hospitals, preparing to be a hospice chaplain.
Papers from my six years on the Women's Ordination Conference Board(Roman Catholic Church).
Copies of emails from Jason's service in Iraq.

About 1 PM I headed to the bank to change my address, checked out Radio Shack for a radio-living most of my life in the 20th century- a radio is a necessity. I know "No Ipod?" The radio I looked at didn't have dials, computer chip with LED telling me what it was doing. I could "push a button" for control. The sound was wonderful but left me feeling so nostalgic for the plastic dial radios of my youth in the 50's. I remember my first boyfriend bought me one.
How is it that life is captured through papers left?
I just read they found a letter by George Washington in a little girl's scrapbook.
What do these papers say about my life? About who I am? Which will I choose to keep to share with the next generation?

I was feeling alone in the sunshine and bright blue sky above as I walked down Sheridan. I decided to get a Subway salad in the Granada building owned by Loyola University. The building was named after a beautiful ornate theater that Loyola purchased. It had been permitted to deteriorate until it was too costly to renovate. All the "folks who grew up" in Rogers Park" speak of its once eloquent decor and grandeur. A loss for Chicago architecture.

As I stood in line, a man I knew I knew asked, "How are you? I have been thinking about how you were doing." I reintroduced myself and he replied, "I am Fr. Denny" Denny (a poet) attended my sharing at the Loyola Conference in March, "Peacemaking: In a Time of Terrorism." Fr. Denny is an amazing man and I got to hear more of his life story over our lunch(sandwich and water for him)!

Fr. Denny is a Columban Missionary and has spent his life overseas! He is 70 and after a year sabbatical here at Loyola University is heading down to Juarez Mexico to fill in for a priest who was deported by the Mexican Government. The priest was attempting to achieve rights for the workers. Denny doesn't know how long he will stay/last but goes where the Spirit leads him.

Denny was active in Chile at the time of Pinochet and told me about the protests they would hold against the torture by that regime. Denny said Pinochet's wife would threaten, "If you hear of anyone speaking against my husband, tell me, and I will take care of them." (have them "disappeared.") The protests were brilliant in their simplicity. Denny and others would go to a detention center/jail, unfurl banners and read from a list of those who were tortured or died there. These actions got Denny arrested(see Jonah house.org for a present day repeat). Living the non-violent life of Jesus, he said, "After a couple of days, the guards responded kindly to us." Eventually Denny was "too much" for the Chilean government and was deported back to the US. (We got onto the subject because I was wearing my "Shut Down Guantanamo/Stop Torture (on the back))" orange tee, from the good folks when I visited Jonah House.)

Fr. Denny attended Vatican II. He is a scripture scholar by profession and wrote Ratzinger (now Pope Benedict) on the use of exclusive language. He got a reply from the Papal Nuncio in DC which stated in part "Your letter has received the attention it warranted." I laughed, Denny replied, "Whenever I tell the story, people laugh!" I said, "You know the attention it got was "straight to the wastebasket!" He was very sad that along life's journey he had lost that response to his letter. (We joked that he could have sold it on EBay)

He has consistently spoken out for married men and women's ordination and was interested to hear of my time on the WOC board. I told him how RC women are being ordained and the work of Dorothy Irvin, PHD an archaeologist who has travelled the Mediterranean looking for proof of women's priestly roles in the early church. She has had no trouble in documenting such roles as deacon and priest. I told Denny about her calendars and now I have to find one to give him as he was intrigued. I invited him to our inclusive liturgies and I will not be surprised if he shows up.

I have not spent time with any livelier 70 year old! Denny's mind is so sharp, I felt so cotton-headed and humbled as he related his life experiences and knowledge. Godde is good and does provide for this newly single woman in need of "soul food." Fr. Denny was given to me. What a blessing, how good life is. I know the life God is calling me to-work for peace and justice and healing of soldiers and families of soldiers, and healing for the people of Iraq. At our Tuesday Peace vigil at the Federal building one of regulars was 89 years old, she "retired" last year due to health concerns. Here is Fr Denny at 70 going off to Mexico to help laborers. I think God considers me "young" and I have ministry to do. Spirit Sophia is going to have to be more direct with me, to show me the Way.

Blessings to you this day. May spring bring joy and new life.

Moving Out/Moving In

Since New Year's I have been sorting, packing, giving away the accumulation of stuff of 31 years. I found an apartment 3 blocks South of where I lived in Rogers Park and am actively moving in to my new apartment.

For me the hardest to part with are books from my library. I have put off packing my office because I can't stand the idea of parting from such friends. I have books on Jungian psychology, books of feminist readings, grief and loss, a shelf of books of prayer, a shelf of books to prepare homilies including 6 versions of the bible. Another difficult "to weed out" are my photographs from over the years. I made up copies of the oldest and took them to Easter dinner in Detroit. Everyone enjoyed them and got copies to take home.

Spent the day packing up a set of dishes that I gave my mother more than 40 years ago when I got my first paying job. She never had a set of "good dishes." Johnson's Rose Bouquet English bone china. I had been so proud to be able to buy them for her. I offered to my daughter, now 40 years old for my granddaughter, she declined. So I am sending them off to my sister Tina for her daughter. I would like them to remain in our family.

Today, Sunday I am unpacking in the apartment so that I can move some more stuff in. It is a second weeding and I have a box set aside in which I will put things I will give away. I never thought moving would be so hard. I feel it is the multiple losses-a divorce and the loss of my relationship with my son Jason(always I say a prayer for reconciliation when I think of him). I realize that I may not have many years to make amends for my sins of omission and commission up till now. In today's Christian readings we heard the apostles speaking the truth of their faith to power of who they were now, I am called to do the same. I must get through the divorce emotionally then I can begin again. It is good to be divorced in spring with the signs of new life all around. It lifts my spirits.

The Wheel of Life Turns

I met Dow Scott in a class on Negotiations in the Fall of 1973. Seems oddly balanced that we end the relationship in negotiations, this time a property settlement of the assets acquired during the marriage. The question of financial division of assets is what is set before the judge. Without minor children involved this is the issue.

My lawyer said, "The judge looks at fairness which does not mean equal." Because we had been married for 31 years and Dow's salary is over 4 times mine which as a part-time hospice chaplain is not too much, the issue of fairness takes a different shape. I have no benefits except accrued paid time off. COBRA health care will cost $400 a month. Any maintenance dollars awarded to me are pre-tax dollars for Dow and I must pay the taxes on it. Therefore any allotment is reduced by at least 24% before I use the remaining to live on. I am not planning on living "high on the hog."

I remember more than once asking Dow if I should take a particular position. Dow always said "no" he wanted to be able to focus on his career goals. Now I would think he would make a different decision. If I had my own retirement, etc his financial liability would be much less. I assume if Dow dates again, the first question he will ask is, "How much do you have in your 401(k)?" Very sadly I came to understand that finances is the mechanism of control and the way Dow relates to others and the world around him. I have always found it striking that his area of expertise is compensation and incentive programs.

A Hard Day Experiencing PTS

I was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress by the MD’s at Walter Reed Army Medical Center (better known as Walter Reed or WR) and confirmed by my own therapist in Chicago,

I entered the Iraq combat zone at a very deep emotional and spiritual level when I entered WR.

I have encountered very different “triggers” to the PTS since coming back to Chicago.

Today I had a really difficult time.

For the first time since WR I had to spend the whole day at a hospital (for tests for hyperthyroidism.)

By the end of the last test I was weeping.

I had eaten at a window overlooking the grounds of the hospital and the feelings of deep sadness and pain arose.

I always sat by the window at Walter Reed overlooking the grounds and had a déjà vu experience,

I was back at the cafeteria, isolated, fearful, grieving the losses for Jason. It was in the cafeteria that I was told by one staff member, “Some parents don’t belong at WR” looking directly at me. I told him that I would stay as long as Jason needed me.

During the tests I kept flashing back to accompanying Jason to his tests especially as I sat through the sonar of his leg looking for blood clots. I could see his flesh and blood pulse through Jason on the tech’s screen. I remembered feeling queasy (but fascinated by the technology to let us see inside the living human body) and I felt queasy again.

Went to social work and processed the reawakened experience of grief with a very supportive hospital social worker.

But I feel very raw and crying today.

I have had probably 10 such major triggers for the PTS since returning to Chicago.

I honor my grief and my tears; they connect me to my deepest experience of feelings.

Background on the Journey of My Divorce

I am going to start in the middle and over time hope to write both ends,
actually I can write the first part of this life trilogy, the second and the third chapters are ongoing.

I believe that each of our lives is a book and to share the story of my life
will help others reflect on theirs. I believe that we have evolved in order to make meaning
of our human experience so that as individuals and as participating in the story of humanity, we all may grow emotionally, spiritually and socially.

I found this note from Fr. Henri Nouwen in my email today (April 29) and it affirmed my writing and starting this blog:

Making Our Lives Available to Others

One of the arguments we often use for not writing is this: "I have nothing original to say. Whatever I might say, someone else has already said it, and better than I will ever be able to." This, however, is not a good argument for not writing. Each human person is unique and original, and nobody has lived what we have lived. Furthermore, what we have lived, we have lived not just for ourselves but for others as well. Writing can be a very creative and invigorating way to make our lives available to ourselves and to others.

We have to trust that our stories deserve to be told. We may discover that the better we tell our stories the better we will want to live them.

Welcome to my life: Catherine Marie Anastasia Zatsick LaVerdi Scott,
best known to my divorce as Katy Scott.

I kept my first blog while I was with my son at Walter Reed. Captain Jason Dow Scott, United States Army was injured in Iraq October 14, 2005 and was a patient at WR from October 18 to November 2, 2006. He is now medically retired from the US Army and resides in Florida. That blog is captjason.blogspot.com. It is archived in reverse order with the latest additions on the screen. I recommend you start in October and read as many entries per month as you desire. Being with Jason at Walter Reed caused me to review/reflect and look deeply at the life that I have led and eventually to decide that I would ask for a divorce from my spouse of 31 years.

It is an interesting journey this path in life. I welcome you to join me on the journey.
Blessings and hope for new life this time of spring and resurrection.